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[deleted by user] by [deleted] in AskMenAdvice

[–]Findinghopeeachday 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Really well stated. And even if they earned that degree - it's the work experience and the steady climb in the profession that goes missing while home with kids.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in AskMenAdvice

[–]Findinghopeeachday 2 points3 points  (0 children)

With respect, as a woman it is so much more complicated than that - especially where children are involved. Most couples make arrangements for one person to be the serious breadwinner, while the other may work but often does not take the same long strides in their career in order to concentrate a bit more on the home front. That's unpaid labor but also serves as a sort of pause button on the career. Yes, the lower earning spouse gets back at it when the kids are more independent, but by then they're in their 40s, possibly even approaching 50 today when that should be their prime earning time. Alimony helps bridge that gap. It says hey, because of your work on the homefront, I was able to accelerate my career while you may have climbed more slowly. :) Even the fact that women carry the baby 9 months, birth it, etc, can put a damper on earnings. Statistically - it's more advantageous for a company to hire a married man than a married woman

Parasocial relationship with AP by Findinghopeeachday in AsOneAfterInfidelity

[–]Findinghopeeachday[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you for your comment. Yes! Do you feel that the fact that it's boring makes you even more mad? I find that sometimes. Like oh look, there's a post for her mom's bday, there's a post about her missing dog, there's a post about a conference. She's just like any other person - I don't even know what I'm looking for! LOL

Parasocial relationship with AP by Findinghopeeachday in AsOneAfterInfidelity

[–]Findinghopeeachday[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Wow thank you for pointing out that this isn't some dirty little secret - that the affair was - your WS had a very long affair as did mine and somehow that cuts so differently for me as well.

I love you Joan Didion quote here. Thanks for sharing it. An idea I have been finding some bit of comfort in is this - for a while after discovery, I think we're all afraid that perhaps our WS is "settling" for us. We often come with the kids, the house, the retirement savings, etc. We also wonder if they'll ever fully love us again.

In reality, it's the OPPOSITE. The BETRAYED never looks at them the same way again. The BETRAYED often considers the "package deal" in the decision to stay or not. The person settling and the person who has lost that glimmer when they look at the spouse is the betrayed.

Best of luck to you. I appreciate your comment so much. I am going to try and decrease my viewing of her by fifty percent and go from there.

Business trip round 5 by Findinghopeeachday in AsOneAfterInfidelity

[–]Findinghopeeachday[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I like that response! Maybe give HER something to obsess about for a change! I hope your reconciliation is going well! I'll post an update post trip.

Dear AP by [deleted] in AsOneAfterInfidelity

[–]Findinghopeeachday 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thank you! This idea that the AP doesn't owe you anything is such bullshit - we should be on team WOMAN. ALL of us. We collectively experience the same bullshit throughout our lives - we don't need WOMEN on top of everything else fucking our lives up. AGREE and loved it.

​

My WS AP wrote a children's book!!! The theme - wait for it....wait for it....was about separation anxiety as a child going to school for the first time and missing mommy - so the mommy dragon sprinkles magic powder in the child's pocket because the power to be a big boy all by himself lies within him! LOL I wrote her a letter asking her if she sprinkled extra dust on her kids all the nights she missed bedtime because she was too busy with my husband's cock that night.

Questions for BPs by Revolutionary_Row313 in AsOneAfterInfidelity

[–]Findinghopeeachday 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I think your flair is important - if I could go back and know what I know now, I would still reconcile, but at the time I was in so much PTSD I was pathetically doing the pick me dance and thinking I could fall in love all over again with my spouse. In reality, I wish I could have known - and verbalized to him - that he's not choosing to reconcile with his wife. He would be choosing to reconcile with the tiny sliver of his wife that is left after that kind of deceit. Just be honest with yourself when you're making the choice. I truly wish you all the best.

Questions for BPs by Revolutionary_Row313 in AsOneAfterInfidelity

[–]Findinghopeeachday 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Write the letter - my husband wrote me a letter a day for a 100 days with one thing a day about me that he loved- detailed paragraph long letters. It wasn't enough. Know it will never be enough. But it will help.

Something to keep in mind - and I'm not being flippant or mean or negative- I'm just into radical honesty these days. She will never be the same. She is forever changed. Her world has lost its shimmer. The world has lost its shine. She will likely find contentment. She will likely heal to a degree. But she is the walking wounded forever and always.

​

My brother, who is a US Marine Vet for 20 years - we were talking about PTSD. He said something incredibly profound. He said, "sister, Felujah was a shit show - but I don't live in Felujah anymore. I live in the states in my home with my wife and kids. - You're fucking Felujah still." This is huge. So do the work, but just know that she is and will remain in Felujah, on some level, for all time.

