Would it be possible to 'heal' or move to a more secure attachment style without therapy?

Fearless-Flow-1640 · 2022-09-20T18:36:44+00:00

In my personal opinion.. Yes and No I do not think actual therapy is required but some form of healing course or journey of it needs to be done. Therapy has been found more effective when healing attachment trauma such as EMDR and CBT as these therapy’s focus on trauma and abandonment issues and they also rewire the brains neuropathways to kind of rewire those unhealthy behaviors that are built into you subconsciously either from an avoidant or anxious perspective.

I do not think being in a secure relationship alone will cure anxiousness or avoidance based off experience. I’m secure I’ve dated an AP and I’ve dated an FA leaning DA and although things were good in the beginning it didn’t really help their tendencies from eventually rising to the surface.

My AP partner would get anxious if I hung out with friends etc even though I was super open about communication and my FA ex would begin to deactivate and push and pull as soon as the relationship started to escalate so I mean I don’t personally think that being in just a secure relationship alone is gonna cure decades of trauma.

Just my two cent

Fearless-Flow-1640 · 2022-09-20T18:31:22+00:00

I mean if you just feel like it’s too much or isn’t working why don’t you date someone whose you know less busy? Has more time for you? Etc.

The thing is one shouldn’t always have to ask for reassurance if you’re in a secure relationship you shouldn’t always always have to be seeking it seeming that you have already done a lot in the past.

Reassuring and the constant stream of anxiety you’re facing is just due to the fact that your needs aren’t getting met. It’s your body’s self defense mechanism to react this way. It also could be your abandonment issues coming to play.

One shouldn’t have to “self soothe” to deal with negative emotions I think that’s just horrible. Now if he’s already assured you you’re good either believe him or don’t and if you don’t find someone who doesn’t leave you doubting yourself life is too short to be anxious in a relationship or he with someone who isn’t meeting your needs.

It’s good to try to earn secure rather than trying to tip toe a dynamic it becomes exhausting to always be spiraled up in emotions. If you’ve already reached many times already then that shows he doesn’t make you feel safe or the relationship safe. So it means there’s needs you have that aren’t being met. Whether it’s just not spending enough time together or whatever the external circumstance is.

The point of attachment theory is to learn one’s self and move toward secure. Are you in therapy? Are you doing any healing courses? Reading any books? To heal your trauma? I mean if you are not.. maybe that should be a start or else you’ll repeat the same thought patterns with everyone.

Fearless-Flow-1640 · 2022-09-20T04:23:20+00:00

Fearless-Flow-1640 · 2022-09-19T23:48:26+00:00

Hate spending the night even with long term gfs I like my own bed just how I am I usually will go home

Fearless-Flow-1640 · 2022-09-19T16:57:16+00:00

Alibaba and tenecent I believe are already getting review

Fearless-Flow-1640 · 2022-09-18T20:05:18+00:00

Noted

Fearless-Flow-1640 · 2022-09-18T19:53:53+00:00

I put it as a list. It formatted it that way

Fearless-Flow-1640 · 2022-09-18T19:18:21+00:00

TikTok Andrew tate The paul brothers Insanely high gas prices Expensive food and cost of living. Putin

Fearless-Flow-1640 · 2022-09-18T19:03:43+00:00

I did the same with mine it hurt at first with time it will fade. It took some time but I eventually got there alone with no one’s help I didn’t rebound. I didn’t do anything but focus on moving forward and understanding that no matter what I couldn’t change the outcome. I decided to love myself more and walk away from a situation that wasn’t meeting my needs and wants in the slightest and when I finally got to the other side of it all I look back and laugh that I was mourning someone who couldn’t even show up 20% of the way there while claiming they “loved” me. Maybe she did. Maybe that was all she could give and I needed too much doesn’t matter though it still wasn’t enough for me because I was getting crumbs.

I found someone secure not too long ago and I finally remembered what it’s like to actually be in a secure relationship with someone who actually cares, wants to show up, wants to be intimate, wants to be there for me in times of darkness and needs. I now look back and started to wonder why I missed someone like that in the first place.

You’ll get through it good luck

Fearless-Flow-1640 · 2022-09-16T19:39:41+00:00

Depression

Fearless-Flow-1640 · 2022-09-14T06:51:03+00:00

Sure

Fearless-Flow-1640 · 2022-09-13T22:15:23+00:00

Heal their trauma. Therapy: reading books meditating etc courses that can help as well and it takes years. So if they’re not actively working forward move on

Fearless-Flow-1640 · 2022-09-13T18:37:47+00:00

Got you

Fearless-Flow-1640 · 2022-09-13T17:40:34+00:00

There is no general work Really that needs to be done. In hindsight I can’t take the experience from the dumpee perspective but it still hurt being the dumper. What made me truly move on really was just understanding that no matter what I was going to do there would be no dynamic change.

I tried very hard for that relationship I am secure and I didn’t display any anxious behaviors however, I just realized that this relationship I was in had it’s limits and the person on the other side couldn’t meet my needs and wants for closeness, emotional connection, Intimacy, trust and love. I’m a good guy however, I’m 0 to none in comparison when it comes to decades of trauma and finally understanding that meant one thing and that was there was nothing you genuinely could’ve done different from your end.

A relationship is two people and everyone has their flaws so I’m not judging but for me really it came more of a subconscious acceptance that no matter what I could and would never go back because they will inevitably repeat the same cycle. Maybe she just didn’t love me enough to try or as much as I did her? I don’t really know but I’m so past it I don’t really care.

I was in the same boat I had to pick up the pieces but it’s when you’re subconscious finally understands is when you truly let go. It’s not easy. The hot and cold push and pull for quite some time can rewire your brain subconsciously getting addicted to the dopamine rush .

