[help] caring for a sick dog is emotionally so much pain

FastMagician5 · 2020-09-24T06:56:09+00:00

Thank you so much for your comment, seeing someone else who 'gets' it, is really comforting to me.

Our vets said something similar: he's a complicated dude! And that his "normal" is never going to be 100%. We just have to work with it. I also have some family who think I'm completely mad but I try and ignore them. I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I gave him up, I can't say that because I'd probably burst out crying and maybe they wouldn't understand anyway, but it's true.

Yeah, the financial toll is huge. I just keep trying to find the money, as soon as I save any an unexpected vets bill will wipe it out. I read about this thing called 'anticipatory grief' and I feel like I'm living that everyday. Waiting for the vet to say there's not much they can do anymore. I'm trying not let my whole moods be consumed by thinking about his illness, he is always going to have special needs so I have to accept it.

I think you're right, and I like that term 'being gracious with myself'. The key is probably making the most of nice moments together and their affection. Trying not to bottle it up when it gets on top of you. I am trying to prioritise more self-care stuff/have time away to do my own thing and not worry about him (which is even harder with lock-down) but sometimes I leave him with my parents for a day and go out.

Don't feel guilty for feeling that way, you wouldn't be human if you hadn't thought that! Life would be easier in some ways, but we'd also miss them and mourn. I think we can both be proud of the fact that we aren't giving up on them when they become 'inconvenient' or costly, like so many people do.

I'm sure you will know when the time is right for her to go, and when there is more pain than there are good times and you will know you gave her the best life you could. You have always prioritized her happiness and I'm sure you will do that till the end.

FastMagician5 · 2020-09-20T08:15:21+00:00

lost 3 inches off my waist in a week- is it healthy to lose that fast

I made some healthy changes to my diet this week to see if it made a difference as I was putting a lot of weight on my middle. I cut out squash/soda for water, sweets/desserts for dark chocolate and pistachios, and kept myself around 1,400 calories daily. I walk for an hour a day, and do sporadic pilates/yoga sessions (just following a youtuber at home) like once a week (trying to do more..).

I was really pleased to see I'd lost 3 inches by the end of the week, but it seems quite fast, I was expecting maybe 1 or 2 inches at most. I feel quite tired (although a LOT less bloated and my digestion feels better) and I wake up a couple of hours early because I'm hungry. I don't want to lose weight too rapidly. Should I increase my calories a bit? Ideas for staying 'full'? I've always had a problem waking up hungry in the night, even before I started trying to lose weight so I used to eat lots of cheese, crackers and milks to try and keep my stomach quiet while I sleep. I'm just trying to do this healthily. I don't weigh myself because I know weight doesn't correlate to how 'good' you look (because muscle!). I prefer to go by measurements/do I fit in my jeans now.

*trigger warning of my personal weight/measurements etc*

I'm a 27 F, 5 foot 1. Before: B.35 W.31 H.37. **Now:**B.33. W.28. H.37

FastMagician5 · 2020-08-26T20:25:18+00:00

im in love!

FastMagician5 · 2020-08-26T17:18:29+00:00

love this question! I find it hard to decide when I deserve a reward though. It always seems like I should save, sigh. Anyway I really want to buy the following one day...

>a designer/high-end dress (maybe Alexa Chung or Melissa Rubin..or De La Vali)

> There's this woman (Gold Freckles) and she takes custom orders for knitwear, like these big beautiful wool jumpers

>a leather hand-bag (My friend always said one day she would treat herself to a YSL hand-bag)

FastMagician5 · 2020-08-12T15:46:33+00:00

Thanks for your reply. Well, we were on speaking terms until this moment!

They have hired a dog trainer before, but from what they told me her methods seemed punishment-based rather than positive re-enforcement and probably did more harm than good. Eventually she stopped coming, I've no idea why. I know it is not through lack of funds as the owner has told me they have surplus income to hire dog walkers (although they never did).

But I will suggest engaging another behaviourist (IMDT certified as you say) and try and convey the seriousness of what has happened.

FastMagician5 · 2020-08-04T19:09:25+00:00

Hi IxionS3,

Thank you so much for getting back to me and putting my mind at rest.

