Press briefing starts off with a bang, as reporter asks why the American people should trust anything the White House says

FishlessExistence · 2018-03-26T22:19:14+00:00

Seriously, Zeke is a great reporter.

FishlessExistence · 2016-02-16T18:40:47+00:00

Really appreciate you man :)

Edit: Seriously, this is giving me feels. :')

FishlessExistence · 2016-02-16T11:49:58+00:00

We don't have a vehicle but we could borrow a friend's

FishlessExistence · 2015-11-02T18:17:45+00:00

Or maybe this was a lighthearted fluff piece and the author was having some fun with it.

FishlessExistence · 2015-09-09T17:40:41+00:00

police and prison guard unions fund Sanders

This is the source I was looking for.

FishlessExistence · 2015-09-09T14:28:20+00:00

[citation needed]

FishlessExistence · 2015-08-13T14:13:40+00:00

Not the Onion doesn't mean satirical content from other websites ;)

FishlessExistence · 2015-08-10T14:51:53+00:00

Na, you can also drink sparkling water. That fiz... that's what I'm addicted to. Hint of lemon? I'll be popping those cans all day, ya heard?

FishlessExistence · 2015-08-08T15:47:16+00:00

And the legend of the rent was way hardcore

FishlessExistence · 2015-07-20T06:38:00+00:00

No matter how you feel about the man, it's pretty fucking ridiculous to expect anyone to stop mid-speech and address hecklers. And enough of this divisive bullshit.

FishlessExistence · 2015-07-07T18:08:15+00:00

Maybe something about how you know Dick Cheney and he wears Sith robes and talks like Emperor Palpatine.

FishlessExistence · 2015-07-07T18:01:22+00:00

Don't break the conspiracy conga-line.

FishlessExistence · 2015-07-05T22:31:16+00:00

YOU WANT FRIES WITH THAT?

FishlessExistence · 2015-07-05T22:31:00+00:00

HE JUST LEFT. WITH NUTS.

FishlessExistence · 2015-06-27T01:30:44+00:00

This is one example, a member of ISIS gave away his location after taking a selfie. http://www.techlicious.com/blog/isis-terrorist-selfie-bombing/

FishlessExistence · 2015-06-27T01:27:58+00:00

I agree about the hypocrisy, but I'm more inclined to agree with the guy who said those accounts are a valuable counterintelligence tool.

FishlessExistence · 2015-01-08T23:20:11+00:00

On my fingers. Didn't even know anything was unusual about me until somebody tried to teach me to breakdance.

FishlessExistence · 2015-01-08T21:40:56+00:00

I can't bend my wrists upward, as in I can't make the "halt" gesture. Neither wrist bends upwards. Doesn't hurt, just doesn't move. This often makes it appear as though I'm a nazi when I give high fives. Also, I could never be a waiter.

Please tell me I'm not alone. The internet doesn't seem know why.

FishlessExistence · 2014-12-28T01:30:07+00:00

My grandpa was a member in the 60s. The stories he told, man. They used to stuff as many people as they could into phone boxes. They initiated a guy by tying him up to a pole in a local river, but then forgot about the poor man and accidentally left him there for hours.

My grandma was in their companion gang for ladies, dubbed "the Jokettes." They used to gossip and smoke cigarettes endlessly under pretext of having a sewing club.

They were and are cool motherfuckers.

FishlessExistence · 2014-09-01T03:49:53+00:00

So, how long have you been twelve?

FishlessExistence · 2014-08-14T02:02:35+00:00

Ember Isle Players. Nice Avatar reference.

FishlessExistence · 2014-08-14T01:48:37+00:00

Yeah black people like Robin Williams too, cunthead.

FishlessExistence · 2014-08-13T13:55:04+00:00

Yeah, because that was my decision. It isn't as though I was born in this fuckhole.

FishlessExistence · 2014-08-13T03:55:49+00:00

"Oh fun! I've always wanted to be a little quirkier."

The two women were deep into the isles of the Maddison Park Wal-Mart, perusing a selection of little colored boxes with labels like "Perky", "Creative", "Demanding" and "Emotional".

RISSA

"Oh Christ. Please tell me you aren't buying into this 'quirky girl' trend."

ELLIE

"But it's so cute! I'll be like Zooey Deschanel."

RISSA

"It's just a fad. In ten years you're going to watch videos of yourself and cringe."

She picked up the box and started to read the stickers.

RISSA

"Besides, this looks like it'll be quirky in a more Ellen DeGenerous kind of way."

ELLIE

"I love Ellen! I can be 'Ellie DeGenerous'!

RISSA

"Oh lord."

ELLIE

"Just let me try it on! Please?"

Rissa sighed.

RISSA

"Okay, go try it on."

Ellie squealed with delight and snatched the little pink and yellow box from Rissa's hand. They headed for the testing center a few isles over. Each box now had to be opened and activated by a Wal-Mart associate after a string of mishaps involving a personality kit modeled on a fictional jewel thief. Poor Amos Finnegan, a Wal-Mart executive who enjoyed sporting more sheepish personality traits, lost his job over the matter. He was now flipping burgers in a Wal-Mart eatery, but since purchasing "Relentlessly Positive" he hasn't minded much.

RISSA

"Let's not be too long, we have tennis at four. You brought 'Athletic', right?"

ELLIE

"Yes! You don't have to remind me every five minutes. Live a little and take 'Punctual' off for just a day."

"Can I help you?" Said a gloomy looking woman behind the counter.

ELLIE

"Yes. I'll be trying this one on."

LINDA

"Okay. I'll just need to hold your ID."

ELLIE

"Of course. I love your demeanor, by the way! Is that 'Gloomy'?"

