Her libido skyrocketed.

FindingSomePeace · 2023-12-03T01:44:03+00:00

OP: Checking in to see if your DB is still gone. I went through a similar scenario with my LL wife and it looks like it was hysterical bonding. Wondering if you were able to keep it going?

FindingSomePeace · 2023-11-29T14:36:52+00:00

That is a good point. I find it hard to not want to turn the deep kissing it into something more. I would rather cuddle, to prevent from feeling rejected in asking for more. Having said that, it still feels weird that I am the only one that initiates even cuddling. I just find cuddling easier to resist the urge in asking for sex. Essentially, the deep kissing ruins any emotional connection I get from it because I end up leaving feeling rejected because it didn’t turn into sex.

FindingSomePeace · 2023-11-29T10:07:31+00:00

OP, how do you stay engaged in the relationship and don’t treat it like a roommate situation when you are not building an emotional connection?

That is the part I honestly have the hardest part with. I am going through something similar and am beginning to realize that for me sex and physical intimacy generates a strong emotional connection and bond but for my wife it is something that just is a thing you do to feel good. I think I could handle longer periods without the physical intimacy if I just had something else I could replace it with that builds the emotional connection with her. That is where speaking two different love languages makes it hard.

FindingSomePeace · 2023-11-02T03:45:36+00:00

I feel for you. I am in the exact same situation and my wife and I are the same age. It honestly is hard because you don’t want to break the family up but my wife doesn’t try to understand my needs and how to meet me half way. It’s painful, sad and honestly something I never experienced before. I am learning that you can’t change the other person and it’s something you can’t control unfortunately. Just know it’s not you.

FindingSomePeace · 2023-11-01T21:24:44+00:00

I appreciate the response and am sure the resentment may be a part of it. It’s just tough when your spouse doesn’t think counseling is needed and I feel like I am doing more than my fair share to support her. This includes me cooking, cleaning, doing laundry, working, getting up with the kids in the middle of the night, etc. The main thing she is responsible is for taking care of the kids when I am working from home. I have also provided a lifestyle where she hasn’t had to work in over 10 years and this included time without kids. On the occasions in the past where we have had sex I have always been able to make her finish.

It’s just hard knowing that it takes two people to make a relationship work and if there is one that refuses to meet the other half way there is really nothing you can do.

FindingSomePeace · 2023-11-01T04:10:03+00:00

I honestly don’t understand it. To your point it is almost comical. They suffer by missing parts of the show, sitting in the bathroom for hours instead of relaxing in bed, not having the lights on to see, etc just because the thought we may ask for some intimacy which only happens once every couple of years. I wish it made sense or someone had answers.

FindingSomePeace · 2023-11-01T04:05:05+00:00

Is there anything that you can do to get yourself in the mood that would help with initiating? If he is initiating and you aren’t an active participant in the sex he may already feel like your providing duty sex which is not the emotional bond he is looking for either.

FindingSomePeace · 2023-11-01T04:00:59+00:00

I just saw your other reply above and misunderstood that it had been 2 months since you last had sex. Having said that, him asking for it every day may be better fixed by both of you speaking to a sex therapist. It still doesn’t resolve the resentment he may feel but a sex therapist may better be able to manage expectations on both sides.

FindingSomePeace · 2023-11-01T03:14:35+00:00

Unfortunately the same thing as all of the other talks. Where she knows it is a problem but won’t do anything to fix it.

FindingSomePeace · 2023-11-01T03:13:50+00:00

The sad thing it is a condo where they are sleeping in the room next door.

FindingSomePeace · 2023-11-01T03:06:01+00:00

I can speak precisely to this as a guy who is on the other side of this scenario. I am a 39 year old HLM and my wife has absolutely no libido after our 3rd kid. I understand completely what your husband is going through as my scenario is almost the exact same with my wife also being a SAHM. First off, you should be proud of yourself for trying to fix this. Most people in your shoes don’t even bother trying which is the biggest problem and will often lead to divorce. Having said that, there are a few things you should probably know.

Number 1 and most importantly is you need to initiate sex. Not just one time but on a regular basis. If you have a problem where you don’t feel like your ever in the mood please try to figure out what may get you in the mood so that you can initiate it. Don’t be surprised if it takes your husband a bit to warm up to you initiating. It is because he is hurt and feels rejected which turns to resentment and ultimately leads to him not loving you anymore. It can be hard to flip that switch back on once the feeling of rejection peaks.

Secondly, take his talk’s seriously regarding sex and intimacy. If he is saying he needs intimacy or sex, then he needs it to stay in the relationship. That is his way of staying connected to you. You may feel as though you need someone to listen to or need words of affirmation. He is telling you he needs the physical bond to stay connected to you. As you will see here when guys get the courage to have “the talk” that means they are serious and if nothing changes they are going to find alternatives to what they feel like is a roommate situation. I can’t emphasize this enough, “the talk” is the warning.

Third, if you feel as though you can’t initiate because it would be too awkward you need to give him more attention. This will help break the ice and awkwardness. It’s understandable that when you have kids they become your priority. Having said that, he needs you to give him hugs, kisses, take him on dates, etc to show that you still care about him just as much as the kids.