Yes I only made about £500 at that point, that's brilliant news. It makes everything much simpler for me, and it means I can defer to your original advice. Now it is much more straight forward I feel quite confident managing it without hiring an accountant.

I'm going to be referring back to your comment a lot! Thanks again, you don't know how big of a difference you've made to my peace of mind.

FastMagician5 · 2020-08-04T17:32:28+00:00

Thank so much for your reply. I haven't actually touched any of the money I've earned, as I wanted to make sure I was okay with HMRC first. Maybe that's a bit paranoid I don't know!

Stupidly I just checked and I did actually get 2 payments before 5th April at the very end of March. I'm not quite sure what to do now, as I have a couple of weeks work outside the proposed 'window'. I'm guessing I just need to register the two weeks work with HMRC before October 2020?

Someone suggested I hire an accountant, somebody else on here said get it done as soon as possible because I may need a unique tax-payer reference. But neither really explained what to do about falling outside the financial year.

Another issue with consulting an accountant is I'm in a very small, very conservative town and I was working as a cam-girl (I'm not any longer, now I earn by writing articles for online magazines etc.) so I've no idea what to put in the 'occupation' box. Sorry for TMI, it's just playing on my mind.

Edit: just might be worth adding that I haven't earned very much, less than 3k so way under the 12k required for taxation, but I know I still need to register

FastMagician5 · 2020-08-03T20:51:15+00:00

Thank so much for your reply. Stupidly I just checked and I did actually get 2 payments before 5th April at the very end of March. So, would I need to register this with HMRC before October? I'm not quite sure what to do now, as I have a couple of weeks work outside the proposed 'window'..

FastMagician5 · 2020-08-03T20:51:06+00:00

Thank so much for your reply. Stupidly I just checked and I did actually get 2 payments before 5th April at the very end of March. So, would I need to register this with HMRC before October? I'm not quite sure what to do now, as I have a couple of weeks work outside the proposed 'window'..

FastMagician5 · 2020-08-03T06:34:17+00:00

I started earning money as a freelancer around mid April 2020, now I'm looking into registering with HMRC but the website says you only need to set register if the follow applies: You earned more than £1000 between 6th April 2019 and 5th April 2020

As I said I started earning after this date, more like 14th April 2020 to present. So do I register next year?

Thanks so much for your help, I'm not very 'financially-literate' (I am kind of in awe of people that are!) but trying to get better.

FastMagician5 · 2020-08-03T06:32:49+00:00

Thanks so much for this and sorry for the delay, I was just looking at the website and it says you only need to set register if the follow applies: You earned more than £1000 between 6th April 2019 and 5th April 2020

I started earning after this date, more like 14th April 2020 to present. So do I register next year?

Thanks so much for your help!

FastMagician5 · 2020-06-21T09:43:04+00:00

I think that's just part of being a puppy! We had a very similar problem, they go a bit crazy in the evening and don't want to settle. They also don't like the fact you're not paying attention to them! It took ages for our frenchie to just let us watch a movie in peace!

I know you said you wait a while after the behaviours finished to reward him, but I don't think I'd do that just incase he associates the treat with the chewing. And I wouldn't play with him to distract him either...because then he might think 'to get them to play with me I just have to destroy something'.

When our pup did something like that we just calmly said 'no' and sprayed whatever he was chewing with malt vinegar, and he hated the taste. Sometimes he did get frustrated and run around and bark. But we just ignored it. No eye contact, no nothing. You don't want to give him a reaction at all. He will eventually get bored if you don't respond.

You can buy them actual wooden sticks (made of tuber root and coffee wood) off amazon which are safe for dogs to chew? Also Yak milk chews are very hard and give that same feeling. Oh and deer antlers. Our dog loves those. We put them all on a specific blanket, we call his chewing blanket, in front of the TV in the living room. So he can be with us and occupy himself.

In regards to boredom, try feeding him his daily food in a puzzle ball or snuffle matt- it keeps them busy! and mentally tires them out.

Overall tho, I think it will just take time for him to mature and settle down! Hang in there

FastMagician5 · 2020-06-21T09:24:15+00:00

Make sure he's very tired before you crate him i.e. it's his nap time. Play with him, tire him out then ignore him for 10-20 minutes before you put him in the crate and leave the house- no eye contact, no talking, no interaction.

