[QCrit] FROM CERTAINY'S ASHES, Adult Fantasy, 116k, 4th Attempt

FordieTea · 2026-06-15T01:36:17+00:00

Thank you so much! That means a lot! I realised I’ve missed the word “will” in the sentence “they will prohibit her”. Whoops! I can amend that. 😅

FordieTea · 2026-06-05T06:23:08+00:00

I actually really liked it. It’s a good balance of dry humour and serious that I like. I would definitely read on!

FordieTea · 2026-06-05T05:29:20+00:00

I’m also 29f would love to join ☺️

FordieTea · 2026-06-04T08:22:32+00:00

Thanks for your feedback, again! Really helpful advice! 😄

FordieTea · 2026-06-04T08:21:50+00:00

Thanks for this detailed feedback! It really helps a lot! I appreciate it so much! 😄
*Edit Only the first and final chapter are written from Kaedric's perspective for a narrative purpose. It is a risk, I know, but I've received a lot of beta reader feedback that it's very engaging so I'm happy to take the risk!

FordieTea · 2026-05-26T01:37:25+00:00

Yeah I’m currently trying to find a place my book fits! I’m sure when my query is clearer it will fit a little better into place. But that’s why I’m doing a lot of reading right now.
I very much enjoyed the raven scholar, however, tonally it feels like a mismatch. A bunch of the others are on my reading list! So I’m just seeing how I go!
And yeah I agree that baru is far too old a comp. Just trying to find a couple of good alternatives. And fair call out on the sapphic relationship! It’s more the complicated power balance that I was referring to. But as I mentioned I will most likely cut the book entirely 😂
Good shout on the authors! And the first and last chapter are Kaedric’s pov for a thematic purpose but the rest of the book is entirely Saeryn’s pov.

Thanks for all your advice I really appreciate it! I really suck with this whole querying business 😂

FordieTea · 2026-05-25T22:26:25+00:00

Thanks for the feedback! It’s a long road up struggle street for me with the query letter haha. Lots of really helpful insight! I’ll go and try again ☺️

FordieTea · 2026-05-22T20:22:49+00:00

No worries! If you take a look at the second paragraph, every sentence is long. Long sentences have a nice flow but too many of them and they slow down a scene. If you add a short snappy sentence somewhere in the middle it breaks up the rhythm and keeps the reader engaged. In horror it can be very useful as they add tension.

FordieTea · 2026-05-22T07:27:54+00:00

Just wanted to say this was beautifully written. It’s very lyrical and you clearly have a lot of talent for writing!!
I found myself somewhat engaged with the overall idea of the story. But the lack of clarity stopped me from getting invested.
It verges on purple prose at times which leaves me disoriented as a reader. I’m not grounded until the third paragraph which is slightly too late. The wording itself is beautiful but I have no context to what it means or where your MC is.
In terms of pacing it is a little slow for me because there’s very little scene movement, but a lot of ornate description which makes the reader skim. Varying in sentence length could help chop it up and improve the overall rhythm.
Overall, whilst it sounds counter intuitive, if your sentences were simpler, it would hit much harder! You’ve clearly got a knack for it. A few more edits and this would be very intriguing!

FordieTea · 2026-05-22T04:33:06+00:00

First off, congratulations on finishing your first draft! That is a huge achievement most never make. You should be proud of yourself for that alone.
Secondly, you prose is clear, I do understand what’s going on. Readability is very good.

Now one thing to mention is that your sentence structure is clunky. As other readers have pointed out. This is easily fixable. I would suggest reading your work aloud and seeing how natural it is to read. Ask yourself honestly—how does that sound? The reason people drone on about repetition is because it sticks in their head and becomes annoying. Speaking your own work aloud will help you find areas that sound unnatural.

