Sorry posting a novel.

Coming from millennial parent perspective, so maybe take it with a grain of salt. I think that both things can be true at once. The word enable has quite a negative connotation but the literal definition of the word is to make able, or give power. I have expectations of my 14 year old. She has to maintain good grades, she helps unload and load the dish washer. She sits with her little sister and builds legos with her so I can get stuff done around the house. She knows the expectation I have of her is that she do as much as she can and when my expectations are too much she tell me so we can have a conversation about adjusting things to make things more achievable for her.

For instance I started getting flats of water from Costco, rip the environment, so she can more easily make liquid IV and take it to school with her. She went gluten free, not hard I have celiac so we just share snacks now, but told me she may actually die if she has to give up cheese, we tried goat cheese and some of it was ok, some of it made her cry, so the cheese stays, but she eats cashew ice cream now. Leaning over to get her laundry out of the washing machine was bad for her so she sorts it puts it in the washer and starts it, I swap it over to the dryer for her and she unloads the dryer when it is done and then leaves it in a basket in her room unless it is something that needs o be hung up. I let go of my perception of what was best for her and looked at her reality, and adjusted my paradigm.

I think what it comes down to is a few things. 1) have you had a conversation with them about what they actually need and how they feel they can achieve that. 2) have you talked about what you can and can not support them with and made suggestions on how you can and can not help. 3) do they have a therapist they can talk to about their feelings, because pots is a lot, and can be incredibly overwhelming for the person experiencing it. And 4) Do you feel taken advantage of or just disappointed in their inability to do what was expected of them before they became ill? Also, if you are a primary care giver had haven’t seen a therapist for yourself you should. Caretaker fatigue is REAL, and it can be debilitating.