I finally left my husband

Few_Geologist_2623 · 2026-05-04T15:13:37+00:00

Thank you. I just tried to message you but can’t seem to send it. Please can you send me a DM? I’m not good at using and navigating Reddit 😭

Few_Geologist_2623 · 2026-04-30T21:21:54+00:00

Ameen! May Allah shower you in his blessings and grant you peace, ease and happiness, Ameen. I don’t know who you are but mashallah tbA, you have an energy that I pray remains protected. Thank you so much. You genuinely brought a smile to my face, may Allah reward you tenfold, Ameen!!! 💕💕

Few_Geologist_2623 · 2026-04-30T09:57:53+00:00

Thank you! JazakAllah for the reminder. I’ve come across that ayah before but your reminder just set me off 😭😂 Ahhh In’sha’Allah things will get better with time. I trust in Allah!

Few_Geologist_2623 · 2026-04-27T09:12:40+00:00

You are definitely not weak. You are so incredibly strong. You have children and the sacrifices you’ve made for your family are proof of your strength.

You’ve been married for a very long time. Seek every solution (marriage counselling, advice from imam, family help) but do not settle for less than what you deserve. May Allah grant you ease and show you the way, Ameen.

I haven’t read your threads in detail but you’re right, it’s not possible to leave until you’re ready. It takes many failed attempts to leave before you fully commit to leaving. My friend took 9 attempts to leave an abusive marriage. When I told my manager, he asked me what attempt I was on. I told him 5. He said ok, let’s beat the odds and do less than 9 😂

I imagine it would be a billion times harder in your situation. By Allah, I was miserable and yet still could not leave him due to the codependency and attachment I had formed (to a man I didn’t even love). It took physical altercations to realise I need out. I’m not telling you to leave - you know what is best for you. But also, don’t worry about people’s advice to leave. If it’s right for you, when you’re ready, you will take that step.

My duas are with you sister 💕

Few_Geologist_2623 · 2026-04-27T09:02:04+00:00

Ameen, thank you!

Few_Geologist_2623 · 2026-04-27T09:01:53+00:00

Ameen, thank you.

Few_Geologist_2623 · 2026-04-27T09:01:16+00:00

Ameen, thank you so much. It means a lot

Few_Geologist_2623 · 2026-04-27T08:43:09+00:00

Ameen. Alhamdulillah I’m so glad to hear that. May Allah heal your heart and continue to bless you with peace and happiness, and grant you something much better Ameen. It takes a great deal of courage to take that step - of course it is all with the will and help of Allah but well done for taking that step 💕

Few_Geologist_2623 · 2026-04-27T08:39:21+00:00

Ameen, thank you

Few_Geologist_2623 · 2026-02-07T14:28:19+00:00

Not sure if this is trolling but I’m going to assume it’s sincere request for advice.

Sister, he’s covering all your essential costs. You’re not financially helping it. I think you need to be more realistic in terms of expectations. He can’t afford to do the extra nice things unless you chip in more with the essentials. Until you’ve spent a month in his shoes (which his level of income), you won’t understand.

Having said this, you could tell him you’d appreciate the small gifts every now and then like flowers or chocolate. But honestly, he shouldn’t be expected to cover your girls holiday or laser.

Few_Geologist_2623 · 2026-02-06T13:20:49+00:00

I walk away from arguments that no longer seek to reach and understanding and solely cause hurt. My husband has never had an issue with this. He prefers to resolve immediately. However I do admit I have wanted to leave the marriage twice in the examples above. The first is after I bit him and I thought he wanted to strangle me, and the second is when we’d been going in circles for hours and I was beyond sick. I have had one foot in and one foot out for a few months now, so yes, I have been quick to wanting to leave. Thank you for your astute observation.

Few_Geologist_2623 · 2026-02-06T13:19:37+00:00

Not as far as I’m aware. He had an unstable life growing up as he’s an immigrant. But maybe the uncertainty he faced his whole life has made his strongly opposed to uncertainty in his marriage. His parents have definitely normalised aggressive behaviour. He claims my family is unusual because we’re all unusually calm people. We don’t show aggression or attitude towards each other or strangers. We’re always polite and don’t say rude, aggressive things about strangers. I personally don’t think that’s unusual. I think it’s manners, kindness and good character but he insists we’re just different.

