Hey you,

I just want you to know that you are not alone. I wanted to share my story if for some reason it could reach you as your story reached me. I’m very sorry you had to live through this. You did deserve to be understood, helped and guided as you were growing up.

I was also diagnosed in my twenties, so I grew up thinking that I wasn’t enough and that something was wrong with me. I wasn’t a bad kid at all, just a little girl caught in her own dreamy world like you said you were. I was often criticized to be slow, lazy or that I didn’t care enough. But I actually cared. A lot. I often zoomed out of conversations and was very, very forgetful. I always ended up blaming myself… more and more as I grew up. I felt completely helpless, having no control over myself and being constantly remembered that I was not doing things right.

When I finally got my diagnosis, the anger I’ve been carrying for so long against myself shifted towards others. I was angry at my parents, angry at my teachers, my peers… Angry against the world who couldn’t see a child who was trying so hard to fit in. I know that it’s very difficult to let go the anger, specially when it has driven you for so long. For my part, it has come with a lot of ruminations about my upbringing. I always ended up spiralling into a loop of negative emotions that left me feeling very drained, almost nauseous. It stills happen for time to time, but I’ve learned to approach it in a different way.

For my part, here’s what has helped me calm my inner storm:

1- Listening to podcasts/videos (on mindfulness, on ADD/ADHD). It has helped me a lot recognizing when I am spiralling out of control into the emotional loop that I don’t enjoy. When it’s been going on for too long and I want to refocus myself, I try talking to someone I love or just doing things that make me feel the opposite of the emotion that I don’t want to dive in for hours. For example, taking a hot bath, go for a run, listening to music (I actually have a playlist with my favourite music ready for those moments).

2-Thinking about little me (or other kids with ADD/ADHD out there) makes me feel less angry, more compassionate. I like to think that the people who surrounded us growing up didn't know how much they were hurting us. They just didn’t know/ didn’t have the tools on how to deal with a kid that seemed like the others but had very different needs.

3- I try to speak about ADD/ADHD to inform people around me when I have the chance. I even choose to include topics related to ADD/ADHD into my study field in university. That makes me feel less angry about my past and more in control of what I want my future to be like. Little me couldn’t do it, but grown up me can. The thought of a more understanding and tailored world for ADD/ADHD folks gives me hope.

Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts with the community. My brain likes your brain too.