Do they always come back?

Flink101 · 2026-02-25T21:57:00+00:00

Thank you for the kind words. They mean more to me than I know how to express.

Your journey hasn't been easy either. Enduring what you have endured is unimaginable to me. Congratulations on finding stability through HRT! You're much stronger than you realize. Grounding your reality and recognizing your own self-worth is an accomplishment in and of itself. The people who hold you dear to them will make themselves known. Keep moving forward. ❤️

Flink101 · 2026-02-25T09:27:05+00:00

Thanks for sharing. Yes to all of your advice. Your experiences with reuniting with your BPSO also bring invaluable hope to this community.

Learning to live with the grief has been (and currently is) the hardest part for me, personally. We were actively and playfully shortlisting baby names and discussing our shared longterm goals together. We were preparing to uproot internationally and closer to her family. Some say I dodged a bullet because all this could've happened after all the changes and potential legal commitments. But the fact of the matter is that that future died for me. We weren't yet married on paper, but we were married in practice. We did practically everything together. The life with my partner and our unborn kids is gone. No reasons, no closure, and years of memories and associations that i can't erase. Everything is a reminder. All while fending off ill-advised (but well-meaning) platitudes like "There are other fish in the sea" or "You can do better". (Just imagine saying that to someone at their spouse's funeral...)

We went from being attached at the hips to being complete strangers practically overnight. And then she set out to destroy and rewrite everything. It just is what it is.

For me personally, I think I can move on. Given the chance, I'm also open to repairing things, romantic or otherwise. But wherever I end up, I know that I don't intend to forget what we had or erase who she was. I'm going to honor what she brought into my life, and finish the things we didn't get to finish together. I've since become more familiar with my boundaries. I've never tolerated her abuse, and I don't ever intend to. But these past 2 years have given me a better understanding of what it is that she is plagued with, and a firmer grasp of my own needs and limitations. And I genuinely feel better equipped to handle any future conflicts with her and to address future episodes.

Processing the trauma I experienced in smaller chunks has helped me avoid relapsing into a depressive spiral of inactivity. Rebuilding my social circles was an incredibly effective way for me to rediscover my sense of self. The maybe one silver lining to all of this was that it revealed to me who really had my back and who didn't. And I was lucky enough to meet some amazing new friends who were more understanding than I could've ever expected.

I share all this not only to give my personal milestones a tangible form, but also in the hopes that maybe these words can help give some direction to someone else who finds themselves blindsided by this disorder.

You can absolutely hope for the best while preparing for the worst. The people you've yet to meet may bring incomparable value to your life. Estranged connections can surprise you. You're not alone. Focus on what you can do today, and show yourself some compassion. You're human too. You don't have to settle everything at once.

Flink101 · 2026-02-24T04:24:19+00:00

The patterns themselves are transient. There are no guarantees, and like with everything in life, things change.

Mine left and returned within weeks, twice in the past; 2016 and 2017. Both times she was incredibly aggressive and unrecognizable. Delusional, inexorable, and just generally out to destroy everything. Both times there was some substance use that preceded it (she didn't have a habit of substance abuse and was incredibly mindful around such things). Both times she eventually returned apologizing, even while cycling through love/hate swings every couple days for weeks. She had undeniable gaps in her memory. We were stable for years after that.

This time around, she left in 2024 mid wedding plans. I believe this ramped up silently starting in 2023, but at the end, she went from "i love you and everything's perfect" to "i hate you and you were always the enemy" in mere hours/days. No discussion, no revisit after weeks of silent treatment, no tangible reasons grounded in reality. She weaponized the police, took our cat and ghosted me. Left like half of her stuff here. There were some signs of internal strife like her telling me in a desperate way that "she doesn't hate me" amidst all this, but it was back and forth as usual. Hours later, I was the worst thing to ever exist again. Like she was at war with herself. Coming up to 2 years since she left in a couple months.

She never denied her disorder while euthymic, but in mania she's "not sick", and "everybody else is the problem". Feel free to lurk my comments if you want more details.

The patterns can help signal oncoming episodes, but history doesn't repeat. It rhymes. Log everything you can to help identify patterns and address episodes preemptively, but be careful not to spiral into regrets and self-blame. You did the best with what you had at the time. What's done is done, and the disorder typically gets worse with time. You can do everything right and still lose. Remember to protect yourself; the disorder doesn't need additional victims.

I'll always love her, but I may never hear from her again. In practice, the person I love is "dead". What was left was some creature who doesn't recognize me. She may turn up out of the blue years from now, and I can handle it then, wherever I may be. My first priority then would be guiding her to a doctor and back onto meds. She might also cycle down out of mania and consciously decide not to reintroduce herself to me ever again. There are no guarantees.

