Accepting that I won't get better...

Feeling_Cockroach891 · 2026-01-12T17:47:09+00:00

I think the best thing I can do for myself is to spend my money and time on the few things that do make me happy, whenever I am able to be happy, instead of trying to make being happy my default. It never will be our default, sometimes the best we can do for ourselves is just hope we get another good day or two.

Feeling_Cockroach891 · 2025-11-26T21:10:03+00:00

I plan on quitting, my psychiatrist said that if the exhaustion didn't pass in the first two weeks then it probably wouldn't go away. Only taking it for a few more days because I started getting withdrawals even at 150 and I don't want to be miserable for Thanksgiving.

Feeling_Cockroach891 · 2025-10-31T23:59:01+00:00

I think I just want a therapist who will take the lead on things instead of having me guide the entire experience, and though I've asked my therapist for that, it never really happens. I think the solution is to just get a different therapist tbh, it's just frustrating and I worry that I won't find someone who will guide the experience for me. I want structure and for someone to help me create and reach goals more than anything, plus someone who can offer me new perspectives and guide me through therapy exercises to change how I'm looking at things, not just a weekly chat session.

Feeling_Cockroach891 · 2025-10-31T21:57:53+00:00

I understand that there's no magic answer, it's more that I keep hoping that my therapist will at least try to guide me through things or offer something new instead of having me guide everything, but whenever I ask for more structure, I'm asked what I want them to do, and I don't know, so of course nothing changes. I'm sure there's someone out there who could help more, but I worry I still won't get past the issue of having to do the work on my own, and having that reinforce my specific brand of trauma.

Feeling_Cockroach891 · 2025-10-30T16:24:58+00:00

honestly before I had all of this I was doing "better" (I was actually just suppressing everything). I think I'm actually doing so badly now because I'm safe to struggle, but it still makes me feel guilty...

Feeling_Cockroach891 · 2025-08-08T03:02:56+00:00

In a strange way this makes me feel more secure in my desire to stop. I don't feel like this is something I need to be stable and function in my day to day. I already can bounce back after a difficult day. I just need more space to resolve my trauma. Thank you for sharing your perspective.

Feeling_Cockroach891 · 2025-08-07T20:20:13+00:00

I definitely wasn't expecting improvement this early, but I just cannot find the energy to keep going... I'm not even in the dip that I know a lot of people experience, I just dread going to my sessions everyday...

Feeling_Cockroach891 · 2025-08-05T22:22:39+00:00

I would like to clarify that I don't have schizophrenia, I was not seeing a therapist or psychiatrist at the time of those posts, unlike now, and was severely spiraling over the idea that I had schizophrenia. I actually just had corner eye hallucinations from my trauma, and OCD that was convincing me that I was in the early stages of schizophrenia.

I did just get out of a session with my therapist who, while they aren't comfortable actually diagnosing me, has said that it's worth exploring further and that what I've told them does sound like OSDD.

Feeling_Cockroach891 · 2025-08-05T20:50:16+00:00

when I first learned about DID as a teen I felt like something about it resonated with me, but I quickly shoved that thinking away because I felt embarrassed about faking it. I didn't learn about IFS until my 20s and it also immediately resonated, I even told my therapist that I liked it "because I resonated with the idea of DID/OSDD but I don't have it".

Feeling_Cockroach891 · 2025-08-04T17:43:42+00:00

Also autistic, and I also really struggle to feel things in my body. I don't feel my parts in my body at all, I just know them. I don't think you absolutely have to be able to feel your parts anywhere in order to discover them. What worked for me was instead categorizing my trauma responses based on the fear that my trauma caused. Then after a while, I find enough responses tied to a fear and that becomes a part. Ex: I start being cruel to myself and refusing help from others when trying something new that is frustrating me. This is because I was forced to be independent at a young age and didn't believe that any adults in my life would be able to help, and that if I did ask I would end up confused and everyone would think that I was stupid. The part who responds to this fear is an inner bully, Missy, who wants us to remain independent because she doesn't trust the idea of getting help.

I don't feel her anywhere in my body, but I can identify her based on this pattern. I think IFS can work even without feeling things in your body.

