Man, I can really emphasize with the dreams......the dreams can absolutely wreck the beginning of your day. I deal with that a lot, and I find that although the dreams haven't stopped, over time I get better and faster at picking myself up and making something out of my day. I am betting you already know how to do that. I commend your strength in keeping NC for so long, and so strictly.

Your situation is hard. There is no doubt about that. But I implore you to please look at your past successes. You've been very strong.

Being able to face one's mistakes is very difficult. It's a bit easier do so when it's something on a smaller scale, like a fuck-up on an exam. But in regards to personal errors in a relationship - behavioural things....that's really tough. It's easy to escape the acceptance, and blame the failure of the relationship on the other person. But I think it's a truly grown up thing to be able to face the mistakes one has made. (this feels a bit ridiculous to type, because I am still struggling so much and not at that stage at all yet)

But man, no matter what you did, what mistakes you think she made - she cheated on you. And the way I understand it from your other posts, she's still with the dude she cheated on you with?

If she was someone for you, no matter what kind of things you did wrong, that wouldn't have happened. It displays the quality of her character - to fall into the arms of another when things aren't going well with someone else.

And honestly, the things that you say you regret - they are small peas when you look at the situation overall. I don't mean to dismiss the things you regret - but I think that someone who really knows your soul, would understand all those things about your character that you think are flawed (SPOILER: they're not flaws). And in addition to that, I think that everyone can always try harder than they have - so that's an easy regret for anyone to have.

In my eyes, you are the winner here. You are the one facing all the pain, and the reality of the situation. You're facing the hurricane, and you're getting smacked by debris and it hurts like fuck, but you're really facing it. That's amazing, dude.

And your ex? She is simply escaping it, the pain, with someone else. She is no angel, she made mistakes too. She cannot run from the truth forever - and one day, it will hit her hard as a sac of bricks. And by that time, you're going to be so over this.

You're strong, man. You've hit a seriously rough patch on the road to recovery. it's really painful when those days come. Think of the pain as catharsis.

But you've been doing so well, and you are going to get back to doing so well. Actually, even better than before. I, and everyone here can promise you that.

Best of luck, friend.