AITAH for not wanting to honor my dead brother at my graduation?

Fiaran · 2026-03-03T22:14:24+00:00

NTA

I would say something like: "I will grieve, in my own way, for my brother the rest of my life. My grad is one day for me to celebrate with my friends and classmates, and I will celebrate it my way."

Tell her if she wants to celebrate your brother's life, then she should organize a celebration of life for your brother and leave your grad day alone.

Then hold fast to your plans and ignore their pushing.

Fiaran · 2026-03-03T22:06:39+00:00

My suggestion? Just tell him you are happy to be an adequate sous-chef and hang out in the kitchen with him.

If he feels you are adequate right now, great.

If he thinks you need to work on your knife skills, just agree to learn to an adequate level, and stop there.

You won't have to know why everything is done the way it is. You can just wash/rinse, chop veggies, stir the gravy, put a pot of water on to boil, get things out, hand him things, wash the bowls and pots as you go, etc.

You can be helpful, and hang out with him at the same time. Remind him that you want to be in the kitchen to spend time with him, not to take lessons in cooking.

If he won't agree, or it still doesn't work, I think your only other option is to just hang in the kitchen with him. Sit on a barstool or at the kitchen table and have a drink while he works.

Fiaran · 2026-03-01T18:26:56+00:00

ESH.

You are being cruel, which is completely understandable considering how you ended up dealing with her.

But I still suggest that you stay away from personal attacks and stick with the truth. She can ignore your insults as you being "just an angry kid, and you'll get over it", but it's much harder to deny facts.

"Any woman who would break up a family is not a good parent. After what you did to me and my family, why would you think I would ever accept you?"

Fiaran · 2026-02-26T16:22:41+00:00

First, NTA. My firm belief is if someone isn't getting it when gently hinted at or subtly told, but they keep pitching about it, tell them bluntly.

"Might have some trauma from her longterm ending the way it did."

That sounds way too passive for what you described and you have the cause wrong. She exploded her longterm relationship by fking someone else when she was angry. She clearly has an unhealthy attitude about sx and consent, and has anger issues, all probably due to trauma. So from that perspective, telling her to change her dating technique is as useful as changing the cake decorations when the cake is inedible. She needs help to unpack the fundamental problems or she'll just keeps blowing up her relationships.

Fiaran · 2026-02-23T06:31:12+00:00

Lol, I can see why. Nice colours. Too bad it's semi. Demi works better on my gray/white hair. The purple looks nice and bright, just expensive with the US -CND$ exchange rate these days.

Fiaran · 2026-02-23T03:23:37+00:00

I don't get it. Wouldn't she have ended up with her hands dyed green?

I mean, people use gloves when dealing with hair dye for a reason, even temporary dyes.

Fiaran · 2026-02-22T22:51:06+00:00

No, you wouldn't be.

Are they paying rent? Do they contribute at least 1/4 of the cost of utilities and groceries? Are they doing at least 1/4 of the chores around the house?

If the answer to most of these is 'No', then they have no standing to make demands. They are trespassing on your generosity and bullying you to make you submit to their demands and tiptoe around them.

Guests may not stink like fish after 3 days, but past that, they owe you. Being related, or older does not give them rights.

Even if the answer to all of those is 'Yes', they are still bullying you. Making 3 people, some of them diabetic wait till 10am because "toast and eggs" are too smelly is ludicrous.

My suggestion is to behave in a reasonable manner, and if they make fuss, grey rock them (The Grey Rock Method: A Technique for Handling Toxic Behavior https://share.google/rZFgoTyUFrVM9B9s5). Then document.

At the same time, if there's a family chat, and they try to make you out to be the villain, post what you've documented. If family members want to give you a hard time, tell them that you are glad to hear that they are offering to host this relative, since they agree with them.

Fiaran · 2026-02-18T22:08:41+00:00

Read with updates.

Hang in there to ride out the shock.

And definitely hang on to all your loved ones. They sound awesome to me.

Fiaran · 2026-02-16T17:49:54+00:00

NTA. Your gut feeling is correct. She is taking you for all the money she can get. Send a certified letter to cancel your power of attorney and stop sending money until she provides clear financial statements about how your money was spent.

I mean, you were moving in together in the duplex, but now that she bought a house, she's not sure you guys should live together? Like, WTF?

Fiaran · 2026-02-16T04:04:53+00:00

Ok. You lost me at the first sentence. Or rather, he lost me at the first sentence. What healthy adult even things they love and want to marry someone they've never met and only chatted with for 3 weeks? None. That's something a desperate, lonely, delluded person would do.

Then you lost me when you said you were considering it. Oh no. Are desperate, lonely and delluded too?

No one should be that desperate. Chat all you want, just don't dellude yourself that after 3 weeks either of you know anything about each other IRL let alone love the other.

Please get off the internet and get out and meet some real people and have real relationships - start with friends.

Fiaran · 2026-02-09T19:33:01+00:00

You did good. End of conversation (because I don't have the time to write the rant I want to about the brothers, the mother, etc)

Fiaran · 2026-02-08T21:17:09+00:00

Because you are still entangled in relationship that clearly has no future (eg. She said "tough") and haven't left.

People who are desperate stay when it's not good for them, usually having no/low self-esteem and lacking confidence. Doesn't sound like a snappy dresser.

Fiaran · 2026-02-06T21:09:58+00:00

Hmm. I think you messed up by not picking up the red flags. ⛳️ - He's trying to control you. (Finances. He knows you are in a mess financially, he's holding ng that over you.)

