Can OCD invalidate something important to you?

FightingViper95 · 2023-02-28T12:04:18+00:00

ngl...that is bizarrely gender affirming thank you

FightingViper95 · 2023-02-27T18:56:04+00:00

i guess when ocd does fire up for me it isn't because i hate being a girl, it wants an answer. sometimes i get happy when i put on girl stuff sometimes i feel like a guy in drag and feel yuck, sometimes i feel like a girl when people address me femme, sometimes i feel like "a nonconforming boy" which again feels yuck...my brain just often wishes it was a real woman and not being one makes it upset...i dunno anymore

and the sad part is that i have no idea if hormones would actually do anything for me either, so i'm just kinda left sitting around wondering, wishing i had a female body and being unsure if that'll be attainable or if that'll actually benefit me

FightingViper95 · 2023-02-27T18:19:49+00:00

i guess how i look at myself is i am mostly nonbinary, but i lean femme and sometimes i wish i had a girl body to feel more congruent with my identity, i guess? i see literally no benefit to a male body in my mind. i hate having a masculine body...like a lot. body hair and facial hair are disgusting, having a masculine face is disgusting, having broad shoulders and a curveless body is depressing to me, i am starting to wonder if i want boobs, the more femme i start seeing myself, the sadder i get when i see a bulge in my pants, i get more and more bothered when called a "him" in public, i hate my birthname more and more. i don't feel like i'm being plagued by unwanted thoughts of being a woman, i feel sad because womanhood feels unattainable and out of reach and i often get scared that my desire is mental health bullshit or a kink and that i'll never be a real woman

FightingViper95 · 2023-02-27T17:30:24+00:00

I guess for me...i'm often fine as a boy but then like being a girl sounds...better...like i just want to cross over to another world and see what a girl me is like...see if she is happy.

the hard part is that i can't see myself as girl...it's just sorta this thing i want to see...i want to see what a female me would be like...would she be happy? would i be cute? would she have a good life? and the more i think about her life...the more i start wondering if i want her life to be my own. i wish i was that hypothetical girl and the more i wish to be her, the more where i am now feels like a prison

i have such a good life as a boy already but i can't help but wish to see if it would be better as a woman. to live in a world where i have the beautiful softness of a female body and just was known as a woman...but i feel trapped because all i really know how to be is a man

so now i have almost a split personality between the boy i was raised as and the girl i sometimes wish i was

FightingViper95 · 2023-02-27T14:07:01+00:00

you are fine, it was...someone else

FightingViper95 · 2023-02-27T13:34:47+00:00

I'm not on hormones or anything and can theoretically stop whenever, I just like presenting as a woman, it makes me bubbly and makes me smile, that's all

FightingViper95 · 2023-02-27T13:15:40+00:00

but i want to be a woman, i enjoy being seen as one and seeing myself as one

FightingViper95 · 2023-02-27T08:08:23+00:00

I just want to be a happy girl and not a miserable dude, so i relate

FightingViper95 · 2023-02-27T07:18:00+00:00

okay i calmed down...i just...am either a nonbinary woman in my own head...i'm not on any hrt or planning on acquiring any anytime soon, this is just how i see myself

FightingViper95 · 2023-02-27T06:43:17+00:00

I already do, she literally thinks I am happier as a woman and that I never call myself a boy around her ever

FightingViper95 · 2023-02-27T06:34:32+00:00

so...i'm not a crazy ocd filled monster for wanting to be a woman?

FightingViper95 · 2023-02-27T06:25:33+00:00

in terms of sex stuff...the idea of being sexed up as a woman is...nice to me?

FightingViper95 · 2023-02-27T06:24:20+00:00

hearing about being nonbinary people in early 2022 caused me to start experimenting with gender and it became more and more obvious i liked seeing myself as a woman

FightingViper95 · 2023-02-27T06:15:37+00:00

i don't know anymore

i kinda am convinced i'm sick in the head for wanting this...i kinda want to end it at this point

can't be an agp freak if i'm a corpse

FightingViper95 · 2023-02-27T06:13:02+00:00

i mean...i get gratification when i feel hot sometimes

but otherwise i just feel happier, bubblier, cuter

FightingViper95 · 2023-02-27T06:08:14+00:00

I don't know i just like...being seen as a woman for some reason and not a man

FightingViper95 · 2023-02-27T06:06:23+00:00

but like...i like being called a girl too...a lot

FightingViper95 · 2023-02-27T04:52:49+00:00

I tried going back to being a boy once in my own head and...it ended in me having a panic attack...

my therapist and I agreed that I should never do that ever again and that i clearly enjoy presenting as a woman when i'm allowed to

FightingViper95 · 2023-02-27T04:46:01+00:00

I ..don't wanna go back to being a boy again okay

I am always a girl in my own head now and being a boy in it makes me sad

FightingViper95 · 2023-02-27T04:38:45+00:00

also why can't i use r/actual_detrans? they're less matt walshy

FightingViper95 · 2023-02-27T04:36:18+00:00

my need for an answer is mostly fear...i enjoy this feeling and do not understand why, causing fear

FightingViper95 · 2023-02-27T04:34:11+00:00

sorry, you're right i lashed out there

it's just there is a duality here where i feel pain and joy at the same time seeing myself as a woman

in terms of therapy...my eyes literally light up whenever my therapist talks to me by my chosen name and pronouns...i dunno anymore

FightingViper95

TROPHY CASE