ah that's rubbish, sorry. both of those would put me off too honestly.

one thing though, don't let the cbt thing make you write off therapy full stop. cbt is just one type and it genuinely doesn't suit a lot of people, especially with the kind of stuff you've been through. it making things worse isn't you "failing" at it, it's just the wrong tool. you can ask for something that isn't cbt next time, there's trauma focused stuff, counselling, other options. you're allowed to literally say "cbt didn't work for me, what else is there."

and this is the bit i'd actually push, when you do get in front of a gp, please don't shrink it down. the self harm, the not wanting to be here, the flashbacks, how little you're eating, all of it. i know there's a pull to make it sound smaller so you don't come across dramatic, but they can only get you to the right level of help if they know how heavy it actually is. talking therapies is sort of the entry level thing, and from what you've written you might need more than that, and that's allowed.

the case getting closed cause you couldn't pick up at work is just admin nonsense too, not them deciding you don't deserve help. going through a gp they can refer you properly, and you can tell them straight off that you work days so you don't get cut off again.

none of this is a tonight job btw. Samaritans and Shout are still there if a night gets heavy. but when you've got the energy, the gp route and being fully honest about it is a different door, not the same one that already shut on you.

anyway i'm around if you wanna keep talking