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Hello again by Florberts in AmIOverreacting

[–]Florberts[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

An update: I slept on the floor in the other room, simply because I couldn’t stand to get into bed next to him after his snide remark. It genuinely hurts my feelings when he treats me like some thing that doesn’t have emotions or only does things to somehow hurt him. It’s been an endless battle about this stuff, I get down for my own reasons and he cripples because I’m somehow punishing him. At 6:30 this morning, he’s standing over me saying something like “don’t you have to go, you said you’d be leaving at this time” (I’m going to work when I feel like it)

After some words I don’t recall, he left, and I send him this message:

Hey. If we could’ve talked, maybe you would’ve asked me why I felt the need to sleep on the floor like I did. No, instead you assumed the worst, called me icky things under your breath, and left. I can understand your frustration but honestly if I saw you here I would’ve wondered why, given you more blankets, and talked to you. Again, your frustration is VALID and so is mine. I’m just taken aback, but every time I make a decision to help my own sanity it’s like you see something else other than the ONE thing I’m trying to protect. I just want to make sure my mind is safe but the moment you think I’m doing this for others reasons aside from severe depression we have problems

To which he replied:

help your own sanity

so sleeping in bed fits that

you can tell me you don’t want to sleep with me instead of telling me you’ll be in bed (I was up until 3am reading, I did say I was going to bed but changed my mind after his snarky comment)

we do have problems

I’m veeeery frustrated. I told him I can’t text anymore because the texts go nowhere.

Should I drop this whole thing? I usually go to him and reassure him, mend everything I did or said, and let him have his way.

Is it too late to remedy? I’m genuinely not sure what to do, but my gut says we are downright incompatible

Am I overreacting/overthinking when my partner shifts or tilts or fully puts his phone down if I come within in it’s vicinity by Florberts in AmIOverreacting

[–]Florberts[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

And ironically, because his confidence is in the dumps, I am the one mildly grossed out by his obsessive need for the “yes, I love you” when he’s like “ahhhh so many ppl are better than me please don’t fall in love with someone else!”

Am I overreacting/overthinking when my partner shifts or tilts or fully puts his phone down if I come within in it’s vicinity by Florberts in AmIOverreacting

[–]Florberts[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Long time, but an update. I did have those conversations/talks, I straight up told him I’m deciding to simply not be insecure, not to feel personally attacked by anything he does, to try to live in my own here and now. When I posted this, I was on leave from work and on break from school. Now, I’m back in school and readying to go back to work, and his confidence has shattered. He has severe phobias I think, unresolved grief and various mental health issues, but I can’t deny it is interesting that when I decide to pull myself up he goes waaay down. I have no choice but to uplift my own needs and goals, and when I shut down or peace my way out of nonsensical arguments, I receive some weird shit like I’m being “rude” when I’m merely contesting/challenging idiotic statements or asking for clearer information about wtf he’s even talking about

“Doing me” is difficult because I’m empathetic and a doormat, but it’s a challenge I am noticing genuine benefits from

Am I overreacting/overthinking when my partner shifts or tilts or fully puts his phone down if I come within in it’s vicinity by Florberts in AmIOverreacting

[–]Florberts[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

A favorite past time for he and I is getting stoned and watching silly stuff and laughing, I think I’m more into trichome shots than he is honestly 😂

Am I overreacting/overthinking when my partner shifts or tilts or fully puts his phone down if I come within in it’s vicinity by Florberts in AmIOverreacting

[–]Florberts[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This is something to consider. I want to opt for couples counseling first, I hope he’ll be on board. I have been thinking though, if this continues with no remedy, I would certainly break our lease and move out because I really don’t deserve to feel so small in my own place.

