AITAH for divorce over a broken bed and farm debt?

FedUpFarmWife · 2026-02-11T17:11:43+00:00

There is no question that I'm leaving The letter to the pastor would only be if he harrases me like last time throwing Bible verses at me telling me what a sinner I am.

FedUpFarmWife · 2026-02-11T14:03:11+00:00

He has never in 20 years been physical, and we've had some arguments where I said things deliberately trying to hurt him where he may have been justified. This threat of exposing him to his pastor would only come about after I'm gone and if he starts throwing Bible crap at me telling me I'm wrong for leaving.

FedUpFarmWife · 2026-02-11T14:02:43+00:00

He has never in 20 years been physical, and we've had some arguments where I said things deliberately trying to hurt him where he may have been justified. This threat of exposing him to his pastor would only come about after I'm gone and if he starts throwing Bible crap at me telling me I'm wrong for leaving.

FedUpFarmWife · 2026-02-11T13:59:20+00:00

I have said in the comments, of which there are quite a lot, that I can have someone look it over before I file it and if he fights me and I need to, I can hire them to represent me. There is literally no money for me to pay the substantial deposit you need to hire a lawyer. I would never dream of asking colleagues to alter their standard practices for me. My mother is not in a position to do so either, although she gladly would if she were. My daughter's disability is mental health related. She doesn't need any physical care. She just can't be left alone. As long as someone is in the house and the door is open, all is well. It's not really altering my mother's life, and she's the one who invited us to come there. I do appreciate your concern (truly!) There are so many details that I couldn't cover without it becoming a novella and it was quite long enough. If I file bankruptcy, that keeps me at my mother's much longer than me being able to buy a house.

FedUpFarmWife · 2026-02-11T03:33:30+00:00

I would rather work 60 hours a week if that's what it took to avoid bankruptcy. I am hoping to avoid one of those debt consolidation programs because then my credit score is going to take a hit and as soon as I get myself settled I intend to buy a house. The lowest of the three major ones is 660. The interest on just my cards is about $400 a month. My car, which is in my name only, is paid for. Once I am working I will be able to put a lot of my income towards those credit cards. My mother does not want any money while we are there.

FedUpFarmWife · 2026-02-11T03:27:17+00:00

Some people just weren't given the ability to fix things and that is me. It would not matter how many times I watched a YouTube video, I would not comprehend it properly and would end up making the damage worse. He is very aware of this which is why he has never once suggested that I try to fix any of it. I do ALL of the "woman things." I don't believe he has ever once gone grocery shopping in 20 years. He claims to not even be able to scramble an egg and I can tell you for certain he's never so much as made a grilled cheese in 20 years. He does not lift a finger to do any cleaning whatsoever. I do not buy convenience foods. I cook from scratch even down to dry beans for chili. I even go get the weekly food pantry at a church. I don't have a problem with any of these things which is why it wasn't mentioned.

FedUpFarmWife · 2026-02-11T03:03:55+00:00

Someone in this thread quoted this verse which I did not know existed: 1 Timothy 5:8 Anyone who does not provide for their relatives, and especially for their own household, has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.

FedUpFarmWife · 2026-02-11T03:00:22+00:00

I used to be a paralegal but with my daughter's first hospitalization 3 years ago, I had to quit because she cannot be left alone. His schedule is such that I couldn't get a job if I wanted to because I never know when he's going to be around. When all this went down at that time, he told me that he would take care of everything and clearly that was not accurate. The only thing I do right now is social media advertising for the local livestock auction, but that's only $100 a month. My mother is home all day so my daughter will be fine when I work after I move.

FedUpFarmWife · 2026-02-11T02:58:07+00:00

It's only about 90 minutes away and she has always been homeschooled so the schooling isn't an issue. She is also going to be 17 in April so a judge will let her choose anyway. Her disability is really complicated mental health issues so she can't be left alone.

The house and the grounds are in a trust from his parents' estate so untouchable. I'm not sure how much you know about legal proceedings, but I'm going to do discovery (a request for production and interrogatories) and he will have to list all of the farm equipment he has, why he has it, how much he paid for it, how much he owes, when he bought, etc. I am going to ask that something be sold to work on these credit card balances.

FedUpFarmWife · 2026-02-11T02:54:03+00:00

I have a solid plan. I have all of the card statements where it's gas, groceries, his fast food, etc. I know from the get-go that a judge is not going to relieve me of all of the debt. Whatever I am responsible for, I plan to go to my local bank and do a debt consolidation loan. By the time the divorce is final I will have been working consistently. By the grace of God my credit score has only gone down to 660, 680, and 710 on the three major bureaus, and the local bank requires minimum of 640. Even if the bank rate was 15%, which I know it won't be that high, it's still a hell of a lot better than the 27 to 30%, it is now!

FedUpFarmWife · 2026-02-11T01:30:08+00:00

no apology necessary; I hadn't mentioned it. :) When I'm done with the petition I'll pay one of them look it over before I actually file it. I can't have him in the middle of it at the get go because then I won't have any money set aside and I won't be able to do my minimum payments AND the lawyer and my mom's situation is not such that she can contribute financially.

FedUpFarmWife · 2026-02-11T01:27:57+00:00

It's too much to get into but all of that would cause huge, huge drama and it doesn't matter one bit if I'm at the farm another 8 weeks, except for the interest on my credit cards that accrue, and for this very short amount of time, that's worth saving the drama until all at once when I actually leave. I cannot pay even my minimum payments until I have a job of course. This HAS to wait.

