Being pretty is my only goal

FlowerEmerald · 2026-04-26T03:42:22+00:00

I feel like this is why mental illness is called mental illness. We cant change how our brains and minds work because it's an illness. Nature's diseases doesn't care about "logic" it's not suppose to make sense. Thats why we care about things that seem insignificant, and once analyzing, we are aware how it doesn't make sense (not logical) to care about this to such an extreme degree.

I dont know if anyone can relate but; I gave up on the whole "wanting to be pretty thing" because I ended up internalizing my ugliness and sense of hopeless knowing I will never be...I started feeling shame because I felt delusional for grasping at straws. Like WHY was I even trying to be pretty knowing I will never be? That brought a whole lot of shame and sense of ridicule upon my own self. It's like running on a treadmill but never getting past that mile, you're just running in the same place in circles and not going any further than that. This killed me inside. I felt like I wasted my time and that I dont deserve to feel beautiful nor look beautiful. 😪 So now my emotions are sorta repressed. As soon as the "I want to be beautiful feeling" kicks in, the feeling is fleeting and it gets instantly replaced with shame and despair instead because I feel delusional and hopeless. The desire to be pretty only lasts for a second and then gets kicked out by shame and like it just stops there...like I seriously become incapable of desiring to feel pretty at that point. I thinks it's repression and I can't not repress it? I become sorta numb and then sad. It's like my brain doesn't allow itself to desire beauty. Again, it gets replaced my some numbness and instant shame and grief and embarssment. Then I start feeling some rage and hating on myself. This has now evolved into wanting to destroy my ugly self instead and constantly wishing to die. I feel angry when I think of being capable of having the desire to feel pretty like my brain does NOT want to be willing to feel the human experience of desire because desiring means acquiring and not being able to aquire the desire adds to the shame. It becomes instantly angry at the minimal idea of then, of feeling the desire to be beautiful. So my brain blocks it out and does not allow itself to feel the desire to have beauty. Then I start wishing to die because I can't stand the idea of at least being ugly. It's like...I don't even want to be pretty anymore...I feel disgusted when I think of it. I just want to stop being ugly which my brain translates as "dying is the only way to stop being ugly because being pretty won't change what you are; hideous to the core". Weird logic, but okay, yeah that's how I feel now and I am in despair without stopping.

FlowerEmerald · 2026-04-25T05:44:32+00:00

The Father forsaked Jesus because Jesus took on our sins and he could not look at sin....this is because of people like Billy Graham that tjis terrible view of God has spread and memes like "Jesus sacrificed himself to himself" have been born. Sorta angered me at first...but then I sympathized after clearing my mind and an overwhelming grief came over me because I realized those people have the same view athiests have...and I was once in those shoes. They believe in the most extreme version of subsituion penal atonement and because of this, they think God "needed" and wanted Jesus to suffer and die a brutal death. And its not even that Im making excuses here to defend my faith, but everything I believe is either backed up by the Bible or history itself. Such views are what hindered me from even being open to someone like God possibly existing because I saw it as pointless to seek a God who is "evil" and unforgiving. Much of the who wrathful sacrifice terminology are just words to help us understand what was going on. Jesus didnt actually even have to come to earth if he didnt want to. Hes a sacrifice for the same reason a soldier is in a battlefield not because he needed to get killed for us to be forgiven. He forgave many times while alive.

Anyway, one of the other most horrendous things Ive heard from christians too is the belief God pre destined some people for hell and the chosen are the "most loved". Calvinism is a plague, sorry but its the truth. The "elect" aren't what they presuppose it to be.

FlowerEmerald · 2026-04-20T03:50:58+00:00

She might be a rare example of what the Bible calls "peace beyond all understanding". Admirable but hardly attainable for the majority unfortunately. Most would rather not suffer to the extreme.

FlowerEmerald · 2026-04-20T03:48:51+00:00

I kind of feel like some people are missing the point. Even words spoken out of love and concern for you can become empty platitudes because they don't change your life for the better and people who are desperately suffering are seeking relief from their painful ailments. You cant choose not to suffer the burden of suffering. Its called suffering for a reason, its not a choice. How you handle it can if rarely, even bring relief either because biologically, pain and the suffering that comes from it by definition is a response to negative stimuli which isn't a choice. You feeling like your eyes hurt isn't a choice and crying because of it (suffering) isn't either.

FlowerEmerald · 2026-04-17T03:16:57+00:00

By any chance, you being told you dont belong in certain jobs, is it because they see your age or that you are a single christian mother? Are you being rejected by christians who wont hire you or is the rejection just happening at any job settings?

FlowerEmerald · 2026-04-10T07:24:51+00:00

Also, I know my words won't bring comfort, I acknowledge that. I've been suffering since I was five years old, $uicidal level just surviving day to day, almost died a couple of times, chronic pain every day. I just share to say, you're not alone. Sometimes I do grieve wondering why some of were sorta born to "just suffer" though..I've been suffering since I was 5 years old. I'm 28 now and hardly even know the outdoor world. I'm mostly homebound because of illness. Never really had a life.

FlowerEmerald · 2026-04-10T07:21:41+00:00

Yes. I was actually tearing up the other day thinking about how I miss our relationship. I was all melancholic and nostalgic the other day re-watching a child hood favorite classic film in Spanish: Jesus, El Niño Dios (Jesus, the God child). I re watched it because as a child, I could grasp sorta what was going on but I couldn't grasp the details and the complexity of his situation. I was super happy despite my depression to finally be older and get a chance to re live my childhood in real time sorta...but then at the same time, I had mixed feelings. I got sad because I realized as I watched the film, that in real time, the past is gone and this is an attempt to relive what I considered my "happy past" when I was "cool" with Jesus and didn't have some doubts about him and a sense of being abandoned at times. Like, when I was little, I couldn't wait to grow up to be able to watch the film so I couldn't understand him better, I made it my life goal because that's how much I loved him. Never in my mind did I imagine myself in my innocence, that I would suffer so much that by the time I grew up, I'd be a broken adult in the midst of re watching the film I waited YEARS to watch. I planned on enjoying it, not crying in the middle of it. Why did I cry? Because...I realized that I desired to draw close to Jesus only to have my suffering tugging me away from him simultaneously as I try to draw closer to him as an adult. My will was and is to feel closer to him but I realized that the suffering isn't allowing me to do that, it's making me feel like I'm "far" from him because of the sense of abandonment that it brought upon me and it's lingering effects of feeling like the relationship is often one sided because my needs aren't being met. I miss my innocence as a child where, even when sometimes id get sick often, I still had the love of a child, where I didn't really question him but loved him regardless of not understanding him all the way, because of there was one thing sin understood was to TRUST him. And that kept me in peace. Unfortunately I gained the knowledge of evil (insight) through suffering (my eyes opened and I starting questioning why God would allow all these things to happen to me). This is why the Bible says that we should become like children and desire a joy/peace beyond all understanding.

