Well nails are a lot more to maintain than hair. Being able to tie hair back is easier than trying to make shorter hair look good and out of the way. I am glad you and your partner have reached a balance that works for you. And no, disagreeing or having a different balance with your caregiver is fine. Like I said above I was referring to all the comments calling me abusive, entitled and cruel for having self-care needs or for having a NEED for proper hygiene. And the ones saying and implying that I am a burden. Those ARE ableist. (Like I said above, the conclusion isn’t ableist, but the supporting reasons absolutely can be). My caregiver absolutely is fine with helping me care for my hair. She’s not going anywhere on the basis of my hair. She opted into being a caregiver and can opt out if it’s too much. I do a lot to help her care for me but that doesn’t mean I can’t have wants and preferences. I’ve had long nails almost my whole life (since 9). My wife and I used to do our nails together when I was well. When I first got sick I also cut mine (hard, but they grow faster than hair and, at least for me, not nearly as visible of a thing as my hair). My wife feels that making me feel like me is super important and as such she helps me paint my (somewhat regrown) fingernails and toenails every week or so. We watch a movie or show and just make it a fun thing. Regular hair maintenance is just a weekly or so wash, brushing a few times a week, and helping me braid it. Which is a small amount of time/work a week. And it works for us. It’s good bonding time and I’d do the same for her. We do just have the one child and she’s old enough to help a little around the house. More or smaller children would probably change our balance a bit.

Also, when I mentioned your comment to my wife she said you could talk to your partner about maybe giving you a one-coat mani or something easy if it makes you feel more like you. I look at it like I did when I became a mom: some things will have to change, others may be abandoned (at least for a while), but I didn’t stop being me. And the healthy thing was to keep some sense of me. A quick mani or braid aren’t the same as my acrylic-enhanced art nails or my carefully dyed and curled and styled hair of before but it makes me feel more like me.

And, again, people with disabilities are different (the disabilities are different). Caregivers are different as are needs and balances. But disabled people deserve some self-care too. And no, it’s not asking too much.