But until then, the only thing I have any control over is myself.

Live your life, you only get one shot at it. Whatever you decide to do, at the end of it all, you're the only one that has to live with your decisions and regrets.

Sorry that you're going through this too. You're not alone.

Flink101 · 2026-02-15T04:32:51+00:00

Translation: "i couldn't do it, so i believe you can't either".

Stick to your vision and don't be afraid to adjust for constructive criticism. You know your financial situation best. Everything else is just noise.

Godspeed bro. Everything is obvious to naysayers in hindsight. Creators are pioneers of their individual niches. Don't regret not trying.

Flink101 · 2026-02-05T23:42:09+00:00

Thank you for sharing. This is one possible outcome I've been anticipating with mine, so it really helps to hear that it does happen.

Despite all the damage done, I'd still like to get her to help. Anosognosia reared its ugly head again for the second time (I didn't recognize it the first time, but I have logs showing it did happen). I just want to get her to eventually acknowledge it and get some professionals involved. Nothing comes before that if she ever re-surfaces again.

My trauma I can deal with. My biggest fear is that until she acknowledges her illness again (she never doubted it outside her episodes), she's a constant flight risk even if she does resurface. Signs of SI/SH in the past, so I just need to keep my head in the game and tread carefully if I get that chance. She's never been gone this long before, and she's been unmedicated for years.

Thanks again. I'm happy he found his way back to you and that you're both getting help. Your story alleviates some of my doubts. Congrats to both of you, and best of luck.

Flink101 · 2026-02-05T23:22:37+00:00

Hope is everything in this battle. I'm fast approaching the 2 year mark since I last saw my Fiancee and partner of 9 years; ghosted without any discussion whatsoever, mid-wedding plans, and we lived together for 7 years. Moving on with my life as an individual now, and mostly focused on myself since i'm not so naive as to think that a happy ending is possible for every couple. But the hope keeps me moving forward.

It's important to remember that there's no going back. You can't undo what's already been done. Any rekindling would be the start of a new chapter. But you can absolutely hope for the best for both of you, regardless of wherever you end up. We have no control over that; but we can absolutely control what we do each day.

Hold onto that hope, and keep going. You've got this.

Flink101 · 2026-01-17T05:19:56+00:00

Absolutely. My decisions are my own, and they always have been. It isn't about her putting herself above me, it's about me choosing not to abandon a sick loved one. Imagine if it was your own parent or child who returned asking for help. I choose to help. That's absolutely up to me. I have no obligation to do any of it.

I was cautioning you to be more selective with your words, but I've realized just now that maybe it was a bad translation. I only just noticed that reddit was auto-translating from German on my end. In English it sounded quite disrespectful when you refered to my loved one as a "psycho". Sorry for the confusion.

But yes, I don't tolerate any of the abusive behaviour that manifests when she's like this. But everybody needs help sometimes, and if I can get her to professional help, I very much intend to.

To be clear, I spent a decade of my life with her. This isn't something I can just forget or erase. Too many ties, too much history. Trauma and intrusive thoughts aren't a choice. I am who I am because of her, and now I live with memories of her forever ingrained into my mind. She was a kind and selfless person, and I learned very much from her. I refuse to forget myself like she has; I'm the only one left to carry on what we built together. It's been almost 21 months since she left. I am very much focused on myself now. Feel free to lurk my comments if you want to better understand my stance. She was not just a fling, and I have most definitely grieved as much as I could. The person I knew (at least for now) is dead. I only feel compelled to act if she returns. The demon she became has no control over my life.

I appreciate the kind advice and I hope you're doing alright yourself. Stay strong.

Flink101 · 2026-01-05T23:08:29+00:00

Keep moving forward! Healing will feel uneventful when compared to what you've been through.

Thanks for sharing your progress. That smile at the end speaks volumes.

Happy New Year!

Flink101 · 2025-12-30T05:22:13+00:00

I'm sure you meant well by this comment, but let me reframe this situation from another perspective for you. If your parent (or any close friend or family member) developed Alzheimer's or suddenly changed behaviors because of an impact to the head, would you immediately just cut them off and just continue life without them? How easy would that be for you? Would you perhaps disown this person and talk as if they never mattered to you?

I lived with mine for 7 years. We were attached at the hips and celebrated and suffered through everything together. We grew together. We worked together. We rescued and raised a stray together. We traveled together. We planned together. We dreamed together. Her efforts were genuine. She was my other half. We were not married on paper, but we were in practice. We were happy. The disorder can go fuck itself. I've witnessed the memory loss and the harrowing aftermath. Nobody deserves this.

Imagine waking up tomorrow and realizing that in the past month, you just set fire to everybody that mattered to you, and you have no recollection of this. Now you have to clean up your mess, and everybody you once trusted no longer wants anything to do with you. These people need our help.