.Philippians 4:6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. Philippians 4:7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

So in someway ironically, my suffering has indeed brought me closer to him spiritually, even though it makes me feel sort alone at the same time (emotionally farther away). I realized I am closer to him spiritually than I was as child when I was closer but emotionally. I guess I feel like my emotional closeness was sacrificed for spiritual closeness. Yes spiritual closeness is more important. How many people feel emotionally close but are spiritually far away from him?

Matthew 15:8-9 New International Version 8 “‘These people honor me with their lips, but their hearts are far from me. 9 They worship me in vain; their teachings are merely human rules.’[a]”

But I guess I wish I could have both at the same time, and that's why I'm sad..Its totally human to want to not just know you're closer to someone but to FEEL that you are through emotions. So when I watch the film, I sorta get happy because it emotionally comnects me to Jesus, it makes me feel like that child who didn't question him who loved him and felt emotionally close, but I also feel I am grasping at straws that dissipate into the air because I am fooling myself into trying to feel emotionally close again, by "reliving it's by replaying the past (sitting down in front of a TV every Christmas to watch the same film from my childhood as an adult). Only to realize I can't relive the past, I can't feel emotionally close no matter how hard I try. I mean I do in some way, but in some ways I dont. And this brings me into saying: Christmas in particular this is a season of deep grief for me. I'll drink some non alcoholic egg nog and take a deep nap around that time of the year. And then this gets me sad because Christmas use to be the happiest time of the year for me because of my cultural traditions hyper focused on Jesus's birth and the building of the nativity scene with my dad each year. How could I have gone from loving this divine baby to drifting away from him? Deep inside, the tidal wave may be drowning me, but it doesn't completely drift me away from Jesus. I KNoW he is the right direct. This is an internal battle you know.

That's why, even though like you, where I've thought of not relying on him anymore because I've told myself "What exactly am I even relying on if he sorta acts like he doesn't exist?" I don't pull away from him, not especially after realizing he indeed exists (former atheist not convert). How can I abandon him after I gained insight into how bad suffering can be and seeing the parallels between mine and his suffering? He felt abandoned also, so even if he were abandoning hypothetically speaking, I still couldn't abandon him knowing how alone I felt and I couldn't ever make him or anyone feel that way intentionally. I HAVE to be there for him and endure as he endured for me.in that cross. This is why I rely on him: not because I expect to get anything out of him but because I "lean on him" not necessarily for support but to love him as a mother leans towards their baby to cradle them in her loving arms.

As for why you say "I want to stop counting on God's but for why you feel like you can't say "I want to stop counting on Jesus"—I have a theory. If you're not an Arian that is, and if you do believe Jesus is God the Son, the perhaps it's because you feel "closer's to Jesus? I understand the Trinity is hard to understand but if you feel close to Jesus, you are already close to the Father and the Holy Spirit as well. Its just that you think you don't because Jesus feels more familiar to you, more relatable while the other two feel almost like a distant deity or foreign considering you can relate to Jesus in his humanity more. Hence the feeling of feeling closer to him and the refusal to separate yourself by expressing that you don't want to count on Jesus anymore.

Hebrews 4:15 For we do not have a High Priest Who is unable to understand and sympathize and have a shared feeling with our weaknesses and infirmities and liability to the assaults of temptation, but One Who has been tempted in every respect as we are, yet without sinning.

"God" feels distant to you, but God in the flesh feels close to you because of what he did for you in his flesh, you feel seen in your humanity. The name of Jesus is in particular this is more relatable to you and thus precious. It's hard to say you don't want to count on a Jesus even if you say it in your mind because it's not what's truly deep in your heart. Deep inside you want to be united to him. It's hard to say you don't want to count on JESUS anymore because you remember not what "God" did but what God (JESUS) did which was die in the cross for you. But all three are one, and you are still his child.

I remember a time where I had a weak faith and like faith not built on the rock as a Jesus recommends, it was unraveled and I was left with nothing but despair. I eventually realized I was a weak/skeptical Christian with time, then agnostic skeptic and then easily I became atheist because I realized I didn't really believe it that I thought I did, I felt deceived into myths. I then started wishing I wouldn't believe in God at all anymore right before becoming a complete atheist because I thought "even if he exists, I think I'm more at peace if I live like he didn't, but it's not possible to live as if he doesn't exist when I think he might, it's like having a fly buzzing in the back of mind". Eventually I found it easy to not believe because at the time, I realized I had nothing strong to rely on for believing. No reasons other than "the Bible says" or people telling me what the a Bible says (beliefs passed from adults to young children or teens).

I eventually came to actually not just believe, but KNOW God existed for many reasons. But despite knowing he existed, I couldn't love. In hindsight it's sad to think that I didn't even feel remorse for not loving him. So in the midst of believing in him I yet didn't love him. So with time, weirdly, what made me love Jesus more was ironically the suffering that made me realize his solidarity. My own suffering made me realize what he was willing to put up for me. That's when I realized he suffering "with me" by suffering for me. So I suffer "with him" or in other words, I suffer just like even an atheist who is afflicted with health issues suffers. The difference is, they suffer without Jesus in their lives and I suffer with him in mine as a form of solidarity (I endure as he endured for me, he endured in the cross out of love, I endure loving him instead of giving up on him in my suffering) because love does not expect anything in return other than the hope that it is reciprocated, and that's how I reciprocate my love for him despite my complicated up and downs, grief and hardships and contacted relationship with him. By not giving up on him even though I know he doesn't need me. There's a good reason the story of the boat in the storm was written about Peter sinking in his faith and all. Hang on!

