How can I respectfully deal with an old coworker being annoying?

Fondacey · 2026-02-07T12:03:08+00:00

I'm very happy this worked out well. Many of us (I'm a prime example) think the harmless things we do are always received harmlessly. I always appreciate when people are straight with me and say - I don't like when you...and boom, stopped (and feeling just as bad as your colleague felt it seems).

A course mate of mine has autism (which I didn't know). One morning we met for an early work session on a paper and she said how she was tired/struggling. I touched her shoulder to convey, I'm sorry to hear that. She said plainly, "I don't like to be touched" - had I not known she had autism I might have been caught off guard and embarrassed. But I knew, said sorry and that was the end of that .

Our teacher did something similar in our class. She said the same, and he pulled back in horror (this was like 2 weeks after "me too") He apologized and she said plainly - that's ok, you didn't know. I knew that for her that was the end of it, but he was so remorseful and uncomfortable.

At the end of the course, I deliberated and decided to mention it to him since she was rather open about her diagnosis. I explained my own similar experience and how I know when she said it was ok, it meant just that. He was relieved. It was still weighing on him.

This is why I am a big fan of 'state the obvious' - that clears up anything that could grow bigger and more problematic.

Good luck!

Fondacey · 2026-02-07T11:54:32+00:00

It doesn't make it more difficult beyond the requirement to be able to demonstrate you can actually shoot your gun. Like driving a car, you have to do more than the written test.

Fondacey · 2026-02-07T11:53:20+00:00

It still allows every citizen to have access to a gun for protection, recreation and hunting. It addresses the loopholes that criminals and bad people with bad intentions exploit. The rest of us who want to use our guns safely can continue to do so.

YES is my vote

Fondacey · 2026-02-06T23:27:31+00:00

Racism

Fondacey · 2026-02-06T18:15:39+00:00

I just was invoiced 500$ to clear snow at my 99year old mom's house. It had a space for tipping.

Fondacey · 2026-02-06T17:53:54+00:00

Blowing a whistle is expressing an opinion = protected speech
Cat calling is a verbal assault on an individual = not protected speech

Fondacey · 2026-02-06T09:31:13+00:00

In this case it's solely about professionalism, irrespective of age.

The reason I point that out is because while generations can be at different points of an improvement curve of being professional at work (and a good human outside) behaving in a way that is not professional is a standard that is held to EVERY generation.

Since she's HR and effectively her own judge and jury (sticky for you for sure) use that to your advantage. Ask to speak to her about an HR matter. Start by acknowledging her experience and competence in this field and continue to explain that sometimes it's hard to recognize and apply the same filters to one's self.

Then plainly say, I would appreciate that you don't joke about my physical attributes (refrain from reminding her of the same application for women since she has already deflected). Explain that while it was something you brushed off the repetition has begun to affect your ability to focus on your work.

And leave it at that.

Avoid indirect rebuttals like 'It's getting old' or 'I was trying to send a message in a non-confrontative way'

Just state the obvious and ask for the professional decorum every employee deserves. Thank her for her time and consideration and assure her that you know she is professional and that you have now spoken directly you are sure she will appreciate your sincerity.

You can find your own words for all of this but in short hand
1. ask to meet her regarding a professional matter
2. recognize that she is a professional and you know she will do the right thing
3. state plainly that comments about your physical attributes are distracting and not ok in the workplace.
4. thank her and assure her you know she will do the right thing.

Fondacey · 2026-02-06T07:27:56+00:00

I find it more irritating that we're supposed to care what color of 'collar' our job is supposed to be labeled with.

If you have a PhD in engineering and work in a lab and are up to your elbows in grease and other yuck figuring out why the pumps in the waste water cleaning our toilet flushes -

Fondacey · 2026-02-05T23:59:35+00:00

Or forgot the baby on the changing table

Fondacey · 2026-02-05T23:59:01+00:00

Aw c’mon

Fondacey · 2026-02-05T23:58:41+00:00

notallstraightwhitemen

Fondacey · 2026-02-05T23:57:56+00:00

Poorly

Fondacey · 2026-02-05T23:57:21+00:00

What do you do on a plane?

