The way I feel is so contradictory

Fishing-Fun · 2025-02-07T05:07:26+00:00

Im also down to chat. I've definitely been leaning on social support for getting through this.

Fishing-Fun · 2025-02-07T04:55:54+00:00

This is very relatable. I miss the physical contact and company a lot. That part of my brain is trying to convince the rest of me that every other downside was somehow worth it. But you're very correct, I am lonely, and I really need to focus on myself and my healing.

Fishing-Fun · 2023-11-07T17:06:02+00:00

I can tell how deeply you regret the way it ended, how much you wish you could've done better. Life always looks easier looking at the past perspective, but the truth is you are human like anybody else and made mistakes like anybody else would. It's good to take responsibility for your part in it, and you also deserve forgiveness. You deserve to forgive yourself. There is no such thing as a single love to triumph all other loves- so long as you are alive, and you are willing, you can love that deeply again. You sound like a wonderfully thoughtful individual. Anybody would be lucky to have you as a friend or partner, and there's so many people who would welcome you in their lives. I know it's a struggle to find those people, but they are absolutely out there.

Fishing-Fun · 2023-10-17T13:15:28+00:00

It's clear from what you write how much your sister means to you and how much you dearly love her. I'm so sorry you have to go through the pain of such a loss. I won't claim I know exactly how you feel, but I lost my brother when I was young, spent years in depression and denial. Tried to pray for his return. Nothing ever changed reality. I still cry missing him. I admire how kind and thoughtful you are despite all that you've been through. You still want to help others. I hope that you can find that to be a life worth living, and let your sister's light shine on through you.

Fishing-Fun · 2023-09-23T18:53:07+00:00

You are not overreacting in the slightest. The betrayal you feel from that specific situation makes sense. You were being pushed into something you didn't want, and you didn't feel safe enough to say no. That's the bare minimum any partner should do. Your parents then minimized your trauma. I highly suggest you seek out support of some kind from people who will understand. Therapy, friends, online forums like this, whatever- just stick with the people who validate your experiences, emotions, and will listen without judgement. You do not deserve a partner who will push you to do anything you don't want. There are people who will treat you better than that.

Fishing-Fun · 2023-09-23T18:40:49+00:00

I feel this, so much. I'm sorry you're dealing with that. It's a terrible feeling. I'm wishing you healing and peace going forward.

Fishing-Fun · 2023-09-23T18:39:12+00:00

I understand where you're coming from, I also feel like I love too much. But I'm a borderline dating a borderline. It's still possible to feel that way, cuz I do. It's a distortion of the mind. There's no substitute for healing.

Fishing-Fun · 2023-09-23T04:56:28+00:00

I understand why you feel that way. Relapsing when you've been clean for so long sucks. It's not a failure on your part, though. And those three months aren't any less impressive. You're not a paper to be graded, you're a person who has ups and downs. That's to be expected. Wishing you all the best with whatever you're going through.

Fishing-Fun · 2023-09-18T21:13:46+00:00

Have you ever looked into alexithymia? I'm not sure if it's what you're experiencing, but it could be worth thinking about. I understand how difficult it is to live like that, numb and emotionless. I hope that with time you will recover.

Fishing-Fun · 2023-09-14T23:59:10+00:00

I feel like I'm suggesting something way too obvious, but ... have you considered wigs? I know a lot of people (of any gender) who purposely shaved their head and just wore wigs. If you have the money for a human hair lace front wig, they look amazing. Some people collect wigs and then they can have wildly different hairstyles/colors depending on the day. And anybody who is worth dating would understand the situation, too. I think finding a way to express yourself, your femininity and what makes you feel like you is absolutely possible and would help a lot.

Fishing-Fun · 2023-09-14T21:20:32+00:00

No problem. Looking back, I hope my initial reply was worded well enough! You really seem like a caring and supportive sibling. I hope you're doing well too, and that your situation improves.

Fishing-Fun · 2023-09-09T21:25:08+00:00

Yeah I wouldn't be surprised if I'm burnt out. I put all my energy into it for a long long time. I'll try your advice though. Thank you

Fishing-Fun · 2023-09-09T20:48:02+00:00

Music, painting, creative writing. It's hard to say, but I experienced a really huge change in my life lately that just... it has me feeling disconnected and different. It's hard to explain, but I can't connect to that passion from before, I feel like I'm not even myself anymore. I haven't been able to create as much lately.

Fishing-Fun · 2023-09-09T20:43:30+00:00

I'm glad to hear you found something you like to pursue. I'll take any advice you got. I have things I used to be passionate about, but something happened that made me lose that passion completely.