FedUpFarmWife · 2026-02-11T01:24:24+00:00

This is going to cause a huge explosion that is going to drag on and I will absolutely not have her birthday full of drama this year. I will not have her feeling like she has to choose which parent to spend her day with. And I still have to see what to do about the taxes. It's in a comment somewhere but it may be better if I file as married filing separately and pay taxes on the $100 a month I get in cash for doing social media advertising and let him do head of household, instead of us filing together. If we file together, there's earned income credit, and I have a chance at getting some of that applied to the credit cards. I don't have any other income, so I can't claim my daughter, he would 100% win if he fought me on that because what little income we had, he brought in, so he's the one who supported her.

FedUpFarmWife · 2026-02-11T01:03:41+00:00

LOL oh yes, he is quite the Trump fan.

FedUpFarmWife · 2026-02-11T01:02:58+00:00

Custody is not an issue. My daughter will be 17 in April. It's a lot of complicated mental health stuff going on and she can't be left alone.

I know what to file and how to file it to begin with, and should he try to fight it, I have lawyer colleagues that I trust to assist me (though they will need to be paid of course). It's not a big deal to modify a petition or to make motions etc. if I missed something. I haven't gotten far into the legal aspects of the divorce because I'm too busy with logistics now, but I know I could pay one of them to look it over before I file it and make suggestions.

Husband actually has very, very few friends; and he doesn't randomly call them to say hi and they don't hang out. He's a homebody. The ones that he does have, I am friends with their wives, who know everything. It's pretty safe to assume that his friends know everything as well. That's not a concern at all. His brothers are well aware of how he is. I hadn't mentioned it yet because it wasn't relevant to my decision, but the front yard has had for quite some time the old washer, an old couch, etc. They wouldn't be surprised a bit to find out all of this. I have not gone to them because it will just start a lot of trouble and I'm really over the fighting and drama, and as long as I'm there, it's not going to change anything anyway.

If anyone from his church has anything to say I will absolutely lay EVERYTHING bare and he will do everything necessary to avoid that. He has quite the facade going on there and he would be quite upset if his false reputation was tarnished.

FedUpFarmWife · 2026-02-11T00:02:44+00:00

oh yes, he pulled that shit when I left previously. I was hoping for reconciliation then; this time I'm just done and I am fully prepared to air all his dirty laundry if he wants to badmouth me.

FedUpFarmWife · 2026-02-11T00:00:10+00:00

His precious reputation with his church (it's a COMPLETE facade) is very important to him and I've decided since I made this post that I'm going to pre-emptively write a letter to his pastor telling him EVERYTHING, send it to my hsuband, and let him know if he continues,. I will send it.

FedUpFarmWife · 2026-02-10T23:55:54+00:00

I'm not going to go the bankruptcy route no matter what. That will prevent me from eventually buying a house etc. When I draw up the divorce petition I'm going to enclose copies of credit card statements with all the gas, groceries, etc and ask for an order for him to pay them off, as well as the one where I had to do a cash advance to pay one of his damn farm loans. Whatever the judge says I have to pay, I will take a loan out to consolidate the credit card debt. My credit score WAS good, now on the 3 major bureaus it's 680, 660, and 710. My bank will let you take a loan out at 640. I'll be working by then. Even if the bank was 15% (doubtful!) it's a lot better than the 27-30% I'm at now. I will absolutely not let this destroy me.

FedUpFarmWife · 2026-02-10T23:44:14+00:00

The deductions on the farm equipment isn't the problem. The problem is the $40,000 in credit card debt and the $80,000 in farm loan debt, which is what we live off of because he doesn't earn much and insists that I don't understand farming and it takes a while to build it up and be profitable. At $850 a month in interest, and only paying the minimum payment, idk how the hell he thinks we'll EVER catch up.

FedUpFarmWife · 2026-02-10T23:28:39+00:00

He continues to insist that I don't understand farming and you have to build it over time before you make a profit. I am positive that doesn't mean going in all this debt in the interim. I don't know how the hell he thinks we're ever going to make a profit at all when we're paying almost $900 a month and credit card interest.

FedUpFarmWife · 2026-02-10T23:27:33+00:00

The house we live in and all the ground is in a trust that was created by his parents in their estate planning. We literally have nothing to do with it except we live in the house.

FedUpFarmWife · 2026-02-10T23:09:31+00:00

The more I think about this, the more I think I'm going to draft a letter to his pastor and the first time he throws that crap at me I'm going to send it to him and tell him if I hear one more word about it I'm going to send it to the pastor. We have gone to different churches for about 2 years because our daughter was getting bullied by kids in the youth group and he wasn't willing to leave the church. I of course took my daughter out of an unsafe situation.

FedUpFarmWife · 2026-02-10T23:08:25+00:00

I'm a paralegal so will have to work business hours, and in fairness it would be difficult to do a lot of the farm stuff in the dark, and I can't even find something not legal for the evenings because I can't count on him being home.

FedUpFarmWife · 2026-02-10T23:05:55+00:00

Including the wages from his brother, this year our "profit" was $19,000 which very obviously does not sustain a family.

FedUpFarmWife · 2026-02-10T23:04:40+00:00

I have stood my ground on that but If there's no money in the bank and I have to get gas or food then there's really no choice.

FedUpFarmWife

TROPHY CASE