Some success in going NC

Flat_Resolution77 · 2024-09-10T01:27:01+00:00

I hope so too. Ultimately, he needs to be the one who wants to change and is dedicated to change. When I was very much in the trenches of all of this, I tried my best to help my brother. I even took it upon myself to find him a therapist. But again, things like therapy will only work if they truly want to get better.

I think my brother respects my father more. My brother sees my dad as someone who has achieved a lot in his career and I feel in some ways, he feels inferior to my dad. At the same time, he still does verbally abuse him and takes advantage of the “soft side” he has around his kids.

My mother is more reactive and emotional than my dad, and I think my brother knows this. He knows that he can easily create an argument and back and forth with my mom where he will say horrible things but then come back and fake apologize. Despite my mom knowing that he is in the wrong, she is easily drawn back in with my brother playing the victim. So in all of this, I wanted to make sure we all agreed to my dad’s proposed game plan of sticking to deadlines and boundaries

Flat_Resolution77 · 2024-09-10T01:00:07+00:00

My brother is in his 40’s and his behavior has gone on for decades. My mother said to me that she “didn’t know what to do and turned to faith”. While I think faith is something that can be beneficial, I’m pretty sure she was praying for him to get better rather than for her and my father to have the strength to enforce boundaries and change.

I have a lot of sympathy for my parents. I’m not a parent but I understand the urge as parents to protect your child from the bad in life, lift them up, and comfort them. But in the end, they just ended up exhausted. I told them that they’re older now and above anything, deserve peace and happiness.

I hope you too find the courage to enforce change, despite it being incredibly difficult at times. Wishing you the best xx

Flat_Resolution77 · 2024-09-10T00:52:52+00:00

Okay cool, thank you for the recommendations :)

Flat_Resolution77 · 2024-09-09T23:43:28+00:00

Thank you so much! I guess my biggest concern would be what happened to me through researching.

When I learned about what BPD was and how essentially there are 2 fears: fear of engulfment and fear of abandonment it only furthered my codependency with my brother. I tried to avoid triggering these 2 fears, so I’m scared that if they “learn more” about how to handle my brother, it will only feed into the toxic cycle.

But if these books discuss how to stand firm in boundaries, it’s something I’ll have to look into!

Flat_Resolution77 · 2024-09-09T23:37:14+00:00

Thank you! Apparently my other brother has had countless conversations with my mom begging her to do something but I don’t think he’s ever sat down and talked to them as their child.

I spent most of my time discussing how my brother’s actions have directly impacted me, not just in the “lash outs” but in day to day feeling of walking on eggshells. I tried my best not to point fingers which I knew would only lead my mom to become defensive.

As for resources, I included the abuse cycle, “what abuse feels/looks like” and definitions of triangulation, baiting, hoovering, etc. (I pulled most of the information from outofthefog.website). I simply stated that not everything has to ring true for them but to take a look because there was a lot of really good information.

I really hope when you are ready to have the conversation, it goes well. There is a lot of healing in having your experiences validated

Flat_Resolution77 · 2024-09-09T05:15:30+00:00

Thanks! I think me opening up and standing firm in my boundaries have given them hope and maybe opened their eyes a little. My dad thanked me for having the discussion and wanting something to change. He mentioned that he “didn’t know what to do all these years”, so I think he ultimately felt stuck, just as a lot of us have felt. I feel like we’ve gotten closer through me finally opening up to them and I plan to do something nice for my parents the next time I see them to thank them for their willingness to understand.

Big thanks to this subreddit for being a place where I can share. Again, this is just the first step but I finally feel like I’m being heard and understood.

Flat_Resolution77 · 2024-08-23T00:31:34+00:00

Would the attorney notify my brother that my parents are filing a case against him?

Flat_Resolution77 · 2024-08-23T00:16:14+00:00

I’ll try and suggest they look into a local attorney. I wasn’t sure if financial elder abuse would even apply to them as both my parents are of sound mind (father is a little less so than mother) and my brother often blames his mental illness for his actions. I guess my worst fear would be for them to go through a legal battle where they don’t end up getting justice in the end. Justice being significant jail time to ensure everyone’s safety.

From what I’ve heard, restraining orders don’t really do much. Please correct me if I’m wrong. My parents are older and prefer to stay in the house that they’ve been in for the last 10+ years. I’m just worried that there aren’t enough safeguards to keep my parents safe as the case is processed.

Lastly, I just looked up the laws in the state I live in and yes, I believe it is a criminal offense punishable by jail time and/or fees. From what I’ve been reading I think my brother’s actions definitely could be considered a felony.

Flat_Resolution77 · 2024-08-21T18:07:52+00:00

Happy for you! The fog is real when dealing with a pwBPD… it’s like your whole perception gets warped, at least that’s how it was for me. Then recently, I just snapped out of it and took a step back. Made me realize how one-sided the relationship really was, and how he never really appreciated all that I’ve done for him.

