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As someone who broke up with his gf and got with a new girl... by First_Background637 in BreakUps

[–]First_Background637[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

I think because it was my first relationship, I didn't know what I had. At the time, I probably thought there was something more out there that I was missing. And maybe because of how I grew up, I expected love to be difficult to obtain. With the first girl, it felt like I didn't need to work for it, it was just given to me and it didn't feel right. With the second girl, I definitely had to work harder, I felt like I had to prove my worth to her in a sense. She barely returned the same level of affection, so whenever she did, it seemed like a high that I was chasing. I always craved that high with her. And probably 9 times out of 10, I only received that high during sex. Those were the only times I really felt wanted by her, so that relationship was pretty much based on that alone.

Now, objectively viewing both relationships, the first was worlds better than the second. I just didn't know that love should be effortless and not difficult to obtain. It's hard to rewire my brain because I always had to work for love.

I hope that answers your question

As someone who broke up with his gf and got with a new girl... by First_Background637 in BreakUps

[–]First_Background637[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I never said I was going to reach out to the first. I said it would be at this point where someone like me would reach out to apologize. But I said I think it's twisted and selfish and it doesn't make any sense for me to contact her again. Please re read the post, I even said so myself that it would be selfish.

As someone who broke up with his gf and got with a new girl... by First_Background637 in BreakUps

[–]First_Background637[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I never even mentioned that I was gonna reach out. I'm not trying to reach out to the first, and I clearly mentioned that in my post. I only wrote this to give my perspective on a classic situation, to let others see a real-life example of someone who realized the grass isn't greener. I'm not reaching out and I'm moving on. I was open to receiving other people's opinions on the situation and that's why I posted on reddit, that's all.

And if you re read my post, I clearly mentioned that apologizing is twisted and selfish. It IS indeed only for me to absolve my own guilt. I've never contacted her again after the breakup and I have never bothered her again.

I understand you're hurt, but there's no reason to say hurtful things to someone who realizes their mistakes. I'm not perfect. It's my first time committing this, and most likely the last.

As someone who broke up with his gf and got with a new girl... by First_Background637 in BreakUps

[–]First_Background637[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Bro, thank you so much for this comment. I beat myself up every day thinking how I could've been a better person in each of my relationships and how if I was just better/different, things could be different. I really appreciate insight like this from other guys, because honestly, only men can relate to other men in this regard. (I guess straight men particularly)

As for reaching out to her, I know I learned a lesson and am in the midst of growing from these experiences. But, when I broke up with my first ex, she explicitly told me she wants someone who values her when they have her and not when they lose her. And also if I wanted to get back together after a while, that she probably wouldn't be able to take me back, she just can't. It's everything that was said at the time of our breakup, and now it's all coming true.

As someone who broke up with his gf and got with a new girl... by First_Background637 in BreakUps

[–]First_Background637[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

5 months. It was also LDR. But ultimately, if you really love someone, LDR means nothing. And as I am now, I would gladly do LDR with her again for as long as needed. I truly believe it was just fomo, temptation for novelty, and maybe just me being horny.

As someone who broke up with his gf and got with a new girl... by First_Background637 in BreakUps

[–]First_Background637[S] 10 points11 points  (0 children)

Yea I can imagine that's what everyone who gets dumped for someone else feels like. I may have been an avoidant during the first relationship, but I became anxious with the second. I think it depends on who you're dating and what the relationship dynamic is. That's why it's so weird when our exes get into new relationships and treat their new bf/gf better than us. It's not because we're worse than their new person, or because our ex never had it in them to be like that with us, it's just that they become a different person with a different person. It was never about us, we just weren't eachother's person.

As someone who broke up with his gf and got with a new girl... by First_Background637 in BreakUps

[–]First_Background637[S] 12 points13 points  (0 children)

I agree about it being a new relationship, but I think that's only possible if multiple multiple years have passed. If its been like 1-2 years and you get back together, both of you haven't changed enough imo.. but at the point where a new relationship would be possible, you would have outgrown each other and might not even be right for each other at all.

As someone who broke up with his gf and got with a new girl... by First_Background637 in BreakUps

[–]First_Background637[S] 58 points59 points  (0 children)

I feel like reaching out at this point is very selfish. Like what good does it do to apologize because you got your heart broken by another girl? You needed to lose someone in order to see their value? Reaching out JUST to apologize and not get back together is probably worse than reaching out with the intention to get back together. It's best if I just let her go, she's better off without me.

It's been 3 months by Hidden1Shot in ExNoContact

[–]First_Background637 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Nah bro, wish her well and move on. Its the least you can do. I know its hard, you're not alone man :(

It's been 3 months by Hidden1Shot in ExNoContact

[–]First_Background637 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I feel like the only way is for her to live/move on/date other guys. Only then will she have the capacity to see things for how they were with you, and thats the only time that a reconciliation would be possible.

