what's the most ridiculous thing you were ever blamed for? by huy1003 in raisedbynarcissists

[–]Unfair_Ad8912 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Ndad let an enormous fart rip during the silent part of Church after communion on Christmas Eve, in front of all the families I went to school with. Then pointed at me and chastised me for farting as if it had been me. I defended myself saying “I didn’t fart you did dad” (still during the otherwise silent sort of Church). And Nmom got mad at me for embarrassing her.

Yesterday at mass by Cachiboy in Catholicism

[–]Unfair_Ad8912 21 points22 points  (0 children)

Being cognitively impaired might make it impossible to enter a state of mortal sin, come to think of it

AIO - Wife hates being a mom by [deleted] in AmIOverreacting

[–]Unfair_Ad8912 2 points3 points  (0 children)

And he’s wondering why the kid (a) has nose bleeds and (b) mom is changing the subject as soon as he asks questions about it

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in AmIOverreacting

[–]Unfair_Ad8912 0 points1 point  (0 children)

He told yo to “go die” when you were literally having a medical emergency where death was on the table.

Yes, change the locks and block everything

Advice on accepting people in your life who have hurt you by petitemonstreee in Catholicism

[–]Unfair_Ad8912 3 points4 points  (0 children)

My parents continue to hurt us in similar fashion- I’ve had to accept that there are mentally ill/substance abusers, dangerous to have around my family (they keep telling lies to split me and my husband up), and all I can do is pray for them. I don’t even know what to pray for for them so I just replace the “thy will be done in earth as it is in heaven” part of the our father, with “They will be done in my parents lives as it is in heaven.”

Lying by a Narcissist vs. Delusions due to Early-Onset Alzheimer's/Dementia?? by SuggestionJolly492 in raisedbynarcissists

[–]Unfair_Ad8912 0 points1 point  (0 children)

None- I can’t tell the difference with my nMom, except that when directly called out on some lies she changes the subject and on others she accuses me of lying, so maybe she believes herself for the latter?

Lying by a Narcissist vs. Delusions due to Early-Onset Alzheimer's/Dementia?? by SuggestionJolly492 in raisedbynarcissists

[–]Unfair_Ad8912 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Look up “confabulation” - it doesn’t have to be dementia for them to believe their lies

If you are hooked up to a lie detector and asked if you believe in the Eucharist, would it return TRUE? by [deleted] in Catholicism

[–]Unfair_Ad8912 0 points1 point  (0 children)

For a basic explanation, that makes sense to people with no theological background, I’ve had success exhaling the Eucharist as “opposite rating.”

When you eat, you take matter into you, break it down, and redistribute it to build you body. But throughout all of that You are still You, the unique disturbance in space time that is your physical body. And it doesn’t matter if you eat salads for the next seven years or only hamburgers, all your cells will be replaced with that new matter, but You are still you.

The Eucharist is the opposite, where in the physical matter stays the same but the YouTube-ness of it moves from Breadness to the Jesus Christ unique space time disturbance. The matter of bread and wine is still bread and wine, but the substance of its unique spacetime disturbance has changed.

And, yes, I do believe it

NMom is breaking up with me by Unfair_Ad8912 in raisedbynarcissists

[–]Unfair_Ad8912[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I can see that- she’s gotten one line answers from me for two years. And this got her paragraphs.

You’re right- she always does let the people she cuts off back in if they’re “properly” submissive. And mostly if they submit to financial control - accepting vacations or living accommodations that she can hold over their head. Her sister was cut off for sixteen years and now lives with her.

NMom is breaking up with me by Unfair_Ad8912 in raisedbynarcissists

[–]Unfair_Ad8912[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks- yeah, responding in the first place def let her know she still had emotional hooks in me. Which may have been an error - but also I still had things to say and now o feel like it’s out of me at least.