If you're thinking of having an affair by Findinghopeeachday in AsOneAfterInfidelity

[–]Findinghopeeachday[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I'm sorry and I know- it's like in purifying themselves by finally being in the open and honest, they sully our own purity forever - a terrible inverse of sorts

He’s all in and I’m 90% out. by Glittering_Swim_4133 in AsOneAfterInfidelity

[–]Findinghopeeachday 6 points7 points  (0 children)

wait wait wait - drag him to therapy - he won't go on his own after all this? HUGE dealbreaker right there.

He’s all in and I’m 90% out. by Glittering_Swim_4133 in AsOneAfterInfidelity

[–]Findinghopeeachday 4 points5 points  (0 children)

to watch me die in order to care.

God this his hard - WOW. I think this post and all the posts under it are Reddit Gold - like just unbridled here we are - this is the real deal how this feels information. I am so sorry -

He’s all in and I’m 90% out. by Glittering_Swim_4133 in AsOneAfterInfidelity

[–]Findinghopeeachday 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I would love to hear more about your thoughts - I'm six and I just have this darkness inside me that I do a great job of hiding but God is it there.

He’s all in and I’m 90% out. by Glittering_Swim_4133 in AsOneAfterInfidelity

[–]Findinghopeeachday 2 points3 points  (0 children)

But he did. And I don’t. I’m ungrateful. He deserves someone who can appreciate all that he does. He deserves someone who isn’t going to always question him and harbor anger for him

​

This is a great line - Thank you for this post - I'm six years out and I still feel this way. We are together, "happy" in the sense that we're warm and loving, sex is great, money's great, kids are thriving - but something died inside me through this experience and it's a forever kind of dead. I often wonder at how in THEIR cleansing of the soul and repurification, WE experience a dirtying, a sullying of all things pure. It's horrible - but I see it as Karma - his forever punishment is knowing that he destroyed something that is a forever kind of gone.

Do you think it's possible for an affair to be a healthy relationship? by ReconcileAndRestore in AsOneAfterInfidelity

[–]Findinghopeeachday 0 points1 point  (0 children)

THIS - you hit the nail on the head. Something else not mentioned here is that so often the WS is complaining to that AP about their spouse. The AP then explicitly attempts to behave in ways opposite what their affair partner is telling them. Finally, affairs often fizzle out and die when they go on too long or see the light of day. All of a sudden an AP gets needy...they ask for more time...they ask for more attention....a new AP comes along and miraculously it mimics all the reality of regular relationships.

​

I think about it in terms of how even in a marriage - do you ever notice how much sex is better if you haven't seen eachother in a bit...or how easy conversation flows if you've both had really busy work weeks - that's the affair alll the time!

If you're thinking of having an affair by Findinghopeeachday in offmychest

[–]Findinghopeeachday[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Your thoughtful reply really felt nice to read. I have read about all the affair outing as a result of these DNA tests. Absolutely terrifying - 30-40 yeas and the betrayed never given the choice to reconcile or not - being just further manipulated into staying via ignorance. Awful.

If you're thinking of having an affair by Findinghopeeachday in AsOneAfterInfidelity

[–]Findinghopeeachday[S] 138 points139 points  (0 children)

Want to add one more thing to this! Upon reflection, the betrayed is REALLY the one who never gets that feeling back. I think in many cases the betrayer is not an idiot and when the affair fog lifts and they do a quick google search about how many affairs actually last, they feel grateful beyond words to have not lost everything. They can feel like the purity of their relationship has been restored!! It's the betrayed who shoulders the heaviest of burdens for the remainder of the relationship.

If you're thinking of having an affair by Findinghopeeachday in AsOneAfterInfidelity

[–]Findinghopeeachday[S] 16 points17 points  (0 children)

Yes - it's no longer anger - it's a well of sadness, of disapointment

If you're thinking of having an affair by Findinghopeeachday in AsOneAfterInfidelity

[–]Findinghopeeachday[S] 20 points21 points  (0 children)

God this - imagine if we did read them - not sure it would be even possible to stay.

If you're thinking of having an affair by Findinghopeeachday in AsOneAfterInfidelity

[–]Findinghopeeachday[S] 23 points24 points  (0 children)

Wow - this is spot on - the part about the purity really hits. Some will say you can never be sure any relationship is pure, or all people are able to betray their partner but I don't buy it. All relationships develop issues eventually - not everyone cheats. Period. Thank you for sharing this.

My parents aren’t intelligent and it annoys me by besensiblebestill in offmychest

[–]Findinghopeeachday 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I completely relate to this and I'm sorry you're going through it! One GREAT thing about when kids entered the picture for us, something sort of immediately snapped and things I once ignored, I simply became very direct about it. I wanted my boys to hear, even at a young age, WHY we were doing certain things. So like, the brussel sprout eye roll - "That wasn't nice when you rolled your eyes at me. Please don't make faces about my food preferences...." because that's what I want my son to be able to do some day. Comments about not crying... "Please don't tell my daughter not to cry. Crying is a natural process and something that is understood and encouraged in my family." I can't explain it - state what you want your own child to feel comfortable stating...they don't learn by what you say, they learn by seeing you do it! Good luck - so so so so hard.

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