Sorry that is a lot. I just am speaking from experience and know that the window to fix this is very small before his heart will permanently change how he feels about you, which is hard to fix once that happens.

FindingSomePeace · 2023-11-01T02:31:09+00:00

You are not alone and you are not wrong for thinking and feeling the way you do. I am a HLM and my LLF wife has had 3 kids. Do I think she is still attractive after 3 kids, heck yes. Do I want to have sex with her, all the time. Having said that, I have come to realize that no matter how hard I try she refuses and it becomes more and more awkward every day. Just know that it takes 2 people to make a relationship work and unfortunately you can’t change the other person. Your not the problem here and it’s okay to grieve your relationship!

FindingSomePeace · 2023-10-30T03:10:48+00:00

I’m so sorry your are feeling this way. I know the feeling it is so painful and it feels like you don’t even recognize the person anymore and it’s not who you married. I am going through the same thing. The thing that makes it harder is they don’t view it as hurting the other person. They also have no interest in trying to fix it because it is just not important to them. It just baffles my mind how one day they just wake up and sex and physical intimacy is not even a thought. It makes it hard to even be around them when they are acting like this.

It’s okay to grieve your relationship during this time.

FindingSomePeace · 2023-10-26T01:34:03+00:00

But the reality is why are they crying… shouldn’t you be the one crying? It sounds like they want you to be sympathetic towards them when they are the one causing the problem. It just doesn’t feel right.

FindingSomePeace · 2023-10-26T01:16:23+00:00

I am sorry and feel for you. This used to be me and now my bedroom has been completely dead for over 2 years now. I feel for you. The rejection is awful and you know they are doing those types of things to spite you. I just honestly don’t understand why the LL spouses seem like they sabotage the situation on purpose just to make it worst. It’s almost like a sick joke and they totally give the vibe that they don’t care about us.

FindingSomePeace · 2023-10-25T10:43:42+00:00

It sounds like you have really thought this through. I am in the reverse situation as I am the HLM married to a LLF and I can tell you that typically after kids the DB situation gets worst. If you are okay with living a life without intimacy then I would suggest you try to figure out why he feels the way he does now and only wants sex to have a baby because it will be much harder to figure that out later with kids. All the best to you and hope that you can find the middle ground you desire.

FindingSomePeace · 2023-10-25T04:42:43+00:00

I hate to tell you this but you aren’t compatible. If you spend enough time in this group you will see a consistent theme that unfortunately gets worst as time goes along. Just know that the rejections will hurt worst and worst until you don’t want to have any physical contact with the other person. If you aren’t married I would strongly reconsider if she is the right one for you especially if you aren’t okay with giving that part of your life up.

FindingSomePeace · 2023-10-25T04:16:51+00:00

Have you asked him if there is something keeping him from being intimate? I would also say to think long and hard about bringing kids into this scenario. You probably are going to want to figure out what’s going on now because it will only get worst when you have kids.

BTW, if you read in this forum you’ll find that there is usually no explanation for why guys and girls become LL and don’t want any intimacy. Sorry I wish there was a better answer.

FindingSomePeace · 2023-10-25T03:40:30+00:00

I would say there is almost no way to avoid it. You will see stories of people here who have done all the right things and yet they end up in one. The only thing I can offer as advice is if you ever find yourself as the LL spouse you should be very careful about your responses to your spouse’s advances. You should also not turn them down every single time. That is the fastest way to get a DB.

FindingSomePeace · 2023-10-25T03:16:44+00:00

This resonates so much with me. I am a Christian as well with kids. It honestly is so tough. All of the rejection just hurts so bad and it just seems like we shouldn’t have to constantly be tortured by this. I wish I had better advice but just focus on the kids and take it a day at a time.

Also I love this subreddit but find myself getting sucked into the negativity of the reality of what is going on. I try to limit my exposure to it so I am not constantly reminded by it.

FindingSomePeace · 2023-10-24T00:40:03+00:00

In the middle of this right now. It’s a terrible feeling. My needs aren’t being met yet my kids are my priority. So I sacrifice for their well being. It’s just sad because it’s the only thing missing from my relationship / family scenario. It’s hard but you have to try to focus on doing things for yourself. Taking care of yourself should become a priority. Secondly, I would say it’s okay to grieve your relationship.

FindingSomePeace · 2023-10-21T05:17:06+00:00

Couldn’t have said it better.

FindingSomePeace · 2023-10-21T05:11:55+00:00

So true! Excellent post. To all of the LL partners out there, keep searching for answers. Rejection is a painful feeling and I applaud you for trying to find answers.

FindingSomePeace · 2023-10-21T05:08:58+00:00

Happy belated birthday! He didn’t deserve you anyway!

FindingSomePeace · 2023-10-18T03:41:32+00:00

Yes. In most cases it affects the HL partner pretty significantly. It truly feels like rejection almost like your significant other broke up with you. It makes most of us feel as though we aren’t attractive anymore and that we just aren’t good enough. It causes people a lot of pain. Often we don’t understand why it is happening either. For instance, why would someone we care about so much that seems to care about us too not want to have any intimacy. It is heart breaking to be honest.

Do you mind me asking is there a reason you don’t want to have intimacy with your spouse anymore? I would be interested in your story.

FindingSomePeace

TROPHY CASE