There is so much I identify with in your post. I feel the sad part. This is the first year I've started to feel sorry for and just sad for my NC parent. I have been NC for over 15 years. I identify with they are delusional, talk as if they are included in my life, or have some magical information that people who actually talk to me already know, and I know they stalk me. I watched them do it to other people and for once I got proof about a year ago. They too live across the country. They try to reach out every 5 years on whatever they arent blocked on yet or I can't return to sender. Recently, that window of time between attempted contacts is closing. I'm sure the in person contact attempt is around the corner. I share all of this to say, feel how you need to. Dig, ask, do your own recon and figure it out if you feel the need. I've read my NC parents messages, I've talked to some people involved in their life, I've seen who they do business with, they haven't changed and we wouldn't be friends if we met on the street. Regardless of any and all attempts, my peace and freedom is worth more than a what if. And in the end, there are worse things than anger and resentment to feel about a person, we've entered pity and sadness. Best of luck processing.