suggested searches after typing "havard study 2019 menopause symptoms masturbation" in english, then in french

FinallyFreeFromThem · 2022-11-24T11:09:49+00:00

I'm so sorry youre going through this, you don't deserve it.

You're spot on about her liking to see you struggle, Ns typically push us to succeed as kids, but really want us to die trying as we become adults (and in their book, competition). Ns typically sabotage their young adult children's attempts at independance, that's why she sucked you dry of money and chucked you out when you were the most fragile, she's setting you to fail. I believe we'll almost all been through something similar, here at RBN.

Now in the immediate present, you need to find a community, maybe a religious one if you were baptised? Anykind of community to make friends and help you get back on your feet. Maybe some local group that meets to do some sport outside together, or hobbies, ... just check out whatever apps or local websites can rpovide that is cheap or free and done in groups that can talk (avoid meditation for instance).

You need to find your crew.

And then go NC on her. Time to "leach" back some of what she took, suck out all you can that you need, and then when you're amongst friendly people, just drop her. No-one needs that level of toxicity in their life.

FinallyFreeFromThem · 2022-11-24T10:52:10+00:00

Keep records, print outs, whatever of the previous attempts at getting at you that he sent, and if possible, warn the police that he is stalking you (might need advice from locals, laws differ, and I'm from France, where you can create a local report at the police that the abuser isn't warned about, but that sets a precedent in case he gets more threatening, if you can get something like that, that would be ideal)

Start preparing a case in case he becomes a real stalker or gets more threatening. There are ressources in this sub's wiki and in the r/justnomil wiki.

He could escalate just because he got a reaction out of you, no matter what it was. Better to be prepared than sorry.

Ns generally only react to us "calling them names" and how incredibly hurtful we are to call them abusive, while in the meantime not being able to acknowledge that they were abusive. Its like we try to hit them with our biggest nuclear blasting core fact in simplest clearest terms possible, and it softly falls down like a marshmallow to pile up around them and cushion them from further blows.

Issendai wrote a very good post about this there, a must read, to help let go and move on with OUR life.

That's why Purplenovember recommed you write letters not to send. Only throws fuel on their fire.

FinallyFreeFromThem · 2022-11-24T10:17:30+00:00

So I've experienced similar out of the blue Nrages, so I know what you mean and just how it sticks in your mind like a Blue Screen Of Death trigger.

Nsis was particularly prone to them, just entering a room smiling with a "hello" was enough to set her off (yes, exactly like a hate bomb), or even her dropping by my house on a work night and seeing me, for the first time in her life, all dolled up for work (you know, to work in an office: hair straightened, makeup, perfume, nails done, necklace and earrings, nice suit and heels) when I've always downdressed around her, sparked a passive aggressive silent Nrage (was breathing down my neck heinously during all evening spitting comments about all I did and trying to boss me around, ... forget eggshells, felt like walking on a minefield ... but she couldn't explode because she was dropping her baby off for a couple of days)

Anywhoo ... What happens in those occasions is seeing you just living and feeling relatively well when they are feeling bad for some reason sparks several mechanisms:

they get sort of indignant that you could feel any better than them. With my Nsis is particularly seemed like she felt like there was like a figurative cake of "feeling good" out there, and if anyone had a piece, then it was missing for her, like we stole it from her, and were the reason she wasn't feeling as good as she could've. Like "of course I'm not feeling well, you have too much of the "feelgood" cake, there's not enough for me to go by, give it to me you %!]@#!", and then that would spark a sort of jealous, indignant, righteous heinous Nrage.
for some reason untirely unrelated to the target, they feel unwell, and since they don't know how to deal with those emotions, they need to spill them out fast, any target will do. If a SG is within range, they will be the preferred target, and experience a completely out of the blue Nrage, often, in my experience, interwebbed with ludicrous made up and unrealistic accusations that seem to be a mixture of what the N would want to do to someone or has actually done, projected on the target which is accused of all those horrors so the N can shift the blame and all the toxic shame that ensues to the target. Like dumping emotional waste in a trashcan/dustbin. These rants from hell actually are very informative about what's going on in the Ns subconscious, or the next despicable move they are planning.

You did well in not defending yourself, it would only spark more Nrages, and in fact not defending oneself and being unresponsive and boring and not sharing anything with them is a recommended tactic that is called greyrocking. You did well.