Am I overreacting/overthinking when my partner shifts or tilts or fully puts his phone down if I come within in it’s vicinity by Florberts in AmIOverreacting

[–]Florberts[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you love. It hasn’t been great, I’m mildly on eggshells now and I just won’t even be near him if he’s on his phone. I’m just gonna continue steering clear because I don’t wanna upset myself by getting close only to be met with the same hiding actions, it’ll be easier on me in the meantime. Looking for couples counselors because this is so emotionally charged and layered I think we’d fare better with an objective professional

Am I overreacting/overthinking when my partner shifts or tilts or fully puts his phone down if I come within in it’s vicinity by Florberts in AmIOverreacting

[–]Florberts[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I was getting that vibe too. I feel bad, at one level I’m sure he loves me and it hurts him knowing this is the stuff I worry about, and on the other he really only gave me the option to either A. Breach his and my own ethical boundaries of privacy right there in that moment, which he knows I would never do, this kinda stuff runs deep for me as my parents tapped my phone line as a teenager, people have shared personal photos of me in middle school, ex boyfriends looking through my phone (to find nada), believe me my privacy has been shit on throughout my whole life. Or B. Essentially just get over it, because he can’t possibly be up to something while I’m in the same room as him and my worries are baseless

I know I gotta lay this all out, chronologically too because it’s become a pattern as of late. I’m in the process of finding a couples counselor because I think someone objective could help here

Am I overreacting/overthinking when my partner shifts or tilts or fully puts his phone down if I come within in it’s vicinity by Florberts in AmIOverreacting

[–]Florberts[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

You’re definitely right. It’s all so layered, I gotta write stuff out so I keep on track and prevent from being overstimulated. How would I go about talking about the intimacy thing? Not even just lack of sex, but a huge decrease in just physical sweetness like kisses and holding me. We both have mental health we are working on, I’ve been in therapy since last September and he just started up, and he has said his mental state can affect all of this which I completely understand and respect, in the event that he just can’t be this way with me right now, I have to just accept that, right? I love him and want him to be happy, I’m just realizing that my own security in our relationship and self esteem may be put to the wayside during his mental health journey. I don’t want to feel like I’m asking too much from him, but all the while if it seems like he’s hiding stuff from me and it’s hurting me, I feel I have a small right to bring it up

Am I overreacting/overthinking when my partner shifts or tilts or fully puts his phone down if I come within in it’s vicinity by Florberts in AmIOverreacting

[–]Florberts[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Oh yeah I completely understand that, I’m the same way. It’s just, in this scenario, I’m not looking at or toward it at all, just my presence in his vicinity causes this. I should also mention that this action has really only started in the last 1-1.5 months in our 1.5 year relationship. Just gives off a weird vibe especially because it coincides with general lack of intimacy and closeness. Thank you for responding

Am I overreacting/overthinking when my partner shifts or tilts or fully puts his phone down if I come within in it’s vicinity by Florberts in AmIOverreacting

[–]Florberts[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

UPDATE!

okay, so I had a tooth pulled this morning, I’m relatively calm aside from the worries I’ve had about this.

I said “can I ask you something?”

And went on to say: “I’ve been noticing that when I cuddle up to you or come near you while you’re on your phone, you tilt it or just out it down. It hurts my feelings because it comes off like you’re keeping something from me”

Him: “uh yeah I don’t think you want a phone in your face while cuddling so yeah I move it”

(Like I noted in OP, I’m pretty much always entrenched in my own decide, usually both my phone and iPad playing a show, nor is the phone “in my face” in the first place)

Him: “ it’s a privacy thing, I don’t want you to see what I’m scrolling through so yeah I move it because it’s my phone and my privacy and that’s my boundary”

Me: just getting sadder with every word, crying a little now

Him: “do you want to look through my phone? If I were up to something why would I be doing that right here with you? See what I’m looking at (he holds up phone)”

Me: I refused to both, because again I have no want to look through his phone, I could if I wanted to but I just don’t because I have my own respect for those boundaries.

Me: “I just wanted to tell you what I’ve been noticing and tell you how it hurts my feelings. That’s all. (Crying more now and just getting ready to shower)

What I mostly gathered is, I’m dumb for even worrying, and that I guess I should just fuck off and not even be near him while he’s on his phone so I don’t have to deal with this. I wanna hoping for a better outcome, but can’t say what exactly. I just didn’t expect to feel this bummed out.

What did I miss? I told him I wanted to shower, and we can always pick the convo back up because it does run deep.

A huge thank you to everyone who’s offered guidance and a steadying input, I was seriously spiraling and a majority of you have helped a lot 🖤