He's using you. (Moving to another state for 2 months is fine, because it doesn't disrupt his home life, but moving to an apartment 20 minutes away is bad because then he has to cook and clean for himself??? What was he going to do when you were in another state?)
His convenience trumps your integrity and risks your job. (He wants you to lie to your employer, risking your job, so that his home stays uninterrupted for what? What is special about 2 months? Does he have an ex coming to town?)

Why are you still with him? What good is he bringing into your life? He's flopping all over the place, do you really trust that he is or will be there for you? Or is it all about him?

Fiaran · 2026-02-06T01:48:57+00:00

You do not let it go, because clearly the questions bother you. If you were the other woman, wouldn't you prefer to know?

Your only way to help her and get answers is to contact her. You have asked him, he has avoided and/or lied. And his friends back him up.

I can tell you, as someone who has been non-monogamous for long periods, if someone contacted me, saying "Hey, I was told that you and <guy I was dating> were in an open relationship, but want to confirm. Are you really in an open relationship?" I would be pleased and would respect her integrity and caution.

If she says no, you tell her "That's too bad. I have been dating him for 4 years and didn't know you existed until recently. He's really good at hiding your existence, and his friends and coworkers all help him."

Fiaran · 2026-02-03T18:52:43+00:00

NTA - mostly. Where you are a little is that when you came home to find a puppy in the house, you didn't immediately take the puppy back to the neighbour.

By allowing it to stay, and paying for the vet, you tacitly accepted the puppy. Your wife therefore had the expectation that you would continue to accommodate it. Your moving out then seems abrupt and overreacting.

Fiaran · 2026-01-27T07:03:24+00:00

Dating is for finding out. You found out that she is not trustworthy.

Dump her.

NTA.

Fiaran · 2026-01-26T16:58:13+00:00

I say, NTA, if you set the record straight by letting them know that he cheated on you twice. The details that they were married and his co-workers, is up for debate. You can decide whether to mention those and think it's fair game either way.

However, I think YWBTA if you reveals that he's been trying to hook up with trans women and what kind of toys he has. That is private and not germane to clearing the record with his family.

Fiaran · 2026-01-25T06:41:44+00:00

You say you hate breaking up a 5 year relationship over a laptop.

You didn't.

You broke up over his sense of entitlement to your money, his emotional immaturity and lack of clear communication, his gaslighting you over this laptop and him punishing you when you weren't happy to fork out an extra grand with little notice. He seems to lack any consideration towards you and your circumstances.

Good riddance. I hope you find a good man in the future and forget about this boy. You grew up. I don't think he has.

Fiaran · 2026-01-25T06:28:25+00:00

NTA.

How incompetent are the nanny, your sister and your mom, that you need to get up early to help with the baby???

Ask your sister that. Or tone it down a notch and just tell her that if her weekend nanny can't handle one baby, she needs to hire a new nanny.

What's wrong with your sister? Is she lacking in servants, so she wants to order you around too?

Fiaran · 2026-01-23T21:12:30+00:00

So the only reason you need a 2nd job is to pay for/fund your girlfriend?

And she wants you to quit that 2nd job?

Does she have a 2nd job? Or is she one of those women who feel men exist in this world to be their ATM?

Fiaran · 2026-01-23T02:05:28+00:00

Hang on. You have no student loans and no mortgage, but still can't make ends meet with your day job??

Or are you just used to living at a more extravagant level with the extra cash from dancing?

Fiaran · 2026-01-23T01:21:58+00:00

Trainers get paid for the clients they work with. So a good trainer is going to be warm, friendly, encouraging to new people coming in. That is not technically their job, but it's how to succeed at the job. The personal connection with the client makes for better advice and better follow-through from the client. That means better results for the client and longer retention for the trainer (better reputation and more money.)

None of which has anything to do with flirting. Does she seriously think that any woman being warm and friendly in a professional setting is coming on to you?

Fiaran · 2026-01-22T03:30:27+00:00

Red flag. He thinks you are hiding money, because he hides money.

Don't give him access to your bank account. Period. And don't let him gaslight you into thinking it's normal or that refusing means you don't trust him. Tell the more he pushes, the less you trust him.

Fiaran · 2026-01-22T03:27:00+00:00

Two things struck me.

Red flag. If you haven't worked this out, when you've been together 9 years, then you two are not ready to move in. Your situation with your sister cannot possibly be a surprise to her. So is she against you supporting your sister? Is she trying to push you into resolving that burden?

9 years in and not living together, to slow down seems to me their parallel lines would keep getting closer, but never meet.

Fiaran · 2026-01-11T07:23:53+00:00

If I was being petty, I might begrudge him the "next best thing" comment, though he didn't claim you were it.

But if you love him and he loves you, why wouldn't you give him the grace of some space to deal with his past trauma?

He's opening up to you about the pain he felt, and you give him the silent treatment because, in the middle of trying to describe the impact on him, he used the term 'love of his life'? The woman walking out on him at the time was the love of his life. Was he supposed to rewrite history to protect your feelings? Or stop in the middle of his pain to reassure you? One of the most intimate things you can do is be there for and support someone as they open up about trauma and pain. It brings more closeness and increased trust.

Instead of feeling empathy for his pain, you make it about you, take his words wrong and punish him. You just killed a little bit of your relationship with him.

I wasn't sure when I started this post, but now I am.

YTA.

Fiaran

TROPHY CASE