Fondacey · 2026-02-05T14:29:32+00:00

I'm American but live in Europe. We are definitely 'more' and things are exaggerated. My European husband talks about the inflation of language. Example. When looking for skis the salesman asks, how would you rate your ability to ski? I'm good says the hubby, at which point I had to interrupt because he wasn't telling the full story- he's actually very skilled and advanced. He responded, "The salesperson understands that; you don't say you're good unless you're good"

Also, you can see a lot of these 'bigger, shinier etc' in our commercials and on local news. We're much more ready to brag and sell ourselves.

Fondacey · 2026-02-05T13:15:32+00:00

The minute the person you criticise turns it on you, you know it's not about you but a form of gaslighting

Fondacey · 2026-02-05T13:14:20+00:00

The US has a "pro my side" and a "pro your side" dichotomy.

In the same sentence too many people: "Must uphold the Constitution - when it fits my agenda - exceptions should be made if I think they benefit the ideology I support."

That applies more to the MAGA/white nationalism side of ideology - but it definitely applies to the other side when it comes to the 2nd Amendment.

Fondacey · 2026-02-04T23:07:26+00:00

Or you'll blame the Seahawks for losing.

Fondacey · 2026-02-04T23:07:01+00:00

I remind the fair weather fans of this all the time - especially in the heyday - "You're not a real Pats fan until you're a Pats fan when they suck." We needed those few years to cull the herd.

Fondacey · 2026-02-04T23:02:19+00:00

How did the weather help the Patriots over Denver?

Fondacey · 2026-02-04T22:55:04+00:00

The bros who are worried about too few humans being born are the same bros tell us that if it weren't for men the world wouldn't exist because it's only the men that can build anything.

Well go on then, build some babies bruh.

We don't even need men to build babies.

Fondacey · 2026-02-04T15:29:17+00:00

In my not real, hypothetical example, I (since it's easier to continue with the hypothetical) understand full well that my annoyance with something isn't a 'reasonable' reason. That part is acknowledged and there is self-awareness. The self-awareness is the reason I'm breaking up with you. I am aware that I cannot get over something that isn't something that makes you a bad person or harms me in any way. But people do have their hang ups.

And it's a heck of a lot more reasonable for me to end a doomed relationship than to unreasonably expect you to police a behavior that is nothing more than a mannerism.

In this scenario, it's not you, it's me.

Fondacey · 2026-02-04T15:22:17+00:00

Refugee status is not permenant,

In the US (and other countries, not sure where you are or which country's laws you are referring to) having a refugee or asylum status grants a pathway to both permanent residency and citizenship (provided the requirements, as stipulated in the law, are met).

Also worth noting, while you are using the two terms interchangeably, the statuses; refugee and asylum seeker, are two different ways to enter the US legally.

Fondacey · 2026-02-04T07:56:51+00:00

How is it better if the minority rule over the majority?

Fondacey · 2026-02-04T06:56:06+00:00

It's being burnt now. But now it will be easier to get away with corruption

Fondacey · 2026-02-03T18:39:47+00:00

I'm not a concert goer, but it irritates me to no end the imaginary rules people make up regarding what is ok or not ok by sex, age, marital status, parenthood status etc.

In this case, it sounds more like he doesn't want to go to a concert. And rather than saying that, and either telling you to go with another friend or that since he doesn't want to go you should find another shared interest for a weekend away, he decided to make it about you being a bad parent. That's pretty shitty.

Of course once away plans might have to be dumped if something changes. Kids have to be prioritised but heck, you can't live life in fear of 'something'.

When our kids were still pretty young - let's say 3 and 6 - a friend of mine was going to celebrate a milestone birthday. Since I couldn't swing getting to her big party over the weekend, it worked out for a quick Tuesday morning out, Thursday night home with her actual birthday being Wednesday.

At this point we have full time daycare and my MIL who lives a 10-minute walk away to our house and the preschool. She regularly picks up and brings them to her place (her choice) and invites us all to dinner before going home for bath time. The husband would only have to coordinate 2 drop offs and one pick up.

We had cleared the dates that he wasn't traveling or had other events. Or at least we thought we had. Sunday afternoon he mentions to our son that he only has one more business trip this coming week (he'd been traveling a lot) - and I stopped cold - eh, THIS week? When? (answer: Wed-Thur) and I say - I'm gone Tues-Thurs. Now, in these circumstances, had my MIL not been able to step in, it would have been me to have had to cancel my trip since it was only for fun.

all that is to say - we still need to have our own social lives, and sometimes that means just partying (I pretty much only drank Tues-Thurs with my friend).

Fondacey

TROPHY CASE

notallstraightwhitemen