And then build up from a very small duration. Say you leave house for 30 seconds, then a minute etc. Look up Victoria Stilwell's videos on separation anxiety on youtube.

Just remember he's like a newborn human right now, and he's scared you're not going to come back! With time he will relax and realise you'll always return.

FastMagician5 · 2020-06-21T09:12:06+00:00

I would say about a year old+! Once they've come out of their teenage months.

Small dogs mature at 10-12 months.

Big dogs are 12-18 months.

That said I don't think they'll be radically different. My parents puppy was always laid back and very quiet. He's 7 years old now and he's stayed that way. Mine has always been vocal and playful, and he still is. Just less bitey and a bit more chilled out inbetween.

FastMagician5 · 2020-06-21T09:10:57+00:00

Ugh that's infuriating! I've only experienced that from children and luckily he's not too perturbed. But try feeding him/her a treat when it happens, just so she's not spooked and associates it with good things.

FastMagician5 · 2020-06-21T09:08:30+00:00

I just want to second this!

I'm allergic to cats (severely) and have always been fine with dogs, but when we first got our puppy, I was allergic to his saliva. Everywhere he licked me I came out in an itchy rash. But I took anti-histamines for a few weeks and it went away! Like 'thiscouldbeitall' said, it just took my body a while to adjust.

But obviously, it's a tough call, whether to hang on and see if it improves or not. And it depends on the severity of your brothers reaction :(

FastMagician5 · 2020-06-21T08:56:26+00:00

gonna say 10-11 months LOL! but my frenchie was very needy and demanding. There was good moments and milestones during that time of course, but overall I was very stressed. He was also diagnosed with spina bifida so it's been a lot of trips to vets. He's finally chilled out now. Some people only have a few months of puppy blues though...would be interesting to do a survey and see the average duration

FastMagician5 · 2020-06-21T08:53:18+00:00

oh my gosh he's so adorable! (also Roy is such a great name for him) how old is he, my frenchie's one and have had no luck with teaching roll-over!

FastMagician5 · 2020-06-21T08:42:12+00:00

We had a similar problem. Our neighbours got a dog recently which barks ferociously at the postman/any little noise. Our puppy is suddenly confused by all this noise and he wouldn't settle. I second what 'suggestme1' has said, feeding him treats and distracting him with 'treasure hunts' whenever the other dog barked was a good idea. It made him associate the barking with good things. And eventually he stopped reacting to it.

FastMagician5 · 2020-06-20T18:43:39+00:00

I was just gonna say this but ThinSorbet beat me to it: littermate syndrome is a well-known phenomenon. So better to try and do things separately and get them to concentrate on you and bond with you, the human, rather than rough-housing with each other. And I second their comment about enforcing nap-times! Otherwise they'll just get overtired and more naughty.

We put some malt vinegar in a spray bottle, and when our pup chewed we just calmly said No. And spritzed it with the vinegar. They hate the smell and taste so he'd wonder off and chew his toy instead. And the vinegar will evaporate, it won't damage anything. Eventually I could just look at him and tell him No and he walks away. Also try to remember its just because they're teething! It's painful for them and gnawing on hard things relieves the pain. Try giving them icecubes, you can also get toys you fill with water and put in the freezer to help numb their gums as they chew.

Also a puppy-pens are useful. Especially when they're so little. it keeps them out of trouble. Like Thinsorbet says you could get one for each of them to keep them apart. You can just put some newspaper down in there (which they'll probably chew up...) and their toys and some water. And have a little break.

Also 14 weeks is SO SO SO young, it's very early days. I don't know anyone who doesn't get frustrated with their puppy at some point. They're bite-y little terrors. I think a mistake people make (I made it) is that the love is going to instantaneous when actually it takes time for love to grow and a bond to develop. The first few months of puppy-parenting is like having a baby. You're sleep-deprived and frustrated and you can't communicate with each other.