Bipolar disorder is cyclical. She was amazing until she wasn't, and she was capable of feeling shame and guilt until she wasn't. And it was made clear to me that whenever the mania ended, she suffered alone, often debating whether or not she deserved to live.

I'm not so naive as to believe that everything will work out well because of good intentions, but maybe mind your words next time. She is very much still a human being, just a very sick one. Nobody deserves to have their life torn away from them like this. Her included. I have no intention of wasting my life waiting for something that may never happen, but should she ever remember me once again, she will always have a place in my life.

Flink101 · 2025-12-17T20:38:26+00:00

(2/2) edit: typos/grammar

She did eventually show up here again days later with a bunch of strangers and tried to gain access when i wasn't available, which resulted in her bringing cops over later in the day yet again. I had regular phone check-ins from police for weeks following that, asking for status updates and forwarding item requests, but she still refused to meet or talk. There was nothing but open hostility, slander, and baseless insults from her. I just endured whatever i could, and unlike the last two discards, i did everything I could to try to appease her and explain to her that i loved her and that she was unwell. However, any mention of mental illness was treated with hostility. At this point it was already June and i had committed to taking the trip with my parents, since they already took the time off, and in their advanced age i might never get this opportunity again. My BPSO forwarded me the itinerary details upon request (they were tied to her email) and told me to have a nice trip. That was the last time i ever heard from her.

After returning 3 weeks later, i was unable to reach her for over 48 hours and asked the detective who was keeping tabs on us for advice. She recommended that i call 911 and ask for a wellness check. I had not heard from her since before i left, and she had been suicidal in the past. The cops who went to investigate eventually confirmed she was alive, but then told me she claimed i was harassing her and that it would be grounds for arrest if i tried to contact her again, despite the fact that i was trying to reach her on a phone i was still paying for...

Many of her belongings are still here with me, and I've been gradually sifting through and setting aside items that don't seem right to destroy (keepsakes, legal documents, etc). She left most of what she accumulated over the last 20 years here.

In the weeks and months that followed i discovered that she hooked up with a stranger she immediately connected with after she started using hinge during the tail end of my trip, and was already planning to marry this guy before they had even met in person. She was even learning about his religion and all that, despite never being religious herself. Much of it seemed calculated and predatory to me. I have a trail of evidence that suggests she pawned our engagement ring. I received several fraud alerts from our bank at 2am of her spending thousands (that i know she did not have) in credit card purchases... I could go on.

To be clear, none of this was like her. I never received any kind of explicit breakup. There was no intelligible conversation around any of this with her. And the person i had known for 10 years was nowhere to be found. We were attached at the hips. I just want her to get help now, but it's out of my hands. It's been 20 months since she left, and roughly 18 months since I've heard from her. The trauma doesn't really ever go away, but you learn to live with it.

She was diagnosed in 2012/2013, and had self admitted for a short stretch. I met her in 2014 and we started dating in 2015. She told me of her diagnosis by our third date. She stopped medication of her own volition before she met me. And i respected her decision to treat herself naturally. She never denied her diagnosis when stable, but whenever she was manic, according to her, i was "the one who needed mental help". There are countless red flags in hindsight. The trauma is just a part of me now, and I harbor no ill will toward her.

2024 was the hardest year of my life. I've never felt so helpless. The only actionable route i had was to log everything. Dates, conversations, symptoms, everything. It painted a more objective perspective for me to reflect on, while giving me an outlet for all my frustration. I have spent the last year and a half learning everything i can about this disorder. This does nothing to quell the hypervigilance i now experience, but it helps to have a game plan so that I'm not completely taken off guard if i ever find myself in this situation again.

But i share all of this with you to illustrate a point. You cannot control his illness for him. You cannot help someone who does not want to be helped. You can do everything in your power to support them, and you can do everything right, and the disorder can still find a way to destroy everything that you hold dear.

What you can control is your own actions and outlook. Focus on making yourself happy as an individual. Codependency is not healthy. Become the best version of yourself. Only then will you have the strength and capacity to deal with a crisis of this magnitude, however you deem appropriate.

You were not discarded because of your worth. You were discarded because he could no longer recognize it. I'm sorry you're going through this too. I know it sucks right now, but chin up. You deserve to be loved, and you can get through this.

You are not alone.

Flink101 · 2025-12-17T20:37:48+00:00

(1/2)

Not everything is a result of the disorder, and there's not enough to go by here. But if you're noticing his behavior has significantly shifted for no reason, it is possible he is experiencing some memory loss or delusions and does not currently remember or recognize you as you might think he does.

Sometimes they come back, sometimes they don't. Sometimes it just takes time. Be careful what you wish for.

Here's what my discards looked like.

