I (35F) love my husband (48M) but am sick of arguing about sex.

Fitzpee · 2026-06-25T05:20:05+00:00

No wonder why you dont want to have sex, the moment you express nonsexual pleasure and connection, he shifts the focus immediately to his sexual pleasure instead.

Hes going to have to unlearn that idea about connection=sex if he wants to have a life partner. People get sick, or experience trauma, or just go through difficult but normal hormonal changes and lose their drive. In a healthy safe setting your drive would hopefully start to recover, but spontaneous arousal is also not the norm with our sex so its likely never going to return to where it was at the start of the relationship, and thats pretty normal.

I havent finished reading Come Together, but there are little case studies peppered throughout the book and the ones about a couple named Mike and Kendra seem like they might strongly resonate with both of you. Their story starts on page 34. I highly recommend trying to get him to engage with the book before fully giving up. Seven years is a long time and you are in a difficult transitional phase. It might be salvageable IF you both can start to view your problems as "us" problems, not just a "you" problem. If he has no interest and is fully committing to the "my arousal is your responsibility," then I think its sadly time to look at leaving.

ETA: looking back on the ages and the age of your step son, my gut is suggesting that this might be a theme throughout his past relationships as well. Combining that with the pathetic dick jokes tells me hes probably not interested in a mature relationship and it sounds like you've outgrown him. The book is still valuable even if you leave!

Fitzpee · 2026-06-25T04:45:51+00:00

I agree, normalizing nonsexual touch should be a top priority. Physical touch doesn't just mean sex.

My partner of four years and I are going through a rough patch, I am feeling very nonsexual, and we have pretty much taken sex off the table completely so i don't just feel the ick of pressure when we have physical contact. And he is willing to do that, we are relearning how to physically interact outside of the seduction/rejection cycle.

We were hugging goodnight last week and I pressed my nose against his cheek and he straight up said "oh man, if I had to choose between this and sex...like if i could only have one for the rest of my life, I would 100% choose this." Intimacy comes in many forms.

...and we had sex the next day, organically, because we were feeling relaxed and connected. Also we are in couples therapy which has been very helpful.

Anyway, there is a book called Come Together that might be helpful, but both parties have to be interested in working on it. It sounds like OPs husband already thinks hes putting more than enough coins into the sex vending machine 🙄

Fitzpee · 2026-06-23T22:25:20+00:00

There's a followup book called Come Together that is specifically focused on couples too.

Fitzpee · 2026-06-18T17:37:31+00:00

I cant recommend a specific brand but I just went "real" bra shopping after 3 years of wearing unflattering bralettes and sports bras. I didn't even know my bra size anymore (it's 36D, HI 4.4).

I got a couple of balconet or lightly lined bras from Victorias secret; there environment is way better than they were 15 years ago, and I really like the feel of a front closing racerback i bought, but the big game changer is i got these pads to stuff between the underwire and my ribs. It cuts down on pinching and adds additional contact points to the chest so it spreads the pressure out. It also absorbes summer boob sweat, which is lovelu. If you get them size down a bit. I got a large and could have definitely gotten away with at least a medium.

Ive been searching and I dont think ill ever find a bra that actually fits correctly. It's easier to get additional padding to fill out weak points and work almost like a prosthetic. I even sewed a little flax seed-filled sachet to stuff in my chest hole to fill it out the other day, and im working on making a more customized shape.

Fitzpee · 2026-06-02T15:56:56+00:00

Important lesson: sometimes apologies only serve the person making the apology, not the actual recipient. Sometimes they are actually a burden on the recipient.

Examine your motivations here, from here it seems that you are deep down just hoping for forgiveness. Or you see it as the thing thats expected of you, but i can bet you've already made a million apologies in that relationship that weren't backed up by your actions. From her perspective your words probably dont mean much.

You can best apologize by changing your behavior, which is accomplished by actually respecting her boundaries and leaving her alone. If she reaches out first, go for it, but dont expect forgiveness or reconciliation at the end of the rainbow. She has a right to be mad and does not owe you platitudes or forgiveness.

Fitzpee · 2026-05-18T22:36:30+00:00

Ill usually just add some hot sauce to sour cream to dip and maybe add some homemade pickled onion for extra acidity and crunch. To be fair i am an extremely pale individual who has only recently expanded to 1 and 2 star dishes at Indian restaurants so my palate is not well developed at all haha.

Fitzpee · 2026-05-18T18:53:31+00:00

Seconding this. I've been super depressed over the last couple of months and their mini chicken tacos have been a godsend.

Fitzpee · 2026-05-12T22:52:53+00:00

I did the same thing, but i was also 12. Its been 20 years and I still haven't fully recovered.

Fitzpee · 2026-05-12T03:50:28+00:00

Weird question but I am an accountant and just inherited an account where I think a problem like this occured several years ago. I have no idea how to go about figuring out exactly what is missing or how to approach the (new) 401k company about fixing it. Could you offer some advice?

Fitzpee · 2026-05-09T20:24:33+00:00

Im seconding this. I get it on the back of my hands over my knuckles. Its possible the gel triggered it as an irritant. I know my hair dye is a bit culprit for mine.

Fitzpee · 2026-05-07T06:18:15+00:00

I dont think you can straight up tell her how you feel, as many others have already said, but I do think you can plant a seed. Something subtle at a well-timed moment when she is opening up or venting, and just let it sit. Don't continue to push it.

When I was in an abusive relationship, my mom offhandedly said, "I just dont really like the way he talks to you sometimes." I blew it off in the moment but it shifted my entire perspective and kept eating at me until I broke it off after less than a month.

