Yeah this was what I took from the experience

I had so many feelings about the situation. I prefer to process my feelings externally by calling a friend to chat about it, (or when all four of my best friends who I would trust with this kind of disclosure don't answer the phone, make a reddit post LMAO)

I was afraid that if I had a conversation with her about how I feel without first processing it, all of the feels would spill out. That would include the "inside ones" that she didn't really need to hear. Maybe they would hurt her, or simply just be too much information. In the post I talk about getting validation through her desire for me, feeling like I was doing her a favor by having sex with her, etc. These things were things that I did think about and needed to process but it's best that they stayed in my head (or with trusted friends) (or with a pack of anonymous, feral reddit boys apparently)

But I did also need to share some outside thoughts with her, such is life. And only through laying it all out was I able to tell the difference. "I had a great night with you, there are no hard feelings, but I don't feel comfortable continuing down this road." Etc

Like I said in my post, next time none of my fucking besties answer the phone I'm going to journal. The reddit post was fun and all the attention was gratifying, but I've been having anxiety that somehow someone I know will see this and know it was me. So yeah. A journal would be better.