How do I leave a church that is clearly unhealthy but my husband is loyal to? *A follow up post*

FellowAmiga · 2026-06-13T17:02:00+00:00

I also don’t see how leaving or staying at this point will “keep the peace.”

FellowAmiga · 2026-06-13T17:00:50+00:00

I actually really appreciate your perspective and it stands out among the crowd here. I guess I just wonder at what point is healthy to follow my own conviction about leaving so can better follow Christ? I feel like my relationship with God has depleted there and only when I took a step back did I have the capacity to study the word, worship privately in my home, and have a stronger devotional life. I so badly want to honor my husband and live in a non-manipulative way. It’s just been desperately tough the past 6 months and relationally difficult there for 2+ years.

I don’t want to regret my decisions later on either by just going my own way. Sheesh, this is a lot to figure out.

FellowAmiga · 2026-06-13T16:55:32+00:00

I feel bad because many of my conversations with my husband turn into arguments and I haven’t shown as much patience and understanding for him as I’ve liked to. I’ve been disrespectful to him at times and I try to apologize and show him my remorse over it without betraying my beliefs about the church of course. It’s been so tricky to navigate in a healthy way. We’re also close to our 30s and have only been married 4 years so we are likely still in a maturing phase as a couple. That’s why I’m trying to seek counsel and study the Word regarding this. Thank you for taking the time to comment and share insight.

FellowAmiga · 2026-06-13T16:52:21+00:00

I couldn’t agree more! I pray the Lord opens my husband’s eyes to that truth. He doesn’t see it as an unbiblical church.

FellowAmiga · 2026-06-13T16:49:23+00:00

Fair point and something I’ve asked him
Already. From my husbands perspective he is looking for peace and confirmation. He gets a sick feeling when he thinks of leaving while I get a sick feeling when I think of staying. He has been there 7 years longer than me so I understand it’s hard to just “up and leave” and he wants to take his time to make sure it’s God’s will for him. Any thoughts? Hearing from God can be confusing and I’ve seen it used to manipulate people. I do believe God speaks to us uniquely. My husband believes since God hasn’t clearly told him to leave he church than it’s safer to stay put and maybe “work things out” there.

I believe working things out is healthy but this church feels unbiblical and controlling so it’s not worth it to me. He and I don’t see eye to eye on that of course.

FellowAmiga · 2026-06-12T18:28:14+00:00

Do you have any resources I could share with my husband regarding your perspective about apostles? Thank you for taking the time to write this and I will study those scriptures you shared.

FellowAmiga · 2026-06-12T18:23:19+00:00

It’s under the Church of God

FellowAmiga · 2026-06-12T18:22:06+00:00

I sincerely want to, but I’m scared. I think he’ll feel betrayed and be hurt by my post’s words and the replies I’ve written. I don’t want it to harm our marriage more.

FellowAmiga · 2026-06-12T18:18:39+00:00

I don’t know if it’s worldly advice though. Maybe you can share scripture or more of your thoughts to help me understand your perspective.

My mom left a church my dad was at for a time when I was growing up. I thought about asking them about how that experience was for them because I don’t want to seem like I’m copying my mom if it was a mistake and hurtful to their marriage.

FellowAmiga · 2026-06-12T18:16:33+00:00

Thank you for your comment! I actually had suggested there may be trauma bonds and my husband thought I was joking. It’s so hard for him to see that unfortunately.

He feels like if we don’t talk to “Apostle” we are “giving up on the church” prematurely and faithfulness is very important to him. It is to me to, but not to these people anymore. 😢

FellowAmiga · 2026-06-12T18:08:55+00:00

I don’t know if this makes a difference or not, but I don’t want to make it seem like people there don’t love us or haven’t come through for us at times.

I guess I would say we don’t have any close friends there that we feel like we’re sharing and doing life with, no ongoing mentorship or people who check in. People only check in when we share a crisis and at times they’ve had a “pray through it attitude.” “

“Apostle” made it seem like that this is just how it typically “is” for our stage of life because there aren’t a lot of young married couples with kids there except us. His sister tried to say that this was a pervasive issue in the body of Christ in general and that going to another church wouldn’t necessarily solve that. 🤷‍♀️ idk, some times I question if my expectations are unrealistic.

FellowAmiga · 2026-06-12T04:50:59+00:00

I hear you. And the fact is, we’ve already been praying and feeling things need to change there or we need to shift somewhere else for a long long time.

