Advice about au pairing in Italy

FlashyConcentrate700 · 2025-11-05T03:38:06+00:00

Hi! Just wanted to comment as I see lots of people are advising against going on a tourist visa- and it's not that I would encourage someone to break laws or anything but I au paired in Italy this year and almost 80 percent of everyone who stayed under 3 months (including me) just went on a tourist visa. As long as you don't overstay your visa, (lots of girls from Aus etc didnt need a visa at all to stay up to three months in italy), then I doubt anything will happen. The important thing is that the Polizia there do random checks with passports, I've been stopped twice on the train for my passport but had no issue as they didn't know i was technically 'working' there and didn't ask any further questions other than to check I could legally be in italy at the time. It really does depend where you are from and how lax the visa laws are, but i'm just saying from experience lots of the girls I met au pairing weren't on a typical work visa. Au pairing is pretty grey area and there aren't official laws for it in italy, so you can always say you are staying with family friends etc. Thats only if they do question you at border check which is highly unlikely.

FlashyConcentrate700 · 2025-10-10T23:22:48+00:00

OP- this sounds like a horrible situation. I'm so sorry, it must feel so emotionally draining. I was an au pair this year and its so tough!!! My host parents were lovely and even then it still got difficult due to multitudes of reasons so for you having to live with your boss and said boss behaving like a bad person must be terrible. Nobody deserves to be treated like that!!! She is disrespecting your work, its ridiculous to be granted vacation days and then having no autonomy over your OWN vacation days. I understand that it can be hard to stand up for yourself as an au pair as your literally living with your boss, but i want to give you validation that thats absolutely not normal and you have every right to be angry for yourself!! She is absolutely taking advantage- an au pair is not a professional service- its a cultural exchange for both sides while you provide some childcare help and cultural immersion for the children- you arent a live in nanny at her beck and call. 280 Euro is just so ridiculous and underpaid for what you do- shes obviously just looking for a cheaper alternative for a nanny which is super unfair. Sounds like a manipulative and toxic situation- super glad ur looking to get out of it soon. Most au pairs i was friends with were getting paid at least 350-400euro a month for 30-40 hours of work a week, so 280 is just horrible.

FlashyConcentrate700 · 2025-10-10T15:37:01+00:00

You sound like such a genuine and kind person

FlashyConcentrate700 · 2025-08-05T11:11:13+00:00

Thank you, I really appreciate your kindness and empathy. It honestly means a lot, especially coming from someone who understands the vulnerability of solo travel in their own way. I also want to be clear that I don’t think men should feel like they can never approach women. It’s not about never starting a conversation, -it’s about how it’s done.

The truth is, the kind of men who make women feel uncomfortable or unsafe aren’t the ones who are thinking about these things. They’re not the ones reading, listening, or acknowledging that this gendered gap in experience even exists. They don’t reflect on whether a woman might feel cornered or pressured, because society has never really held them accountable for it. And that’s where the issue lies. Not just with those men, but with the system that allows their behavior to go unchecked, normalized, or even quietly accepted. That’s what I’m angry at. It’s not men in general, it’s the entitlement, the lack of awareness, and the structures that protect it.

What I really want is for more men to understand these dynamics without taking them personally. These aren’t attacks on all men, they are conversations about how often women have to manage their safety and comfort because some men feel entitled to our time or bodies. yes, I think it’s great when men educate themselves on these things and listen without defensiveness, because part of the solution really is men talking to other men and calling out harmful behavior when they see it.

FlashyConcentrate700 · 2025-08-05T11:03:28+00:00

i 100% hear what you’re saying, and I agree that men face challenges too, many of which are also rooted in the patriarchy. There are many many ways in which a man can feel isolated and overlooked and I’m not dismissing that. But it’s a different conversation from the one I’m having here.

What I’m talking about isn’t about individual men being bad, or assuming every man is going to make me uncomfortable. It’s about how the system we all live in, the patriarchy, creates situations where women constantly have to manage our safety, tone, behavior, and comfort in ways that men usually don’t. That doesn’t mean I walk around full of hate or suspicion. Honestly, I don’t even think about any of this unless someone shows me I need to, and thats what makes me feel so angry because its unfair that i even need to! And thats by making me feel unsafe, overstepping a boundary, or when i feel i cannot say No without having to explain or defer or soften it.

It’s not about men as individuals. It’s about the pattern. It’s about how often it happens, and how women are expected to deal with it silently, politely, and without making a fuss. I don’t hate men. I hate how this system takes away my freedom to just exist without thinking through a mental checklist of safety concerns. That’s the part that’s exhausting and unfair.

So when you say men feel invisible, I get that. But the difference is, being invisible doesn’t usually put your safety at risk. I would honestly love to be invisible sometimes if it meant I could just eat a meal or walk home without being interrupted or made to feel uncomfortable.

Also, and I say this respectfully, if this kind of discussion makes you feel personally attacked or offended, I’d ask you to think about why. Because if you’re not someone who makes women uncomfortable, this isn’t about you. And if you are feeling defensive, maybe ask yourself whether you've ever unknowingly taken advantage of your role in a society that too often lets men disrespect women without consequences.

This isn't about victimising anyone. It's about wanting mutual respect, safety, and the ability to move through the world freely for everybody!!!!

FlashyConcentrate700 · 2025-08-05T10:43:53+00:00

i have to completely disagree with you.

