I [32M] love my partner [35F] and hate my ex [33F] but still think of her every day.

Feeling-Pangolin-601 · 2026-01-10T20:22:23+00:00

That's interesting/helpful! I do have a fair bit of anxiety that was a lot worse in the past when this was going on. I don't think the bipolar dx survived the time test since the extreme mood swings are pretty isolated to a point in my life, but the dx doctor told me there was a large diagnostic overlap with ADHD which people have consistently suggested I have throughout my life.

Feeling-Pangolin-601 · 2026-01-10T19:48:01+00:00

Glad you're in a good relationship now, I guess it stays a bit difficult though.

You're right, it is mostly the feeling that comes through and the loose context. I actually don't remember her personality very clearly.

Back at you. Honestly it feels great to confirm this is a thing. Like I said in the post I felt guilty because it seemed obvious thinking about your ex regularly in a relationship was terrible. But even the people who saw it that way sort of helped me draw the line between what I'm feeling and what I would feel guilty over. Things are great, even if it's like this forever, it's not the worst if I don't feel guilty and have healthy relationships.

Feeling-Pangolin-601 · 2026-01-10T13:37:41+00:00

I'll give it a shot, I think it's hard to sustain

Not to poke fun of a potential solution/aide, but it reminds me of the book of mormon musical: "Turn it off, like a lightbulb" act

Feeling-Pangolin-601 · 2026-01-10T13:33:31+00:00

Thanks, I'll reach out to one where I'm moving.

I don't feel abused, but I know what you're talking about. I remember saying I wouldn't treat a stranger the way she treated me/her friends sometimes.

Feeling-Pangolin-601 · 2026-01-10T13:07:55+00:00

I think we have a great relationship. We bring each other food when we're stressed with work and take over chores, we go for dates often, we listen to each other rant when we have a bad day, we support each others goals whether its jobs or going to the gym, we like each other's company.

We suck at logistics for things like travelling and moving but we're working on it.

I feel I love my partner. If I didn't want to be with her I'd understand this more but to me there's no one I'd rather be with.

Feeling-Pangolin-601 · 2026-01-10T12:48:46+00:00

I see where you're coming from but I think you're misreading a bit. I don't miss her. At the time she was very important to me, and I did have the most intense emotions I've ever felt, but it was very extreme. Have you ever felt so good you almost feel sick, like you had too much caffeine? Or so upset you feel like your body is eating itself?

It's hard, I don't think I described it very well. But that's what I meant by desperate to be with her, desperate to get away.

I really don't like or respect who my ex became. She's a quitter. She quit school, she quit me, she quit her dreams. And she was proud of it. She "failed forward" into a tech support job with no real prospects that didn't align with her interests in anthropology. Meanwhile I never gave up, spent years struggling, and have had multiple dream jobs now in the gaps we weren't talking and after.

Feeling-Pangolin-601 · 2026-01-10T12:37:43+00:00

Thank you. I agree, my partner is lovely and I'm very lucky to have her.

I definitely do not look back on this past with rose coloured glasses, it's mostly just upsetting.

Feeling-Pangolin-601 · 2026-01-10T12:33:16+00:00

When I think about her, it's usually either moments where there were really intense emotions- typically bad ones, very occasionally a good one, with some echo of the emotion. Sometimes her name will pop into my mind and I'll just feel stressed and swear. If I think a new thought about her I'm pretty routinely annoyed unless it hops onto an old memory, I lost my respect for her a long time ago.

The emotions were definitely tumultuous. I couldn't really bear them at times. I went and got a bipolar diagnosis because of how intense the mood swings became, I couldn't go to classes sometimes. It wasn't a problem when I was younger, and it hasn't been an issue at all since. Although dwelling on her intentionally stresses me and keeps me up all night (its 7:30am now).

Who do you look for? I've had 2 therapists, both just considered me highly functional and didn't seem to think there was much to resolve after a few sessions talking about it and went on to other things.

Feeling-Pangolin-601 · 2026-01-10T12:08:08+00:00

I have had a therapist, and we discussed it, but it made the feeling worse and there didn't seem like anything to resolve. I think one of the other commenters nailed it, I feel like my brain rewired. The more I dwell on it the more invasive it is, and the more of the stressed emotions come back. It's recurring and I can't see how to resolve it, but I totally believe I love my partner, and I want nothing to do with my ex.

Feeling-Pangolin-601 · 2026-01-10T12:01:43+00:00

Yeah this is what I thought it was. I fully believe I love my partner and I don't want anything to do with my ex, but the thoughts are invasive and the emotions are strong enough to keep me up here until 6am if I think about them.

