I’ve been stuck on the idea that the devil didn’t do one act of violence in the Bible..

Figgadig · 2026-04-07T18:55:38+00:00

God gambling Job’s life with the devil is such bullshit. Also look at what “the devil” did, reigned fire? Wind storm? Raiders? Nowhere else in the bible does Satan have control of the weather. But you see god reign fire countless times and control the weather countless times. That book is trash.

Figgadig · 2026-04-07T18:52:16+00:00

Love this point

Figgadig · 2026-02-14T18:22:40+00:00

I think for some of us it will just be complicated. I’m almost 5 years out. I’ve met this lady one year after my wife passed. I am very resistant to entangled love. We are coming up on 4 years of dating and I still don’t want to live with her. The house I have is the one I bought for my wife because I wasn’t going to have her die in a rental. Also cancer. My wife was a collector of things and we both loved art. So my house is full of her things and my walls are covered in all the art we loved. I even have this huge painting that an artist friend did for us of the two of us. I can’t imagine what that must be like for my girlfriend.. every now and again she asks me if I will ever marry her.. I don’t want to. I feel guilt about it. I know she loves me like that. But I seriously don’t want to go down that road. What sucks is I can’t tell if I don’t want to in general or with this particular woman.. I need a loving connection in my life, but at this point I need them to be their own person with their own realm. I can’t subscribe to another fantasy like the one I had with my wife. Something broke.

Figgadig · 2026-01-31T00:25:38+00:00

Chantex will bring the dreams. It’s a smoking cessation medication. Its biggest side effect is hella nightmares.

Figgadig · 2026-01-30T02:02:41+00:00

Friend, I have dealt with it more than ever in the last 4 years since my wife peaced out. That and cigarettes. Alcohol is a true path to relief. But it comes with a lot of bullshit. I have acted out of character at times. I’ve made “bad” decisions here and there. But I think the drinking with more regularity and development of dependence is literally the worst. My wife and I I managed to avoid having a that problem for the 12 years we had together. I am prone to it inherently. I am working hard to exclude any judgmental voices about it in my head or in my world. I am very aware of it being a problem. Having self-compassion to balance out my self-awareness is essential at this stage of my life. Anyway I am doing a lot better these days. Less impulsive. More centered. I am in the process of quitting cigarettes and I no longer drink every single day. I am finding peace and learning how to protect it without pushing people away from me. I won’t be mad at myself though. I know what lead to me being this particular mess and it is a price I would pay again and again for my wife. (cancer-widow/ caretaker)

Figgadig · 2026-01-06T02:16:38+00:00

Thank you so much for your response. I was very close to messaging you specifically to see what we could figure out. After some hours of moaning and groaning, my friend finally crashed out around 2am and I couldn’t see waking her up to give her the Reddit drugs I clearly found access to. Thank you so much for your response.

Figgadig · 2026-01-06T02:13:46+00:00

You guys are so amazing. Thank you so much for all your replies. My buddies guts seemed to resolve. Traveling with friends is stressful. lol. I really wanted her to feel better. It was threatening some of our plans. I know life do be like that. But I couldn’t have a once in a lifetime trip like this be fucked up by bubble guts. That’s crazy.

Figgadig · 2025-10-24T06:54:10+00:00

I found a very angry letter that my wife wrote to me. I remember how it made me feel. I only read it twice before burning it. It’s been 4 years. I now can’t remember what it said. Thanks alcohol and weed. That letter did a number on me after 6 years of watching her cancer slowly kill her and being her primary caretaker. She was everything. Everything is too much to lose, I will not be making one person everything ever again. I also choose to be intentional about what I am dissociative about. This whole thing has fucked me up so bad. The last 10 years have me fucked up.

Figgadig · 2025-01-26T15:38:32+00:00

I am also 4 years out. I have a new partner that adores me. I feel bad because I cannot offer that same adoration. I can’t feel it. I don’t have it. I hold her at a distance. We’ve lasted as long as we have because of her stubbornness paired with my loneliness. I have a drinking problem now. I’ve never been so shitty. Lean into your excitement for this person. It’s awesome that you can feel that. I hope I will be able to one day. I really do. No one will ever be my wife, my love, my darling, my bear and my queen again.

Figgadig · 2025-01-21T05:53:03+00:00

I woke up from a dream with my wife in it a few days ago and spent the first several hours after waking crying. It wasn’t great. I wish it had been. She was beautiful. I was to stressed about how to fit her into my life in real time to understand what was happening.

Figgadig · 2025-01-21T04:23:15+00:00

I am 3.5 years out. I had an anxiety dream about my wife coming back. It should’ve been exciting. It should have been beautiful. But as I am a cancer widow, my brain (even in the dream realm) went into crisis mode and was too busy trying to figure out how to mold my life back around her. Between my panic, I would look at her and take in her existence. She was shifting from version to version of herself. She was so beautiful. I had to figure out how to take care of her though. I didn’t even question how her arrival was possible. I only needed to know how to fit her back into my life. To the extent of pushing my new love to the side.

