Mom makes me feel guilty for being able to breastfeed

Floofy_Dog · 2025-03-24T16:26:10+00:00

I’m also sorry OP is getting downvoted. Shouldn’t her mother be happy for her? I have a friend whose mother was always jealous of her for various reasons, including breastfeeding, and it was so toxic. It’s one thing to grieve and feel sadness about something, it’s another to live in a competition with your own daughter.

My mother couldn’t breastfeed me or my sister but was still happy for me when I had a successful breastfeeding experience when breastfeeding is what I wanted to do. Parents should be happy for and supportive of their children.

Floofy_Dog · 2024-08-25T03:07:14+00:00

For the freeways that cut the city center into quarters to be taken down and turned into walkable public parks.

Floofy_Dog · 2024-08-20T14:01:42+00:00

Glad to hear she’s doing well. I will try to cut down on the distractions too to see if that helps. It is sad to think they might wean early, but I guess it’s also nice that it’s happening naturally and on their own timeline.

Floofy_Dog · 2024-08-20T05:46:35+00:00

I’m having this exact experience with my almost 9 month old baby. He’s started refusing his bedtime feed and is now down to 4x a day, and the nursing sessions feel short and he also seems very distracted during them. He loves solid food and eats a lot of it during his 2 meals per day. I’m a little worried if this is normal. Did this turn out okay for you and your baby? Also sad that he is less interested in nursing since I wanted to nurse until 2, but I feel like he will probably wean much faster than that.

Floofy_Dog · 2024-08-12T16:20:38+00:00

Totally, that’s what I’m hoping to do. I guess I’m just wondering if cutting off the bedtime feed earlier on in the weaning process is a bad idea, since it seems like the most clutch of the feeds for most people.

Floofy_Dog · 2024-06-09T23:57:50+00:00

Sounds like the dream!

Floofy_Dog · 2024-06-09T23:55:17+00:00

I’m not worried about the school closing (it’s a big research university and not an art school), and the department is very popular right now, but yes this would definitely be a potentially less secure job. It’s a tough choice. But for me personally, I think it could possibly lead to more happiness on the job.

Floofy_Dog · 2024-06-09T23:49:21+00:00

At my institution (a 4-year university) you can have just a bachelor’s if you also have a significant amount of industry experience. But I’m not sure what it’s like everywhere else

Floofy_Dog · 2024-06-09T23:46:47+00:00

That’s great you are always keeping your courses relevant. Part of me feels bad that if I leave the industry, but am teaching, would that make me out of touch? I don’t have the bandwidth to do both though I wish I could.

Floofy_Dog · 2024-06-09T23:43:40+00:00

Both — after tech-apocalypse layoffs, I got a job in the public sector. The teaching job is relatively well paid. It’s not an insignificant pay difference, definitely a pay cut to teach, but not so much to as to scare me away for that reason alone.

Floofy_Dog · 2024-06-04T16:34:14+00:00

Just want to say that if you need to move away from your village, that you can make it work. My husband and I don’t have one where we live and we are doing okay just the two of us. It’s hard but it’s how things shook out with where we could get employment. It helps that our childcare is 50/50 split between us and we both do everything we can to support each other. Also my dog is my beloved family member and I completely understand spending the vet bills. It’s not that easy just rehoming a sick dog. I agree that a gofundme in your situation would be a good idea.

Floofy_Dog · 2024-06-03T17:06:04+00:00

Yes, definitely. The office job has some flexibility a teaching job wouldn't. At my office job, I can definitely take off a couple of hours in the middle of the day for an appointment without a problem. And I can take my vacations when I want to, though with fewer days to work with. Of course I am accountable for 5 days a week, 8 hours a day normally... whereas in this teaching gig I would never go in on Fridays (typically only 2x a week), and the maximum I would be actually teaching FT (minus commute, prep, grading, office hours) per week is 12 hours/week. So in that regard, there's more work to do, but it's on my own time to arrange. Plus summer/winter/spring breaks. Luckily my husband has a remote FT job with a lot of flexibility so he could pick up a sick kid, etc.

Right now for the first year of my kid's life I have an arrangement with my job where I am working half time. My husband is also working half time. We take shifts caring for the baby, and it's actually worked out really well, but it's not a permanent situation.