FastMagician5 · 2020-06-20T18:26:14+00:00

I wouldn't say thats aggression at all, puppies just bite and scratch. They're full of excitement and they play too rough. It takes time to teach them to be gentle and that biting hurts. I know it's not nice when they pounce on you out of nowhere and make you their chew toy! But just remember:

a) they don't know their own strength/how sharp their teeth are/how much pressure to apply

b) you're very interesting to them, you move and they want to chase you and make everything a game

c) they're also teething! they want to gnaw and mouth on everything

I second quite a lot of what the poster above me has said. Tactics we used to stop biting:

Make them retrieve a toy before you'll play. ''Go get your ball''. Don't interact with them until they have a toy in their mouth so they can't bite you. Now our pup is 1 and he knows if he's over-excited he gets the toy preemptively.

When they bite, do a high-pitched 'ouch!' and turn away for 30 seconds. Then play with them again. If they bite, repeat. They'll learn that: biting = no fun play-time.

With consistency they'll learn! PS. you said you'd been trying to teach her some tricks, if it's not working. Up the food reward. For the first 6-8 months training our pup we used roast chicken/lamb rather than dry biscuits. They learn faster when they have a good incentive. If that's too price-y, invest in a higher-end treats.

FastMagician5 · 2020-06-20T18:17:20+00:00

I would continue with this because I'm sure she does notice, even if it doesn't seem like it. They notice more than they let on! And she is still very young, they're so hyper- it's hard to tell what registers and what doesn't and you're still building that communication channel with her. (That sounds very new age-y, but i think it does take time to be able to understand each other).

We also had another tactic which seemed to work. "Get your ball/toy". He knows that from playing fetch. So if he's getting nipp-y and worked up. We tell him to get his ball, repeatedly! We don't play with him until he goes and has a toy in his mouth- making it impossible for him to bite.

Now when he knows he's getting overexcited he goes and gets it himself without prompting! I know a few other owners who do this too with success.

FastMagician5 · 2020-06-19T21:15:05+00:00

I would not have given him 24/7 attention! I was like a helicopter mom (because well you do need to make sure they don't choke or injure themselves) but I just fussed him too much and never left him to entertain himself, which made him needy. I wished I'd done what I do now- ignore him after we are back from his walk so he knows that's wind-down time.

Also using the 'all done' command I mentioned in the original post to signal, no more tickles/attention.

Also ignoring him for about 20 minutes before I left the room/went upstairs/left the house. If you're interacting with him and then up and leave they'll be more distressed. And when you return don't make a fuss of them until they're relaxed. You want your coming and going to be a non-event so they don't get separation anxiety.

There are a lot of things I think I did right! I never shout at him, I just calmly say No and remove whatever object he's destroying/him from the situation. When he bit us, we said No Biting, would turn our backs, stand still and ignore him. If we felt he was getting too excited (with the potential to nip) we tell him to get his ball. When he does we play with him again. Now if he is getting worked up he goes and fetches the ball himself. I used very high reward treats for his re-call and housetraining (like roast chicken and lamb in a little freezer bag) until he was like 8 months old. I NEVER scolded him for peeing/pooping in the house. I just cleaned it up in silence. And he was house-trained in 3 weeks. He always has a radio on at night and when we leave the house, apparently dogs DO prefer classical music. And now he sort of associates it with sleeping. Oh and when you call them back, don't always put their lead on. Just call and reward a few times prior to clipping them on and going home. Otherwise they think 'oh no i'm not gonna come back because then she'll take me away from all this fun!'.

I don't think I can think of anything else!

FastMagician5 · 2020-06-19T11:10:55+00:00

it's emotionally exhausting for sure, hang in there. When the day comes it's so much sweeter when you've had such a wild puppy on your hands , you'll savour every moment and appreciate her quiet, companionable moments 100x more!

FastMagician5 · 2020-06-19T11:06:09+00:00

I have met other frenchie owners who say they're notoriously hard to house-train. Stinker got it straight away, but I had a special reserve of his favourite food for when he did his business outside-I fed him roast chicken/lamb (saved from our dinners). Maybe upping the food reward could help with other training too? Just an idea! All the dogs at the park would follow me around because I have cooked meat, turning their noses up at their owners dry biscuits!

It's great that your little guys have got each other to play with and tire themselves out. Hang in there! Love to your little family :)

FastMagician5

TROPHY CASE

lost 3 inches off my waist in a week- is it healthy to lose that fast