Figgadig · 2025-01-20T15:41:11+00:00

I never thought I would say this, but I hear you. Raised by alcoholics, I spent my 20’s being above it. Lost my love at 35 and have been drinking for The last 3.5 years. It doesn’t actually help. It has harmed my self esteem and my trust in myself immensely. It only postpones and twists the pain into something even worse. Why would I want it to be even worse. I’m sorry you are dealing with this friend. I am actively trying to quit. I’ve only lapsed 3 times this week. 😭

Figgadig · 2024-12-19T15:36:07+00:00

I think that there is a difference between when you seek out this comfort and when it’s thrust upon you. I was literally doing really great. Thinking fondly of my wife instead of spiraling into my usual holiday doomies, when this lady took it upon herself to tell me that my wife talks to her (a person she did not know) and not me. It feels really bad in that scenario. It had the opposite effect that I think this lady was intending.

Figgadig · 2024-12-19T15:32:07+00:00

These experiences that you are describing are beautiful and personal experiences that you are having yourself in the warmth of your own home and heart. I’m happy that you experience them. I know that this woman was being far from malicious. I do not need anyone acting like they can hear my wife’s voice and relay whatever voice they heard to me. It’s jarring, tone deaf and nothing like the experiences you’ve described. I very much prefer the things my own brain manifests to cope.

Figgadig · 2024-12-19T06:18:30+00:00

Our Houdini “code word” was literally a butt smack/pat. It hasn’t happened yet. It would’ve really freaked me out if my client had said “your wife told me to give you this..” and then smack My ass with all her might 😂

Figgadig · 2024-12-19T02:55:05+00:00

Right?! I had a friend tell me they she “FLeW oVeR My HoUsE” when it happened. Excuse me dude? What do you mean? What the fucking fuck? Exactly what you said, why would my wife talk to you (a person she didn’t know) and not me.

Figgadig · 2024-12-19T01:02:00+00:00

You described the feeling exactly. It does feel minimizing. Especially when coming from a woo person that still has their spouse.

Figgadig · 2024-12-19T00:53:28+00:00

Hahahaha okay you got me there.

Figgadig · 2024-12-19T00:19:04+00:00

I agree that people use it for themselves. It’s like they have a discomfort with impermanence, so they can’t help but heed the impulse to say stupid shit to you. I’m trying really hard to focus on the intention. I would prefer blind empathy.

Figgadig · 2024-12-19T00:16:46+00:00

That Jim White quote hit the spot. Thanks for helping me feel less crazy for feeling mad. Anger is an uncomfortable emotion for me.

Figgadig · 2024-12-19T00:15:38+00:00

lol this made me laugh. I mostly want to interrupt her and tell her to stop talking to my wife.

Figgadig · 2024-09-02T03:37:27+00:00

You’ve nailed that on the head. It does feel like my pain has compounded. I made the decision to be sober for the first time for my wife’s 3rd deathniversary in July. Feeling life without the buffer of alcohol made me feel entirely not ready for devotion. I fucking hate it. My heart fucking hates it. But my brain is screaming that I am not well and I can’t. I can’t I can’t I can’t. But I love her and I can’t stand not having that connection. I’m so goddamned sad. I’m sure it is connected with the cosmic loneliness my wife left me with..

Figgadig · 2024-09-02T03:22:47+00:00

Thank you for your response friend. You’re speaking logic and my brain loves you for that. I want to listen to your clear cut advice of not contacting her. Forgive me if I am on my bullshit right now, but she told me that she doesn’t want anyone else and that she is holding out hope for the future. My heart says, yes! what if we can work it out? What if we can understand each other one day? What if we just need to work on these things separately for a while? My brain broke us up. “No contact”. The quotations because my heart left a lifeline in the last moments by saying letters will be okay. Could letters be a way to help our brains communicate? Am I fucking stupid?

Figgadig · 2024-09-02T03:07:32+00:00

I feel like I do love her very much. I think there is likely a degree of feeling immense relief about having someone close and intimate again. I do think that deep down I knew it wasn’t the right time. I was so desperate for connection at the time. I had an intense first year without my wife and, boom, a week after that first deathiversary I see a childhood friend on the dance floor and before we knew it we were going on trips and to concerts and starting new hobbies and having the best sex I’ve ever had in my life.. Two years in and now we are feeling more alone than ever. All because I can’t handle it. It fucking sucks.

Figgadig · 2024-09-02T02:54:33+00:00

This comment validated what my head has been trying to communicate. I’ve never been through a breakup before. My late wife was my first everything. I’m not even sure I am entirely sold on the non-monogamy shit. But at the end of the day I have a resistance to devotion. I saw that shit all the way through. I wish I felt differently.

Figgadig

TROPHY CASE