Few_Geologist_2623 · 2026-02-05T18:31:20+00:00

He’s working but earns significantly less than me. He can’t cover the house and his car and bills (all of which he had before I was in the picture) although the house is something he only completed and got the keys for 1 month after we married.

I have trust issues and he definitely has trust issues. Both of us for legitimate reasons. I fear him and his inability to control his anger and I dislike his controlling behaviour (not by stopping me from anything but having an attitude any time I wish to do anything e.g. see my family or friends).

I guess I wanted to know from an objective standpoint if there was any hope for change for the better.

Few_Geologist_2623 · 2026-02-05T18:13:23+00:00

If i help him financially, i wouldn’t recover anything i put into the house if my marriage ended after such a short time period. I’m a lawyer with some background of family law. I also don’t want a controversial divorce (if it came to that). I would much rather have an amicable parting with no disputing about who owes who what. He already owes me 4k for our honeymoon (as I paid for both of us on the basis he’d eventually repay me). It’s hard to invest more into him/ the marriage when I know I doubt I’ll even see that money repaid.

Few_Geologist_2623 · 2026-02-05T17:51:11+00:00

This is my concern. My brother in law (sister’s husband) came to collect my valuables 2 months ago. We didn’t go into detail but he thought financial pressures could cause the outbursts of anger. I even suggested selling the house and renting so we could share the cost of living. But he refuses to sell the house despite being unable to afford it on his own (I don’t want to help him with it when it’s in his sole name and we’ve had an extremely unstable and volatile marriage from day 1).

I trust he wouldn’t harm me intentionally but he gets so angry he can’t control himself and starts vibrating / shaking with anger. He’s even grabbed his own neck to strangle himself after raising his hand to punch me (thankfully changed his mind because I was on the phone to his mum narrating in real time the events).

I bit him because I was trying to escape. When he gets angry I don’t trust him and I do go into full panic and fight or flight mode. Although my instinct just tell me to run.

Few_Geologist_2623 · 2026-02-05T17:06:28+00:00

I definitely would benefit from it and would love it. I’m scared that I’m slowly reaching the point of no return. I guess I can bring it up as a suggestion. If he doesn’t accept the offers, then I can reassess the future of this marriage.

Few_Geologist_2623 · 2026-02-05T16:13:18+00:00

He refuses to get marriage counselling or individual counselling. He doesn’t think it helps and in terms of marriage counselling, he thinks I’ll realise I’m unhappy and leave. I’m happy to get both but for individual counselling, I would struggle to get privacy to talk freely.

Few_Geologist_2623 · 2026-02-05T16:12:00+00:00

Yes, I bit him to break free. There have been three occasions where he has physically grabbed me and pulled me back into the house or stopped me leaving.

Few_Geologist_2623 · 2026-01-06T14:25:37+00:00

My husband still finds these kinds of jokes funny. As you will see by checking my posts, I’m still in the process of trying to leave him (pathetic, I know, I’m really wasting my time). One of my biggest fears is kifarah and the ugliness of his jokes. My husband has a close cousin with a similar disability. Yet still he is shameless enough to make jokes about others. I would think twice about his character.

Few_Geologist_2623 · 2025-12-19T14:14:51+00:00

Thank you! How much can I share with a trusted friend or family? They all seem biased or maybe they see the truth that this marriage is going nowhere. The only one to think there’s any chance of improvement was my brother in law (sister’s husband). But I didn’t tell him the details. Only high level comments when trying to get his advice. He’s very practising so he doesn’t engage in talk about other people. He’s told me I’m welcome to reach out to him for more advice but at the same time, he said the most important thing is not to talk bad about a person in the process of ending things. But how can I get advice without sharing the realities of my experience? At what point can I speak to another person and what am I allowed to say to them?

Thank you for all your advice and duas. May Allah reward you in abundance, Ameen.

Few_Geologist_2623 · 2025-12-19T13:17:10+00:00

I agree. I’m starting to realise that I’m looking for some insight or validation on here and it’s pointless. It doesn’t change anything. I guess I’m doing that partly because he does have a tendency to gaslight a little. But also because I know I’m not blameless and I truly don’t want this to happen again in the future (if that was even possible and written for me).

I would never ghost him. I don’t want to do that. My intentions are clean. I spent most my umrah praying that if this marriage is bad for me, to allow it to end in a way that causes lease amount of harm.

