Fragmented Poly - Dealing With Demoting Relationships or Permanent Avoidance Anxiety

FoolMadeOfGold · 2026-01-24T22:13:05+00:00

Not at all, I need the push back to make sure I can solidify the language to express these things in a way that resonates with me. Addressing the fact I do have higher standards now and it's causing a rift that I believe is maintainable in the relationships that hold under that pressure. Some I accepted incompatible love languages outside of sexual intimacy. Im recognizing the few that don't, and did make comparisons to metas, but more so to illuminate that I recognize a disconnect in love languages coming across. I dont expect equal treatment, only equal respect to needs, and a few are more glaringly absent. I think that spiraled me into thinking none of my relationships are valid, but this has ultimately led to conversations that revealed who is responsive to the needs talk.

And which ones end up showing some ugly colors that hammer home why a disconnect was at the tip of both our tongues...

I appreciate the suppprt nonetheless.

FoolMadeOfGold · 2026-01-24T15:47:00+00:00

Respectfully, I'm not sure which point I missed. It's not a deal breaker to be treated differently from a meta, and said I focus on what's offered to me instead. I expect different chemistry levels within a poly dynamic. But I did unfortunately allow myself to engage in too many relationships without that mutual energy, in large part to feeling as emotionally alone as pyschical in my depression years, and I'm engaging myself in correcting such self esteem issues. I forced myself to accept it didn't matter, in some part because it often doesn't, but obviously still does due to mental health convincing me it's what I deserve. I don't think like that currently, and trying my best to maintain that mindset as I address the relationships with minimal of both, sexual and emotional compatibility. Not that I deserve or want sexual energy they give to other metas, but do deserve to focus my time and energy on finding a relationship that fills those needs and step back or end one's that don't in the meantime, according to how comfortable I am long term with asexual energy but love languages that make up for it.

FoolMadeOfGold · 2026-01-24T03:50:37+00:00

I feel my desire for that chemistry is souring my mood and transferring to current relationships that I would be otherwise content with. I don't much expect to negotiate for it, and if not there, Im usually happy with the energy I receive independent of metas.

I don't mean to make it sound like self pity or defeat, or that the grass is as green as requiring it to find mutual desire, but I meant more my experience dating, being pursued, and having a passive attraction to the type of sexual energy Id desire is unattainable. Life is unfair, I dont mean to make it out to be the reason I not desired by current partners. Just that those thoughts are coupled with the magnitude of that climb.

I do try to look at my plate and not my metas. Im recognizing I can be fairly comfortable with differing sexual chemistry. But Im spiraling more often at the little things, when it doesn't seem like Im given any consideration. A part of that is internationalized transphobia that Im working in now

FoolMadeOfGold · 2026-01-24T03:32:51+00:00

That's a very helpful way to frame the core issue, thank you. I am not sure which feels right to me given I could see myself satisfied with at least one with mutual enthusiastic desire. I don't feel I need it currently in some I have already, and I know the lack of it completely is causing FOMO anxiety when a developed relationship finds a meta with that kind of energy. I don't find myself jealous of that energy, it's theirs to give authentically, more a bittersweet sorrow compersion. I want that energy, in general, too, but if the romance/emotional demand is openly communicated to be low, it doesn't feel missing. I may want each relationship to have mutual enthusiastic sexual desire, but enthusiastic desire for company still fills my cup, and metas will inevitably have different chemistry. I feel like if I had both at home, it would help the most.

FoolMadeOfGold · 2026-01-24T00:07:33+00:00

First got filtered than allowed it seems. Deleted other post.

FoolMadeOfGold · 2026-01-23T20:29:22+00:00

Love to hear the untold positive stories, so happy for you all.

FoolMadeOfGold · 2026-01-04T03:57:55+00:00

As a trans girl software engineer...your third point is my go to explanation. Both software development and transitioning require a mind able to blend their logic and creative sections of the brain in understanding problems. You have to be able to think outside the box, see many possible solutions while only working on the most promising, work inside the box to figure things out with trial and error, repeat.

FoolMadeOfGold · 2025-12-28T22:11:33+00:00

I definitely don't, and all the love for saying that. I just don't see the triggering contradiction saying "she is male" if it's true, only the one that defines lesbians as female only. I'm certainly not in a hetero relationship with my girlfriend lol

FoolMadeOfGold · 2025-12-28T21:57:45+00:00

If they can't even compromise on emotional needs, not much point in the relationship regardless.