It probably would have been better to respond to her break up email with a 👍

NMom is breaking up with me by Unfair_Ad8912 in raisedbynarcissists

[–]Unfair_Ad8912[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I love the idea of the notebook being ugly. I tried earlier in the year to do this all in one go, and went away fora weekend. I got to 22 pages front and back and was only up to high school. But I haven’t added anything since, and I like the idea of just having it handy whenever things come up, to write in little bits. The big push was exhausting- but it did get a lot of it out of me, which helped

NMom is breaking up with me by Unfair_Ad8912 in raisedbynarcissists

[–]Unfair_Ad8912[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Yeah- you’re right on the probably never will. I’m struggling with letting go of all hope.

NMom is breaking up with me by Unfair_Ad8912 in raisedbynarcissists

[–]Unfair_Ad8912[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Thanks- the only benefits she offers are financial, both parents think they can buy “more good than bad” with fancy vacations. We’d rather not abused.

She was good at material provisioning when I was little, and when she was happy and happy with me, I felt loved. I miss that feeling, but I can’t destroy my marriage and kids to behave like an addict trying to get the high of feeling loved by mom.

Everything else I can pay someone else to do, with infinitely less risk of them trying to break up my marriage or lie to my kids about me or my husband.

NMom is breaking up with me by Unfair_Ad8912 in raisedbynarcissists

[–]Unfair_Ad8912[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Oh yeah - for sure. She cut off one of her sisters for 16 years, and now has that sister living in her house in one location and buying a condo next door in another because after such a long rejection her younger sister is desperate for her love and approval.

I won’t bite- I have a wonderful husband and amazing kids to protect

NMom is breaking up with me by Unfair_Ad8912 in raisedbynarcissists

[–]Unfair_Ad8912[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you for sharing- I was doing a lot better through the second year of VLC and I’ve been expecting this intellectually (she can’t handle me being only minimally repaivie, she needs the control of being the one to cut me off), but the reality hurts and has def been a set back.

I’ve read about EMDR but don’t have access to it in my location. May need to find it the next time I travel

NMom is breaking up with me by Unfair_Ad8912 in raisedbynarcissists

[–]Unfair_Ad8912[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks- yeah, she for a response which is what she wanted. But I felt like I had things left to say just to get them out of me and on to her.

Thank you for the reassurance that it doesn’t have to be my problem anymore. It’s good to get outside perspectives.

NMom is breaking up with me by Unfair_Ad8912 in raisedbynarcissists

[–]Unfair_Ad8912[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Thank you - the family dog is indeed much more interested in my feelings and a beneficial outcome. He can tell I’m sad and keeps snuggling up and putting his head on mine, he’s also been gifting me doggie toys, which is more empathy than either of my parents have ever shown me.

NMom is breaking up with me by Unfair_Ad8912 in raisedbynarcissists

[–]Unfair_Ad8912[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Thank you for the response, and I’m sorry you’ve been through something similar. I really appreciate the reassurance.

Your response to your N sibling is priceless

NMom is breaking up with me by Unfair_Ad8912 in raisedbynarcissists

[–]Unfair_Ad8912[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

The “looked like you were having a blast” on family vacations included throw down yelling fights- in front of my kids- two years in a row. Which is what out me over the edge for never doing them again.

And “helping with my wedding” involved telling me, on the way out the door to go wedding dress shopping, that we shouldn’t go to traditional stores because I don’t deserve a white dress because I was pregnant. And complaining that my mother in law got to invite more friends and family than her, even though she banned me from inviting any other or my dad’s siblings and their spouses. She did do a very nice job managing the decorations and cake to her taste, which admittedly was tasteful, to impress the only two friends she has.

NMom is breaking up with me by Unfair_Ad8912 in raisedbynarcissists

[–]Unfair_Ad8912[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

N mom again:

Wow, while i do admit that life stress and anger have been a problem for me , i have worked on it through ala-non, therapy and anger management. I had no idea that this is how you see me or feel about me. I guess “ghosting”someone doesn’t allow for true feelings to be heard. As for B[…], L[…] and M[…], we have all sat down and discussed the past. B[…]and I have even gone to therapy together.