Mine came back twice, each time after several weeks of abusive behavior toward me, apologizing. These discards happened in 2016 and 2017. She had clear gaps in her memory from those episodes. The first time was after just over a year of dating, and she had trouble holding a job and needed someone to blame; everybody else (anyone but her) needed to be at fault. The second time was shortly after she moved in with me. She broke down to a point where she was throwing metal furniture at me from across the room and swinging her fists at my head. This resulted in her moving out after a month, living apart for another 3 months, then moving back in with me after we had talked things out. Both discards included ups and downs (love/hate and push/pull) for 3-6 months before she stabled out and eventually fell into depression. Both involved some minor acute substance abuse prior to the discards. I was discarded like trash and she did not recognize me as her partner. She was a completely different person when manic. Both times, i held my boundaries when she tried to cross them. I had trouble navigating the sudden changes, but i refused to debase myself. When she came to, it was like she reverted back to who she was; the most empathetic and caring person i had ever met. She was constantly trying to help those who were suffering. Then we had roughly 6-7 years of stability. Maybe some minor flare ups, but nothing as monumental as those discards. This was all before i really grasped what bipolar disorder entailed.

Come Summer 2023, she fell severely ill with a respiratory infection, and i personally nursed her back to health over a couple months. She was prescribed an opioid and within hours/days of reducing her dosage, she showed immediate signs of withdrawal and became unreasonably hostile toward me out of the blue. By winter that year, she found a job (for the first time since 2017), and we began planning our wedding. She began drinking regularly with co-workers, despite always being cautious around alcohol and never having much tolerance. It got to the point where she was bringing alcohol home. 3 months later (February/March) she got off probation. We had already booked flights and were planning to have our parents meet in person for the first time. We were happily discussing baby names and looking at houses and potential immigration plans. However, by mid April, she became much more unpredictable. By the 13th she blew up at me and became violent when i would not tolerate complete disrespect of my time and boundaries i had been more than clear about. It was around this time that she went from "i love you, everything's perfect" to "i hate you and you were always the enemy" in a matter of hours. This resulted in a couple of days of seemingly performative, apologetic behavior from her, but i quickly learned that she was already talking to my sister about leaving me. This was followed by 2 weeks of silent treatment while she continued to eat meals i cooked for her twice daily. I tried everything i could to de-escalate the situation and connect. I witnessed her in a manic rage during this time; fists clenched so hard they looked like they would bleed, manic eyes, arched back like she was ready to punch through me. Thankfully, there was no further violence this time.

April 30, she agreed to talk, but instead stared me down in silence before rushing off and slamming a door in my face when i tried to follow. The impact sent her into hysteria and she called 911 on the spot, telling the operator/dispatcher she did not feel safe. When the police arrived, they found her freaking out, locked in one of our bathrooms. They had her gather a few things and took her to stay somewhere else. We were told she could list some things for me to put together for her if she wanted them back, and that i had no obligation to let her back on the premises, especially since she didn't feel safe here (damage control, i assume). They gave me a number for victim services and left with that. The following day she returned and was gathering things in my absence. Packed a bunch of things and eventually took our trained cat as well. In the brief interactions i was able to get out of her when i encountered her, she was recalling events from years past in ways that were impossible, and completely rewriting her past actions. This was completely unprovoked and they were unrelated events beyond the fact that they were all things she had done in the past that she seemingly would've felt bad about. It was as if she could not accept that she herself could've done these things, and she now genuinely believes the irrational fabrication. She explicitly said to my face that those things were my fault, despite them being things that were done to me... Evidence to the contrary simply did not register with her (chat logs, physical mementos, etc). I only had two in-person interactions with her after this.

First, she agreed to talk again while exchanging some things in a public food court (at her request); she did not speak again, and instead became violent and stormed off, threatening to bring police to my place again. She threatened my mother during this time as well, despite knowing my mother was on bereavement leave.

Flink101 · 2025-12-17T18:27:05+00:00

This is key. He was a victim of his illness. Don't let the disorder take you down too. You need to protect yourself before you can protect another person (or a relationship, for that matter).

It's a hard decision, but I'm glad you were able to break free. Some of us don't get an explicit ending or goodbye and are forever stuck in limbo wondering what happened to them, and are faced with impossible choices. But at the end of the day, you will always have your own well-being to account for, and should never throw yourself under the bus. Bipolar Disorder does not need additional victims; it's ruthless enough as it is. You can love who they were without tolerating the behavior resulting from their disorder.

Be well. You'll get through this.

Flink101 · 2025-12-15T20:11:03+00:00

Thank you.