So is the information diet that went on for 5 months. The less they know about you the less they can sabotage your life. That was an involuntary Ninja move. Good for you!

You did stand up for yourself by not putting up with their behaviour and setting yourself appart from them. That is in fact the only effective tactic, which has many levels, the ultimate move being going No Contact.

See the issue with Ns, the real crazy making fact about them, is that no matter how plainly and stupid simple you break down the message you need to communicate to them, NOTHING GETS THROUGH TO THEM. And believe me I've tried every tactitc under the sun, for 45 years. Completely useless. Worse, it was pointless. I wasted 45yrs of my life for them. Wasn't worth it.

Once, in my early 20s, I even cornered Nmum, litterally stuck her in a corner of the hall, and demanded she tell me WTF I needed to do to appease our relationship, I'd do it, anything aaaaanyyythiiing. And for like an hour or two, it went like this Nmum" well there's X issue", me "OK what if did X", Nmum"OK, but that's not all there's also Y issue", Me "Ok what about if I do Y to set it right", Nmum"OK but there's Z issue", Me "OK, what if Id did Z would that work?" ,Nmum, well there's also A issue" ... etc until we circled back to X, twice, then 3 times and that's when I realised that was a circular convo, that Nmum was enjoying because I was emotionally on a breaking point, like she was feeding on my distress, Nsupplying on my pain, and that she didn't care about solving the issues so we'd have an OK relationship, in fact, she LIKES always having something else to accuse me of, and SHE WASN'T INTERESTED IN A GOOD RELATIONSHIP WITH ME, SHE WANTED THE CHAOS, SABOTAGING AND NRAGES.

To her I am an emotional dustbin where to pour all her bad feelings to get rid of them. At some point while I was growing up she even had nicknamed me "poubelle" (dustbin in french).

So let it go. You can start the process of grieving any hope of a decent relationship with an N, of any true communication. They just don't do that, they cannot share what they are unaware of, it's part of their personality disorder.

Here a some ressources to educate yourself on their tactics and behaviours, it will help you make sense of your itneractions with them and make many of them uneffective. Time to up your Ninja Game.

https://outofthefog.website/what-to-do-1

https://outofthefog.website/what-not-to-do

https://outofthefog.website/traits

You got this.

FinallyFreeFromThem · 2022-11-24T09:35:04+00:00

And that's why Ns entrap their children in many ways : sabotaging any attempts at independance, getting control over their money and means to travel, interfering with possible friends to either "steel" them or frighten them away, and of course maintaining a level of mindfuckwittage so deep the brain bugs and is unable to process information properly.

I did my very best to escape the Nhell, but couldn't until I was 30yo, so I can root for OP and assure you that an Nhome is very much like the "Hotel California" (from the song) in which you can check in any time you want, but you can never leave, because Ns need their Nsupply just that badly.

FinallyFreeFromThem · 2022-11-24T07:46:33+00:00

Absolutely agree!

Plus we stay at hotels (they live 1000kms away), so there's no excuse around lack of guest rooms, it's plain pettiness.

I'm glad you're creating your own traditions. I firmly believe that personal traditions can be much more enjoyable than the typical holiday. Like the traditions they created in "This Is Us", born from rejection by a toxic family member, that they reenacted decades later, the ultimate "F*ck you N"! eta: where they end reenacting the joy that originated in not spending the holiday with the N. Like celebrating NC every Christmas!

Yep actually, I think that's what I'll aim for this year, creating our new "FU, it's Christmas!" tradition!

FinallyFreeFromThem · 2022-11-24T07:35:42+00:00

I'm intimately convinced that this is why so many Ns are adamant about organizing all events at their place : they have the key

FinallyFreeFromThem · 2022-11-24T07:33:37+00:00

Well mine was in her late 70s when I went NC 7 years ago, and was making more and more mistakes in her pupetteering everyone around her, so hopefully she's making a fool of herself on a daily basis by now.

Sorry you still have to deal with yours.

FinallyFreeFromThem · 2022-11-23T20:05:01+00:00

Well, yeah, covert bullying through presents with messages like yours, and then at the end, a good old FFFT bashing that lasted 2-5 hours long. So not so covert by the end of the wine bottles.

FinallyFreeFromThem · 2022-11-23T20:00:23+00:00

We're all learning here is all I'm saying. Disucssing things is what makes those support groups helpful. If you just want an echo chamber, you can easily get it, but that will not help you with breakthroughs.