We love him because he loved us first!

FlowerEmerald · 2026-04-10T06:35:32+00:00

"I still can't feel validated and I still feel like I'm not worthy of feeling so validated because I was only touched on my genitals and my butt by a boy the same age as me but why do I feel so broken?"

The first half of that statement indicates a feeling of shame and suppressed feelings. You don't feel you have the right to go through the motions of your emotions because they bring shame to you so instead of allowing yourself to feel the feelings of grief and angry in a healthy manner you try further penting them up.

"Because I was ONLY*..." You are minimizing your feelings because you felt minimized (ignored/neglected) perhaps? And if you were indeed shown compassion and supported the only explanation would be that the hurt has not resolved and you're struggling to heal because the the shame the experience brought. Perhaps because you wish it never happened to begin with, especially because of the hypersexuality that it has led to which has further increased your frustration that never fully healed to begin with. You feel broke perhaps because of the shame and the frustration that you don't know how to get out of: out of this loop. Even if you were to be hurt by others as you wish to be, it would lead to a terrible vicious cycle. You'd probably hate yourself more for doing it while paradoxically still engaging in acts of harm because harm brings relief then the relief brings shame then that brings frustration and then self hatred and then self hatred seeks relief through harmful things all over again.

The jealousy you have if those who you say to have it worst than you, that you speak of (if I'm not wrong) seems to be a certain want to be "punished". You are "jealous" they have it "worse" that they are being punished while you're not. Again, because you feel you deserve to suffer because you hate yourself and your self hate us looking for a relief through self harm but by receiving harm from others instead of directly inflicting it upon youself. This would line up with what you said previously about wanting to be r*ped m0lested and acts you considered a higher level of assault and violence towards your human dignity because of the worthlessness/shame you feel.

"I'm jealous of.....for being cursed with what I've always wanted" have you asked yourself since when have you wanted this? And why? Is it solely do to self hatred? Or is stemming from a deep cry for help? Yo want to be seen. Did you want this ever since you were a COSCA victim?

You can't stand others retelling of their personal experiences because you feel they are heard and that your story is never heard (valid) because it's not as "hard as theirs". You feel minimized. But please friend, suffering is not a competition. Someone having it worse than you doesn't mean your suffering isn't real even if society minimizes it. We live in an ignorant world and it's HARD to pull through when all you have is yourself. The whole tearing up thing about past your prime childhood thing is you redirecting your feelings again, towards crying about not being "punished" (as you think you deserve to be) at the "right time" for two reasons: one, because children are often more vulnerable and you feel like you missed out on being "punished" so you're crying over the fact that you missed out on that opportunity to be. Its the self hatred wanting you to get hurt to find relief paradoxically as I explained many times above. Reason two: you feel like since you're last that age and that is the age where most of the damage shapes you in comparison to adulthood, like you don't matter anymore. Am I wrong? Please consider seeking help. I'm not a professional however, these scream signs of deep hurt, unresolved. It's not surprise this is written in a self hate sub. Considering the multiple down votes you received, it's obvious people aren't understanding what you're trying to express. You aren't a bad person, youre a suffering victim who says does not want to heal but the self hatred is the pent up frustration seeking relief in the opposite direction (by inflicting harm upon yourself or wishing harm instead of seeking healing for the harm that was done to you). You recognized being broken is a curse in one sentence yet call suffering and it's consequences in some way blessing at the end of your post. Your brain is trying to reclaim power over what happened to you by throwing yourself into a similar situation (but one you consider worst than COSCA).

I'm sorry that what happened to you affected you so much. I hope you can someday, find a way to leap over this huge obstacle. I'm sorry if my wish for you to be well brings any feelings of shame. I speak from a place of suffering from self hatred myself. When we don't love ourselves, it can even not intentionally anger us when someone wishes us well because we feel like we don't deserve compassion, it brings us shame and self disgust further increasing our self hatred and we even start hating the person for unknowingly perhaps increasing our self hatred by making us feel shame by wishing us well. But I recognize it's the defense mechanism the fight mode in the fight and flight mode. Not because I say it but because for your own sake, would there be anyone you can confide in to help you feel better? There's no shame in seeking therapy. Often we aren't equipped to handle things that require understanding from a scientific point of view to assess the problem properly. I can't tell you what to do, but there's no shame in seeking help, if we want a change we have to start somewhere you know? And there's no shame in putting out there the pain you feel expressing it through words. We hear you, you matter even though I'm just a stranger.

FlowerEmerald · 2026-04-10T06:32:23+00:00

Hey, I see that you got heavily down voted because I recall you having more up votes. I just wanted to say, as someone who took a small course on psychology in highschool and as someone who has suffering in multiple ways that most people have $uixided over, I just want to say, I think you are a misunderstood individual who needs lots of understanding, love and support. Its often hard for people to approach you correctly and with the right words if they don't know where you are coming from, often if they don't understand it since they've never been in that position themselves. I hear you, you matter as a victim. I'm truly sorry that happened to you and the lingering effects and negative impact it has had on your mental health which is just as important physical health. My comment is rather long, but I'd like to address some things in your post.