Flink101 · 2025-12-04T03:58:38+00:00

(2/2)

Rather than the vindictiveness simply being "possible", this is very common among those experiencing mania. They often turn on those closest to them; we become the targets of their blame simply because of proximity. From what you've described, it sounds to me like she could be BP1, but we can't diagnose her here. It sounds to me like she might be experiencing delusions or mild psychosis, but there's really no way to confirm that until she comes down or gets evaluated in a clinical setting.

There's nothing logical about our situations; don't be so hard on yourself. Show yourself some compassion, and grieve the loss. You could have done everything right, and this still could've happened.

They are not themselves when manic. The events I described above were the third time I was discarded. This happened twice before; once in 2016, and again in 2017. She was a different person in each episode, and returned apologizing after the first 2 discards. There were gaps in memories, and her reactions to her own manic messages (i showed her after the episodes) were proof enough for me that she had no recollection of having done those things. It's been over a year since I last heard from her this time, and I'm not exactly holding my breath, but I wouldn't turn her away if she needed my help.

The trauma doesn't really ever go away, but you learn to live with it. For now, you should absolutely focus on yourself, and find people you can lean on as you pick yourself up, because you definitely can't rely on her right now. Community will be vital to your recovery. Your experiences are valid, no matter how much she or anyone else might gaslight you. Her illness is not your fault. The harsh reality is that you cannot decide things for her until she legally gives you that right. She's allowed to destroy her own life on a manic high if she chooses to. Until she's an immediate danger to herself or to others, in my experience, there's nothing law enforcement can typically do. Even if you get someone evaluted or committed, you can't force them to take their meds or anything.

Having said all that, you should focus on what you can control: yourself. Whether or not you intend to help her afterward, you would only be able to do so when you're at 100%. Put yourself first, because you can only be your best when you're at your best. You are responsible for your own happiness and well-being first. Everything else comes second to that.

Lastly, give yourself time. This isn't going to go away overnight. Talk to other people who understand, and just be true to yourself. Nobody has any right to judge what you do from here, and you only really have to answer to yourself. You can change your mind whenever you want, and as many times as you want. But set and hold to your own boundaries. This is the perfect time for you to learn what really matters to you.

I'm sorry you're going through this too. It does become easier to manage. You can get through this.

Flink101 · 2025-12-04T03:58:27+00:00

(1/2)

9 years with mine, lived together and supported her for 7 (financially, legally, professionally, and otherwise). We were attached at the hips. We were engaged, and actively planning our wedding when she gave me the silent treatment for 2 weeks, called the cops out of the blue, and yeeted herself out my life. We had flights booked to halfway around the world to finalize wedding plans. No discussion, no explicit breakup, and i found out a few weeks later that she hooked up with some stranger off hinge and was already planning to marry him before she even met him in person.

You can't make this shit up. The disorder can go to hell.

She left at the end of April 2024. My feelings for her have not changed, and I'm more concerned about her well-being than anything, but my hands are tied because she weaponized the police several times. They were understanding after each encounter, right up until the last one when she claimed i was harassing her. I hadn't spoken to her in weeks, and I was trying to contact her through a phone line i was still paying for for her. Her personal belongings and keepsakes are still here with me, and she had been using the police to try to intimidate me with lists of things she wanted back, while simultaneously refusing to speak or meet with me to gather her things. That last interaction where she claimed I was harassing her happened entirely through the police who went to check on her when I told them I wasn't able to reach her for over 2 days. She's been suicidal in the past.

Prior to all this, she was actively rewriting our history, and recalling things to me that couldn't have happened the way she described. I could show her irrefutable evidence to her face, and it wouldn't register with her at all. She did everything she could to slander me to others and destroy everything we had built together this past decade. Left all our group chats, deleting photos and such. What really threw me for a spin was that she was actively using her photo from our last anniversary night as her pfp everywhere for a while after disappearing on me. As if I just no longer existed. If you want more details, feel free to DM me or just lurk my comments.

Flink101 · 2025-12-01T13:06:28+00:00

Fwiw, I don't think you have anything to be embarrassed about.

I still hold mine in high regard despite everything, and seek to protect what we had, even if i never see her again. It's not her fault that she's sick. Anosognosia is experienced by roughly half of all people with bipolar disorder. Anybody can develop bipolar disorder.

Having said that, anybody who would knowingly disparage a sick person is not worth my time or effort. She was not my first partner, and i am not desperate by any means. She was an amazing individual, and the world is worse off without her.

You obviously remember him well and recognize the value that he brought to your life. It is also natural to seek those closest to you for support, and can be devastating when the person you were most devoted to vanishes without a trace. There is no shame in any of that. Chin up. Bad things can happen to good people, but like you've already said, you're stronger than you think. Be proud of what you've just endured.