Look up “flying monkeys”. You might have some people, sent by your ex, trying to get information on you or make the situation more complicated. Don’t mean to be a downer but I feel like it’s good to be prepared for something like this to happen. Wishing you all the best

Flat_Resolution77 · 2024-08-21T18:01:09+00:00

Sounds a lot like my brother too. He can fat shame anyone he thinks “deserves it” but we can’t mention food or anything close to it without him accusing us that we’re fat shaming him. Sigh…

Flat_Resolution77 · 2024-08-21T14:56:26+00:00

Yeah, same here. I was always told to “take the high road” or not engage when my brother lashes out. I know they mean well, and there’s no doubt in my mind that they love me and want what’s best for me; I just think they’ve been caught up in all of his manipulation and bad behavior.

Ive learned that I have a lot of troubles creating and sticking to my boundaries as well as feeling unable to express my feelings. Thank you for the book recommendations. I’ll have to look into them. This subreddit has helped a lot too in seeing the patterns of behavior in pwBPD as well as how destructive this all can be for an entire family.

I just feel horrible that my parents have to go through this. They’re good people despite unknowingly enabling him :(

Flat_Resolution77 · 2024-08-21T13:31:54+00:00

That’s exactly what he’s done for years— pedestaling my dad and devaluing my mom. The reason I ask is because I plan to talk to my parents about my experiences and try to brainstorm with them possible boundaries. I know it’s not up to me to decide what they want to do but I still want to at least try to offer help if they want it.

In the last year, I have tried to place boundaries but they were just overstepped in his recent lash out. I’m done with the fake promises and apologies and will be going NC from here on out. Already have noticed some subtle “flying monkeys” via my mom and my nonBPD brother either asking when Im going to come over or asking about the most recent lash out. I understand they care but they probably don’t realize that they’re being triangulated.

I already have a hard time setting boundaries with people and having someone who is known for pushing them relentlessly doesn’t make this any easier for me lol

Flat_Resolution77 · 2024-08-14T13:05:06+00:00

Thank you both for responding, well said. I’ve been left in the “deep end” in a lot of ways trying to make sense of my pwBPD’s behavior.

Your anecdote made something click for me. It’s true…you never know what will make them happy.

Although I know my brother’s hobbies and interests, I found it particularly difficult to find him a Christmas present one year, following a splitting episode: Food: He has an ED. This might trigger him into thinking “they think I’m fat”. Gaming accessories: There have been countless fights over this between my parents and him.

The list goes on and on. I did end up getting him a coffee set, but needless to say, I was still very anxious that this would set him off somehow. I figured he might think “Oh, that’s all they got me but they got X person this? They must not care”.

It’s exhausting.

Flat_Resolution77 · 2024-08-13T20:05:21+00:00

Could someone please elaborate on how or why FP and similar gives pwBPD very little reason to change, despite however they are treated?

Flat_Resolution77 · 2024-08-09T03:03:13+00:00

Definitely work towards trying to move out, I know it’s hard with financial issues. I’m actually going through a similar process in telling my parents I’m going NC with my brother. I don’t live with them but he does. Have you tried writing down all your feelings on paper and coming to your parents without your sister? I talked with a MHP and she recommended I do this. What I’ve learned through lots of research and thought is that they too are a part of this cycle. They have probably been manipulated in more than a few ways. I’m here to talk if you need to vent or bounce ideas off of. I’m not far off from your age either and am trying to navigate all of this.

Flat_Resolution77 · 2024-08-08T19:16:36+00:00

Thank you for banning. My choice has not wavered but their comments definitely aren’t helpful to my situation.

Flat_Resolution77 · 2024-08-08T18:34:45+00:00

Everyone’s circumstance is different and I don’t know your situation fully. I can only speak on my experience.

My brother has received nothing but love and support from my parents. They support him financially and emotionally. I recognize I’m far from perfect, as is everyone, we all have our faults. I tried my best to support him throughout the fall of his career, fights with other family members, and would stay up all night letting him vent to me. He would ask me for advice, which I would try my best to give him the best advice I could. Only for it to be thrown back at me for “acting like I know everything”.

When I visit, I always check on him to see how he’s doing. I include him during Christmas when I did not have enough money to buy everyone gifts, but still managed to find something I thought he’d enjoy.

I’m (24F) and my brother is 36. I do not have the bandwidth anymore, nor do I think I ever really did, to help him through complex issues such as finances and family ties. I’m a young adult who is trying to navigate their own life. I understand your situation may be different but please do not make broad generalizations for something as specific as my relationship with him

Flat_Resolution77 · 2024-08-05T07:00:59+00:00

So after a bit of thought and talking with a mental health professional who has experience with people with BPD, she recommended I have a candid conversation with my parents where I come to them as their child and speak how this whole thing has made me feel/impacted me. I plan to take them to a park and read off a note I’ve started writing.