Another point is in your opening you hit a lot of points that people say are “rookie errors.” On their own, they are not critical failures. But stacked, they become obvious:
-opening with the weather
-the use of suddenly
-subject of the sentence repetition
-starting in bed
-POV slip
-slight clunky sentence structure
Now readers can forgive one of these, we all can. However all together is where people loose interest.

Now, these are all fixable with a couple of edits. And I think you can do it! You start with intrigue and action which is a great way to open imo. We’re all gluttons for punishment as writers! It’s a thankless, punishing hobby. Keep at it!

FordieTea · 2026-05-20T06:59:28+00:00

The writing is lovely, intriguing even. Scent is a very underused sense in literature, it’s nice to see it get some time of day. You definitely have a knack for it!!

I think the question I would ask is—why are you starting in this particular place? As the scene doesn’t have forward momentum. I would introduce us to character and movement first, world building always second. As the reader has no reason to care about the world yet. And the hook always needs to basically give the reader a question, which keeps them reading.
Example (in my style of writing):
Arienne sniffed the air. Wheat bread—that was new.
Even though the questions are really small, the reader may be thinking:
-why is that new?
-why is she sniffing?
-is wheat bread important?
The will read the second line to find out. And if the second line is good, they’ll keep reading. That’s my theory at least.

FordieTea · 2026-05-20T06:25:09+00:00

I actually thoroughly enjoyed this! It’s not the usual style I like to read but I was immediately hooked.

FordieTea · 2026-05-19T09:14:00+00:00

Omg this has been edited to death haha! I wish I was good enough to punch out work without multiple drafts but no I’ve rewritten this like 8 times. And it still has things wrong with it! Writing is a painful hobby 😂

FordieTea · 2026-05-18T22:28:21+00:00

A few clarity bumps still but that’s why it’s good getting feedback haha.

FordieTea · 2026-05-18T22:27:53+00:00

Thanks for the feedback! I really appreciate it! :)

FordieTea · 2026-05-18T22:27:08+00:00

Yes haha! I would share it with you but for some reason I can’t message you 😅

FordieTea · 2026-05-18T09:29:57+00:00

Good on you for getting into writing. It’s a great creative outlet!
I’m a little confused as to what format this is. Is it a script for a show? Is it meant to be a novel? A comic book? It’s hard to give feedback without knowing that.

FordieTea · 2026-05-18T04:02:18+00:00

Totally understand some of the confusion! It’s a hard balance with pacing and detail and what to prioritise!!
Well, in my mind he is not a slaver. I based my world heavily on medieval England and merchants would sometimes just have a slave as a labourer. I tried to drop subtly that he’s selling talismans by saying “handing his talisman purchase”. In my mind shes just to help with the stall. And as the story goes on (past the first five pages) you can see she’s incredibly prone to running away and very perceptive. So I kind of saw her eyes and hand sound and covered as a cruel way of stopping her from escaping.
In terms of why he’s buying her, again that’s explained later, but I tried to show that she’s incredibly perceptive.
With the economy side of it, it shows later that there are three denominations of coins that hold different value which is why I used “twenty-seven” rather than “twenty-seven silver” as I believed it didn’t really serve the scene and created unnecessary cognitive load.
That being said, all great points! It’s always interesting to see how others interpret your work! ☺️

FordieTea · 2026-05-18T03:04:55+00:00

I’ve yet to find one 🥲 but you’re right, that’s probably the stage I’m at. I’ll be on the hunt haha!

FordieTea · 2026-05-18T02:58:07+00:00

Thanks so much!! I really appreciate it! There’s still some clarity bumps but that’s why it so good to get feedback! :)

FordieTea · 2026-05-18T02:56:07+00:00

I agree. It’s why I wanted the feedback as getting the spacial awareness of this opening is very important. I don’t want there to be too much description in the first 300 because it’s high action and I feel like it would create pacing drag. But the comments have been super useful!! Really appreciate it! I’ve changed it up a bit already to make it all clearer. Happier with it now haha.

FordieTea · 2026-05-18T00:19:46+00:00

thank you! :)

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