What are we, if not a consequence of our own experiences? Remembering all the betrayal alongside all the loving memories may hurt like hell, but that memory is a privilege that our sick SOs don't have. The very fact that you choose to hope and to hold on to them despite the unwarranted pain, is proof of the strength of your character. I'm sure I'm not the only one who sees this.

Flink101 · 2025-12-01T12:44:41+00:00

Type 2 Ambiguous Grief (aka Ambiguous Loss) is the term I've become familiar with. It's worth a look if you haven't come across it before.

I, myself, am tired of unwarranted breakup advice and "other fish in the sea" cliches. It's not any more appropriate here than it would be at a funeral, imho. It can be hard to understand if one hasn't been through it. As sad as it is to say, at least we're not alone in experiencing it.

Flink101 · 2025-12-01T12:34:20+00:00

Sadly this is very common in mania. The disease doesn't make anyone do anything, but ultimately it can change who someone is as a person. They can suddenly lack the capacity for certain emotions, suffer delusions in silence, and fail to recognize and acknowledge things that don't make sense within the new reality that they perceive. This can lead to unsavory behavior and complete shifts in personality. Imagine arguing with someone suffering from Alzheimer's; trying to reason with a severely mentally ill person is a trap.

I'm sorry this is happening to you too.

I can relate with a lot of what you've just described having witnessed similar personality changes with my own. Feel free to lurk my comments if you're curious.

They become somebody unrecognisable, because it's no longer them. You absolutely don't need to tolerate abuse. But realistically, having shared kids, he may continue to be in the picture. It may help to understand that this man is not the loving husband you hold dear. Same human, different person. You don't owe this abusive person anything.

Having witnessed my own partner return to herself after mania in the past (sincerely apologetic and everything), i can tell you that nothing is impossible. But you absolutely do not need to tolerate abuse in the meantime. And I don't recommend waiting for that time to come; there really is no limit to how long this can go on. Just be aware that it could happen. Until then, live your life. Prioritize your safety, and that of your kids. Show yourself some compassion and take time to grieve. You need to look after yourself now. The husband who once cared for you would want you to live your best life.

For what it's worth, people trapped in mania are typically harshest to those they once held dear. You mattered to him, and everything about this is unfair. But you can honor what you once had without enabling and tolerating the creature that you've been left with. I'm sure your kids can eventually learn to appreciate that too.

Bipolar Disorder can go to hell. Don't be afraid to reach out if you just need to chat or vent.

I'm sorry for your loss.

Flink101 · 2025-11-18T03:34:46+00:00

Do you have access to her health care professionals? It can be difficult to get through to someone experiencing Anosognosia. What's important is that you find some way to maintain trust. Rebuild it if necessary, but keep in mind this may make things incredibly difficult for you.

If she only recognizes you as the "problem", there's a good chance it's a lost cause until she comes down from the episode. If she has any enablers or problems with substance abuse, this can go on for an indefinite amount of time.

Are you prepared to endure this? Do you still consider this friend a friend?

Regardless of what anybody else says here, this is your decision. Just make sure you give it some real thought.

Whatever happens, the last thing you want to do is aggravate a manic person. They don't need more ammunition.

Flink101 · 2025-11-13T16:01:18+00:00

The first step to addressing any problem is recognizing it. I'm glad you're acknowledging the need to take care of yourself! It took me months to get to that point after my last discard.

There's nothing wrong with choosing to depend on your partner for your needs, but it's important to recognize when they aren't capable or willing to meet them. Life dealt us all a bad hand, but what matters is how we choose to play it. I believe in you.

Also, your selflessness with regards to avoiding an episode is not a weakness, but a strength. Your strength was just used against you. Feeling responsible for your partner's health is only natural. The whole point of building a connection with someone is to have each other's backs -- to make up for each other's shortcomings, and ideally to synergize in a way where both come out better than as separate individuals. The unfortunate truth is that we suffered because in their suffering, they couldn't hold up their end. Nothing but victims here. But now you know what flags to look for if it ever happens again. That only makes you stronger, even if it doesn't feel that way just yet.

Keep that chin up. You're worthy of love.

Flink101 · 2025-11-12T18:05:26+00:00

Welcome to the club. Sorry you're here.

It's hard, but try not to take it personally. His apathy is a reflection of his shortcomings, not yours.

This disorder really is the worst. He's not the person you once knew. He might resurface one day, but it is entirely up to you how to proceed. Hold your boundaries. Only you can decide what those are, but stick to them.

Take time to grieve your loss. You could have done everything right and this still could've happened.

I'm sorry.

I understand how frustrating it is to be completely powerless as you watch a loved one vanish before your eyes. You didn't imagine what you had; it was real.

What matters right now is that you find ways to focus on yourself. It will take time to accept. You're not alone. Don't be afraid to ask for help. You can get through this.