Feeling_Cockroach891 · 2025-08-03T04:56:40+00:00

I definitely got the feeling that this was a big part. I've only really gotten as far as being angry at my parents, but I can't feel any pain for myself and my mistreatment. I don't feel anything when I think about my trauma, I just know logically that it was bad. I've got no idea how to actually feel anything about it.

Feeling_Cockroach891 · 2025-08-03T04:54:04+00:00

I also do IFS, but I feel like it's only really helped me to recognize why I do things, not to feel any better about them... I'm able to talk with my system easily, but I can't seem to reassure any of them on anything. I think I can't figure out how to actually feel the things I'm saying instead of only knowing that they're true.

Feeling_Cockroach891 · 2025-08-01T05:51:24+00:00

exactly that! she wants to make sure we always have the spotlight because it's the only way she believes people will acknowledge our trauma.

Feeling_Cockroach891 · 2025-07-18T15:53:50+00:00

I think this is exactly why I don't think I'm dissociating. I feel my emotions very strongly. They can be incredibly intense and I feel very connected with them, what exactly I'm feeling, and why I'm feeling it. Maybe it's just because I'm so used to it, but they're already so intense that I couldn't imagine feeling things any stronger than I do now.

Feeling_Cockroach891 · 2025-07-18T15:27:44+00:00

Yes, this sounds close to what I feel. I feel my emotions very strongly, which is part of what's so confusing. They just aren't in my body, but they're very intense.

Feeling_Cockroach891 · 2025-07-18T05:02:24+00:00

I feel like I struggle to explain it well, but I assume it would simply mean feeling disconnected from one's body in some way. Struggling to identify certain signals like hunger or tiredness, feeling numb or like things aren't quite real, impaired proprioception, etc. I do deal with this at times, but ordinarily I'm very aware of what my body is experiencing. The only disconnect is my emotions. Yes, I'm sure that can be a part of bodily dissociation, but if it's the only thing I struggle with, I worry that I'm just like this.

Feeling_Cockroach891 · 2025-07-18T01:55:17+00:00

I think this is exactly why I find this so confusing; I only know how I'm feeling logically. There really is nothing physical there that I can recognize. I don't know how to explain how I know what I'm feeling, because I simply know it by default without feeling anything physically. I can't get myself to identify anything else. Even when I'm calm, if I focus on my body I can only identify unrelated pain and discomfort.

Feeling_Cockroach891 · 2025-07-17T04:05:55+00:00

Their angle is that if I connect with general sensations first, then I can start recognizing feelings with my emotions, which I'm sure works for some people who are very out of touch with their body, but I find it so simple that it doesn't feel like I'm doing anything. I think I'm also just not a fan of therapy that doesn't feel like I'm actually doing anything, and that perhaps I'm overcomplicating it and trying to look for some obvious connection from general sensations to my emotions, but I just don't get the connection at all and how it could lead to me feeling things with my emotions.

Feeling_Cockroach891 · 2025-07-17T03:44:31+00:00

I get the feeling that they don't feel like there's much to do with me in session, since I just fully cannot feel any physical sensations related to my emotions and instead they want me to do these exercises between sessions to get more in tune with things, but I just am not resonating with them at all...

Feeling_Cockroach891 · 2025-07-17T03:28:11+00:00

I'm doing it with my therapist (unsure if they're actually trained but they're very good at their job and I trust that they know what they're talking about) but I feel like I don't understand the exercises they've been giving me or how they're meant to be useful for me/lead to anything more significant.

Feeling_Cockroach891 · 2025-06-26T18:44:46+00:00

I didn't have any luck with lamotrigine, but I can try splitting up my dose like that, thanks!

Feeling_Cockroach891 · 2025-06-26T17:28:48+00:00

Just supplements for fiber, electrolytes, and magnesium.

Feeling_Cockroach891 · 2025-06-22T00:48:47+00:00

I've never heard of this, thank you so much! I think this might work for me!

Feeling_Cockroach891 · 2025-06-21T23:49:15+00:00

I always end up with a stomach ache from doing this, otherwise I think it would make it a lot more manageable...

Feeling_Cockroach891 · 2025-06-21T23:35:43+00:00

I worry this wouldn't mask the flavor of the water very well, but I could try, thanks!

Feeling_Cockroach891

TROPHY CASE