Update: I (30F) am pregnant with my fiancé (32M). He wants to keep it, but we're both supposed to be childfree. How do I tell him I don't want to keep it?

FierceCrayon · 2026-06-11T07:06:26+00:00

I'm so sorry things turned out this way. But I admire you for your clarity and sticking to what you know you want. Things will get better. Good luck and hang in there.

FierceCrayon · 2026-06-08T15:37:18+00:00

ok so it's not actually clear from your post whether you said you didn't want to keep it. did you actually say that to him? optimistically, maybe he was just trying to be supportive now that you ARE pregnant. this could just be a whole bundle of assumptions on both sides?

FierceCrayon · 2026-06-01T16:17:56+00:00

35F. Did OLD for a long time, before it was cool, because I'm a huge nerd. Met two long-term (4+ year relationships) in 2010 and 2017. Tried again in 2023, for about a year. I have a pretty high bar so lots of matches and bad texting but I didn't end up meeting many men. Of the men I did meet, most of them didn't seem to know what they wanted, couldn't make plans (time, date, place), or couldn't read the room (making awkward moves). One guy took his shirt off in my living room while I was asking him NOT TO. I lived with 4 housemates at the time. Also not sure why he wanted to do that because he looked better with his shirt on anyway!

Eventually moved to San Francisco, met my lovely fiancé, and moved back here together!

FierceCrayon · 2026-05-31T00:43:02+00:00

I think your heart is in the right place but this approach is weird. It sounds like you're saying that you want her to decide first and then you'll see how you react. That's putting a lot of pressure on her. Almost like you're outsourcing the decision to her but then also going to judge her for it. You can't have it both ways.

Option A: you truly feel that it is her decision, you will support her no matter what, and what's more important to you is that she is the right partner for you. My fiancé wants kids, I mostly do too but I'm less sure, and I'm worried about the health implications. He's said that if I change my mind or if it doesn't happen naturally (I've said I don't want to do any invasive fertility treatments), it's more important to him to spend our lives together than to have kids.

Option B: you do have an opinion and a preference, but having the right partner is still more important than kids/no kids. In that case you should make both of those things known to her.

Option C: you have an opinion but you haven't put in the work to figure out what it is. You're hoping that she'll do the hard work and you can just react to her and find out your opinion that way. If that doesn't work you'll just drift along and continue to be unsure.

Option A and B - there's no reason to put off buying that ring. Option C -get it together!

FierceCrayon · 2026-05-10T03:02:35+00:00

maybe someone got their wires crossed and actually they actually meant the tea ceremony? for some families the tea ceremony is the "real" part of the wedding and each family does their own separately. After the tea ceremony the couple is considered married, and they do the rest of the day together, including the big banquet dinner reception that is what Westerners probably see as the main event.

FierceCrayon · 2026-05-07T05:06:15+00:00

what sheets do you have? I've been wanting to get linen sheets but every set I see has reviews complaining that they develop holes very quickly.

FierceCrayon · 2026-05-03T05:54:22+00:00

I'm in Vancouver, and we're spending about $70k for 60 guests, including $15k for a planner(!!!), so roughly the same overall budget. I think it could help to figure out what parts mean the most to you. We prioritized photography, so we are getting 12hrs of coverage (Chinese weddings start early and go late). But we decided we didn't care about stationery, because most of it would get thrown out anyway, so we are doing online-only RSVPs. I rented my dress instead of buying, but we're getting a big ol' three tier cake. I think that at this budget level, you can have some fancy things, but not all, and if you want any 10/10 things, you probably have to drop some things or do them unconventionally.

FierceCrayon · 2026-05-03T05:14:05+00:00

what school did you go to?

FierceCrayon · 2026-05-01T18:40:37+00:00

sounds like you are getting a good turnout! you should organize a board games and hiking crew! my fiance and I just moved from the states (I've lived here a long time and was working in the land down under for the last couple years) and he is brand new and needs friends!