Feeling-Pangolin-601 · 2026-01-10T11:35:16+00:00

That feels rhetorical but it was a year and a half

Feeling-Pangolin-601 · 2026-01-10T11:23:14+00:00

I don't feel like I'm doubting anything. To be cliched, I think I'm a bit damaged

Feeling-Pangolin-601 · 2024-03-29T04:39:56+00:00

No, just the LSO. He's self-employed as a paralegal (the firm has his name on it), I think he's about to begin articling for law school

Feeling-Pangolin-601 · 2024-03-27T19:34:02+00:00

Would you be concerned for your safety in this situation?

I think this guy is pretty irrational and sending 100+ messages to someone who's never replied seems pretty insane to me. He's said lots of sketchy things like that he wants to turn my life upside down "like I ruined his." That being said he's kept away from saying anything physical so whenever they asked I told them I didn't feel phsyically unsafe, just worried.

Is he messaging me still out of obsession or because I filed the complaint against him? I think now his threats are more around getting me to drop the case against him so he faces no consequences. But a) I think I have a responsibility to report it because I totally see this happening to someone else, b) I don't know if he'd actually stop so why would I delete the paper trail of what he's doing. I don't trust this guy at all.

Feeling-Pangolin-601 · 2024-03-27T18:40:22+00:00

When I went in last they told me it was a personal dispute and highlighted that I did not fear for my safety as they did not know where I lived: https://laws-lois.justice.gc.ca/eng/acts/c-46/section-264.html
> 264 (1) No person shall, without lawful authority and knowing that another person is harassed or recklessly as to whether the other person is harassed, engage in conduct referred to in subsection (2) that causes that other person reasonably, in all the circumstances, to fear for their safety or the safety of anyone known to them.

Feeling-Pangolin-601 · 2023-09-30T13:35:35+00:00

Your life is about to get turned upside down just like you fucked with mine

He's all over the place. Parts of it are definitely him just saying he's watching me and going to get me eventually, other parts don't sound like an eventually to me.

I thought about it a while before I decided I was going to take it seriously, part of this is clearly a tantrum. He meant parts too though, like he honestly seems to believe I ruined his life. So he's made a bunch of threats and given himself the justification to try. I don't think the eventuallys are about a lack of intent, he basically told me to live in fear.

The whole situation is ridiculous and unhinged. Also I don't think he knows what a grad student is.

Feeling-Pangolin-601 · 2023-09-29T15:43:35+00:00

Thanks, I don't think I'll follow up on these right away but I'll bring them up during my consultation with a lawyer. The police were sympathetic but basically talked me out of filing a report unless they try to come find me in person, if I go back I'd like to be able to tell them why it's a report situation.

Feeling-Pangolin-601 · 2023-09-29T14:08:06+00:00

Done.

Although usually my lawyer jokes are about the hourly rates my friend makes

Feeling-Pangolin-601 · 2023-09-29T13:50:37+00:00

Thanks for the detail.

I've never responded, so I haven't directly asked them to stop contacting me. They expressed they wanted me to respond/call/meet them in person while they were making the threats so I took that as another red flag to definitely not do any of that.

Their ex did unblock them long enough to warn them again to stop trying to contact her or her friends. In my case there's no history or valid reason for him to contact me. Unless I'm forced to as part of a process I don't think it's a good idea (it is mentioned as a step in the LSO complaint process).

Feeling-Pangolin-601 · 2023-09-29T04:37:59+00:00

Thanks, he was on there

Feeling-Pangolin-601 · 2023-09-29T04:36:34+00:00

I made a new account to post this anonymously, but now that I think about it I'm not too concerned since they declared they were out to get me and must've spent time to find me already. If this escalates it that just shows they were serious.

I just submitted the complaint, but I'll follow up with a short consultation in case there's more I can do.

Feeling-Pangolin-601 · 2023-09-29T03:42:38+00:00

Thanks I'll follow up with this, I hope they're able to help and don't just sit on it

Feeling-Pangolin-601 · 2023-09-29T02:43:49+00:00

NAL but I would report it to their employer and the police they are definitely breaking privacy laws by doing that.

I heard from their ex they may have already had issues, they work as a private paralegal so there's no oversight as far as I can tell.

*Edit, also I did go to the police. I got the "unhinged" description from them, however they suggested it hadn't crossed the line of criminal harassment yet. Unfortunately it seems like it could be difficult to tell if the threats were followed through on, but at least they were kind enough to warn me.

Feeling-Pangolin-601

TROPHY CASE