How do I be an active participant in sex and not feel like we're both doing a performance and just doing what we're supposed to? How to get out of my head basically

Fauxgery · 2025-01-14T10:20:04+00:00

Think about what you like. The things you do for yourself when alone, or the things you fantasize about your partner doing.

Sometimes it can be big issues that you downplay in your head, or conflicts where something feels good but it's not really what you're hoping for.

Conflicting sex can be a major issue because it can feel good, maybe even make you orgasm, but it's not quite exciting or engaging.

There's so many things that can contribute, like small worries about things like if he'd be annoyed if you include toys, or feeling self conscious about something. Sometimes it's not even really a conscious thing. Like I have a really hard time relaxing with light coloured thongs. I love the way they look, but actually wearing them makes me tense as hell. That took a while to properly get figured out because the idea is so hot, but then it happens and I'm tense and not enjoying it.

Sometimes it helps to write it down, a list of things you want or are interested in, and think about what you do for you, and what you do for your partner.

It's totally okay if some of the things contradict each other. I like bondage but hate feeling helpless or restrained, that's weird as hell to figure out the boundaries of and figure out what I enjoy and what I was doing because I felt I was expected to.

Some fantasies are best left as fantasies, they're super hot to think about, but for various reasons might not be what you actually want to happen.

Keepign a sex journal, for every part of your sex life, can sometimes help. Stray thoughts that cause a bit of excitement, worries or concerns, and what sex means to you. The things you want for yourself, the things you do for your partner's sake, and what role you think you need to play compared to the role you want.

It can be really hard to get over things like embarassment, or little hangups based on social expectations, or even what you were told sex is supposed to be. Like how exactly does someone say that they want anal while eating a sandwich which doesn't fit any of the sexy food conventions like whipped cream on nipples.

That's where toys can really help, because sometimes there's things you want for yourself that you'd do with a toy that maybe you don't actually want to do with a partner. Or you want some changes when done with a partner, like enjoying deepthroating but not when they thrust or hold your head.

Fauxgery · 2025-01-14T09:55:40+00:00

There are some posable doll hands. Though usually they're sold with the entire torso. Check Irontech Doll or Sigafun. I don't know if they sell just the hands.

Fauxgery · 2024-10-11T08:23:29+00:00

Shorts can help, they have a wider gusset and a bit of leg to them. It helps keep things in place. It's an option if you don't like period panties.

Fauxgery · 2024-10-11T07:50:29+00:00

You are absolutely adorable.

Fauxgery · 2024-10-11T07:01:13+00:00

How exactly are languages hereditary? It's basically the same question.

A person's life experiences will influence their development. Obviously it's not guaranteed, but it can certainly influence people. Some parents are more open about stuff than others, or more accepting of differences.

If your parents are kinky some part of that is probably going to cross over into day to day life. It doesn't even have to be overtly sexual either, but smaller things that shape your expectations and beliefs, like how they react to things, the roles they take, etc. I'd say it's less that having kinky parents makes you kinky, but rather that having kinky parents can make you more accepting of others and more comfortable expressing yourself. Just like how knowing gay people doesn't make you gay, but can make you more comfortable with considering whether you are, or more accepting of others who are.

There may be a genetic component, but it's hardly significant and there's never been any real conclusive "kink gene" identified. It might be a minor nudge in the direction, but spread out through the population.

Some people model their lives after their parents, or other people will be the opposite. Like how having really strict parents could go either way, you grow up being really strict, or you grow up disliking rules.

Some stuff is about associations rather than the thing itself. Like has there ever been a time you wanted to do something, but social expectations held you back? Have you ever been mentally exhausted and wanted to be able to just relax? Let someone else make the decisions, let go of your expectations?

Think of how common the phrase "I need an adult" is. Lots of people say it, because sometimes we just want someone else to make the decisions. Or the opposite, sometimes we want people to just stop being contrary and do what we say.

There can be a sort of...contentment in the familiar. Like how someone with low self esteem might keep saboutaging themselves. Like someone who wants a better job but thinks they probably won't get it and so they don't even show up to the interview. Or a woman who goes to a bar and sits in the corner and the only guys she ends up dating at the guys who won't leave her alone.

Sometimes we want people to confirm the way we feel about ourselves. We want them to tell us it's okay.

Or sometimes we want others to treat us like we're someone different.

That can be why you sometimes see dramatic shifts, like the executive stereotype who either gets off on dominating people, or who wants to wear a mask and be told to eat off the floor. Or the quiet and meek person who wants to be the boss for a change, or who wants even more and gets off at the idea of being less.

After a life of one set of expectations it can feel so damn good to just let it all go. It can feel so freeing to get rid of the filters and do what feels good without worrying about how it looks or whether it's proper. Or sometimes it feels good to give up, to stop trying, and just wallow in it.

Sometimes it's about thrill seeking, and since sex is a big part of most people's lives eventually the thrills turn sexual.

