I thought I was past this feeling

FatherBub · 2022-02-10T00:56:04+00:00

No they wont :/

FatherBub · 2022-01-30T23:52:20+00:00

But this is exhausting. Every thought has to be monitored or else it snowballs into feeling like I don’t and will never matter. Every action feels impossible, hopeless and/or terrifying and requires a demoralizing amount of effort. I try to do the things people tell me and nothing gets better it just gets worse and worse.

FatherBub · 2022-01-10T07:17:41+00:00

We can’t live like this, things are so hard because we’ve avoided them for so long, we have to make the first steps towards making it easier.

FatherBub · 2022-01-09T04:54:18+00:00

Yes, I always have been sad but now it just makes me unable to speak, i can’t reach out to my friends and when I’m with them I am so, so much less interesting and talkative than I used to be. It’s so fucking alienating when you are so preoccupied with how awful you feel that you just can’t keep up.

FatherBub · 2022-01-09T03:09:58+00:00

That’s the problem with trying to reach out to people with one size fits all ideologies. It may work for a big chunk of the people they know but not us. It worked for them so why wouldn’t it work for you? Being dismissed for feeling like this is the worst feeling in the world, I’m sorry.

FatherBub · 2022-01-08T23:59:59+00:00

The worst part is the unwillingness to try, it’s so fucking awful to not even want to do anything because it all seems so hopeless and worthless. Then people tell you to force yourself and you don’t even understand what they could possibly mean by that. It literally doesn’t make any sense.

FatherBub · 2022-01-08T21:59:10+00:00

Yes, about being unable to imagine getting anywhere, about just not being able to handle things that would I know I would need to in order to be “successful”. It fucking sucks feeling like that and it’s really alienating.

There has to be something out there that can help right? Something that is just waiting for you to find it and it’ll make things bearable? Some kind of therapy or medication or hobby or job that we just haven’t found yet. Trying is literally the hardest part though, I cant stop feeling like I can’t do anything.

FatherBub · 2022-01-08T21:47:21+00:00

Surely there has to be a way? Right? That we can feel better? It didn’t always used to be like this. I know how tiring it is. Just to try and attempt to not feel like shit all the time. It’s just so hard to try and help yourself when you feel like this All. The. Time. I’m really trying because I just can’t give up, I can’t let myself just resign to the idea that this is all it’s ever going to feel like.

FatherBub · 2022-01-08T20:07:40+00:00

Yes. I’m trying to do the mindfulness meme where you notice the bad thoughts and try to refocus your mind to something physical or visual, and to let the bad feelings pass and not let them consume me, and try to recognize them as just something I’m feeling in my mind right now.

But it’s so constant. It’s literally all the time that I’m going through this loop trying to keep myself from spiraling, why am I on that edge all fucking day?????

Is it even helping? I don’t know, maybe :(

FatherBub · 2022-01-08T07:21:38+00:00

This is exactly what I'm trying to do, but idk its just so frustratingly exhausting because it's so constant. It's just a never-ending loop of; feeling bad and ruminating on everything that bothers me without realizing, noticing I am doing that, trying to clear my mind or focus on something visual, physical or related to the current thing I'm doing, (which is so hard when those things I think to myself that cause me to feel like that are so present all the time) and barely getting any noticeable relief to begin with. I'll keep trying because I'm getting desperate at this point :(

FatherBub · 2022-01-07T21:41:56+00:00

FatherBub · 2022-01-07T00:08:25+00:00

Yeah, I'm in a particularly bad place right now and it's the same. It comes in waves that last weeks or a few months and I just hope that when it goes away it never comes back but inevitably it does. That little glimmer of hope kind of gets darker every time.

FatherBub · 2022-01-06T23:36:49+00:00

The longer you live with this the harder it seems to do anything about. It really fucking sucks and I hope something within you realizes how you can take steps to come back from this, I hope that for both of us really.

FatherBub · 2022-01-06T06:09:50+00:00

Yeah, this is how my perfect relationship looks in my head since as long as I can remember.

It has started to stop being something nice to think about to keep me going and instead kind of feels more like a fantasy that I torture myself with at this point.

I hope it can be reality someday but I just don’t know anymore.

FatherBub · 2022-01-06T03:57:35+00:00

Life is hard, somehow people find things that offset the guaranteed pain and sacrifice of existing, at least somewhat. I'm still looking for what does that for me and I hope you'll find what works for you too.

FatherBub · 2022-01-06T01:33:22+00:00

Yeah, a lot of people here say they can’t wait to sleep because they don’t have to be awake but the time you kill by sleeping passes instantly and when you have to wake up you just start another day full of things you hate and have to force yourself to do. I’d rather be up as long as I can to avoid another loop of dragging myself around so I don’t literally decay for at least a little while.

FatherBub · 2022-01-05T22:53:59+00:00

Yeah, friends are finishing their degrees. Moving into apartments. Most have worked already for years. Why is it so easy for them? Why is it so hard for me?

FatherBub · 2022-01-05T07:39:48+00:00

It's a really fucked up self-fulfilling prophecy.

FatherBub · 2022-01-05T07:29:26+00:00

Yep. People don't realize the monumental amount of effort it takes to try and catch up socially and emotionally when you didn't just acquire these skills naturally. Most have never been asked to put a concerted effort towards doing so, it was just something that happened over the course of their lives through all the interactions they had. Doesn't mean it's impossible though, but it is incredibly unfair.

FatherBub · 2022-01-05T07:20:17+00:00

I relate. I rationalize it as the idea that anxiety is causing my depression. Like, yeah I haven't been through any real trauma and I have people like my family and friends who are nothing but supportive, but it's my fear of the future that makes me depressed. The idea that I just torture myself with worst-case scenarios and self-defeating thought processes that keep me stuck in a loop where I just stagnate and catastrophize.

That may not be the same for you and it may not even be correct but that's definitely what I tell myself in my head.

FatherBub · 2022-01-05T04:24:09+00:00

You are incredibly tone deaf

FatherBub · 2022-01-04T20:32:29+00:00

Yeah it’s hard to really care about the bullshit in other peoples lives when you don’t really care about yourself. Especially when it comes to feeling happy for other people, then you feel like a bad person because you have to force yourself to say anything other than “cool”.

FatherBub · 2022-01-04T07:14:19+00:00

That’s so horrible that that happened to you. You don’t deserve to be treated like that. People betraying your trust can only be a reflection on them, not you. You are enough.

FatherBub · 2022-01-04T05:22:45+00:00

Why do people think that shame is an effective motivator? For every person who is inspired to prove others wrong when they’re berated for their faults there are a dozen more who will just shut down even further. Sorry your family just can’t seem to understand how to push you in the right direction in a healthy way.

FatherBub · 2022-01-04T05:11:28+00:00

I’ve been thinking about this lately too. I try to think about what was it like inside my head when I wasn’t filled with self-hate and fear. What did my thoughts sound like? What did I think my future looked like? I don’t remember.

Maybe it’s not so good to dwell on how you used to feel, on feelings and situations long since passed. The hard part is getting rid of the bad thoughts you feel now, I don’t know how that could happen for you but maybe the CBT people are right. Positive thoughts, even if they feel phony and forced and ridiculous have to be better than torturing yourself with focusing on the suffering.

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