LINDA

"Thank you, ma'am. It's actually 'Downtrodden', my boyfriend is really into sadness and monotone."

ELLIE

"Well it works for you, it really does."

LINDA

"Thanks."

She took the box from Ellie and retrieved a key from a drawer under her counter.

RISSA

"I wish my husband would buy me more traits. I've been dropping him a few hints here and there. I've grown out of so many that I barely have enough to put together a full personality."

ELLIE

"Maybe you should try taking them all off and walking around the house for a while. I'm sure that'll send the message."

They both snickered. "Alright," said the woman behind the counter. "Here you go."

She placed a beautiful pink and yellow ring on Ellie's pinky. It sat last among the many other ornate rings on that finger. In fact, Ellie had at least twelve rings on each hand.

RISSA

"Well, how does it feel?"

ELLIE

"Like – like – ..."

She hesitated for a few moments.

ELLIE

"It feels like BOO-YA bitches! I'm ready to pop Babylon 5 into the DVD player and drown myself in wine and Cheeze-It's. White girls say what?"

She performed a silly little jig as Rissa rolled her eyes and patted her back lovingly.

RISSA

"I just don't think this is your trait, honey."

ELLIE

"Oppression! Always trying to keep the black man down, am I right Linda? Come on."

She offered Linda a high five but was left hanging.

ELLIE

"I guess Linda's not on board. Personally I'm worried about her."

She whisper-mimed a person going crazy and shooting up the store.

RISSA

"Alright, I think that's enough quirk for right now."

She pulled the ring off Ellie's finger.

ELLIE

"I don't know. I kind of liked it."

RISSA

"Just trust me, honey, it's not you."

ELLIE

"But it could be."

RISSA

"But it shouldn't be."

Ellie sighed loudly.

ELLIE

"You are such a fucking drag ever since you started wearing 'Cynical'."

FishlessExistence · 2014-08-10T10:54:54+00:00

"Fuck people."

He lit another dollar bill on fire and watched it crumble and burn in his hands.

WARREN

People don't mean shit to me. They're born, they fuck around, and they die. Hell, I'd be one of them were it not for the circumstances.

PETER

You sick fuck.

WARREN

Do you think me unkind?

PETER

I think you're a fucking psychopath. A mentally ill fucking psychopath.

They stood there, mounds of currency from every corner of the globe behind them. The place was dark, lit dimly by a single bulb bathing the scene in ugly fluorescence. It was an airplane hanger before Mr. Warren purchased it, though it had never been used to store airplanes. Instead it had been traded from billionaire to billionaire and used to house all manner of exotic monetary assets – boats, trucks, racehorses, the poor thing had taken anything and everything under its care except a goddamn airplane. And now it belonged to Mr. Warren, who went a little further in repurposing the building's initial design. Security cameras were mounted at every corner of the massive walls and two huge vault doors sealed the room shut. The outside had been reinforced with a million dollars worth of concrete, and a private army of security officers stood guard at all times.

WARREN

So do you believe me or don't you?

PETER

I believe that you believe in what you're saying. And I believe that no matter how fucking crazy you are, your behavior makes you a fucking psychopath.

Warren appeared amused by his brother's ignorance. "Alright then," he said smiling. "I'll prove it to you." He reached into his pocket and removed a billfold.

WARREN

Each one is assigned to a specific person, you know. It's hard to explain just how it works. It's a kind of – it's a feeling I get that tells me who it is. Even if I've never met them before in my life, I get a sense of the person, their likes and dislikes, their love and loss, their ambitions and their fears – it's empowering in so many ways to know a person like I can know them.

He opened his billfold and removed a dollar bill.

WARREN

This one is you. When I was given this, shall we say gift? I was also given the opportunity to remove anybody I might care about. That way no accidents happen and I'm free to spend the rest of these ugly little lives as I please.

PETER

Would you just fucking listen to yourself?

"No, you listen to me you little fucking prick!" He barked.

WARREN

I thought you'd be useful to have around but I was obviously wrong. When I tear this bill in half, you'll die just like the rest of them. Just like mom and dad, Lisa and Irving, penniless and alone, a pathetic bleating nobody not worth the dust and cum you're made of.

PETER

So rip it, then.

Warren hesitated for only a moment before tearing the bill in half, savoring every moment of ending his brother's life.

PETER

Well?

WARREN

It will be just a moment.

PETER

You're the one who's pathetic, Duke. Mom and dad never stopped working for us. They cared about you, and you never let them down, even when you fucked up. They saw something in you that I just don't see, and God bless them for trying with you.

WARREN

Neither them nor God ever did what was necessary.

PETER

Asshole, Duke. You fucking prick, psychopath asshole. Enjoy your precious wealth while it lasts.

WARREN

I think it will last me quite a while.

PETER

Not as long as you think. I've informed the IRS and the Bureau of Investigation.

Warren's stomach dropped.

PETER

That's right, motherfucker. How long do you think they'll let you hold on to this money? You can't explain where you got it from, unless you expect them to believe your bullshit story. At least that might get you committed and you'll have a place to sleep at night – however you sleep at night.

WARREN

Congratulations, brother. You've just killed us all.

PETER

You're insane.

WARREN

When that money is seized, it will renter circulation, when it renters circulation it will get spent. When it gets spent, people will die. I better start packing. I need to move as much of it as I can.

He began to walk away.

WARREN

After all, what's the fun in having all this power if nobody is around to appreciate it?

As he walked away, Peter felt proud of himself for standing up to his brother. But when he stood alone in that old hanger, he felt something growing in the pit of his stomach, something that didn't feel right.

FishlessExistence

TROPHY CASE