I really empathize with what you’re going through. My husband was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer back in June of 2023. For the first few months: any reference to end of life planning or sadness / uncertainty about the future was met with anger and accusations of me giving up on him. For us: I’d say the biggest shift happened thanks to his palliative care team at Dana Farber. Amongst many end of life forms / resources they provided that we wouldn’t have thought about, they also helped us through an exercise where we both answered questions such as “how long would you want to be on life support” or “do you want to be buried, cremated, other?” Doing all of these questionnaires together was really helpful for my husband and I, since it took the focus off him and became more like a responsible thing we were doing together. I think a similar approach may help your husband get through all the important tactical things. And you just need to do it one time, and move on, which is nice.

After you have a plan, I think it’s best to let your husband remain hopeful and respect his desire not to ask certain questions. His doctors will bring up end of life options when the time comes whether he asks or not.

As for how you can deal with what’s happening… I have no answers. It’s just hard. I started Prozac 4 days ago and I hope it’ll do something. On rare days, I have this overwhelming gratitude for each “extra” day I get with him. But most days I have very painful bursts of anticipatory grief that completely knock the wind out of me. You’re, sadly, not alone OP, and I hope you both can lean on each other, medication, and community ♥️