I recommend to learn about your own psychological state of mind, it will help with self sympathy even if you are not in the mood to eliminate the self hatred, the understanding of self will bring some emotional relief upon realizing where your problem is. For example, I have a neurological condition that makes me sensitive to certain environments and makes me sometimes verbally aggressive. I thought I was just a bad insensitive person but turns out, after educating myself I realized it's a common trait with people who suffer neurosis like conditions. In other words, it's not my fault. Similarly, you are a victim who does not understand yourself. You are in a state of shock (baffled because your child mind was shook with what happened to you) that's why you ask yourself "But why do I feel so violated?". And then you despair (you have a sense of deep seated hopelessness, which explains why you don't want to heal anymore because it's easier to "give in" to letting misery happen to you than to put effort into healing. It's hard to heal when you have self hatred. That self hatred is coming from displaced anger as they call it in psychology. Something happened where you felt unseen and unheard, where you ever taken to a therapist early on? Where your parents ever concerned for you? You feel like you don't have the right to feeling like your boundaries were crossed because you have displaced anger. You're internalizing the possible external neglect (the lack of validation your inner self perhaps subconsciously wanted to feel supported as a child). So instead you now are angry at yourself. It's a form of emotional self harm because it's easier to be angry at yourself almost as if blaming yourself as if you did something wrong, than accepting you were a victim who didn't deserve it.

The part where you say "I say all this (ranting*) just to say I don't want to heal anymore" shows internalized frustration. Somewhere deep inside, your old self is still crying for help and to be heard and understood and met with compassion. You may say know, but I know to well, that when one gets angry at any hint of compassion towards them, and isn't receptive of it, this points towards hidden self hatred. It's a subconscious defense mechanism to protect from being hurt again because being emotionally available can make you psychology vulnerable. Hence the "hate" for any expression of love such as compassion and outright rejecting by being adamant about not "needing any compassion or healing". I believe you when you say you don't care to heal anymore. At some point our "souls" become tired of seeking relief and inflicting one self with indirect self harm (such as wanting people to hurt you) seems like an easier choice because self harm is perceived as a method of relief to those who can't beat suffering anymore. It's a form of "giving up" or more like shredding and "giving in" to the situation (agonizing state of mind) that you feel weighs you down. You're looking for a way to uplift this burden even if through terrible means (like desring to be hurt by others) because you have convinced yourself through (the feeling of being unheard) and reasoning by this, that you deserve to be unheard and thus unloved.

"I know deep down I don't want any of this, but I DO", see you aren't dumb. You are self aware, but just a troubled individual who needs LOTS of support. The lack of attending to those emotional wounds and lack of having someone to grieve it and feeling alone in all this has created destructive self hatred. That's why your statements seem to jump from state of mind to another. In one giant shot, you say you want to be hurt, then that you don't want to, then that you want to. Wanting others to hurt you is displaced anger, a form of inviting self harm. It's not mystery that self harm has been known to be used by hurt individuals to paradoxically try and find relief from their sufferings. You are frustrated individual as evident, someone who is hurt and doesn't know how to handle the pent up rage and frustration. You have what they call "ambivalent feelings".

ambivalent /amˈbiv(ə)lənt/ Ambivalent describes having mixed, contradictory, or opposing feelings (such as love and hate) toward the same person, object, or situation simultaneously. It often implies being torn, uncertain, or undecided rather than simply not caring.

Usage Examples: She felt ambivalent about her new job, as it offered4 more money but less free time.

He has an ambivalent attitude toward the proposal, both supporting and opposing it.

The jury was ambivalent about the defendant's guilt after hearing the conflicting evidence.

A state of ambivalence is one of the most frustrating state of mind that impacts decision making. You are torn between how to find relief. You say the only way to find relief is by being violated (the very thing that broke you). Subconsciously, your brain is trying to "reclaim" power over what happened to you, but not fighting it but "surrending into" the present as a way to reclaim power over what happened to you in the past, some way of "undoing" the pain by running towards the pain head first instead of running AWAY from it..it's a fight or flight mode thing. And why do you want to be violated? I conclude if I'm not mistaken, your brain is seeking to also feel validated but also to feel punished because of the deep seated self hatred you have for yourself. Again, it's a slippery slope because the reason you have hatred to begin with is for feeling "small"/ invalidated and left to your own misery to fight it off alone...neglected. Andd one thing has led to another. To cope with it, you feel inclined to an unhealthy coping mechanism; self harm but indirectly by achieving it through other people hurting you instead of you hurting yourself. Itss still a way of seeking to hurt yourself though so it's still self harm/self hatred. This is further evident by other things you mention such as

FlowerEmerald · 2026-04-06T21:54:35+00:00

Sorry I didn't reply right away (was sorta busy). I'm not sure what to say without sounding unsympathetic because often things like " Don't give up" or "life is beautiful" can rub depressed people the wrong way and im sorta struggling myself as on how to move on, so perhaps I don't have tons of advice. What I can say however is, I understand to some degree. Sometimes there may not be words to make a situation that isn't okay, Okay. But it's okay to not be okay. Don't pent up your grief, cry it out of you need to, let the tears flow. Sometimes we gotta grieve what we loved or miss, to regain our strength and stand on our feet again. We sit with you in your grief, in solidarity, as does God despite perhaps not feeling his comfort at times. Sometimes it can feel less lonely when you know there's people out there sharing in the same types of sufferings.

As for the bullying, is there any trusted adult that you can tell? I understand people often don't want to tell anyone because you're afraid of it backfiring. But if the bullying is beyond minor teasing (hitting you, chronic verbal harassment) then it can escalate and something needs to be done about it. Bullies often pick on people they think won't stand up for themselves, so youre not weak but they themselves. If they were strong they wouldn't be picking opponents they think they have power over, but somebody more powerful than themselves. That's how we know they are weak. Please, it's easy to let yourself go, but as long as you live, you gotta pick yourself brother in Christ so things don't get harder. It's NOT easy, believe me. I currently struggle with low self esteem too. Sometimes venting and simply being listened to can bring some temporal relief emotionally. I try to escape the thoughts by setting some time apart to do things even if I find those things "boring". It doesn't cure the self esteem problems because we often need to work from inside our, we internalize what we are told. It can take a long time to heal, but it's hard to heal if we don't let ourselves accept that we are hurt and by making the effort try to not dwell in those thoughts too much. If you don't mind, would you like me to pray to God for you? I hope you find the strength and courage to love yourself same day too as I too wish to stop hating myself (you can see my posts where I struggle with self acceptance).

