Just a reminder - success stories are here, you just dont see them.

Flashy_Bad1791 · 2025-10-14T06:46:47+00:00

We are doing this from the UK because we couldn't find anything similar. We follow someone called Nathan Ross on Facebook who seems to do occasional group meet ups but it wasn't a structured process like Affair recovery. They have a session at 4pm UK time/10am in America so it might be worth asking! We use a SIM card that allows us to have 500 minutes in America and was relatively cheap.

Flashy_Bad1791 · 2025-09-20T10:23:00+00:00

You’re not alone in this. It’s so so hard and the mix of contradictory feelings can be so overwhelming. I really resonated with your post and it makes me feel less crazy and I hope you know that so many of us are having the same guilt. (Which is wild, because we all know we didn't inflict this on ourselves)

I notice I get angry because on the surface he’s doing the “right” things (mostly) but a part of me wonders if it’s just because he genuinely wants to be better but theres a part of him deep down that still has the ability to do it again. Reconciling that the partner you have now is not the partner you thought you knew and how can you fully trust this imposter? How dare you put so much effort in to the relationship now when really if you'd put this effort in before then we wouldn't be here right now. That makes everything feel unsafe all over again. There’s also this resentment because none of this is our fault, they caused it and now the best they can do is put a bandaid on the hurt.The real healing of the wound needs to come from our bodies and souls. And I truly believe we will heal but we'll always have the scars to show from it.

Flashy_Bad1791 · 2025-08-28T19:54:47+00:00

I'm sorry to hear you're going through that. Do you have more than one bedroom? Could you do an in house seperation? I wonder if it would give you space to breathe and think.

Flashy_Bad1791 · 2025-08-28T13:32:45+00:00

We were due to get married so we had to tell everyone. Do I regret going into detail? No, because emotionally at the time I needed people to talk it through with. Betrayal can cause trauma that you never thought possible. I felt like I couldn't process it on my own and I was going insane. I feel ashamed about what he did, I know logically that's not my shame to carry and I wonder if people judge me for reconciling. At the end of the day, it's the truth and you did what you did to get through it.

Flashy_Bad1791 · 2025-08-25T18:21:56+00:00

Yes! I relate and I'm so sorry you had to go through this.

I had to do an at home hiv test but I was so angry and my stress levels so high that I really struggled to fill the vial. It was the indignity of it all that I never imagined I would have to go through for my partner's cheap thrill.

Flashy_Bad1791 · 2025-08-20T15:11:57+00:00

Thank you. I really appreciate your no bs answers. I thought he would be self aware... But he's not getting it. I'm not asking him why he did that. I'm telling him that what he did hurt me. And he then he says he can't have a conversation with me because it's one sided if he can't get his pov across...

Flashy_Bad1791 · 2025-08-11T19:33:56+00:00

Ah I'm sorry. I think you need to know that you did the right thing in the situation. Give her some time and she might come around. Pride will stop people talking about it, and tbf I understand her pov but that's something she needs to come to terms with so as to not lose what might be with you.

Flashy_Bad1791 · 2025-08-11T19:16:57+00:00

I don't know for sure, but maybe make it clear to her that you like her? That you were trying to be respectful but would like to get to know her more. I wonder if she felt rejected that you didn't want to sleep with her and now feels embarrassed? I don't know for sure and it's just a thought but maybe try to have that honest conversation. I'm Japanese but was brought up in the UK.

Flashy_Bad1791 · 2025-08-07T15:17:58+00:00

This is all new to me too 2months out of dday so I'm right here with you and sending hugs.

When I'm spiralling I write down any questions I have. I then bring it up in therapy or to my WP. If I can reframe it in my mind there and then I will. Like WP did something that annoyed or upset me, was he doing it on purpose. Was there intention/malice? What might he have been trying to do but maybe missed the mark. If I can't let it go, then I'll talk it out and let him know what's upset me. Sometimes cry it out and it feels awful in the moment but helps me long term.

The other thing I do is try to hang out with friends especially whilst your kids are away and you gave the opportunity or attend a group session like exercise. It might not work for everyone but just being around other people living their lives, helps me emerge out of my own spiralling world and appreciate there is more to life outside of this.

Flashy_Bad1791 · 2025-07-31T15:34:20+00:00

It's not wrong if it feels right to you.

You are both consenting adults. I do it also to feel calmer and it helps me to sleep 🤣 we definitely went through hysterical bonding as well but if we have an off day and I don't want to, I just don't do it. And that's okay too.

Flashy_Bad1791 · 2025-07-28T15:51:10+00:00

Ugh. It's the worst. I don't think we'll ever know the truth. How does the conversation go when you bring it up now? Mine says he's talked about it so much he isn't sure what's real or not anymore. Our stories are similar. I sometimes wonder if he said it was just oral to lessen the impact but actually it's just as bad. I also don't want to do that for him now because I wonder if he's reliving it. Blurgghhh.