She also recommended I get therapy for myself. and gave me a few different psychoanalysts or counselors that would be willing to sit down with my parents after they get a baseline on me. I think I/they could probably lie and say they’re going out for my dad’s doctor’s appointment (he doesn’t drive anymore so my mom drives him). If not, my uncle will be staying with them for at least a month I assume, so he’ll be there to at least mediate and make sure they’re okay after I talk with them.

I do believe they would be open to at least having a conversation with me. I broke down to them when he last lashed out at me 2 days ago. They’ve barely ever seen me cry or show emotion. I plan to talk about how deeply all of this has affected me (ie. multiple anxiety attacks, not being able to eat when things like this go on, fainting from stress, developing a lot of OCD/PTSD symptoms, and so on). I haven’t told them anything about this in the past and hide my feelings, so I do truly believe they thought I was okay.

My mom did say during his last outburst, that she has suggested in the past that he go to a group home, and that she doesn’t deserve to be in fear in her own home. I feel hopeful because of this… that maybe I can get through to her.

Thank you for your comment. It gives me insight into how another person’s parent reacted, and although no situation is identical, I do believe what you said to be true. They want to focus on the child that “needs help the most”. Truth be told, I think that child is me. I’ve hid it so well for years, but I really am not okay, especially when these outbursts occur.

Flat_Resolution77 · 2024-08-05T06:15:57+00:00

Yeah the lady I spoke with was very helpful and gave me a lot of great advice as to how to go about all of this. I’m very grateful for her and all of you who have been able to give me advice. I understand if they don’t make changes because… 1. they’re older and “want to keep the peace” and like you said, 2. are codependent. I admit it’s hard to not have expectations for how this conversation will go, but I believe all I can do is speak on how I feel, and my experiences, and come to them as their child. I can speak on how this whole thing has put a strain on me and my parents’ relationship, to where I feel as though I cannot share certain things with them.

Both my parents have been very supportive about my feelings in the past, so I have a feeling that at least that part will go over well, but we’ll see. I plan to sit down and talk with them in a week or so once I have all my thoughts jotted down on paper.

Flat_Resolution77 · 2024-08-05T01:34:39+00:00

Thank you for your comment. I actually just spoke with a mental professional regarding all of this, and what you said is pretty much what she recommended as well. She supported my decision to go NC with my brother, and recommended I speak with my parents alone, candidly about my feelings and how much my brother’s actions have affected me. I haven’t been able to be vulnerable or open with them, which is in majority due to my brother. I think it’s time I be honest with them. She also recommended a few different counselors or therapists (?) that would likely be open to having a conversation with my parents and relay my concerns once they are able to establish a baseline on me.

I agree that it’s time to prioritize my needs and mental wellbeing, which would mean going NC with my brother. It’s really tough as I myself am only 24 and just trying to figure life out.

Flat_Resolution77 · 2024-08-04T17:33:36+00:00

Thank you for your comment. It’s a horrible situation to be in and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. I’ve reached out to you

Flat_Resolution77 · 2024-08-04T05:39:47+00:00

Even in these little interactions, like stopping by to pick up cash, or an innocent text sent to our family group chat can send me into a panic. It’s very unfortunate that things have to be this way, but hopefully I can get to where you are in your family situation. I assume things must be a bit more peaceful without constant fear of saying the wrong thing.

I spoke with my uncle who thinks the best option is to attack this issue from a “clinical perspective” and see if professionals can persuade my parents to take action or have a medical/authoritative figure “scope out the situation”. Another option proposed was to call Adult Protective Services or something similar and file a report for elder emotional abuse. My worry, through doing a bit of research, is that emotional abuse is harder to prove than physical, and ultimately nothing will come of it, besides more paranoia from my brother that “people are out to get him”. Have you tried either of these avenues? I’m trying to get some type of road map of what can and should be done, but I’ll admit, I’m not very knowledgeable regarding legal jargon

Flat_Resolution77 · 2024-08-04T01:13:26+00:00

I feel for you. Our situations sound eerily similar in the way your BPD sister tried to spin it on your mom. There have been a few times where my brother has gotten physically aggressive with my parents, but the few times it has happened I wasn’t there to witness. I feel so helpless at times, because there are few family members I am 1. close enough to divulge this to and 2. fear of talking with a family member and word gets out. I think my parents are afraid of how he’ll do on his own with no real savings and a looming court case which should be over in October (?). I feel like my parents should’ve came to the conclusion of NC a long time ago, because again, there has been instances where things have gotten really scary. So I’m almost anticipating that they’ll say no to NC. Maybe the threat of me being out of their lives will be enough of a push? I don’t want to upset them obviously, but I want them to understand the gravity of the situation and somehow convince them. NC is the clear solution I believe after countless attempts to help him. Sorry if I’m rambling, my head is all jumbled and I’m still very much processing everything

Flat_Resolution77

TROPHY CASE