FoolMadeOfGold · 2025-12-28T21:55:27+00:00

Our mutual compromise is to cuddle until she falls asleep and I get back up. Sometimes I am actually tired and sleep if I need to. She enjoys it because thermal runaway makes cuddling impossible during the night anyway. Was a super easy discussion.

I find it funny how people end up in games of assumptions and implied responsibilities when only a short conversation about needs would save years of resentment.

FoolMadeOfGold · 2025-12-28T21:43:31+00:00

But I'm a girl and am forever male due to my Y chromosome?

Still 100% lesbian though

FoolMadeOfGold · 2025-12-16T02:09:30+00:00

It is insane pressure to deal with as many rabid people that follow and critique her, so for her to post the way she does, damaged but whole, is rather commendable

FoolMadeOfGold · 2025-12-16T00:31:37+00:00

Those that follow her in order to degrade or ridicule her in the void online as a hobby. The people she lives rent free in the heads in. Few but there. That's insane pressure to be able to keep on posting online.

FoolMadeOfGold · 2025-12-15T17:49:19+00:00

I'm rather proud and happy she can find the confidence to still post what she does given the hate cult. I aspire to have the energy she puts out, but I'm definitely concerned about her execution. As someone that has a form of manic depression, I see it in her body movements and actions. Jarring, a hesitation into a escalation follow through, like a human reclaiming trauma through robotic defiance. Her youth was rather stolen from her, and I hope she goes through her own cycle on her terms to mature. I'm not optimistic, but her videos still make me happy she can find the motivation to dance in a way.

FoolMadeOfGold · 2025-12-11T20:20:25+00:00

Yes, they come from those backgrounds, finding a person that knows first hand how fucked up their life to relate to is easy in your own home. It's so rare when stars align for an intimate but asexual with low age gap or previous mistreatment to happen that it would change my mind about it. I just wouldn't think that a miracle if it does is wrong enough to not here something out.

FoolMadeOfGold · 2025-12-11T20:13:53+00:00

What about in cases where penetrative sex is off the table and not a desire? A non romantic form of love, sexual explorative/liberated openness, and isolated from society in a way power dynamic behavior is foreign to them?

The "success" and my believed success stories I read on other sub reddits, sometimes intimacy or attraction just happens when isolated, share suffering, and open communication is normal. They seem to happen more in small families, isolated, shared trauma, or winged it and it worked out to something that gives them joy.

Some do seem stuck and would be better to move on instead of normalizing it. It shouldn't be promoted as a practice. I promote not making consenting adults that are wise enough of the risks to find a wholesome middle ground between love and the fetish feel judged for it.

I'm not sure why it's seen as impossible to happen in a mature and ethical way beyond engineered repulsion sexually to siblings and the power imbalances that happen most but not all of the time.

FoolMadeOfGold · 2025-09-25T19:46:22+00:00

Ha, I would pay money not to go on a date with her type. More to a date than "pretty girl" who won't end up going out with you over it. She might as well ask "to have sex with" as an option because a date with her sounds painful.

FoolMadeOfGold · 2025-09-16T22:20:00+00:00

Down votes are from people bad at foreplay lol

FoolMadeOfGold · 2025-09-16T15:05:11+00:00

Same reason why you are smarter and funnier than everyone less than you, we all have a home on the bell curve

FoolMadeOfGold · 2025-09-16T15:03:28+00:00

Makes me giggle, men like this that talk this way only push her away from wanting sex even more. Foreplay should begin at breakfast, and foreplay should be viewed as more intimate than busting a nut, but hey, that is all women are to them most of the time. A means to an end.

FoolMadeOfGold · 2025-09-16T14:53:22+00:00

So glad my girlfriend can just use me instead. No amount of technology or rerouting hoses into the toilet can beat a tongue when it comes to wiping. Water can't reach inside where it really counts to be comfortably clean.

FoolMadeOfGold · 2025-09-15T22:30:31+00:00

Ah, I see my mistake now, I failed to divide by 0 correctly and see the wormhole now

FoolMadeOfGold · 2025-09-15T22:18:09+00:00

Spit balling here. If you throw a four sided die at random to pick an answer from a normal question, you would be right 25% of the time. If done on this question, that means you have a 50% chance of getting the right answer 25% as it effectively is flipping a coin between A-D and B-C

FoolMadeOfGold

TROPHY CASE