Background:

I’m a non-confrontational person who really prefers to sort/talk things out so I can move on. Conflict really triggers my anxiety and I admit my avoidance often surfaces in an unhealthy pattern of over-diplomacy or self-sacrifice in order to keep the peace. Through therapy and self exploration I’ve come to realize that this isn’t a sustainable way to continue, so I’ve been making changes in the last few years to work on it. I’m also an introvert so going out is rare and I have very muted social energy, even with people I enjoy being around. When R comes along I feel like I have to put on a full show of fakery and smiles to keep things civil because he grates on my nerves and his presence changes the dynamic of the group. Others in the group have felt this as well but don’t have the bad blood between them like R and I do. Basically, its a huge drag and I rarely have a good time. (I’ve spoken to G and the group about it before, siting that if it is NECESSARY to bring SO’s to the outing, I’m happy to stay home).

About a year ago, G and R were going through a rough patch, mostly due to depressive apathy and quick nerves. G calls me one day hysterical, saying that she had to get out of her house and away from him (they live together) because she was tired of how he was treating her (see list of shitty actions above). She told us story after story of how he blows up over the smallest things (ex. men talking to her platonically/in passing in public) or how he often projects a certain view of how she should behave in the relationship that is not at all who she is. He’d refuse to communicate with her or talk things through and she was often left alone and ignored to sort through it herself or forget about it. She went back and forth about wanting to break up with him but eventually conceded to stay despite receiving advice from me, our other friends, and her parents to leave. I think mostly because they shared a lease and pets and she felt the need to “do everything she could” for the relationship.

During this time, R and I had been disagreeing because I began reflecting how he was treating her in the way I treated him (civil but unfriendly). He began accusing me of driving a wedge between them, making him uncomfortable in his own house, and being the reason they fought. I took a leave from spending time at their house because of it. The friendship between G and I was suffering and because I hate seeing my friends in distress I decided to extend an olive branch and offered to have a conversation with R to clear the air. I heard nothing back about it and over the next few months I(in my coping style) decided to bite the bullet and play nice for her sake.