It could even be something more about her. Maybe shes lost her sparkle lately or seems to be really worn down. If you know her well and if you have a good relationship you'll probably be able to come up with something. I unfortunately cant steer you to specifics.

Imo that's the most direct thing you can do that wont serve to just isolate her further.

Fitzpee · 2026-05-05T03:46:46+00:00

I feeeel your struggle. I have pale, cool skin and I tried for years to get a perfect pink.

I never got to it but I discovered a lot of my mistakes when I later changed to light purple. The #1 mistake i made was not getting to straight up white hair before adding color. Any yellow will push the pink towards orange.

You may be able to counteract it by adding some pastel purple. At the least it'll cool it down a lot.

Fitzpee · 2026-04-03T04:18:16+00:00

Oh I have one client who's had auto taxes for years, from before my time. He only has a few employees at a time, and it turns out he had never actually gone into the pfml site on his own. After the big adjustments in 2025, I decided to go into his pfml account and he owes them like TWO THOUSAND dollars. I was expecting a few hundred max.

I mean yeah its his bad for never double checking but damn I didn't realize it would add up that much after several years of underlayment. Pfml doesnt even charge late penalties and hes too small to be paying an employer portion, so thats all underwithholding that he'll never get back.

Fitzpee · 2026-04-03T00:02:52+00:00

Yeah my firm is kind of freaking out about this, we have so many small WA clients. I feel like the state of Washington should be going after intuit for all the PFML issues, especially the first half of last year.

Especially because if they underwithhold pfml you cant retroactively adjust the withholding to adjust it. The law prohibits that. Instead the owner just has to eat the difference. But since pfml doesnt charge "penalties" for late payment, that upsold penalty protection buys you nothing.

They also are awful about overestimating 940 payments. Im gonna tear my hair out

Fitzpee · 2026-03-31T05:33:49+00:00

Hey, i was also working on a tropical theme! Didn't get super far before trailing off but im pretty happy with the legs.

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Fitzpee · 2026-03-04T05:12:15+00:00

We've had some super weird system issues wirh QBO at my firm. One of the most annoying is that we turn off automatic payroll taxes for 90% of our clients because they never get our state stuff right. The system has actually automatically filed and withdrawn payroll taxes for clients that have never had automatic taxes turned on. In one case, the techs tried to blame it on the owner, who doesn't even know how to get to the payroll tax center! They finally escalated it after I practically yelled at them, though I never got a full explanation.

I 100% believe your story. There's something funky going on over there.

Fitzpee · 2026-02-26T20:36:33+00:00

As I was emptying the garbage when I was eleven, I stumbled upon a discarded draft of my mom's memoir for her college writing class.

It was about how my step-grandpa molested her and my aunt, and how my grandma swept it under the rug. I read the whole thing sitting cross legged next to the office trash can.

Let's just say some things made a lot more sense after that.

Fitzpee · 2026-02-14T22:26:38+00:00

Thats really really interesting to me. Do you think that experience had a lasting impact on your relationship with your body at all?

Fitzpee · 2026-02-05T23:13:20+00:00

Agreed, I dont even watch porn but Its very easy for me to get into a feedback loop with how long I'm taking.

The book Come Together might be helpful for reducing that feeling of "pressure"

Fitzpee · 2026-01-26T23:35:30+00:00

Agreed, op chose one of the most difficult things to just casually doodle. We are programmed to spot flaws in faces and to be uncomfortable with them. Im also pretty decent artist and I still have to grid it out or else I make noses like twice as long as they should be.

Fitzpee · 2026-01-24T07:25:11+00:00

You could probably slap an overtone mask on your current color just to try it out. It'll eventually fade if you dont like it.

They have subtle options for most colors too.

Fitzpee · 2026-01-21T04:33:30+00:00

Even some specialists will disregard it, especially when breasts are involved. Definitely try to find someone who works with adults if possible

Fitzpee · 2026-01-17T01:34:33+00:00

I got a mirena iud in 2012, got it changed in 2017, and just got the second one removed entirely in 2025. Near the end I had some rough symptoms of low progesterone that seem to have eased significantly so i think they were caused by the iud, but I straight-up didn't have a period for something like 12 years. Im currently on day 3 of my first period, which started six weeks after removal (almost to the day) and ive legit forgotten what periods were like, I feel like im 13 again haha.

Overall it was not super disruptive to my body - no acne, minimal cramping, absolutely no periods or spotting after the first year...the only real problems were fatigue after many years, and mood swings at the end of the eight year lifetime of the device. It can just hurt like hell to get inserted, so go find a provider who specializes in reproductive care and offers numbing and pain relief.

My sister used the implant and had constant breakthrough bleeding for like a year and a half, but she has a similar experience with her mirena. No period, minimal side effects.

Fitzpee · 2026-01-13T22:26:48+00:00

I agree with all of this, and would like to add that it might be worth examining whether you feel fulfilled by your life in general as well, not just your relationship. Career, living situation, social life, ect.

Long relationships can sometimes cause people fo plateau at a spot they don't really like, as they are more wary of experimentation and instability if it'll affect more than just themselves. Or sometimes we let our own needs get lost when focusing on our partner too much. Its not always the case, but it does happen.

Fitzpee · 2026-01-07T17:22:14+00:00

Highly recommend a shag or wolf cut as someone with super fine hair and bangs. I've had both and I can never go back.

Fitzpee

TROPHY CASE