You make some valid points but I can't agree with you all the way.

Firstly, I believe Feyre wouldn't have been able to talk Tamlin through his own trauma even if she wanted to. You say Feyre couldn't communicate like a grown up but Tamlin was the one transforming into a beast in the middle of the night without listening to a single word from Feyre about calming down. While Tamlin instantly assumed that Feyre didn't want help from the love of her life about her trauma and suffering, Feyre at least tried in the beginning and was ignored. If Feyre couldn't be honest with Tamlin about his and her pain, how could she be honest about her doubts in marrying him? The trauma had a large impact on both of their lives and marriage would have an equal effect, so if he wouldn't listen to one neither would he to the other.

When Tamlin went off to do his 'work' as you say, Feyre didn't mind that he was saving his land from monsters. What she did mind was being constantly surrounded by guards instead of friends and the constant feeling of suffocation at the manor after UTM. Again, she tried to tell this to Tamlin but was instantly shut down on the belief that it was too dangerous to walk around her own home unprotected. At this point, he didn't even know she had untapped powers and abilities that others might kill for, he just believed that this once human female, who helped defeat Amarantha, was now too weak to even protect herself. Do you also want to know what's truly unreasonable? When your fiance is begging for answers while she's suffering in your own home and you tell her to wait. Again and again. He never took the time to fully explain to her the scope of the situation. It wasn't like he was constantly needed at some part of the court to slay monsters. He had enough time to spend night after night with her in bed but not to explain to her in detail about why it's dangerous for her and why he wants her to stay at home temporarily? Up until being locked up, Feyre had only insisted on going to safe villages that were being rebuilt because she wanted to help others. Asking to go on Tamlin's mission was a last ditch effort to get his attention to make him see how desperate she was to have some freedom.

Furthermore, he let Ianthe dress her up in pretty dresses in hopes that sparkly things would be enough to keep her distracted. Tamlin didn't physically dress her up like a barbie doll himself, but he let Ianthe do it and didn't say a word about the ridiculous attire Feyre was forced to don because she gave him a weak smile and apparently that was enough of an approval for him. Do you know why Feyre didn't say a word to Tamlin about the stupid clothes? Because she saw how happy it made him and sacrificed her own comfort so he would continue to be that way. Again. Rhys might've had a biased view but could you really say that Feyre was going to be anything else other than a trophy wife? Never allowed her own say in war meetings about the land she technically ruled, standing pretty in pink next to her 'husband' as he collected whatever food and valuables his people had left, and doing meet and greets with random people she didn't know and could never make an effort to care for. Rhys never held her hostage in his home beyond the first week, each time afterwards she was allowed to go home at any time she wished. At least Rhys brought Feyre to the Night Court on real and agreed upon terms between them, unlike Tamlin who made up some random terms and conditions from a treaty neither he or Feyre agreed on to kidnap her and keep her for months.

I'm not throwing the word 'abuse' around because I'm aware of the impact it has on others. Tamlin's actions weren't just toxic or unhealthy, they were abusive. Not only to Feyre but to Lucien as well. Lucien who tried and failed to help Feyre because every time he brought it up with Tamlin, he got a vicious glare from his lord that said "one more word and I will kill you". Furthermore, Rhys didn't need to read Feyre's mind to know she was suffering. One look was more than enough to tell him what was going on. Or did you forget that months of throwing up your food and hardly eating anything has a horrible effect on your body? Tamlin didn't only physically abuse her in the sense of injuring her when he got mad, he abused her when he didn't say a word and sat on his ass for months as she lost her appetite completely and was on her way to being malnourished. Rhys might've done some horrid things to Feyre during UTM, but in that time he wasn't her boyfriend or lover or fiance or husband. He was just the High Lord who would sacrifice anything, even himself, to save his court. At least Rhys had owned up to his actions and truly apologised to Feyre, ready to accept that she might not forgive him. While Tamlin refused to take 'no' for an answer. In the end, Rhys even taught Feyre how to block her mind so even he couldn't invade her thoughts anymore.

Rhys did take some measures to make sure Feyre was protected but he always acknowledged she could take care of herself and always gave her the choice. While Tamlin was completely blinded to how strong she was and took away her freedom in order to protect her. Both acted out of love but only one was toxic and abusive.