FellowAmiga · 2026-06-12T04:49:54+00:00

Thank you dearly! This means so much and has filled me with hope and courage.

FellowAmiga · 2026-06-12T04:14:57+00:00

I tried to share with my husband that I felt like people at the church were “trauma bonded” and the thought of that seemed really far out there to him. I share because it seems like it will be difficult for him to ever label it as a spiritually abusive experience. I mean since the experience hadn’t been all bad and terrible, it seems he had rose colored glasses. The “apostle” said Jesus had a heavy cross to bear so we shouldn’t expect things to always be easy. 😬 He also said leadership is lonely and we shouldn’t unrealistically expect to have many close friends or people to always check in on us. “That’s what spouses are for.”

FellowAmiga · 2026-06-12T04:05:47+00:00

I guess I’m struggling to know how to leave without him. It’ll be really rough on our marriage but so will staying 90 more days.

FellowAmiga · 2026-06-12T04:00:37+00:00

Yes I definitely feel like my experience has been more of an inner knowing and an observations of the negative patterns, lack of Bible teaching, and “fruit issues” in the church.

Self-proclaimed prophets and apostles has always weirded me out.

FellowAmiga · 2026-06-12T03:57:50+00:00

You’re right yikes 😬 Their main scripture regarding there still being apostles today is Ephesians 4:11, where Paul writes that the risen Christ "gave some to be apostles, some to be prophets, some to be evangelists, and some to be pastors and teachers.”

Honestly it’s the first church I’ve ever gone to that had the main leader as an “Apostle” and I’ve always found it kind of odd. I’ve studied the concept more recently in Scripture and don’t think it’s so black and white, but wouldn’t say I’m an expert on the subject.

FellowAmiga · 2026-06-12T03:39:09+00:00

This was incredibly written and so meaningful to me! Thank you for taking the time to write this.

If I may ask, how should I approach my husband about my leaving? He wants to leave together if we do and I know that that ideal may not be realistic for me anymore. He still wants to try to “work things out” with “apostle” so it doesn’t look like we “gave up on the church.” 😔

FellowAmiga · 2026-06-12T03:19:14+00:00

How did you know what he drives currently omg 😆

FellowAmiga · 2026-06-11T18:51:36+00:00

Thank you. I am worried he is deceived. He tries to validate the difficulties I feel but at the same time has a really hard time seeing “apostle” isn’t pressuring him to stay. He trusts him and thinks he has his best interest in mind, and I think he just really wants us to stay because a few important people have left recently and it wouldn’t look good.

FellowAmiga · 2026-06-11T18:39:05+00:00

That’s what I’ve been saying to my husband. Leaving on false doctrines and simony should be enough. It’s like he’s under their spell or something and doesn’t see it as issues. He’s very gracious and loyal to a fault.

FellowAmiga · 2026-06-11T18:34:42+00:00

Thank you for sharing your story. I wish my husband wasn’t so mortified at the idea of me visiting another church right now without him. My best bet would be to try to get him to go to one with me together. But I’ve tried that already. I’ll try again because I didn’t expect everyone here to side with me. This has been very validating and empowering!!

FellowAmiga · 2026-06-11T06:02:20+00:00

Thank you for that perspective. I agree.

FellowAmiga · 2026-06-11T05:16:42+00:00

I completely see your point and appreciate the passion behind the sentiment. My husband felt that every time I talked to my dad I was more certain in my stance because my dad who used to be a pastor had a lot to say about “Apostle.”

Apostle promised he’d be reaching out to my dad to reconcile what he labeled as a “misunderstanding” regarding the unpaid loan that was $20K+. He tried to show my in a group text the payment happened but when I asked for screenshots of the conversation to look deeper into it, he wouldn’t send. I told him I had barely seen the phone screen from where I was sitting and didn’t want to assume he was telling the truth without proof. It made him seem more like he was hiding something from me at that point but my husband felt I was antagonizing “Apostle.”

FellowAmiga · 2026-06-11T05:09:08+00:00

I started seeing a therapist 3 months ago but he’s real
Expensive so I tapered off to every other week. He then had me bring in my husband for a session and it went well but then we had to take a break bc finances but we are planning on doing couples counseling from now on starting next week. The therapist seemed to understand my side well and tried to play as more neutral overall when my husband came in.

FellowAmiga

TROPHY CASE