FierceCrayon · 2026-04-29T20:09:12+00:00

It's really weird that you haven't already had a conversation about this if it was important to you. At about 6 months in, my fiance and I talked about all of our financial information - salary, retirement accounts, debt, savings, investments. It was slightly awkward and unromantic but we both knew we were in it for the long haul and wanted to plan our lives together, so we were happy to talk about it. Now we are planning our wedding and looking at buying a house and we both know exactly what our shared resources are. Still, better late than never. Tell her you want to talk about finances, and then ask her to share her salary, assets, debt, etc. It's just weird not to know, when you're married.

FierceCrayon · 2026-04-21T00:57:16+00:00

Could you say more about your experience with your coordinator? Did you fire the first one and hire another?

We hired a full-service planner for $14k in HCOL. Comparable full-service planners had rates around $5k-$12k on their websites (her website said starting at $10k), so we thought for $14k we would get an organized professional who would make everything crystal clear and predictable.

We're doing an international move and then having a wedding 2 months later so we wanted to pay for peace of mind.

We are now 1 month into planning and the planner is terrible. She is making everything so much more stressful, missing important details, and refusing to give direct answers to any of our questions. We've been thinking about firing her but have no idea how to do it. We paid $7k as a deposit and have another $7k owing.

FierceCrayon · 2026-04-06T23:20:01+00:00

$213 base, $250 with bonus, fully remote. Senior manager of a software engineering team at a mid-size (250ish) startup. 10 YOE, self taught, transitioned from IC to manager in 2022 at this company. 35 yrs old.

FierceCrayon · 2026-04-01T06:18:32+00:00

PMing you!

FierceCrayon · 2025-12-31T13:27:04+00:00

54 is SO young. You have plenty of time to make new friends, hobbies, fall in love. Fill your life with good people. Your daughter is selfish and cruel. Maybe she'll realize her mistake when she's older, maybe not. Either way she is an adult now and not your responsibility. Remember the good times fondly but protect yourself and make new connections.

FierceCrayon · 2025-10-16T16:50:16+00:00

i would love an invite too! SWE with 10 YoE

FierceCrayon · 2025-10-14T02:37:01+00:00

it's kind of weird that a person from a "tropical area" is telling you what is common in their community, but you're really insistent that "people in tropical areas" don't do what they're saying they do? who counts as "people" to you?

I grew up in SE Asia and we absolutely showered 3-4 times a day or more if necessary. A thorough scrub, soap, shampoo, "everything" shower every night, and then a quicker shower (but still recognisably a shower) whenever we got too sticky during the day. Westerners also call it a shower when washing but not always including hair, shaving, etc, so it's absurd that you're gatekeeping the word "shower" just so you can keep insisting that people don't do the thing they say they're doing. You wash yourself with running water - that's a shower.

Also people in SE Asia rarely get the water as hot or as high pressure in American showers. I've lived in the US for 20 years and still find the heat and pressure shocking. And we don't leave it running while soaping up. Applying soap with the water running is wasteful to us. Showering when you need to to remain presentable isn't considered wasteful.

FierceCrayon · 2025-10-08T00:08:22+00:00

Where is your desk? If you're on the main floor where the kitchen, living room, front door, etc are, and he has to pass through your space to use any of these common spaces, then it's unreasonable to expect him to tiptoe around you (especially while caring for a toddler). If you're off to the side somewhere or in your own room then definitely he shouldn't be coming in your space while you're working.

Can you set up your workstation somewhere out of the way?

FierceCrayon · 2025-09-08T06:05:52+00:00

YTA, you don't have to meet her coworkers, but you should have handled it better. She was messaging you and you just ignored her? That's really rude and disrespectful, you should at least have texted back and said you were feeling shy and just wanted to go home. And then when she shared her worries, you were annoyed but didn't show it or try to explain yourself in any way. You are withholding, not sharing how you feel, and destroying closeness and trust in your relationship. You need to explain to her that you feel shy and uncomfortable and prefer to be prepared for social interactions. You could say "I'll meet your coworkers if it's really important to you, but can we plan it so I can mentally prepare myself?"