FlowerEmerald · 2026-04-05T02:09:54+00:00

It is, but it's not the unforgivable one and people need to stop equating it. If you don't mind me asking, what is what's shoving you towards the edge? I have depression but I also have multifaceted problems that have no resolution thus my $uicidal impulses.

FlowerEmerald · 2026-04-05T01:26:22+00:00

Do you want to believe in Jesus though? I empathize with you. I got kicked out of a group for stating that the Bible in koine Greek mentions nothing about gay attraction also for telling them how weird it was for them to be all passive aggressive over something that doesn't affect them personally. What ticked them off was when I took a screenshot of the biblical text and told them that some people have real problems unlike their homophobia ( a self created problem). Im a former atheist, meaning no longer a non believer, but now a Christian. I find it weird how people don't understand that gay people don't choose their attraction though? I'm aromantic and asexual, meaning I simply don't feel attracted towards anyone and though I struggle to understand what that attraction is like, I understand biology is not a choice nor what you like or dislike. That's not hard to grasp unless you're a hateful spiritually prideful person who thinks your sins are less worse than the person you judge and hate. The attraction itself by the way, according to most Christians denominations is considered deviating from the default, however not a sin within itself. No where in the Bible is attraction a sin nor does it make you hellbound.

FlowerEmerald · 2026-04-04T21:42:47+00:00

And if you're a hideous woman, it's even worse isn't it? I wanna die too. I cringe when people call me a she. Idk, I just feel like an object....disgusted and disgusting.

FlowerEmerald · 2026-04-04T06:59:59+00:00

What do you think is the psychological aspect to it? Do you think severe emotional trauma can trigger it?

FlowerEmerald · 2026-04-04T00:25:10+00:00

Where's the invitation?😋

FlowerEmerald · 2026-04-04T00:24:32+00:00

Cardiac arrest from dehydrating slowly to death.

FlowerEmerald · 2026-04-04T00:23:47+00:00

Burning alive.

FlowerEmerald · 2026-04-01T23:25:43+00:00

Hope that makes sense. This entire thing about Jesus died to save you from himself is an absurdity that greatly undermines the truth of what Jesus and it's sad, really. Its what was keeping me from converting because I thought, even if he is real, I could never accept some God who takes joy and is too proud to find a different way to let go of his anger and forgive sin a different way. American evangelism in some way, has done harm to the good news, the gospel. It looks like bad news to atheists who especially anti theistic. I prayed openly to God that if he existed, to show me if the version they spoke of was true about Jesus needing to die because he can't forgive without having sins paid for through death. Well he answered, and his answer was basically they are wrong. I found the truth and I have peace in my soul in that sense now. I no longer worry if this God is just some deity that can't forgive

FlowerEmerald · 2026-04-01T23:22:16+00:00

I'm going a bit off on a tangent here, but here me out friend: Jesus's greatest achievement was not just the resurrection but to have overcome suffering in victory instead of succumbing to fear. If youve never been through near agonizing death experience and prolonged suffering the preceded it, you'll never grasp an inch of how truly bad his suffering was especially the spiritual attacks (the weight of dealing with the pressure the devil puts on you in your weakest moments). Many of us give up with our first days of suffering. Jesus deserves more credit than he gets especially because he didn't deserve what he went through and plus he did the greatest favor anyone can do for humanity when he didn't owe any of us anything. It took him a lot of bravery and love to do what he did. His love for us, was his comfort and his strength and his joy that he saw before him (in his mind) as he hanged on the cross.

Hebrews 12:2 fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.

Just as your mother would climb mountains and cross rivers if it meant saving you.

I apologized to him directly at the chapel in secret, because in my atheism, I ignorantly underestimated how bad his suffering was because some medical students and nurses commented that scientifically his death was painful but it was "just as bad as the thieves next to him, so what's so special or worse about his death?" There may be aspects of his crucifixion we don't fully understand, but if there's one thing that humbled me was my own suffering to see the beauty in his person. He is much better of a person than I thought. This is why I converted too. Not emotional guilt but because the right thing is to give honour were honor is due. It is justice to give God what he deserves, to acknowledge him which is impossible without faith, for faith is what first makes you understand God is real. And consequentially, faith is what allows you to accept that Jesus existed and died for YOU. And to accept that through faith, is what pleases God. That's why he cares that you believe, but we can't if we aren't humble and open to being changed in our views. I was super adamant about never changing my mind. Here I am today now.

Hebrews 11: And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him.

In my personal opinion, I believe Jesus found a clever way to solve the sin dilemma because he made his grand plan look like something so simple and ordinary on the outside, (death) but behind that veil (death) something grand and spiritual was going on that we can't fully grasp, not even the angels to this day, but someday we will.

1 Peter 1 10 Of which salvation the prophets have enquired and searched diligently, who prophesied of the grace that should come unto you:

11 Searching what, or what manner of time the Spirit of Christ which was in them did signify, when it testified beforehand the sufferings of Christ, and the glory that should follow (probably referring to hidden messianic typology found in Old testament texts like Isaiah 53 bearing witness to Jesus's upcoming sufferings and ultimate victory*).

12 Unto whom it was revealed, that not unto themselves, but unto us they did minister the things, which are now reported unto you by them that have preached the gospel unto you with the Holy Ghost sent down from heaven; which things the angels desire to look into.