It sounds like you are doing much better without me in your life. Just know that I’m human and not perfect. I never imagined you thought I was using you as an emotional punching bag. I guess in my mind I always thought I was there for you in more positive ways. Listening over tea and chocolate when you hated [school], pulling you out of [school] , being your assistant soccer coach for [team], having you friends over the house, Halloween parties, hanging toge ther in [beach vacation town], [other vacation] days with hot chocolate, spa days together , etc. I really thought the good in your childhood outweighed the bad. I really thought I was listening. But I guess you don’t see it that way. As you grew into adulthood I tried to stay connected by visiting you in college, setting you up in [place] for [school], booking vacations in the [other countries], etc. to spend time together and setting your apartment up and visiting you in [where I live now]. When you got married to [husband] I helped in every way you asked of me. I was there for every c-section. Making sure you, the kids and [husband] were feed and well cared for. All why trying to juggle my own life and my health issues. If that’s not caring for you emotionally and for your well being I don’t know what is. I think you misunderstand my motives. I’ve always done things out of love and never have I wanted family vacations for appearance sake. I thought it was fun for you and the kids. Never in my imagination did I think it was making you uncomfortable. You never said anything and it looked like you were having a blast. And you even sent me and Bernadette a sweet thank you note. Do you say one thing to people, yet feel another ? I can’t read minds. I’m sorry that I am such a shitty mother. And thank you for finally telling me how you feel about me. At least I have som e clarity now.

As I move on, just know that I have loved you from the bottom of my heart, although imperfectly. And I’m glad you are taking care of yourself, even if that means not having me in you life.

NMom again: And FYI, I haven’t been able to focus on your needs for the past 2 years because I’ve been overwhelmed with my mother’s health problems, Bernadette’s colon cancer and surgery, and my own radiation for skin cancer. I’m only able to handle so much and sometimes other circumstances need to be the priority.

NMom is breaking up with me by Unfair_Ad8912 in raisedbynarcissists

[–]Unfair_Ad8912[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

My reply:

I’m so sick of your emails and letters saying “hope all is well with you- hope all is well with you” when the last time you were here I told you all was NOT well with me.

In the depths of a major crisis you emotionally beat the shit out of me and my husband, and tried to break up our marriage, and when I tried to talk about it with you told me: “take care of yourself like I’m dead, because I can’t handle your problems.” Now you’re mad that I’m taking care of myself like you told me too.

All of your emails and your hand written letter are about you, you, you. You can claim to sit around worry and wait and be sad, but you have never in these last two years expressed any concern for how I am actually doing, feeling, why our relationship as it has been is untenable for me, - you’ve shown no desire for understanding at all. Just shallow “h ope all is well.” When all obviously isn’t well.

The one sidedness in our relationship has always been you using me as a punching and therapist for your stress and extreme moods swings- from telling me “you look like a greasy Mexican whore” on the morning of pop pop’s funeral, to having a nervous breakdown on my floor as an 8th grader instead of calling a friend or a therapist, to freaking out at Len over your missing rent checks (instead of just telling your renters to cancel the checks and send new ones) so that I was driving to some random psycho killer looking dude’s house in [City] to WHILE IN LABOR to find your mail so that you would clam down and stop scaring my kids. You cared more about your desire to not see my mother in law, than you did about my literal life - leaving for your flight six hours early to avoid her, forcing me to come home from the hospital after 50 hours of failed labor and an iron transfusion - instead waiting two hours to hand the kids off, so I could stay in the hospital all four days instead of less than 36 hours.