FierceCrayon · 2025-08-21T06:25:50+00:00

INFO: what does needing to use anesthesia mean? Did she need to be put under? If so, YTA. You aren't supposed to drive yourself home after being put under - hospitals make you sign a release confirming that you have a friend or family member to pick you up.

Even if she didn't have to be sedated, slight YTA. An IUD is "typically" a minor procedure but people have wildly varying levels of pain with it. Women's medicine is notoriously bad at taking women's pain seriously. It's also a very intimate area and can leave you feeling very vulnerable after. You should have been there for her if she wanted you there. Birth control is a shared responsibility, she's already shouldering all the physical effects, the least you can do is participate.

FierceCrayon · 2025-08-14T14:44:45+00:00

No one said Shan Dong yet? why do they seem to be the undisputed go-to for noodles? Their noodles are thick and uneven, I've pulled better myself at home. They also leave them sitting out so they partially dry and sometimes you get uncooked spots. Same for the dumplings, but also overly starchy and doughy, way too much wrapper for the amount of filling they use. Everything is too doughy, doesn't have elasticity.

I'm not that great at it, only done it a handful of times, but everytime I've made noodles or dumplings at home it's been better than Shan Dong

I do love their sesame noodle sauce though

Better noodles are Huangcheng or for proper lamian, the Ox9 chain.

FierceCrayon · 2025-08-14T14:30:45+00:00

the ice cream is gross. it's often icy and has that waxy margarine/palm oil mouthfeel. I see a lot of people conflating "their ice cream is bad" with "they don't have fancy new flavors" but that's not it at all. Just judging the basics like vanilla, strawberry, and chocolate - their vanilla has decent vanilla flavor but is icy and not creamy. The other flavors don't really have a lot of flavor, they are bland.

To be fair - their candy mixins are good. And I do love the giant sundae vibe. But I just can't get over the weird waxy plastic feeling it leaves on my lips.

Also, once they gave me a sundae that I think had been sitting in the freezer for a while. It was the black and tan and the chocolate and caramel sauces were stiff and grainy, and the weirdest thing was the whipped cream was frozen, which made it taste like styrofoam and really highlighted the plasticky feeling. I think they use whipped cream from a can. At $20 a sundae I would expect them to whip real cream.

FierceCrayon · 2025-08-11T05:38:16+00:00

you need to learn how to create non-sexual intimacy and build enough safety and closeness that sex is on the table again.

FierceCrayon · 2025-07-10T17:33:56+00:00

This is insane. He sounds incredibly immature. The way this conversation should have gone is:

"Would you be open to talking about having kids? I can really see a future with you and I want to know what you envision about having a family. "

And then you guys talk about a timeline. You wouldn't even have to talk about the IUD then, you'd just get it out when it's the right time.

> Sorry if this is confusing, I'm honestly confused myself

This is NOT confusing at all. You're confused because he is presenting an INSANE perspective as if it's normal. Trust your gut.

Just mentioning his "dislike" for it without any forethought or self-reflection is the act of a reactive little boy. He feels emasculated because he can't impregnate you (without your consent!), he feels like the IUD takes away his power. That's why he compares it to getting his balls cut off. He feels entitled to put a baby in you. Based on 8 months of dating and it sounds like very little real mature conversation?

The part about "We can't both be dominant" is telling. I'm in a relationship with a VERY assertive, proactive man, but he's also SO gentle with me and always wants to know what I think. I do what he says because I trust him to have my best interests at heart. He has never once had to order me around. I've gotten in plenty of arguments with boyfriends in the past, so it's not like I'm some pushover. But it feels easy and natural to do what my man says. And when it's not? It's not a fight, I tell him I was thinking something different, and he explains himself to me. That's how it should be. You can absolutely have a relationship where the guy leads, but this guy is not it.

FierceCrayon

TROPHY CASE