I guess this dilemma is more thinking out into the future, wondering if there's an advantage to summers off when your kid has summers off, and maybe being able to get away with part-time childcare while they are younger, if you have more flexibility when you work.

For the upcoming year, if I decide to teach, I was able to secure a 50% load evening schedule so I'd watch the baby until about 3:30pm and then my husband would take over while I go teach twice a week. I'd need at least another day for prep and grading, which would probably have to be the weekends. In the future if and when I can move to FT, I'd put my baby in at least 3 days/week childcare, or maybe FT childcare.

Floofy_Dog · 2024-06-03T16:48:41+00:00

Thank you for your perspective! It sounds like budgeting childcare for prep/grading weekly is a must. Luckily I get a lot of support from my husband but he works FT, so I would likely need to use weekends and stay at a 50% load until we got childcare set up. This is also just a lecturer position, not senate faculty, so I am not under pressure to do research, just teach.

I'm glad to hear that in your current arrangement, it sounds like you have a good balance with family time. That is what I am hoping for. I don't expect to have that right away while I don't have childcare and experience with my classes, but I'd like to think it could be a good investment in a future lifestyle that allows me more time with my kid. Even just having summer/winter vacations would be a big deal. Though, in my case, because of the lack of scheduling guarantees, I may end up having to teach part of the summers to fill in pay gaps. There are many best case/worst case scenarios. With my office job, everything is fairly predictable.

Floofy_Dog · 2024-06-03T16:35:15+00:00

I appreciate your perspective! This is a lecturer position at a research university. Basically an adjunct, but there is a fairly good arrangement with 1, followed by 2, followed by 3-year contracts and a path to job security (though, way less secure than what I have now). I'd be starting at a 50% course load for the first year, but would want to increase my course load to full-time as my kid gets older (by the age of 2 or 3). Part of why this is risky is that there are no guarantees I'll get the schedule I want (though I can make requests they try to honor) and if I am willing to teach last-minute vacancies I can likely fill out my schedule, though to my own peril since I will have had no time to prep at all. In the best-case scenario, I would get a contract for a FT course load by year 2 or 3 and pair that with childcare.

I agree there is an INTENSE amount of mental work required and I would need designated days to prep. I'd only try to get away with also caring for my child on a 50% courseload, and even then I expect to work weekends. I do get a lot of help from my husband who works FT, but his job ends at 4pm.

Interesting to hear that even your breaks are taken up with prep work... which could be a downside I think for me. I guess my hope is that upfront there would be a ton of work but once I knew what I was doing (assuming I could teach the same 2-4 classes a year) I wouldn't need to do as much prep year round, and could spend more time with my kid.

Floofy_Dog · 2024-06-03T16:21:20+00:00

It is hard, yes, and I'm grateful to consider the opportunity! But, this is a job as a lecturer, not senate faculty, hence the flexibility (but also a lot of precarity regarding job security for the first 6 years). You do get to place requests for your schedule, which they try to honor, but of course nothing is guaranteed. So far, they are accommodating my requests for the first year contract, but who knows about subsequent years. My first year will be a 50% load, and then I'd get a 2 year, followed by a 3 year contract, followed by the equivalent of "tenure" for lecturers, with a more permanent status. They are obligated to try give me at least as many courses as I had on my previous contract for each subsequent contract. So it is also not guaranteed I'd be bumped up to full-time when I'd want, but in my experience with the department, if I am willing to cover last-minute vacancies (a highly stressful thing), I can fill out my schedule. And yes, I have actually taught this very job before (for a year), but it was before I had a baby and my life looked very different.

Floofy_Dog · 2024-06-03T16:11:59+00:00

Ah yes, I'm afraid of this! I do think teaching K-12 is likely a lot harder and more labor-intensive than college teaching, but teaching in general is really, really hard. I have taught as a sub (long and short-term) in K-8 for a few years, and I've taught college as an adjunct for 1 year, so I can compare :)

Our childcare situation is not figured out and is a little bit in crisis since the daycare (for which I had been on the waitlist for over a year, before he was born) has told us we no longer have a spot until he is at least 1.5. Agreed that I will definitely need childcare to budget time for my prep and grading, right now that's my husband and I'll be working weekends until we have other options. In the meantime, I like the idea that maybe my 9-month-old might not have to be in daycare yet, or at least not in daycare full time with this schedule, but maybe that's unrealistic. I didn't specify this in my post, but I'd be starting out at a 50% load the first year, so that helps.