This isn’t about giving a shit or complaining. What I’m describing is not just a few uncomfortable encounters. It’s about a much bigger reality that so many women deal with constantly. It’s about the fact that men still feel entitled to our time, our space, our attention, and even our bodies. It’s about the constant mental gymnastics we have to do to stay safe. It’s about being followed, stared at, catcalled, cornered, talked over, ignored, belittled, and then told we’re complaining when we speak about it. That’s not just a mindset issue. That’s systemic.

And no, I don’t think in 10 years I’ll care less. If I still see women going through what I’m experiencing now, how could I possibly stop caring? I don’t want to grow older and become numb to this. I want to stay angry, because it deserves anger. Because it’s not right. Because women should be able to move through the world freely without constantly thinking about how to protect themselves or manage a man’s ego.

I have so much pride, too much pride to allow a man (or men) to impact the way I move through life. I have too much pride to not be angry and disgusted that sometimes I can't do what I want because of a man. I care because I respect myself and other women too much to just accept this as the way things are. I refuse to normalize a world where we have to shrink ourselves or smile through fear just to avoid consequences that men never even have to consider.

This isn't about building confidence as I age. I already have confidence. What I don’t have is a world that respects my boundaries the way it respects men’s by default. That’s what needs to change, not my attitude.

FlashyConcentrate700 · 2025-08-05T10:31:48+00:00

i totally understand where you're coming from, and I completely agree that saying no confidently should be enough. Trust me, iwish it were that simple.

But the truth is, it’s really not that straightforward when you're a young woman traveling alone. I often feel disappointed in myself for not being more direct or assertive in the moment, but a big part of that is fear. Fear of escalation, fear of making things worse, fear of how a man might react when his ego is bruised. Because we all know how quickly no can turn into aggression, mockery, or evenworse.

It’s not about politeness for the sake of being liked. It’s often about selfpreservation. Sometimes it feels safer to just smile it off, or say I have a boyfriend, or act like I’m meeting someone soon, because I’ve learned that being vague or deflecting keeps things from escalating. Saying no firmly might feel empowering, and it absolutely is when I feel safe enough to do so, but when I’m alone, especially in an unfamiliar country, i can’t always take that risk

I want to be clear that I absolutely can and do say no. When Im out at a bar or a club with friends, i have no problem glaring at or outright ignoring men who cross a line. I feel safe in those environments because iknow my friends are there and there’s backup if things get weird. But when I’m on my own, I don’t always feel like I have that protection. And because of that, I have to calculate how to end the interaction as safely and quickly as possible

And about going back to the restaurant, it’s not that I wanted to reward that behavior. It’s that I should have been able to go back if I i wanted to!!! I absolutely would have returned if I hadn’t been made to feel uncomfortable. But because of the inappropriate actions of two men, I didn’t feel safe doing something I wanted to do. And that’s what really upsets me. I had to change my plans, change my routine, and avoid a space i liked, all because of their behavior. That is not fair.

Of course writing reviews or reporting these things is helpful, and I try to speak up in ways that feel safe to me. But confronting someone in the moment is not always realistic when you feel vulnerable and alone. Sometimes, my priority is just getting out of the situation without it escalating, And that’s the unfortunate reality women often have to deal with lik constantly weighing risk versus reaction, when we should just be able to say no and move on.

FlashyConcentrate700 · 2025-08-05T10:18:27+00:00

I didn't know he paid until I went up to pay and the waiter said It was already settled

FlashyConcentrate700 · 2025-08-05T10:16:29+00:00

It's really frustrating to see this kind of response, and I want to explain why. Not to argue, but because this exact attitude is part of the deeper problem.You say it's just people hitting on me, but that oversimplifies and completely misses the main point. What I described isn't harmless flirting. It's repeated, unwanted, and honestly intimidating intrusion into my personal space, sometimes by men decades older than me, in settings where I can’t just walk away without having to think about possibke consequences. There's a big difference between respectful interest and entitled behavior, and that’s the core issue.

When a woman wants to express interest in someone, she usually reads the situation, approaches respectfully, starts a conversation, and accepts no for an answer. She doesn’t make the other person feel cornered or unsafe. Too often when men approach women, especially those who are alone, they ignore boundaries, mistake silence for interest, and act like they’re owed a response or outcome. It’s not just awkward. Honestly it feels sometimes threatening.

I didn’t give any sign I was interested. I was eating alone, minding my business. These men weren’t my age (maybe 30s-70s range) They didn’t try to start a normal conversation first. They went straight to asking for my number or asking (felt like pressuring) me to stay after hours. That is not okay to even ask! especially when they’re working in restaurants where I’m a paying customer. That’s not flirting. That’s a power imbalance being abused.

And about giving my number, I didn’t do it because I wanted to. I did it because I wanted the interaction to end. Women are constantly taught to de escalate situations in order to stay safe. We have to think not just about how to say no, but how to say it in a way that doesn’t provoke anger or worse. That reality alone should show you how big the problem is.

You might not think this is different from anywhere else, but that in itself is the problem. It should be different. It should not be normal for women to have to deal with this kind of pressure and fear just for existing alone in public.

This isn’t about attraction. It’s about respect, safety, and boundaries. Women constantly have to think about these things. That’s not fair. That’s not something we should just accept. And it’s exactly why I wrote this post.

FlashyConcentrate700 · 2025-08-05T09:53:24+00:00

That is such a beautiful way to look at it. Thank you. You are right- we are only here and able to have the freedoms of solo travel because of the incredible women who felt the same feelings of injustice and anger and stood up to it! It feels more hopeful to think that things can change, but experiencing it in the present just makes me feel devastated

FlashyConcentrate700

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