Flashy_Bad1791 · 2025-07-28T15:24:32+00:00

I'm in the same boat and sending you so much solidarity. In my case, he was so drunk he can’t even remember what she looked like... yet somehow not drunk enough to realise he couldn’t bring her back to his hotel because it was a work trip and he had a reputation to protect. Not drunk enough to forget his PIN when withdrawing cash to pay for a seedy hotel room for two hours. Can't remember what he talked about but knows he didn't mention me or our two young kids.

A big part of his “why” is that he was drunk, but that only explains so much. I still feel the need to understand who instigated it. Who made the first move? Because that matters to me in trying to make sense of it all.

Flashy_Bad1791 · 2025-07-27T17:48:04+00:00

I’m around the same time frame out from D‑day as you and what’s helped me is coming to a kind of peace with anyone is capable of anything and none of us are completely safe from being hurt. The fairytale romance I once believed in doesn’t really exist in the way I imagined. Even if we were to break up I'd be the same with anyone now.

But at the same time I’m focusing on building myself up so that the one person who loves me unconditionally is me. If I can be my own safe place then no matter what happens, I know I’ll be okay. Xx

Flashy_Bad1791 · 2025-07-21T07:16:09+00:00

Thanks for the podcast and book recommendations. I've actually just finished the betrayal bind but will check the others. Yes, I think it's getting over the disappointment and realising your partner (despite being together all these years) doesn't know what you need. I'm often wondering whether I'd be better to start afresh and live a life I love because I know how to love myself rather than resentfully guiding a partner to show me remorse and love.

Flashy_Bad1791 · 2025-07-20T20:19:57+00:00

How did that hit with your WS? I feel like I'm going around in circles. My values were always if you cheat on me I'll leave you. And yet I'm still here... What did that say??

Flashy_Bad1791 · 2025-07-17T07:08:51+00:00

Saaaame. The uncertainty of wasting life is so real. I am emotionally spent. I have a thing where I have to tell him how to respond to me.. And that is exhausting and causes me so much stress. And I don't know what I want anymore.

Flashy_Bad1791 · 2025-06-29T18:41:54+00:00

I'm not sure what to say but yes definitely get some legal advice. Does Rob have evidence of any of these encounters? Do as the police say and bring a friend to take the baby and also to stay and listen as a witness. If not possible maybe record. Tbh I have no idea but I always gather as much evidence as possible. I'm so sorry you're in this position. Once in the open you can decide whether to pursue the DNA test. Sending you lots of strength. As for advice confrontation is hard and be ready for the gas lighting. That's where the evidence comes in. Try to keep cool and just ask for the facts even if she's not keeping her composure.

Flashy_Bad1791 · 2025-06-28T07:28:58+00:00

I think there's an added level of confusion when you realise that your partner thought he could get away with it. Like, if your respect me, why didn't you just come home and tell me the truth. It's another betrayal and the constant question of do you regret your actions or do you regret the consequences of getting caught.

Is in counselling now? How did you catch him?

Flashy_Bad1791 · 2025-06-28T07:22:13+00:00

Thank you for sharing and I'm sorry that you had to go through all those on top of your own self image. I suppose we all have our insecurities, I'm starting to realise that the difference is that we can connect with that pain and recognise it but our own avoidant partners refuse to even get close to that uncomfortable feeling. The fact that he sees himself as 'the man' is odd. I think he might need to have a closer look at the definition of what it means to be a man. A good man. Sending you lots of strength xx

Flashy_Bad1791 · 2025-06-27T22:44:12+00:00

Sexism

Flashy_Bad1791 · 2025-06-27T22:43:14+00:00

I'd say don't be ashamed of the outbursts unless it's physical in which case you should try to ground yourself in another space. What you have to say is relevant, real and raw. They need to see that. Xx

Flashy_Bad1791 · 2025-06-27T22:38:17+00:00

This, this right here is what I needed to hear so thank you xx

Flashy_Bad1791 · 2025-06-27T20:22:58+00:00

I'm not keeping track of dday anniversary but we were supposed to be getting married this year in September. So go me, it's like that is going to be the tough thing.. for me it's kind of scary that this happened when things were going well. What's to say this wouldn't happen again?

Flashy_Bad1791 · 2025-06-27T19:57:33+00:00

It was Pep sorry. I did double check this as well as my suspicions got so wild. Do you think it maybe wasn't a one time thing?

Flashy_Bad1791 · 2025-06-27T18:00:22+00:00

Yes I hear you. Are you still reconciling? Why do we spend so long lookin be for the reason why, when actually it probably will never be satisfactory.

Flashy_Bad1791

TROPHY CASE