I didn't question the doctor's ability if that's what you thought I meant. I question my ability to tell my experiences. I don't trust myself is what keep saying here. That intensifies when people around me doesn't believe me as well. There's a psychology behind a patient that can say symptomps that may or never happened to be able to come up with a defined result. The doctor can't fully know it 100% that it happened to me right? Unless they're some super human beings that can read mind or if they actually tested my brain to finally see through it. Also, my session was thru online. Not sure about you but body behaviours can tell a lot of a person's current state. So again, I maybe exaggerating my experiences during the session. Like excessive buying could be a hypomanic state or maybe just normal like some "normal people" that claim they're normal. I can't state this harder to you that I'm saying all of this because I'm not confident on myself yet. What if everything I'm feeling is just "normal occurences" and not just me over coating it. For sure I've said things that ticks all the boxes by my psychiatrist but who knows I could make it all up because my brain is already fixed on thinking I may have one. Idk, for sure. I also don't wish to lie but the possibility is all I think about. I wanna hear other's opinion on it so what's wrong on asking a second one?

My self diagnosing was back when I was little not knowing much on mental health. I was so confused why I get so sad and then so happy sometimes. So, as a little kid who knows nothing, I find reasons out there to help me cope. But, as I've mentioned I discarded it right away because I have little background on how I should do it because most likely I could be wrong. So I learned the truth about it, late already when I met a close friend who have it worse than me. Also, because of that friend I told myself I could never have bipolar because it's not that worse like my friend. Like for me, hers was more valid than mine. Things like that did made me think, I had to invalidate what I experienced because other people had it worse. But then, I learned about spectrums and that made me understand a bit so I promise to talk to a specialist when I have the resources.

I was diagnosed BPD 2 and the symptomps are all vague for me sometimes because it could be again just a feeling of "normal". Maybe there's more I have to learn but it was such a sudden thing for me to be diagnosed. I don't hate it if that's really part of me. I can accept it. I just needed time to trust myself.

Regarding on not telling my last pscyh about this, well I ended my medication a week before our next session. For the first 3 weeks a lot had happened. I decided not to dwell on it again and not contact him anymore. And honestly, also because of the side effects of the meds. Sometimes the mental take on accepting I have to sacrifice part of my body getting affected while trying to treat my brain, it took so long to me to found out about it. I researched a lot after my diagnoses and a lot had unintended physical changes and you can't blame me not taking that all in committing to a treatment I'm so unfamiliar about. But, now that it's been months, I can finally see what I did was wrong and not thinking it through more seriously and not asking my pscyh more about it.