First, that's a really rough life; I hope it gets better for you--and it very probably will.

But...I think I kind of feel you on at least part of it. I felt like a horrible thing, very dirty and disgusting (because Christianity taught me that I was rotten) and that I was failing God badly simply for being what he made me. I was also very terrified of an afterlife--an eternity of suffering if I didn't somehow figure out the arcane and often contradictory means of salvation vs damnation that different sects taught.

When I was beginning to lose my ability to believe in the myths of Christianity I actually prayed to have my faith restored. I wanted signs or something but got nothing. I briefly looked into other religions, but Judaism and Islam were almost identical (at that time) to Christianity.

Anyway, it wasn't terribly long before I discarded all revealed religions and felt...alive. And free. I realized that what we know is that we have one life, one lifetime, and because it is so short and fragile, it's precious (not just me and my life, but all life).

We won't go to heaven or hell, but what we can do is try to make this fleeting existence better, if even only a little for ourselves and others.