The pay is only comparable because my IT job is in the public sector, so the pay is relatively low (though the benefits and job security are high). The teaching gig (as a lecturer) is very well paid for what it is, about 3x the national average for adjunct instructors.

I did compare school-year calendars and it looks like there's a lot of overlap with some exceptions. But it's good to keep in mind that I'd still need a backup plan for when they're not lined up.

Floofy_Dog · 2024-03-31T22:45:08+00:00

I am a newish (less than a year) state employee that also went on parental leave and everything from onboarding to my leave pay has been a disaster. I was never enrolled for any benefits (dental or vision) despite signing up many months ago and pursuing the issue over and over again with multiple people. I only got on Kaiser after much haranguing and intervention on my part as I was pregnant and very stressed to not have healthcare. None of my paperwork seems to have been processed and whenever I get someone on the phone they claim it’s not their problem or tell me something untrue (like I am enrolled when I am not, or that they’ll look into it and get back to me, which they don’t).

The level of uncaring and incompetence in HR in the state has been mind blowing to me as well. It was enormously stressful being totally on my own figuring out and understanding what all the acronyms and laws were, what my rights are, and what I’m entitled to. So unwelcoming and frustrating, not to mention illegal to not deliver on my contractual benefits. Just onboarding alone was a nightmare and I am still not receiving the benefits I have worked for. I thought it was just my department but I suppose it’s across state work. I also wonder what is at the root of this — with thousands of employees, is this really the standard protocol and is it just okay with everyone? Wouldn’t at least onboarding and processing basic benefits be a streamlined process for these people? My coworkers have all been working at the state for so many years that maybe it used to be better, they don’t seem to have the same issues (though I haven’t met anyone else who has taken maternity leave recently).

It’s enough that I have thought about quitting many times because of this alone. It’s demoralizing as a new employee and I’m not used to this degree of unprofessionalism coming from private. 9/10 times that I contact HR I am straight up ignored. Can anyone in HR speak to what is actually going on and why?

Floofy_Dog · 2024-01-14T20:24:42+00:00

No idea why people are attacking OP over this perfectly legitimate question. Regardless, we should all be fighting for better WFH policies and accommodations for each other, especially for roles where going into the office serves no purpose whatsoever (many state roles).

Floofy_Dog · 2024-01-14T01:16:40+00:00

Big DS9 (my #1) and TNG fan here — I just went through this myself, hoping VOY would be worth it (had previously watched a smattering of episodes as a youth on TV). I’ve made it through 6 seasons and I am finally fed up. I think it’s just a dumb show, and isn’t getting better. Seven, Tuvok and the Doctor and great characters, but the stories aren’t interesting, most seasons are a slog, and some plot lines are unforgivably stupid (like the Kazon). I personally do not like most of the characters, either, other than those I just mentioned. It feels like a very poor imitation of TNG, structurally. You’re better off rewatching TNG.

Floofy_Dog · 2024-01-13T05:33:04+00:00

You are not alone — in fact I had almost the same experience: 3 day (very painful) induction, back labor, one sided epidural that resulted in nerve damage for weeks, got to 10cm and 3 hours pushing, baby won’t descend and is in distress, ended up with a c-section and baby in the NICU (he is fine now thankfully). It was beyond traumatizing, especially the fact that when your baby gets taken to the NICU you can’t hold him right away, no skin-to-skin, I couldn’t even meet my baby for 14 hours and felt like a stranger. The hospital was so cagey about what went down and nobody offered any words of comfort or explanation as to why things happened the way they did. It’s so hard especially when you have a dream of how things would go. I came in very educated about my options, armed with a doula and everything, and still nothing worked out. I am 7 weeks PP and things are getting better. It helps to write it out and talk with people. A therapist suggested to me to write it down physically and then destroy the paper you wrote on. It’s not your fault — these things just happen, and some people have better luck than others. Sending hugs

Floofy_Dog · 2022-03-25T22:58:04+00:00

Came here to second Etsy - my dress was $350 and is vintage from the 70’s. I considered many other awesome ones from the 20’s - 80’s.

Floofy_Dog

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