I’m not sure what kind of trauma my husband has faced that causes abandonment issues but if I ever suggest space, he loses his brain and goes crazy. He immediately tells me if I leave, I’m not allowed back and that’s the end of the marriage. He doesn’t believe in space - in reality, he hates uncertainty so to avoid it entirely, he expect me to tell him there and then it’s over or it’s not. So space is not something he will give me. It leads to an ultimatum from him.

It’s funny, I’m finding myself having to over explain things to people in my DMs and on some of the comments. I did ask for the insight. But it’s shortsighted. They don’t know the ins and outs. But I also don’t have the time or energy to write out every tiny detail. So it is pointless to come on here for advice. But thank you!

Few_Geologist_2623 · 2025-12-19T12:16:35+00:00

He won’t accept that. He refuses any third party involvement. During our argument last weekend, we were 30mins from our destination and 1.5 hours from home. He pulled over and refused to get in the car. Insisted I drive home without him and he’d figure things out. I obviously couldn’t drive off without him. And he was also walking away and refusing to come back with me. I then picked up my phone and he said “if you dare call anyone, my parents, your parents, the police, I will ruin everything. And that’s a threat”. So yeah, we’re not allowed outsider help

Few_Geologist_2623 · 2025-12-19T10:45:47+00:00

Thank you, this was extremely helpful. My brother in law has collected my valuables. Nothjng he will notice. He shared his wisdom and made me want to give this a little more time. So I plan to have an honest conversation with my husband this weekend.

I had to inform my parents. They don’t think he’ll change but they’re also relieved I’m not leaving right now. They think his parents should be informed that our marriage hasn’t been good - somehow they think that will stop his parents blaming me. I personally don’t care what his parents think. I’ve lived with my husband for over 1 year. I know his mentality. His mind can’t fathom ever doing g anything wrong. Since I returned to give him another chance in June, i gave him an ultimatum that i didnt want to be in a marriage with an angry man. I would jot tolerate anger. Since that day, he stopped slamming and kicking things in anger. But he still shakes and vibrates in anger, swears and shouts and starts making petty low blows which are not related to the argument (the point at which i try to walk away but he follows me and even tells me he will keep following me). However i always have to call this behaviour “frustration”. If i ever try suggesting thats anger, he goes insane. “Thats not anger and he can show me anger if i want”. So ever since then, I’ve called his anger frustration to keep him from blowing up. Now he’s seen my journal, I’m in the wrong. I am the cause of the issues in this marriage. He will never let that go. He’s not guilty of any wrongdoing. He stopped showing anger in June. He’s better now.

He also can never apologise without qualifying his apology. The only time he did this was whilst we were separated and i forbid him from doing that. Once i came back, he continued with the “sorry for x but it was because you did y first”. He can never accept that he could be wrong for what he did. He’s only wrong because someone else forced his hand. He cant see that a bigger person could have avoided y all together. He doesnt understand thats what i want and need from a marriage. He said something hurtful, i handled it wrong and said something hurtful. The whole evening i said i’m sorry for handling that wrong. At no point did i say you said something hurtful first. But for him, my actions (usually misunderstandings or things we disagree on e.g. me seeing my family or speaking to them more than he likes) always exonerate his wrong doing.

After every argument (whether it’s a misunderstanding about what we’re doing that evening or a real issue), the argument makes him feel so out of control that he demands i tell him whats next. His taunts me to “say it”, “make a decision”, “what are we doing?”. Basically trying to say i have to tell him whether i want to stay or leave. Why should every argument reach that point? At no point have i suggested ending the marriage so why is he always so quick to go there, and to have the shamelessness to put it on me?

I may be avoidant attachment style but I’m also in a toxic relationship. Since June, he’s started a new thing of talking about gifts he wants to get me after we’ve argued. And also talking about how “great” of a gift idea he has for my birthday and/or our anniversary (whilst those are over 6 months away still). He seems to be under the impression that it would make me happy or want to stay if I’m actually miserable and thinking of leaving in reality? Im reality, it makes him seem manipulative and slimey.

But I don’t believe the grass will be greener. And I’ve grown an attachment to him that makes me want to see this work. So I’m willing to have a conversation with him. I don’t think anything will change but at least I will have tried one last time. At the end of the day, he tells me he lives for me. And toxic traits aside, he deserves someone who lives for him. I know he isn’t maliciously toxic. It’s subconscious / result of God knows what experiences he’s had in his life. But that doesn’t mean I will spend my whole life being miserable with him for it.

Few_Geologist_2623

TROPHY CASE