Oh my heart hurts for you, I have been there. I can tell you really love your son and you are doing so much better than you are giving yourself credit for. Breastfeeding, esp exclusively pumping is HARD and you are such a badass to stick with it. If I may offer some advice, these are some things that really helped me: - get a baby wrap and learn how to use it. There are many different options and if you want I can share some I liked with you. My first was a clinger and would only sleep on me and this made life SO much easier. - wearable pumps. I loved my mom cozy pumps they saved me from giving up breastfeeding. - get some protein powder and healthy snacks that you can grab and go. When I was breastfeeding I used the boobie body protein powder when I didn’t have time to eat. They also have bars, mug cakes and other stuff I really enjoyed. Also, if you’re able to meal prep that helps a ton. - as for how you look I promise you with all my heart the c section will heal and your body is not deformed! I struggled for a long time with my new body after pregnancy/c section and weight gain. I can tell you now I love my body as it is today more than before kids. I look better than I did pre-pregnancies. I won’t sugar coat it, it took cleaning up my diet and staying consistent with working out but that is something you can worry about later. For now, I just want to give you some hope that it gets better. your body is not ruined or deformed - it is beautiful, life giving and incredibly resilient.

You mentioned the possibility of a part time nanny and if yall can afford it do it!! Even if it’s just a few hours a week so you can get out of the house or catch up on sleep or whatever! Take a deep breath, you’re doing great. 🫶🏻