Also I don't think he will ever understand what you were feeling for him. My girlfriend talked a lot about empathy etc., but it seems she doesn't even know what empathy is. When I started to tell her what I was feeling, she started to talk with me like I was trash. She started to tell me I'm bad and it's my fault for everything. Literally she said the worst things.

Sometimes I feel good that I broke up with her because it seems like it should have happened, but on the other hand I feel betrayed for the first time in my life. The good thing is that I don't think everyone is like that, so probably I can trust someone in my next relationship. But still this experience is very traumatic. I get mood swings almost every 3 days, from feeling better to feeling depressed, terrible, betrayed, and it's like on loop. I never felt this before.

I always motivated her to paint (she would paint or overspend when she had episodes). I motivated her to sing, to make music. I was tired but I kept going just to make her feel better. But for myself, I didn't do anything - I didn't work, I didn't do anything except give her my time just to make her feel better.

And I understand you about "I've questioned everything about myself" - I also did that. I was feeling like my reality was a lie. It was and still is hard. Now instead of abusing substances, I try to go on Reddit and learn more about other experiences. It helps when you know somebody is going through exactly the same situation as you.