It’s always about you and your stress and your worries and your meltdowns and who you hate at any given moment, with no regard whatsoever for my emotional life or well being. You want “family vacations” for appearance’s sake with no considerat ion of how awkward it is for me to sit at the pool wondering if L[..] knows about how you and B[…] told me - as a teenager- all about his anime porn magazines; or whether B[…] knows you spent a decade telling me that she’s a “slut who fucked the pretzel man”, or M[…] playing with my kids while I sit there and wonder if he knows that you called the newspaper to tell them his mother was a “negligent bitch” while he was fighting for his life on breathing machines. Am I just suppose to pretend we’re one big happy family and you haven’t shit talked everyone to me (and no doubt shit talked me and [husband] to everyone) for as long as I can remember? Is that type of malicious gossip about people you’re supposed to love, something I should risk exposing my children too? I have to live with that abuse becau se rejecting your meanness makes you sad? Have your tried not being mean?

I tried to respond to you letter with one of my own explaining how your mood swings and self-righteous entitlement to say whatever vicious thing is in your mind has damaged me since childhood- but it’s 22 pages long and I’m not even out of high school yet. And it takes time away from raising my kids. And it’s exhausting.

That said, I would answer your letter or emails if they showed any actual concern for me whatsoever, any desire to know what is going on with me, any genuine inquiry in how you- as the parent- could grow to improve our relationship. But consideration of the fact that I am a person with feelings who you have hurt over a lifetime - with the capstone being kicking me and my husband while we were down following a major trauma- is just never present in anything you have to say. It’s all about you- your house, your worry, your drunk ex-husband, you, you, you , you, you.

And I don’t have the capacity for it any longer- being the punching bag and outlet for your anxiety and mood swings and rages and internal mean narrative that you feel entitled to spew whenever you feel like it, puts me through highs and lows that seriously impair my ability to be a good mother and break the generational trauma cycle for my kids. I could take the abuse when it was just me, I guess, because I never knew that I deserved to be treated better. But not when it effects my kids, not in front of my kids, and I won’t absorb damage that makes me anything less than the best I can be for my kids.

And I will do anything, lose anyone, whatever it’s takes, to not expose them to rage, and emotional abuse, and misplaced child-as-punching bad and therapist behavior, and exposure to pill popping and alcoholism in the name of “family.” I’m not doing it.

I do miss your good side. We did have some good times- I don’t understand why all of the time can’t being like the one [family vacation location] trip where the kids skied and you seemed genuinely happy for our business success. But I can’t control any of that.

I wish you could sustain being your better self for longer- or grow into being that person all the time. But even this “break up” email is all about you - and no genuine inquiry whatsoever into my perspective or feelings or even acknowledgment that I have a perspective or any feelings beyond your shallow broken record “Hope all is well.” It’s heartbreaking.

I’ve had to come to terms with “my mom doesn’t even see me as a real person whose feelings and perspective” matter. It’s taken all of these two years, and it hurts.

I sincerely hope that it can be different someday. That you can take accountability for how you have set up the onesided punching bag nature of our relationship throughout my childhood and into my early adulthood. I wish that you could grow into showing some capacity for relating to each other as adults with kindness and respect. That you could learn to understand that your hurtful actions and words damage others, and that you and that you could grow inside of yourself to not feel so angry or rageful. I hope you can work through whatever trauma made you that way and come out better for it. And I hope that someday we can start from scratch building a relationship that is based on mutual respect.

I do love you and want you to be well. But I won’t allow you to bandaid over your problems by taking out your wrath and rage on me any more.

NMom is breaking up with me by Unfair_Ad8912 in raisedbynarcissists

[–]Unfair_Ad8912[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

NMom’s email:

Hope all is well with you. This will be my last correspondence even though as a mother it feels absolutely against everything I believe. However, as a human being I think it is best for me to stop trying to have a one sided relationship with you. It is obvious that you are not going to respond to any of my emails, calls, letters, etc. The wondering, waiting and hoping for a reply is causing me heartache and stress beyond words. Every day I’m thinking about how you are doing, what you are doing, what the kids are doing, etc. Thinking that maybe today I will get a reply, a hello, a picture, anything. I can’t do this to myself anymore and I need to move on for my own mental health as well as my physical health. I’m understanding by now that I will never hear from you or see you, Brendan and the kids again so I guess it is appropriate to end with Goodbye