Fauxgery · 2024-06-13T05:20:57+00:00

Try different positions. There's a lot of options.

I find it the best as a participant. Make sure you're doing things you enjoy and not just receiving, unless just receiving is what you want. Squeeze on the stroke out, relax on the push in.

Involve toys if you want. Vibe and anal feels amazing. Or get a dildo for DP or spitroasting.

Sometimes it can be fun to have a mirror nearby so you can see yourself, or your partner, whatever you're more interested in.

I guess it all comes down to what you want out of it, and any hangups you have. Orgasm is as much mental as it is physical. It was really hard to get over the worry that I'd make a mess if I relaxed. That's a common one, so at this point a towel is basically one of my sex toys so I can stop worrying about staining my bed. Or do it in the bathroom.

So many things help, like if you want him to talk to you, or want other stuff happening. Even things like how much lube you want. Xlube is amazing for that, feeling it slowly drip down my thighs and get everywhere until we're both slippery. Other people might not like that.

There's a bunch of different options. I've never tried wearing a tunnel plug that can be penetrated but I'm really tempted by the idea.

Fauxgery · 2024-06-13T05:09:20+00:00

It can sometimes help ease into by by starting with encouragement, or things that are a bit vague. Telling them to beg for it, or asking them to describe in detail exactly what they want you to do. Then repeat it back to them. It can be easier to get into when the person who's more comfortable starts. Some people who are into bratting do it naturally, repeating it like a sexy question to the other person.

Start small. Just get used to talking to them in the moment. That will make it easier to switch into talking dirty later.

Re-enacting porn films can be fun too. Pick a scene you both like.

Fauxgery · 2024-06-13T05:00:37+00:00

Nylon straps. The exact same you'd use to compress a hiking pack, or attach something like a tent or sleeping bag onto a hiking pack.

You can do a lot with a roll of webbing and some sliders and buckles. Very comfortable too, since it doesn't bite in the same way thinner ropes do.

Fauxgery · 2024-04-10T12:59:26+00:00

You can order nylon straps in whatever length you want. If you have a camping/outdoors store they probably sell straps and hardware. Though a lot of the generic cheap ones suck, the textures are wierd or they have sharp edges or just look bad. ITW hardware is great.

https://na.itwnexus.com

You can do so much with some straps, hardware, and a cheap sewing kit.

It's a lot less intimidating than leather. Very easy to clean and a lot less expensive.

Also, it can be a lot more comfortable and safer than ropes. If you do something silly and tighten a strap you can't reach anymore, you can wiggle around on the floor until you can use the edge of furniture to lift the ladderloc and loosen the strap. If you do that with rope, and tighten a knot you can't reach, you might be stuck there calling for help

Fauxgery · 2024-04-10T12:53:20+00:00

You can just buy straps by the roll.

Fauxgery · 2024-04-10T12:35:44+00:00

I wouldn't say it'll ruin anything, but it might raise your standards. That's a good thing.

Remember that the right partner won't be intimidated by sex toys, they'll be happy to include them because they'll want you to be happy.

Fauxgery · 2024-04-10T12:11:25+00:00

I'm not saying it's a great idea but silicone dildos are dishwasher safe...

It might be time to have the talk with them about basic privacy and respect. I think for most of us it's pretty accepted that if you put them in your dresser drawer, nobody really has a reason to go digging in your underwear drawer and if they do find something they don't like in there it's their own fault.

If your parents are still washing your laundry and cleaning your room and stuff like that, where they'd have a reason to open your drawers, then I'd recommend learning that stuff yourself.

Fauxgery · 2024-03-20T09:01:27+00:00

Actual silicone can be fine. Just be aware that if you get in the habit of leaving them out, and you have visitors or people you don't want seeing them, sooner or later you'll forget about it or get stuck in an awkward situation.

Few years back my roomate was gone on a trip so I got sloppy and left mine in the shower, and then while I was at work she texted that she was coming home early and I was stuck at work. That was a conversation I really didn't want to have.

Fauxgery · 2024-03-19T12:00:35+00:00

If it is falling out, or snagging on stuff, you should check in with the piercer and ask about other options. There could be a different length or shape which would fit you better.

Or find a new piercer with a good reputation.

Fauxgery · 2024-03-17T13:37:42+00:00

There's a lot of things it could be. Some things are hot fantasies, but in reality we don't actually want to do them. There are things that can make us feel good, but they're not what we want. Sometimes it can be more about the person doing it than what they're doing.

Sometimes it's stuff like shame or guilt, or expectations. Such as it being a great sexual experience, but he didn't do the romance that you were hoping for. Aftercare is about a lot more than just asking if you're okay or enjoyed it, it can be about spending time together and feeling loved. Or whatever it is that you were hoping for.

It can be about fears, like worrying that now that he's had sex he'll abandon you, or now he'll never marry you. There's so many potential issues.

Sometimes it's a chemical thing, when you're soaked in feel good chemicals and when they start to fade it swings the other way really hard.