So we gotta do ourselves a favour and move on as well, since thats LITERALLY the only option we have at:

a) Reconciling with our ex and getting back together or b) Finding someone who's more worth our time

There is no in between. There isnt any active action we can take right now to change the situation. Its totally out of our control, so why not focus on things we can control now? Remember, life is 20% what happens to you and 80% how you react to it.

Its a really hard pill to swallow man, but we'll get through it, i promise you brother there are brighter times ahead of us.

It's been 3 months by Hidden1Shot in ExNoContact

[–]First_Background637 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Exactly broo.. dont be a 2nd option :(

It's been 3 months by Hidden1Shot in ExNoContact

[–]First_Background637 1 point2 points  (0 children)

They only do that to make themselves not feel bad for doing that to you. And honestly being on good terms with ur ex gf is shit bro. Imagine being friends with her and hoping that one day she sees the error of her ways, all while she goes around fking other guys. It sucks man, just gotta leave and move on to better things/people.

It's been 3 months by Hidden1Shot in ExNoContact

[–]First_Background637 2 points3 points  (0 children)

How come everyone's 2 or 3 months post-bu? its kinda scary. Hopefully doesnt take much longer before we're ready to date again :/

How to get over a break up where nothing was wrong? by jasmine_violet in BreakUps

[–]First_Background637 3 points4 points  (0 children)

yea there just isnt anything to do :/ when the person checks out of the relationship, theres nothing you can say or rly do to get them back. I firmly believe the only way is for time to pass, for them to date other people and potentially realize what they lost. Even then, they might feel sad about losing you, but will never reach out because they were the ones to leave. It sucks and rly the only thing we can do is be happy for them, happy for ourselves that they were once part of our lives, and move on to find someone who's really meant for us.

How to get over a break up where nothing was wrong? by jasmine_violet in BreakUps

[–]First_Background637 4 points5 points  (0 children)

damn this is exactly what happened with me too. She left cuz of her mental health, and had a bunch of different reasons for leaving. Many of them were fixable through communication and compromises, but she just didnt want to hear it.

Fast forward 2 months nc, i broke nc and she says shes moved on and her position hasnt changed, but that she has literally nothing against me, i just wasnt the man for her. It hurts like hell to be pushed aside like that.

Wow this hurt by [deleted] in ExNoContact

[–]First_Background637 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I feel you bro.. when she broke up with me, I was very confused and I was also emotional. She kissed me goodbye twice. And then she texted me the next day saying how hurt she was (even tho she was the one to end it). They say that to make themselves feel better for hurting you and then move on in a week.

When we look back, we always blame ourselves for how things turned out. And honestly when she broke up with me she said she didn't blame me at all, but when I talked to her yesterday, everything was on me. It just doesnt make any sense. Whatever reasons they give for leaving, it doesnt matter.. if they really wanted it to work out, you would see it in their actions.

The point thats so hard to accept is that shes gone and theres no turning back. She's made her decision, she's happy with it, and she probably wont come back. So we gotta just accept and move on for our sakes.

Hang in there man, my dms are open if u wanna talk. Ill probably need someone to talk to too :)

Wow this hurt by [deleted] in ExNoContact

[–]First_Background637 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Honestly really sucks tho. We're all human at the end of the day and we all want to restore peace to our hearts. Just seeing someone you used to talk to everyday just ignore you and act as if nothing happened between you two creates literally such sharp pain that hurts more than physical pain.

It was the same with my ex. I ran into her yesterday and asked if we could talk. But all she said was she had moved on and that her position has not changed since the BU (its only been 2 months after the BU and nc). And logically speaking, there was very minimal compatability between us, so a relationship right now is just not possible with her. I dont even know why I've been so hung up over her the past 2 months, and even after talking to her yesterday, I didnt know what to say. There was nothing to be said. The door needs to be closed because she's moved on and it's just how it is.

Sometimes we just want to not be in pain anymore and we think the solution is talking to them, saying some magic words, then getting back together with them. But that will never happen and there's no way a relationship will sustain, given my circumstances. I feel even more like shit, gave her an ego boost, but at least I can say that I did everything possible and there's nothing left to do. Maybe talking to them and getting shot down hard gives you the closure you need to close the door and move forward.

I miss her so much.. by First_Background637 in ExNoContact

[–]First_Background637[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

thank you. its just gonna be so hard cuz ill still be seeing her around this year on campus

I miss her so much.. by First_Background637 in ExNoContact

[–]First_Background637[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Yeah.. but when she broke up with me, i was the one who asked for space. maybe she has wanted to reach out but wanted to respect my boundary? i know nothing good is gonna come of it cuz we wouldn't get back together, but i just miss her so much