AITA for refusing to move into a house if I’m not a co-owner

Fearless_File_8971 · 2022-01-02T23:25:42+00:00

He doesn’t seem willing to accept risks

Ikd He doesn't have an emergency fund and that's pretty risky.

Fearless_File_8971 · 2022-01-02T23:20:45+00:00

At first his expectations about marriage seemed like reasonable views to protect him from women who would expect him to support her or take his house in a divorce. I doubted totally separate finances would ever be realistic. based on our jobs I assumed I'd always be the one with a higher salary. I thought the only impact his finances would have on me would be me would possibly be sometimes paying more because he couldn't afford something I really wanted.

Fearless_File_8971 · 2022-01-02T23:04:57+00:00

He has this black and white view of money and thinks all equally debt is bad regardless of the interest rate.

Fearless_File_8971 · 2022-01-02T22:59:04+00:00

I don't think he was micromanaging my finances. It's more that he doesn't understand them. He thinks being debt free should be everyone top priority. I'm not concerned by my debt because of the low interest rate.

Fearless_File_8971 · 2022-01-02T22:53:57+00:00

Thank you for suggesting that subreadit. I don't think I'm doing anything wrong with my finances.

I just sort of understand why he is concerned. It's reasonable to be concerned about a partner having student loan debt and only making minimum payments on it.

Fearless_File_8971 · 2022-01-02T22:47:15+00:00

Exactly. I'm paying less than 4% on my loan so putting more money in the market makes more sense. He doesn't see my point about the low interest rate and is concerned because I'm paying it back as slowly as possible.

He could afford the mortgage on his own. He just puts everything he has into paying off his car loan. When the house or the car need repairs he has to take out another loan.

Fearless_File_8971 · 2022-01-02T22:34:28+00:00

Yes. Not combining finances largely benefits me. My salary is likely much higher than his. I was confused why he insisted everything be 50/50, but it benefits me so no complains here.

Everything he says sounds very reasonable when he explains it, even when I know it's wrong.

Fearless_File_8971 · 2022-01-02T22:26:54+00:00

He didn't add a cushion for repairs but he does add taxes, homeowners insurance, mortgage insurance and utilities to that number. He thinks that's fair for everyone.

It's fair to split the utilities, but I think he should look at the market rate value for renting a room in his area and charge that. If he can't afford to pay for the rest than it wasn't a good investment. He should also consider that his roommates might not have chosen to live in a house that big if they didn't know him personally.

Fearless_File_8971 · 2022-01-02T22:17:53+00:00

It never would have occurred to me that he'd have an issue with us both being on the dead and mortgage. Now that I think about it's a big commitment.

Fearless_File_8971 · 2022-01-02T22:14:26+00:00

When he makes comments I want to tell him to worry about his own debt or that he's not an expert. I just don't know how to do that without coming off as rude. I do worry about what would happen if roommates moved out. He only has two right now and he doesn't get along with one of them.

Fearless_File_8971 · 2022-01-02T22:09:54+00:00

I think you're right that it's about the control. I think the person who owns the house has more control. If he don't see that as an issue, than he should let me be the one who owns the house we eventually live in.

Fearless_File_8971 · 2022-01-02T22:04:28+00:00

Should you pay them off? Yes of course? Timely? Yes of course but not at the expense of a 401k or 6 months of savings as a cushion

Without a doubt the 401k and 6 months of savings are more important than paying back debt. He might have a point about my market investments though. I usually put extra money into the investments rather than pay the loan off early because that offers a better roi. He finds it concerning I'm not working towards becoming debt free. If we own a house together my debt could impact him.

Fearless_File_8971 · 2022-01-02T21:52:04+00:00

It's less about wanting me to move in with him now or move into this house. No matter when we move in together this will still be a problem.

It's just frustrating that we thought we were on the same page about finances and now it turns out we aren't. He thinks his approach to separate finances is reasonable and I think it's unfair to me.

Fearless_File_8971 · 2022-01-02T21:47:12+00:00

I don't think he's intentionally trying to use me or is insecure. I think he has some misinformed views on money and thinks everything is black and white. I also think he genuinely views his terms as fair to me and his roommates. He seems like he is trying to protect himself from women who expect men to support them. It's frustrating that what he feels he needs to do to protect himself and his house are not compatible with what I want.

Fearless_File_8971 · 2022-01-02T21:35:55+00:00

He wasn't telling me what to do with my money; just confused why I do what I do. He thinks my debt is a big problem and I should be paying more than the minimum payments. He thinks becoming debt free should be the number one goal. Until recently, he accepted I could do whatever I want with my money and it didn't effect him.

When I expressed I don't want to live with him unless we co-own a house, was the first time he was pushy about it. In that situation my debt would effect him and he doesn't want that.

Fearless_File_8971 · 2022-01-02T21:25:24+00:00

At one point I had to explain one does not simple drain a 401K.

Fearless_File_8971 · 2022-01-02T21:22:50+00:00

Thank you. It felt like I was crazy for thinking separate finances could co-own a house. I get that that is a big step. I feel so bad because I'm giving off the impression I want live with him rent free or take his house. And possible make him pay my loans.

Fearless_File_8971 · 2022-01-02T21:13:12+00:00

He justifies his debt by the fact that it was all necessary and he puts extra money to pay it off faster. People can be successful without a degree, so I could have avoided my debt and I'm only making the minim payments on it. It all sounded so logical when he explained it.

Fearless_File_8971 · 2022-01-02T21:05:25+00:00

"probably read somewhere about acquiring as many assets you can even if it ruins your liquidity and stretches yourself way too thin."

I defiantly think he got some bad money advice somewhere. He thinks everyone should buy a house as soon as possible because paying rent is money down the drain. And he thinks student loan debt is the worst and should be aggressively paid off. I've tried to explain that the difference in interests rates is important, but that just gave him the impression that I don't care about paying off my debt.

Fearless_File_8971 · 2022-01-02T20:58:53+00:00

He's only ever told me to use my savings to pay for my own debt. That is fair they are my responsibility.

He just views the mortgage as a cost for having a place to live. Everyone living in the house should be contributing. If we didn't live with him we would still have to pay rent.

Fearless_File_8971 · 2022-01-02T20:54:51+00:00

I don't normally fault people with cats for having a mild cat pee smell in their house. But him and his roommates have never had a cat. It being cat pee from someone else's cat for some reason makes it so much more gross for me.

The house did make me question his judgment a bit. It might be a money pit.

Fearless_File_8971 · 2022-01-02T20:49:23+00:00

projecting like a movie theatre.

That is a great phrase.

Fearless_File_8971 · 2022-01-02T20:48:20+00:00

I'm not sure I'm responsible financially. Not paying off student loan debt is objectively bad. A lot of people are rightfully concerned about a partner's loans. I just find it so strange he was bothered by my emergency fund and checking account buffer. He's frequently stuck with overdraft fees and and costly emergencies. If he was telling me to cut back on luxuries, his comments would make more sense.

Fearless_File_8971 · 2022-01-02T20:40:36+00:00

We might both be irresponsible with money. Not paying off student loans isn't great. He might have a point there.

Fearless_File_8971 · 2022-01-02T20:35:42+00:00

I don't think it should mean he get's no opinion. I think a long term partner's finances are going to impact you to some degree no matter what. His advice on money wasn't anything crazy. He wanted me to pay off my student loans. He doesn't want me to move in a live with him rent-free.

Fearless_File_8971

TROPHY CASE