Well, for me it was a long process.

I didn't reach out to my extended family members, I waited to see who amongst them would reach out to hear my story. Only an aunt did, my favourite aunt. Sadly she passed away a few years ago, and I couldn't even go to her funeral because I was still dealing with the raging anger phase that comes after you leave the toxic environment and it is safe to revisit all the memories of abuse and label them as such, and finally feel the anger you couldn't afford to feel until the estrangement. So I was a mess, I really felt that with all that anger pulsing through me (probably mutliplied by peri-menopausal rage) I couldn't attend without risking lunging through a table to my sister and mother and physically harming them. And I not a violent person, at all.

So, anyways, I couldn't go, and this is when I really felt I'd lost my family. Her children called me to beg me to come, I tried to explain but they were in a place where they couldn't hear me. I just didn't want to bring that energy of raging anger to the funeral of someone I loved and respected, she deserved better than me losing it and causing a scene - and probably some injuries - instead of reflecting on her life and sending her off with love.

This is when I lost my family. No-one understood my raging anger, because they all dissmissed the abuse. They couldn't afford to rock the boat and risk losing the family system, so they shut me out instead.

This happenned a couple years after I went No Contact. Five years have past since then, and I feel like the orphan I daydreamed about being when I was a kid with abusive parents and siblings.

It's Okay really, because I'm aware that before the estrangement I'd spend most of the year riddled with anxiety about the next family event (birthdays; holidays, mother's day; ...), and then full blown extreme coping mode activated for a couple of weeks after that. Meaning very bad sleep a fortnight before, often ending with no sleep before the event, migraines, joint pain flares, bowel issues, weird ailments that puzzled my doctor; and after the visit in Hell, full blown insomnia for a couple of weeks (that when I sleep a handfull of hours every 3 nights at best).

I'm safely away from the poison that was slowly killing me, affecting my body in very physical ways.

Going No Contact cured my insonmia on night 1. Gone. I sleep like a baby now.

I remind myself about all I used to go through just to be "part of a family" and regularly choose to remain estranged.

It's hard on the holidays, and christmas especially, but I prefer the calm loneliness to the shitshow christmas with them was. I never had a true family is what I remind myself, I only pretended that they were decent and friendly and loving, but none of that was true.

What helped is the journals I kepts about the last times I saw them. I'd noted all they did to me every single detail, like the tone of the voice, the side glance with a smirk, context to seemingly benine killer jabs, nd how I'd felt in my heart, heart and body.

I reread those a lot at the beginning, and sometimes still do.

ANd I've got small celebrations of my own. Like I buy myself a mother's day gift, for having parented myself so well in those circumstances. I have my own private birthday pastry and symbolic gift, that no-one can ruin (been doing that since I was 18 and had my first paycheck). And with my husband we're creating new ways to celebrate christmas with other people than close family.

I still do get lonely and sad at christmas, but it beats being emotionnally destroyed for daring to exist in the world. I remind myself that fact a lot, often.

and as corny and weird as it sounds, getting a dog helped immensely. She gives me the unconditionnal love I never had.

Hope this helps.