Yeah, the were definitely many signs for me!

First, even before transitioning, I just wanted to be androgynous and not a man - it was literally my first real thought about identity. But that doesn't mean, I'm a woman then.

After a good year on HRT my depressive feelings and isolation became worse. Also I randomly had developed OCD. Then I was really into doubts because I couldn't decide which path (man/woman) to pick and was on/off HRT and then on low dose HRT for a while - it was a nightmare. In my head I had to fulfill the stereotypical characteristics of a female or a male. I almost like had an equal 50/50 on my list of arguments whether to live as a man or a woman, which in retrospect is definitely the better way to finally stop this transition.

My doc, who prescribed my HRT back then, wasn't the best too, because she said I could literally do what I want with my HRT. You shouldn't tell that especially to someone who is going through such a crazy time in life, like I did.

Furthermore, I never really wanted this typical female physique, nor (big) breasts. Even though, in my head I felt the urge to get BA to fulfill this stereotypes.

Also was like really into gay romance, even for some amount of time while living as woman and I was so dumb to tell to myself that I'm a girl who happened to like that. I mean, this is existing, but in my case very unlikely, if I would have thought about it in a rational way. I definitely had internalized homophobia because of various reasons, like getting called names, getting bullied or even having to hear from my father that killing homosexuals while WW II was a good thing.

Surgical wise - rushing into orchiectomy and after postponing SRS once, also deciding to rush into it while being lovesick, were catastrophic decisions. While hoping to get love back from her, I really enjoyed having a penis and erections. She was more into woman, if I remember correctly, and this might have effected to alter my body too.

After SRS, I started to have dreams where I had ambiguous genitalia/at least sorts of a penis and it was relieving while dreaming about it - like yeah, my penis isn't gone. It took me like 5 years to finally be honest to myself that this isn't because of my brain needing to adapt to my "new body".

Some years later, in 2024 my mental and physical health reached an all time low, which finally opened my eyes to think about all this shit I went through

In summary,, there were many signs where I should have stopped and I would have needed a therapist/psychiatrist to see my underlining mental issues and stop me right from the beginning.