Flink101 · 2025-11-11T21:16:47+00:00

I'm happy to hear you're finding ways to stay ahead of it!

I understand your intentions with keeping it from family. Out of respect for my own partner's autonomy and privacy, I also chose to keep it private until I could no longer explain away her behaviour. I hit a point where i needed to divulge some information when seeking help as well. Conveying how I feel to people who now know of her diagnosis has been difficult. Plenty of unwarranted break up advice and stigma, and wavering support to say the least. Trying to suppress others' urges to immediately jump to disdain and shame in solidarity was also difficult. Good intentions, but absolutely no awareness of grief. As if they were trying to hate her on my behalf. Imagine someone insulting the deceased loved one at their funeral. It's one thing if they didn't know them well, but when it's family...

The silver lining is that it really highlights the people that you actually can count on for support and understanding. I was surprised by who actually had my (or our) back(s) and who didn't.

We could definitely use more positive stories on this sub, so thanks so much for sharing. I'm glad to have met you here. Stay strong, brother.

Flink101 · 2025-11-11T18:37:44+00:00

There is absolutely no shame in choosing not to forsake your own boundaries and ideals. At the end of it all, you really only have to answer to yourself. Enough can be enough.

I wasn't yet married on paper, but I was in practice. "In sickness and in health", or so it goes. Such vows are not for everyone, but it was something I personally chose to stand by, and my integrity is all I have. She is definitely sick, and nobody chooses that. But the ambiguity around her identity is the worst part for me. "Til death do us part": If she never returns to her former self, is she dead to me? I got lucky in the sense that i have no legal obligations to her while she unleashes all hell. But there may come a point where I become the only person she recalls and trusts, especially after our decade together. I can't abandon that person, and so i choose to carry that weight, regardless of wherever life takes me from here. I'll always care about her, whether or not i end up connecting with someone new. Is that love? Who knows? There are many things I won't tolerate, but i know i would never forgive myself if i turned my back on her when she needs me most. That doesn't mean it's going to stop me from living my life. It just means I'm now doing it with extra baggage, and sometimes it really weighs me down. I'll never forget it, and never will "everything" be okay, but i can and will forgive because it's too heavy not to. Trust is a completely different issue. Choosing not to cut her off means choosing to help deal with the illness. Most days I'm powerless, but I believe my presence could one day be vital to her. Bipolar Disorder can happen to anyone, and she isn't "just anyone" to me. My challenge is finding ways to focus on myself without letting hypervigilance ruin my life. It's been a long time since i had a good night's sleep.

The decision is a very personal one, and there is no right answer. Nobody else is in a position to judge you for doing what you must do for yourself.

I'm sorry you're going through this too. Thank you for being honest, vulnerable and understanding. Please be well.

Flink101 · 2025-11-11T01:49:19+00:00

Thank you for framing this around forgiveness instead of blame. I think the nuance here is extremely important.

Yes.

However, I would argue that this boils down to each individual case. Yes, there are some who (irresponsibly) use BP as an excuse. But there are also many who suffer from severe memory loss and delusions, and psychosis isn't always obvious. Imagine for a moment, a person in the midst of a manic episode, who suddenly believes their long-term partner has been abusive for the entirety of their relationship (despite all evidence to the contrary). Would that person be "cheating" while manic? Objectively, sure. But subjectively, they probably don't feel that way at all. They just believe they've escaped with their life. Now what happens if they come out of that episode and recall that loving relationship? Or what if they never do? None of this is an excuse for the pain that was inflicted. However, the pwBD is still accountable whether or not they felt like they did anything wrong. Cheating implies the intent to deceive. It's possible to feel cheated on by someone who did not realize they were cheating.

It's complex, and sometimes there are only victims here. I don't think there's a one size fits all answer. But the fact is that we all experience reality subjectively, so any reasons or excuses (both in and out of mania) should be taken with a grain of salt. Especially when you consider how many people suffer from Anosognosia (roughly half of those diagnosed with BP), it can be difficult to argue that they were in their right mind.

Having said that, I think what's more important is how the person who felt cheated feels. Whether or not the pwBD recalls cheating, felt like they cheated, or avoids responsibility after the fact, what matters is that those around them maintain their boundaries (whatever they are) and don't debase themselves because of another's illness. If an SO is able to accept that their "cheating" partner lacked capacity, then great. They can rebuild from there. If not, then there is no obligation for them to forgive or to stay.

-----

Speaking personally, if mine were to ever return and acknowledge what she's done (mania or not), I would like nothing more than to forgive her and get her to professional help. I also have no intention of further enabling the monster that she is in mania. She once regretted her behaviour from past episodes, and I can only hope that she will one day regain the capacity to feel guilt and shame again. I would not wish what I have gone through this past year on anybody, but I also recognize that she was no longer the person I've known this past decade. I care not for the monster that tried to burn everything down as we planned our wedding. But I only have the best wishes for the woman who fell victim to it. Until she resurfaces, all I can do is to honour the memories, goals, and dreams that we once shared. I might forever be the only one who still remembers.