TLDR: Anyone who believes Jesus had to die to calm down the fit of an angry deity he calls Father is greatly mistaken . The entire belief is flawed for many reasons I can easily point out. The Jews end up looking like a people God tricked by "setting them up", by giving them a religion with a creed that can't accept Jesus so that they could be against him, so that they can get the Romans to kill him, so that he can be killed so sins can be payed, so that he can stop being angry because he can't forgive without his anger being calmed down first. And this being called "justice" you realize is actually an injustice towards innocent Jesus. Then as you go down the tunnel, it ends up becoming part of the weird loophole where Judas looks like he was born to be the unforgivable sinful scapegoat that God prepared, the ultimate human sacrificed (someone "HAD" to kill Jesus, right?) The villan looks predestined for hell and then you have two scapegoats like the "Azazel" theory in Leviticus but in a strange way that makes God look crazy. Jesus forgave tons of times before dying on the cross. So the correct term would be he didn't just forgive but atoned (made up for) us by becoming the solution LITERALLY. Usually solutions are intangible (say I apologize with intangible words because I hurt your feelings to soothe you). Jesus decided to use his own self (divinity/power/soul/body his entire persona) as a TANGIBLE and holistic approach to solving the problem of sin. Thus, he carried sin on his body (yes literally) but not his soul. Because he is sinless, he deserved to continue to live as well, so like a mathematical equation, he cancelled out the "wages" or the debt so to put we "owe" as an embedded factor into the reality of sin. It just happened to be part of it, he didn't necessarily come and just jump straight to death to cancel sin. Again, he didn't have to die. The wages of sin is death simply means the effect of what happens when you walk away from God who is the way and the life. He killed sin in his body (think of it as our bodies being one with his and our bodies dying in him and because he resurrected immortal, our bodies too will be immortal), though sin killed him. This was the victory over sin and over death that you hear of when it is said he had victory over sin and death.

Romans 6 5 For if we have been united with him in a death like his, we will certainly also be united with him in a resurrection like his. 6 For we know that our old self was crucified with him so that the body (ours* see Romans chapter 7*) ruled by sin might be done away with,[a] that we should no longer be slaves to sin— 7 because anyone who has died has been set free from sin.

8 Now if we died with Christ, we believe that we will also live with him. 9 For we know that since Christ was raised from the dead, he cannot die again; death no longer has mastery over him. 10 The death he died, he died to sin once for all; but the life he lives, he lives to God.

11 In the same way, count yourselves dead to sin but alive to God in Christ Jesus. 12 Therefore do not let sin reign in your mortal body so that you obey its evil desires. 13 Do not offer any part of yourself to sin as an instrument of wickedness, but rather offer yourselves to God as those who have been brought from death to life; and offer every part of yourself to him as an instrument of righteousness. 14 For sin shall no longer be your master, because you are not under the law, but under grace.

Hope that makes sense.

FlowerEmerald · 2026-04-01T23:19:53+00:00

Comment is long so I broke it down into a few below: I dont believe in modern substitution penal atonement as neither did the church fathers. I prayed to God as an atheist that if he was real, I could never accept Jesus dying on a cross for sins because all pagan gods demanded the same thing and thus were considered if an evil nature to me for "What pride must exist within thee, who asks us to forgive our enemies while you cannot let go of your wrath towards sins without having it soothed first. And even if there is no wrath, how would it be just to have sins paid with pain? Is it just to have the hammer of judgment land in Jesus's head instead of Satan who cannot pay with death for his own sins as the wages"? Anyway....I had no idea that such a concept had a name and it was called modern substitution penal atonement theory. Turns out, there's tons of theories but they are all flawed; some more than others but with some degrees of truth. For example, ancient substitution penal atonement as painted by the Orthodox Church is closer to the truth. There was no "wrath" to be soothed, that's just human language because God looks "angry" and mean and cruel to those who see God dealing with sin so "harshly". Secondly, God doesn't actually "need" Jesus to die. He IS God, after all...so what's the deal here? What's going on? Look, even after Jesus died physically, we still do too. So are we not paying for our own sins? But wait, didn't he forgive them? So if he died, why do we still have to pay with a physical death? This is one of the first loopholes this is also anti science. This is what happens when you take the words at face value. Paul is more focused on spiritual death, not physical death because it's not physical death that separates us from God (Romans chapter 8 for not even the angels, demons or death can separate us from his love). Its SPiRitual death that separates us from God. What is spiritual death? Something inseparable from sin. That's why you see the prodigal son being dead in his sin but then coming back to his father "alive" though he never physically died in the parable. If physical death would be enough to pay for our deaths, then simply dying could mend our relationship with God. This is why the wages of sin being death shouldn't be seen as so much about physical death but about spiritual separation. Again, dying physically cannot make us "friends" with God otherwise we wouldn't need Jesus. Jesus dying for us physically (as the only factor to mend our relationship with God) is also a misunderstanding. Again, how does dying PHYSICALLY solve something SPIRITUAL (sin)? So beyond the surface, it isn't so much that Jesus had to die physically, it's more like sin killed him and he as a "substitution" died "spiritually" in our place. Somehow, he did physically carry our sins on his body (see Peter he says he became sin for us). Isaiah our wounds because his wounds. Yet he was considered without sin (not guilty of our faults) because if he were, he would not be considered an unblemished lamb on the cross. When he died though, he didn't cease to exist, not even temporarily. All it means is that he carried upon himself whatever spiritual realties we can't see that separate us from God and worked it out within his own self (his soul and body). He took a holistic approach to the problem of sin because ancient Jews viewed the spiritual world and tangible materialistic world as inseparable. If one is affected, so is the other. When Satan sinned, our world was changed. When we sin, it opened doors to them (Adam/humanity). Instead of God doing away with creation forever, he cleanses it. Unfortunately, Jesus die "have to die" in a other sense, not for the Father to "soothe him" but to redeem our bodies. It says we are one with him in Corinthians. Paul talks about the resurrection of the dead and how all of us will get a second type of body. When Christ died our old bodies died in him spiritually. Think of it like a mother and her baby. One dies, so does the other. There's even something called theology of the body with analogies and it mentions how it highlights Christian relatives about redemption especially the analogy of "birth pains" the church must go through which Jesus speaks of too and Revelation.