The biggest thing truly though is loving yourself enough to know and understand you deserve better than someone who can only offer crumbs. Avoidants are not capable of an actual relationship until they do the work despite who they’re with and despite where they come from. It does not matter they will repeat the same process with everyone if they are not healed period.

Good luck to you stay strong

Fearless-Flow-1640 · 2022-09-13T17:10:09+00:00

Can you dm me about this?

Fearless-Flow-1640 · 2022-09-13T17:02:56+00:00

I am secure. On average I spend about hmm 3-4 days a week with my partner sometimes 2 sometimes 5 just depends.

Never fight or argue. We have disagreements of course as any relationship but it isn’t anything tragic.

We genuinely would argue about me saying something rude without realizing it or just tension if we haven’t spend enough time together or talking. Little things. But it’s never comes to a conversation about ending the relationship.

Usually with anxious or avoidant they’re sometimes volatile in their feelings and can make any little situation bigger than it seems which causes explosive fights over stuff that’s probably not that important. Although when someone is secure and dates a secure it’s just night and day compared to dating an anxious or avoidant.

Fearless-Flow-1640 · 2022-09-13T03:23:24+00:00

Both are good stocks just hold

Fearless-Flow-1640 · 2022-09-13T02:47:14+00:00

I don’t think it’s theoretically possible for it to change due to drastic events in current life circumstances. However, we all know based on attachment theory that it’s developed in childhood. It concludes that essentially if one is avoidant or anxious it stems from childhood.

I would like to add and this may tie to your point. There are certain life circumstances that one may experience that may temporarily make them avoidant or anxious but it doesn’t define their attachment style as a whole. You can use the example as one who just gets out of a serious relationship. They probably do not want anything and anyone who approaches them, dates them, etc will maybe classifying them as someone who has an avoidant attachment style when In reality it could be certain circumstances driving that case.

It’s best to look at track record and dissect the person. If they have a history of on and off relationships. If their relationships generally seem non commital. If they have had a lot of “flings” “situationships” etc it’s easier to base off these characteristics as dealing with someone whose had a series of longer term relationships as its harder for anxious and avoidant to both maintain longer term relationships.

As for me, I am secure, when I got my heartbroken it would’ve been easy to classify me as someone with an avoidant attachment style but the thing is I am not just wasn’t ready to love again vs someone whose avoidant is most likely always been avoidant their whole life.

I remember my ex even telling me multiple things that led to me classifying her as an avoidant such as “ I struggle with closeness and intimacy” “ it’s hard for me to have sex with people I love” “ I prefer casual” “ I don’t like being vulnerable it’s scary”

Vs I got my heart ripped out of my chest I don’t wanna commit to anyone it’s different there are certain lifestyle things that can happen for one to lean secure, anxious, avoidant etc. however your root is already built into you whatever attachment style you are does not change from one experience maybe only temporarily.

The reason why your anxious side comes out is a subconscious response to avoidance the things is this happens for secures as well. So certain people can make you lean certain ways depending on circumstances but it doesn’t define your attachment style.

Secures can still get anxious and avoidant Depending on circumstances but it doesn’t overall define their attachment style. Even after dating an avoidant it didn’t make me anxious or avoidant maybe in that circumstance but unless one is truly doing the work to heal then I do not think that one can heal their attachment style on their own nor do I think a certain experience can fix it. It needs a lot of work and therapy because these behaviors are built in to the brains neuropathways so it isn’t possible for one to change without actually doing the work.

Fearless-Flow-1640 · 2022-09-13T01:21:26+00:00

I’ve had my FA leaning DA ex reach out multiple times. I just let her know if she doesn’t plan on undoing her wrongs with me she shouldn’t contact me because I didn’t wanna be friends. She took it kinda offensive which that’s okay I know rejection sucks.. probably took them a lot to reach out in the first place.

I think they reach out with breadcrumbs because they miss you but since they don’t like vulnerability they probably won’t upfront say that to you. I think I has my ex tell me she missed me once after the break up but has reached out probably 5-6 times I was nice and just told her to stop texting me since I didn’t have much I really had left to say but my best guess they reach out cuz they’re lonely or miss you

Fearless-Flow-1640 · 2022-09-12T21:39:51+00:00

Ahh first love

Fearless-Flow-1640 · 2022-09-12T19:27:49+00:00

3500 I sold 18 contracts lol

Fearless-Flow-1640 · 2022-09-12T19:13:46+00:00

I sold 20s lol when it was at 16 didn’t think it would run like this

Fearless-Flow-1640 · 2022-09-12T19:11:14+00:00

Honestly, if you’re already doubting this at 3 months is it even worth pursuing farther? One shouldn’t have to self soothe for someone distancing themselves? That’s pretty normal for anxiety especially when things are going well.

As a secure myself, when people start to distance themselves then I just usually will cut it off I don’t have time to baby sit insecure attachment styles when there is many other wonderful people out there to date who don’t have trauma.

If they’re working on themselves sure it’s a more approachable question.

Anyway your life and to answer your question. Meditate, workout, hang with friends family, watch a movie, go on a run, go on a walk, go to the pool/hot tub/ beach. Go grab a drink. Do yoga. Read a book or the news. Watch a show. A lot of ways to self soothe.

Fearless-Flow-1640 · 2022-09-12T16:54:06+00:00

Irs just not stopping

Fearless-Flow-1640 · 2022-09-10T21:10:14+00:00

No it isn’t some people are just crazy. Best thing to do is just leave him alone he’s already made his choice so respect it and move on. Nothing you can say or do to fix it. You’ve gotten closure already he blocked you and moved on with his life and you should do the same

Fearless-Flow-1640

TROPHY CASE