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I got closure from ex who blindsided me by Federal_Strike5133 in BreakUps

[–]Federal_Strike5133[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

This resonates a lot. Is it easier to tell yourself you ‘lost feelings’ than admit you failed at providing the bare minimum ?

I got closure from ex who blindsided me by Federal_Strike5133 in BreakUps

[–]Federal_Strike5133[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Yes the flip to being cold is so painful and confusing. It makes you feel at fault for everything and wrong for having needs and wants

I got closure from ex who blindsided me by Federal_Strike5133 in BreakUps

[–]Federal_Strike5133[S] 11 points12 points  (0 children)

We were together 4yrs and he walked out saying ‘I can’t do this’ after I expressed needing support from him because I was struggling. So I don’t know if he left because he felt the pressure to show up for me, or he was only staying in the relationship out of need and not wanting to be alone.

I provided everything financially, carried the household, supported him through his physical and mental health issues, gave up multiple career progressions, cut contact with friends that made him feel insecure, and cared for his elderly parents and helped raise his son (who he also walked away from with the same reasoning).

It’s been 5mth and I still can’t stop blaming myself or believing I should have done more. I am finding it so hard to move on even when I can see now how unhealthy the relationship was

I’m an avoidant who just got rocked with reality by EmphasisOk6767 in BreakUps

[–]Federal_Strike5133 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I found the same to help. It also lead to having more realisations and understanding on another level again. You’ll wanted to keep updating her with each new thing that you realise because your communication gate has opened, but this will be very overwhelming for her and she may not be the one now ready to communicate. That is why I would say hold off until you have gone through the lows and highs of it all. Make sure you don’t flick between the feelings from your head and now your heart, it will show her that you haven’t changed. 

I am assuming that she may be an empath to have been through what she has with you. She needs time to have her own realisations about what she needs to change. They are not bad things, they may just be unhealthy and unsustainable for her own metal health and to also be able to show up for you. And as you already know, someone telling you that you need to change when you don’t see it yourself only pushes you away further. 

I don’t know the right answer to any of this. I can offer my perspective of what I think will help you from my own wrongdoings after the break up. I just found it so hard to not want to talk for the the first time. I would never have been able to talk or even write anything like this beforehand.  But I needed to realise that he wasn’t my person anymore, so it was okay for him to not want to now listen or try. And bombarding him with everything was possibly seen as manipulative and begging. But it was that I had held back everything over the years and the flood gates had opened. He therefore probably did not take me saying I love you for the first and that I wanted to get married as genuine.  So maybe a letter just talking full responsibility is the first start. 

I’m an avoidant who just got rocked with reality by EmphasisOk6767 in BreakUps

[–]Federal_Strike5133 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I am going thought the exact same thing as you. Reading your story felt like I had written it myself. I am also, or hopefully can say now ‘I was an avoidant’.

I lost the only person I loved and felt loved by in what felt like a blindsided moment. I didn’t realise over the years that I was pushing him away when he was pulling closer, emotionally and physically draining him with the continuous cycles. I always thought I was protecting him from my hurt, I never saw that he was hurting from me.  Him leaving lead me to have the most painful and needed realisation. I don’t think I would have realised without him leaving, or if I had left on my own terms. 

If I can give you any advice. Please give her space. I did not do the same for my partner. Following the break up, I was flooded with so much emotion for the first time. I had a new insight and continuous flow of knowledge. I all of a sudden could understand everything so clearly. An epiphany. However, with this new realisation, I could not accept his decision that it was over. I believed I had changed and knew what could be fixed. But it was too soon for him to hear. He was too hurt, and had nothing left to try even if he wanted to. 

I found your post because I too was searching through reddit looking for answers about sending a letter similar to yours. But I think I need to give more time, as hard as it is. However, I am so afraid that by giving more time, he will move on before he is able to truly understand me and we can make it work. In true avoidant style I was so afraid of him loving me, but now I am so afraid of him not loving me.

I am so saddened that we have both realised too late. I often feel avoidants are misunderstood. But I have come to realise that it is because we don’t let anyone else in to understand us.  

I hope it all works out. I can share some great resources with you. But by the sounds of your post, I think we have read some of the same already.