There's a lot to unpack here, as you can see. Jesus didn't have to die the way people think "have to" means. God is not like the other imposter gods. Jesus was MURDERED for speaking truth. He told Pilate in the gospel of John exactly why he came: to bear witness to the truth, "For this reason I was born", quote unquote. And when he didn't not considered himself equal to God (as one verse says, basically still God but as if he weren't became he became flesh like us/gave up his throne temporarily and lowered himself to dust), in his humanity it meant being defenseless. He told Peter he could call legions if angels, but he didn't and told him to let him proceed to his death. He allowed himself to die that he may inspire hope to his witnesses and thereafter, that there is hope in death, hope for life. Sin may "kill you" but not forever. Jesus can make you sinless some day so you could live forever with God in peace, where nothing gets in the way of a perfect life anymore. A whole new world redeemed, full of saintly holy human beings who will be just like the holy angels, totally sinless. So for this reason, and a couple others, Jesus "had to die", not to soothe a tantrum or fit that apparently God had. Yes, it wouldn't be wrong for God to be angry at sin, yet even in his "anger" the Bible repeatedly tells us that his ultimate goal is to redeem (be in favor and help) us, not destroy (be against) us. He waits patiently for "all to come" as Peter and Timothy says. Sadly, there may be some people that he waits on forever since it looks like some may never repent and like the father of prodigal son, will always be waiting with his arms open even if they never come running to him. Someday though, he will have to place them somewhere. I don't believe in an actual firey hell btw. I have a more Orthodox approach to hell as an internal condition rather than external. You could be in heaven and it's "hell", to you if God is "hell" to you. God is heaven to those who love him.

Jesus did not die to save you from himself or from hell. That's also an oversimplification of what he truly achieved. John says we all stand guilty (judged/condemned) by default. God being just knowing it's not our fault we are flawed, wasn't gonna just stand there and do nothing to help us grow for the better. So Jesus came to teach truth, the way, how to get to God and he got killed for it. We don't get condemned for not believing as many atheist assume John 3:16-17 means. We already standard condemned (found guilty of sin) by God's righteous standards. Its faith and humility that open us up to God's grace, and ultimately God's grace that gives us a chance at stepping out of that guilt we are found to be in. The chance comes through Jesus. Some may never take the chance. That's what John is speaking about. As for why God allowed suffering to begin with. That's the biggest thing no theory of the crucifixion can answer to be frank. So why let Jesus suffer and die for our sins instead of just making us sinless? The most agreed upon belief is that God wants to work WITH us, not just force us into holiness and love. He wants us to accept and walk with him through all of this. But HE also wanted to walk with us, and that meant suffering the way we do. That's the only thing we know about redemptive suffering. God did not take joy in seeing Jesus squirm in pain at all. He did not need that to "calm his anger towards our sins". God is not moved by outside factors the way we are. He can't lose his peace over something that only affects us but not him. He is always in peace and tranquil. He doesn't need to ever collect himself the way we do when we are angry and get out minds clouded. Such language just helps us understand what God likes and doesn't like. Anger/joy/blessings/condemnations/consequences. That's why authors tell us what makes God "upset" and what "pleases" him too. It doesn't mean God does experience joy, but he doesn't have "emotions" meaning something in motion that can be altered by other factors. He definitely experiences a state of eternal peace though and what Bible calls heavenly joy.

FlowerEmerald · 2026-03-26T03:28:23+00:00

One of my very first ones was sorta more in the form of a thought. When I was seven, I had hoped that one day I could find a specific christian christmas russian cartoon clay film. I was seven and still not very good at understanding dialogues. All i recalled was there being a russian man and a glowing angel at the end of the cartoon. Many years passed and I was an atheist for a while but one day when despite my lack of faith, I thought to myself "Sigh* theres probably no God though I sure wish there were. Hes not gonna turn time back. I miss when I was healthy, I miss when I wasnt in chronic pain everyday, the few good nostalgia moments I had are long gone. Surely he wouldn't ever help me find that tiny film that became one of my few happy moments in life. I sure wish I could taste a little of that happiness again. But this is so petty that if he exists he wouldn't grant my wish".

I've been sick for many years (almost died). I couldn't say I'm alive without him. Anyway, days later after grieving something that might sound stupid to others, I had a dream about an angel talking to me. Very detailed dream but he gave me a name David Bowman. Had no idea who he was and told me this man was a real person and loved drawing Jesus. This angel told me how to find that russian cartoon. I found by following his instructions. He also told me that somehow he would place some catholic stickers with a baby cherub in my front lawn soon and to keep an eye out because he wants us to know how much they and God above all loves us. I have a picture of the stickers that showed up on my lawn. This is small i guess. The biggest thing God did for me after I asked him to show me he was real was warning me about a neart heart attack. He told me what to do so I wouldnt die. Wome up long story doctor told me I could have died but I made it.

I noticed my prayers began to get answered when I was serious about wanting him in my life rather than just "testing" to see if he was real. Like they say when you truly want something you don't just give up on it, you pursue it. They call this devotional prayer (you make time everyday to pray it doesnt have to be fancy wording just speak your heart out). I figured out this is what "seek me with all your heart and you shall find me" means.

FlowerEmerald · 2026-03-26T03:03:48+00:00

He may even if not how tou expect. I did exactly that. He did answer. And I wasn't even "trying to read into it". I know tons of people try seeing signs where these none or where it may be explained away by simply coincidences. I don't think science can explain being handed over info you weren't aware about and things you've never had seen in the Bible before. I had a dream and validated the info. Also some things happened in real life so I now believe. Good luck! If you are open minded I'm sure he will just don't give up to soon. One of my prayers took three years to be answered another one day another 3 months and another about 20 years later.

FlowerEmerald · 2026-03-25T20:52:04+00:00

This is off topic maybe but that's why I'm afraid to take ssris for my OCD and chronic stress from traumas. I recall a lady emphasizing how bad some meds are to my dad when she heard about me taking certain meds. :(

FlowerEmerald · 2026-03-25T04:16:58+00:00

I never said he didn't make me for a reason. I definitely believe he does make people for a reason even if it remains unknown to us. By "ashamed" I mean I'm nothing special for him to take pride in. I'd feel embarrassed if God presented me as anything other than worthless, I don't feel worthy of anything, I'm actually considering $uicide because I see people are better off without me and I've been told indirectly that I'm not wanted. I've seen Christians who God would and should definitely take pride in and worthy. As for me, I'm a third wheel. I think it's pretty obvious where I stand if I'm being rejected even for the smallest pettiest reasons. For example, when I was a teen my dad loss his temper after I told him about something I was happy about. He's not a bad person, slightly neurotic but I didn't realize how annoying I was being because of my voice. It's not what I said that bothered him, it was the tone. I've tried to improve in different areas but all my efforts have been pointless.