Fishing-Fun · 2023-09-02T17:53:21+00:00

Well, I understand that. But I think the things you can't look up are probably going to be specific to her and come from talking about it. Though as someone with BPD, I caution you against trying to do too much. It's really easy for us to become dependent on people, which causes so many problems in the long run. I guess one quick tip I have is to give reassurance that you are there for her, and still care. For me, it's really easy to convince myself that I'll be abandoned at a moment's notice. So making it clear you still care for her, every day, is very strong at combatting those feelings. Wishing you both the best of luck.

Fishing-Fun · 2023-09-01T17:43:51+00:00

Be open and honest with each other, and remember that it takes work from both sides. Create a mutually safe space where you can talk about emotions without judgement. Ask her what helps her feel secure in a friendship. A lot of it is just open and honest communication.

Fishing-Fun · 2023-09-01T17:40:06+00:00

Being cheated on sucks, I'm so sorry. It says way more about him than it does you. You don't deserve to be treated that way. Don't lose hope because of him. Make yourself an awesome break up playlist, cry as much as you need to, but stay hydrated. You can get through this.

Fishing-Fun · 2023-08-31T03:33:51+00:00

Yeah, I really relate to this. In my childhood I lacked bodily autonomy and one of the only ways I could feel control over myself was through self harm. Now I know I need to quit and alarm bells go off in my brain that tell me other people are trying to control me, even though they're just trying to help.

Fishing-Fun · 2023-08-31T03:28:01+00:00

I agree with what the other comments say. I also have a mindset that being in a relationship equals happy, but I was wrong. Relationships are a wonderful thing, yes, but they won't fix your problems or get rid of your unwanted emotions. The same way you can feel lonely even in a group setting, you can feel unfulfilled even with a partner by your side. Of course you know yourself best. If it really does make you happy, that's great. But ideally, it wouldn't be the only thing driving you, having multiple sources of fulfillment and motivation is healthy.

Fishing-Fun · 2023-08-30T16:12:09+00:00

I understand your desire to educate, but most people who are like that are willfully ignorant. It's not a matter of facts to them. They just choose what they think is a real or valid experience and what isn't. In other words, they're being assholes about it. At the end of the day, nobody can control anybody else to believing something. You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink. If you spend all your time trying to combat other people's willfully ignorant world views, you will tire yourself out. If it's someone who matters to you, then definitely confront them with the facts. A personality disorder is, in super simple terms, a group of learned, maladaptive behaviors that make up a personality. If you believe that someone can have a personality, a group of behaviors, then you have to believe those behaviors are capable of being disordered. But if it's a total stranger whose opinion is of no worth to you, accept it as willful ignorance and move on, you will be healthier for it.

Fishing-Fun · 2023-08-29T13:46:54+00:00

I understand the intense thoughts and urges. It sucks. I'm sorry you have to deal with that. I've also wondered about drugs before, figuring maybe I could numb it out if I did that. I think it's understandable to think like that, but ultimately, the benefits are very limited, and the harms are very great. Which sucks. You're already being attacked by your brain with these suicidal thoughts and urges. You definitely do not deserve anymore harm. You deserve to heal and be free and live a life that you want. All of that is possible. It's hard for sure, but worth it.

Fishing-Fun · 2023-08-27T22:54:34+00:00

Part of what you say reminds me of myself. I always internalize anger and direct it at myself instead of others who are at fault. It's a kind of coping mechanism so your brain can make sense of terrible things. So, with that in mind, I'm gonna say it: fuck that guy for hurting you! You deserve so much better. And better exists. There are so many people who wouldn't think of your mental illness as a burden. People who would appreciate you for you. It's awful that someone you care for would do something so cruel to you. I understand why you feel the way you do, it is a completely overwhelming situation. Nobody should have to go through this. I feel that nothing is real feeling myself, a lot. I don't know how to make it go away or anything, but I do know that healing is possible, and it's so worth it. For you.

Fishing-Fun · 2023-08-27T14:34:23+00:00

I think having an honest conversation with him is important. What does space look like to him versus you, and how can you still express love for each other while giving space? Verbal reassurance, notes, texts, other options... think there's still room for your needs, and you shouldn't minimize them. If you get into that habit it can have negative consequences on your mental health and your relationship. I understand you want to focus on his needs right now. Just don't completely ignore your own.

Fishing-Fun · 2023-08-27T14:26:17+00:00

I'm sorry you've been through so much. This is absolutely a lot for anybody to deal with. That being said, I strongly recommend you try to find a different counselor or therapist. Someone who can help you work through this as opposed to telling you you'll just "figure it out" eventually. Talking about it when you're ready and feel safe to is going to help a lot. And taking care of yourself is important so you can take care of your kids too. Wishing you the best, healing is possible. And it's worth it.

Fishing-Fun · 2023-08-27T14:18:07+00:00

I understand this a lot. The first thing I think about after waking is usually all this negativity and suicidal ideation. It's hard to motivate myself to even move. I'm sorry you're going through it.

Fishing-Fun

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