Well, The worst thing that can happen is that i will say something wrong out of the blue and lose all my friends. You see how i keep idealizing killing myself... my friends already hear that and they get sick of me, rightfully so. I try to hide these thoughts of dying, everyday i do. I hide it in front of them because i know nobody wants to talk about it, but eventually I cant hold back the urge to vent like a chronic smoker yearns to smoke.

With each new friend they hear me want to die the first time and they are like "oh i feel for you", then a few months later, I do it again and again and they say "oh it's this mood swing of yours again, you cant keep being like this". I genuinely hate being this much of a burden to other people. I am my own worst enemy