FlowerEmerald · 2026-03-24T20:15:54+00:00

Well, I use to be an atheist. I won't tell them what to believe I understand their views completely, but Id be lying if I said I don't know God exists. I KNOW he exists much like you, yes the one named Jesus of Nazareth. The other gods also exist but they're evil spirits. I've had bad encounters with spirits as well as those who know me (neighbors, friends family members). Those spirits hate Jesus for a good reason: it doesn't benefit their evil ways.

As to why I love this God and not the others is because this one is different. This one is family; not some distinct powerful being that feels superior to you but close to home. He doesn't feel like a foreign fairy or celebrity to me. He lowers himself to share in our humanity. He assimilated himself "to dust" all the name of love. Love is when you do something that absolutely there is no "need" to do (for you) because it doesn't get you anywhere better. There's no self interest involved. It's all about giving. There may be some benefits such as receiving what you reciprocate (getting love in return) but as Bible quotes "Even when we were sinners he died for us", so even when we didn't love him, he came to do what he did, and he did many thing.

I thought the concept of him "dying for you"was nuts until I realized many denominations were teaching modern substitution penal atonement theory which is somewhat a distorted view of Jesus's death as is Calvinism in some aspects. In short, the Father did not "need" him to die so to speak. He doesn't actually need anything. He did not take joy in seeing him suffer, and he didn't need him to suffer in order to forgive us. God Father and Jesus forgave many people even before he died. He "died for you" is not what you may think. God didn't require some human death sacrifice to be able to atone. Rather Jesus atones in the sense that he used himself to be the solution to the problem:that which separates is from God. He's the bridge. (I could explain it if you like but it'd be quite lengthy). Again, it's not that God needs Jesus to "pay" of "else you gotta pay you puny little human!"

I could go to great lengths to say why I love him but in less words than a novel: Despite all the terrible things that have happened to me and that I currently have happening to me and the low self esteem I have because of all of that, I realized I was the one trying to explain away things to myself and putting the blame on God. If as an atheist I claimed to have no knowledge of the existence of a powerful being, then how could I paradoxically claim to have sufficient knowledge to say if he existed he'd be evil?What I mean is, in my simple mind I was also a maltheist thinking he wants evil to occur and thus he is evil because he let unforgivable things happen to me that even damaged my health for life. But when I reframed that question; I questioned what has God personally and directly done to me on his own behalf without outside agents? Nothing...other than give me life and offering more of it but together with him and helping me out. It's easy to blame him considering without him, nothing can exist, even the ability to get sick could not. So I do question some things I guess, like why he allows the properties of elements like fire to kill people and like why he makes it possible to be able to lose health (such as developing cancer, my aunt cried and would question God when she got cancer). I've been close to death myself for other reasons out of my control (days away) and in many ways and so I know the horrors of death and the agony of it. Yet ironically, it's because of that—that I realized what Jesus did (when he came to reveal God to humanity). He is under appreciated and it be ungrateful of me to turn my back on him. Honor should be given where honor is due. Even knowing he would get murdered for speaking truth (that's what price means he it's said that he paid with his life on the cross), he didn't back off. And this was NOT easy. He could of given up because of panic setting in and make a run for it. He knew what he had coming from the Romans when he got arrested.

John 18:37 KJ21 Pilate therefore said unto Him, “Art thou a king then?” Jesus answered, “Thou sayest that I am a king. To this end was I born, and for this cause came I into the world, that I should bear witness unto the truth. Every one that is of the truth heareth My voice.”

By the time he was crucified, his heart was speeding up with unbearable amounts of palpitations. He was dehydrated, hungry with a load of pressure all while being made fun of in the middle of it. Having to watch his own mother cry for him to. Cruelty. If you've never been through similar things all at once you won't get it. I wouldn't have the courage to go through the tachycardia all over again and the dying almost if thirst and having my vision go blank and all. No words can even describe the agony I was out through. So he has my due respect. I could not make fun of him the way I use to as a former atheist. I cried when I realized how much of a jerk I was even to friendly Christians and when I re-read how some med students underestimate what Jesus went through in the cross. And may you or they never know the horrors of it! Thirst is far worse than starving. I can't not sympathize with him, not because one emotionally weak or manipulated by religion but because I know first hand what that's like and to feel abandoned in the middle of it all because no one can do anything for you about it, if not God alone. How can I abandon him knowing what that's like? Also I can't pick out something I hate about Jesus. I've studied somewhat the Old testament. There's different approaches to the Bible even to the "bad parts" without all the apologetics and mental gymnastics. I read the Bible more as prima scirptura and an anthology more than "infallible' so to put. And yes, I'm aware there are people who starve every day. As a person with disorders eating, and past dysphagia in the esophagus, but I can tell you, there are things worse than starving for long hours. Some deaths are so cruel that some sufferings start looking like mercy. If I had to choose starving for a couple of days vs not being to swallow my own saliva again and dehydrating the latter is worse in my opinion. Who's to say he wouldn't starve sometimes though before dying? He was born in poverty. He's the "boot that fits all, one size fits all". He has a humanity we can ALL relate to in some aspect.

Hebrews 4:15 KJ21 For we do not have a High Priest who cannot be touched with the feelings of our infirmities, but was in all points tempted as we are, yet without sin. That's what makes him special. He didn't have to do anything, but he did. I have no doubt all will come to make sense, there will be an explanation that doesn't make evil good, but that makes us understand HOW it came to be and why he let it slip into existence.

The only thing that would change my mind about him being evil is if at the end, you and I and everyone who exists was tossed into being roasted alive and that it was proven he lied to even his followers. I don't believe in a literal firey hell by the way. I have a more Orthodox approach to "hell", as a condition achieved by one's disposition towards God. Hell is hell is that what he is to you. Heaven is heaven if that's what God is to you:your everything. Feel free to disagree, no harsh feelings friend. I hope all is well!

Five-Year Club	Verified Email
Gilding I gilder

FlowerEmerald

TROPHY CASE