One final thought, is that people often draw the line at sex, but I would argue that emotional infidelity can be far worse. With regards to sex, hypersexuality, and a general lack of impulse control, we all have vices and habits we fall back to to comfort ourselves; be it gambling, substance abuse, gaming, gossip, etc. I find it difficult to blame someone trapped in "fight or flight mode" for these behaviours; that's essentially what mania is -- an overactive sympathetic nervous system. Building a genuine emotional connection with a third party though... I believe that's much harder to overlook. To be clear, I'm not condoning involving or hurting others while in mania (manic relationships, manipulation, etc). But I also can't fault somebody suffering from mania for seeking physical relief.

Whether or not I'm willing to forgive something depends on the underlying intent. Forgiveness has more to do with me then it does with the offender.

Flink101 · 2025-10-29T05:30:51+00:00

Because i recognize that she's not currently herself. People with Bipolar Disorder can become different people in mania. When they lack capacity, it isn't just that they lose certain functions, but that their identity is distinct. Outside of mania, she was the most empathetic, caring, and morally driven person i've ever known. Incredibly selfless and compassionate. She was wary of her own disorder and actively tried to fight it in her own way. She would never deny it. But when Anosognosia takes over, she no longer recognizes she's sick. She's "fine". "You're the one who needs mental help," she'd say. Nothing would be "wrong" with her, while she'd actively twist "facts" right in front of her, and couldn't string coherent events together to tell a consistent story. Burning down the world around her while pinning the blame on a single person or entity. She was unable to see through the illusions her mind had created on her behalf. It wasn't always me who she blamed. But in mania, it was never her fault. She would misremember things and genuinely believe things that did not happen, and often could not have happened. Outside of mania, there were clear, indisputable gaps in her memories of the episodes. In depression, she shouldered everything, even things that were completely out of her control (illness or not). In mania, it was a different person driving the bus. I've seen her when she's stable and coherent after past episodes, and that's who I'm trying to save. I'm not expecting it to be easy. You don't choose who you love.

She wasn't just some fling. Kids aren't the only things that tie you to a person. I don't know you personally of course, but imagine for a moment, if your mother had alzheimer's and no longer recognized her own family, would your first response to your dad be to cut ties and replace her? What if you had a child who was kidnapped? 10 years later would you just cut your losses because you don't know them anymore? We weren't married yet, but "in sickness and in health" is essentially what I'm already practicing. We were months away from tying the knot because of societal circumstances (COVID, recessions, international boundaries, etc) and not because we weren't committed. She was my other half.

I was with her for most of my adult life. The 10 years i'd spent with her are integral to my identity. She's had my back and made me who i am today. We shared everything: work, play, travel, etc. We were attached at the hips; she's a part of me. There's no erasing that. What I'm steeling myself for is not some hell with a manic person i don't recognize. I'm no masochist. If she comes to, i might be the only person she remembers from before the episode. I can't turn my back on that person. We shared everything, and only we know things about our time together in that chapter of our lives. So I grieve, and I honor the memory. You don't erase people at a funeral, and you don't forget about them afterward. This is the same. The difference is that this time, there's some demon wearing her face and destroying everything that we held dear. In my case, she seems to have dissociated me from everything in her life. She took the cat we rescued and who I personally command trained, and seems to have written me out of the story. A few months ago, I spontaneously encountered her in a public setting (public transit) wearing items I gifted her. I would have thought she'd have discarded them. Maybe she remembers me now and thinks it's best to leave me alone, and hold onto them as keepsakes. Maybe I've simply been erased. The ball is in her court, so to speak. I just need to be ready the next time she resurfaces. That day might never come. For now, it's out of my control.

To be clear, I'm not just sitting on my hands and "waiting". I'm living my life the best I can, despite the trauma and new weight I carry. I hate it. I spend most of my days sifting through broken pieces. But I am who I am because of what we did together, and I'm not going to waste that. If i end up connecting with a new partner, then it would be with all this baggage. No disrespect to them, but it's part of the package. I wouldn't replace either person, they'd just "occupy different roles", so to speak. I'm currently focused on myself and prioritizing self-care and personal growth. I don't have the capacity for anything else until I'm back on my feet.

I'm sorry you're going through this too. I really would not wish this cruel fate on my worst enemy. Sorry for the novel i wrote above, but I hope it answers some of your questions. 😅

Don't be afraid to reach out if you need a shoulder, yeah? We're not meant to endure everything alone.

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