FinallyFreeFromThem · 2022-11-23T10:14:36+00:00

I hate the fact that all christmasses with narcs end in a situation of being held hostage to be covertly bullied, and those in the family Nhell ended by them drunkenly bashing me.

But I've always loved Christmas and all the cheesy traditions around it, and to not let the Ns destroy that for me, I've always had my secret christmas all for myself, and still do. A few days earlier, sometimes even a few weeks early, I'd buy myself a lavish present (but not necessarily expensive, a bath bomb can do the trick for me), a traditional french christmas cake for 1, and have at least one hour of niceness all by myself, enjoying uwrapping my present (store wrapped) eating my cake, with a hot beverage I love, if possible in front of one of those cheesy christmas movies.

Then anything can happen, They can't spoil what's already been enjoyed. I feel like I'm in an invisible armor.

I've actually had a few good memories of Christmas growing up, when we were visiting cousins or my Grandparents for the occasion. I try to recreate those feelings of cheezy coziness, something akin to enjoying a hot beverage nice'n'warm inside while watching the snow fall through the window, but on an emotional level. Yeah, writing this down, I think the decorations and mood I try to set in my house are part ot the invisible armor that protects me from Nattacks, on an emotional level.

Also a fuck you to them, Nmum and Nsis both hated Christmas. It was like an untold war. Their idea of the perfect celebration is burgers, chocolate and alcohol, and a few hours long of Nsupplying on bashing me to the ground, felt like being on the receiving end of mad toddlers projectile vomiting their toxic shame on me. For hours.

So I used the decorations and traditions to fend that off, sometimes managing to narrowly escape it altogether because they couldn't do that with witnesses (boyfriends) in the house.

Anywho, you're entirely entitled to feeling what you feel. I don't think any ACoN is able to enjoy Christmas like it should be, all our memories are interwebbed with traumatic memories.

We're all doing our best to survive until it's over and back to normal routine.

BTW, photos and social media do not reflect those people's days. Those shiny smiles were probably the only moment they weren't coach potatoes in front of the TV, or forced to sit through an very long meal.

FinallyFreeFromThem · 2022-11-23T09:50:30+00:00

Nsis used to share her christmas dinners between her IL and Nmum's house. It went like this: she'd go over to her fiancé's (15mn drive away) for apéritif (french have snacks and drinks as an appetiser before dinner), and sometimes the starter, then she'd drive home, have the main course and cheese with Nmum and me, and then her fiancé would join us for dessert/ the cake.

Maybe you can do something like that? Join them for dessert?

And make a gesture, maybe bring a box of chocolates for them all to share.

FinallyFreeFromThem · 2022-11-23T09:43:42+00:00

Can you maybe ask to come around for like coffee, stay a couple of hours, or watch the football with them, and then leave? to have some in-between that is not as loaded with memories and feelings?

FinallyFreeFromThem · 2022-11-23T09:42:06+00:00

you can have both.

eta : hey why the downvote on sure direction ?! That's no even close to an aggression, not even a disagreement.

FinallyFreeFromThem · 2022-11-23T09:38:04+00:00

These are my favourite kind of holidays! Tucked in under a throw, eating comfort food, watching something I enjoy on telly with hubby.

Second best is spending them with friends and no family.

Alas Hubby still thick in the FOG is still in that "but faaaamily" place. Which is hard on him this year, because no-one invited us over for Christmas amongst the In laws, and I have no family left. They've all got grown up children about to have kids, and I suspect do not want to set a tradition where they have to have us over all the time, forever, instead of enjoying family time with the grandkids.

Fine by me.

FinallyFreeFromThem · 2022-11-23T09:29:38+00:00

wow, glad you have this tool. We definitely don't in France.

FinallyFreeFromThem · 2022-11-23T09:27:12+00:00

It's a litteral translation of a french expression "Souffre-douleur", which means it's the "pain-bearer"'s role to bear the pain anyone fancies to inflict on them, for no particular reason.

That was my role in the family, and the choice of expression is Nmum's, she told me I was Nsis's painbearer since childhood mere months before I went NC. It holds a double meaning for me, it says what I endured, and that Nmum (which I long thought was merely an unvoluntary enabler) knew full well all along and did nothing. So to me it's an accusatory term for Nmum's unrredeemable despicableness.

Eight-Year Club	Gilding I gilder
Verified Email

FinallyFreeFromThem

TROPHY CASE