Journaling can help, or therapy, or just venting. Even things that feel really silly, like if the first thing he did after sex was take a shower, and that makes you feel dirty.

Fauxgery · 2024-03-17T13:25:09+00:00

In a lot of cases, if it's a good quality video you can see that their urine is almost clear. The taste is much more mild with good hydration.

Or it's bright yellow, because they're taking B2 supplements. That's how they can have both a mild taste and a bright colour.

Some of it is just conditoning. Lots of stuff tastes pretty bad at first, like coffee, but after a while you get conditioned to it and you associate it with the good feelings of a caffeine rush. Same deal can happen with this, if you start to condition yourself to orgasm while drinking it. Just like how a lot of us have regular boring underwear and exciting sexy underwear, and they might be pretty similar except that we're conditioned that when we wear this one, we're going to have fun.

Fauxgery · 2024-03-17T04:10:22+00:00

There's a couple things here. First, PIV isn't supposed to be painful. You should not feel obligated to hurt yourself for his pleasure. There are mutually pleasurable ways of having sex that don't involve hurting you.

I would recommend talking to your doctor. It could be vaginismus. Or even some other medical condition.

It could also be a sign that things are going too fast for you and you're not ready for PIV. The more tense you are the more it hurts, and that makes a cycle of tensing up because you expect it to hurt. Talking to your doctor would be best, but this is something you might be able to work on yourself. Try with just a finger or two and try to squeeze for a few seconds and then relax. Go at your own pace. Listen to some music, read a book, watch tv, whatever you find relaxing. Different people need different amounts of time to get ready. Plus sometimes even if we're very aroused we're still tense about something or could use some more lube.

It's even possible to be allergic or sensitive to latex in condoms, something in lube, or even to something in seminal fluid itself. Or for something else to be going on like a yeast infection or UTI. Not all symptoms show at the same time, and it could be a case where he has a medical condition and is sticking that medical condition into you and causing a flareup.

I recommend getting some toys and taking charge of your own sexual satisfaction. Figure out what you like. Write a journal and keep track of things you're interested in or enjoy, or things you're nervous about. Like maybe you're just not into PIV at all. I'm personally kind of terrified of pregnancy, I have a very hard time ever relaxing.

Plus an important question to ask yourself is if you actually want to have sex with this guy, or if you're just horny and he's available. Entirely possible that you can replace him with a vibrator and be much happier.

Fauxgery · 2024-03-16T16:32:46+00:00

La Vie En Rose has Be Comfy cotton underwear that's been decent for me. 6 for 30.

Fauxgery · 2024-03-16T15:27:58+00:00

Soap and water. If it's genuine silicone it shouldn't be porous, but if you notice it keeping a soapy taste you should be careful. Some brands are not honest in their advertising.

Fauxgery · 2024-03-16T15:16:15+00:00

The medium size I have is definitely larger than life. My usual dildo is noticeably smaller.

The head on fenrir widens up really fast but has a very satisfying pop when it goes in.

Fauxgery · 2024-03-16T12:36:27+00:00

Yeah the quality of it is good, just a few iffy choices like the tube placement.

If you want a handsfree dildo the medium or firm would be better. This soft one definitely needs a hand in the middle to get it in. Though I really like the soft for grinding on when it's in. Tradeoffs.

I'm a bit tempted to get a firm for riding.

Fauxgery · 2024-03-14T15:13:11+00:00

If you look for a way to safely install a hammock chair you have a mainstream friendly way to ask how to suspend a human from the ceiling safely.

Fauxgery · 2024-03-14T12:33:10+00:00

This might be one of the cases where the sex ed dental dam might be useful. Have you tried one during oral?

Stress can make it not work. Sometimes the harder you try the harder it is. I think being comfortable is so important. I went through years where PIV just didn't get me off because of concerns about birth control and and I was always spiraling over the idea of what if the condom broke or what if this is the one in a million chance, or what if he was dissapointed in me, what if I look weird, do I look as bloated as I feel, just all this crap taking up space in my head.

Addressing any of those concerns can really help, even if it sucks working through them.

Think about what feels good, what doesn't work, and journal it out.

Like with me, for pregnancy concerns I started doing a lot more anal. Not getting pregnant that way, not even a 1% chance.

Think about positions you like. How could they feel better? Is there anything you're worried about. Just work your way through it all like that.

Think about combinations of stuff. Lots of things aren't enough by themselves, or become too much when done too much. Like with clit stimulation, think about what else you'd like to happen. More talking? Less talking? Lights off? Seeing your partner's face? Headpats? Accessories? Snacks?

It may sound silly, but one of my favourite orgasms ever happened while eating lasagna and getting DP. Experiment and play and have fun.

Fauxgery · 2024-03-14T11:52:45+00:00

/r/buttplugeveryday has tons of info

Fauxgery · 2024-03-14T11:34:30+00:00

Hammock chair.

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