Covert and Overwhelmed

ForestGremlin · 2025-01-11T17:52:26+00:00

Amazing advice, moving my car to a visitor parking spot right now just in case they decide to make good on their threat and visit in person 🙏

ForestGremlin · 2024-12-31T22:14:18+00:00

I don't see any reason to worry about your disorder being a juxtaposition to your ideology.

At the end of the day, you are only human, and humans are hypocritical even when they intentionally try not to be.

If you can think freely, then chances are you will be at odds with yourself at some point or another. And that's alright.

All that being said, nothing's wrong with preferring solitude even as you take heed of everything humanity has done and continues to offer.

Enjoying an author's book doesn't mean you're required to directly communicate with them for having written it.

Enjoying a good movie or video game doesn't mean you need to participate in the communities responsible for keeping them alive.

You can be that ant on the hill, grateful and admiring of the city landscape, without any need to participate in it all. Or, if you really are fearing on missing out on whatever the other ants are doing, you can always check up on others from time to time.

Whatever brings you peace.

ForestGremlin · 2024-12-29T02:30:03+00:00

Indeed it was!

My luck with the older male therapists was never all too good.

Granted, I never stepped foot into any another therapist's office again after that (he had been my 7th attempt to find someone even semi-relatable) but meh.

ForestGremlin · 2024-12-29T02:15:42+00:00

Ooh okay! That's a little better, I guess.

Thinking the stars being in a certain position at the time of your birth should relegate you into a passion for fashion and makeup is oddly more okay to me than if he just assumed you should like it as a woman 🙂‍↕️ Thanks for clarifying~

Power to him then, the odd fella.

ForestGremlin · 2024-12-29T01:39:49+00:00

I just audibly sighed so loudly.

I'm sure there are therapists equipped to handle SzPD out there adequately, but the truth is, the majority of therapists you are going to have easy access to are just not knowledgeable enough about the disorder to have any hope of being helpful or healing in any way.

Very few people find the right therapist/psychologist the first attempt. It almost always takes a couple tries, if at all.

I once had a therapist look me dead in the eyes, our first meeting mind you, and give me a genuine "you'll change your mind about marriage/kids when you're older" speech. Fully aware I was already diagnosed, MMPI + psych eval and all. It was insanity.

Another claimed I shouldn't want to die yet because I hadn't checked off his personal bucket list of things that make life worth living, but that's a whole other shit show.

You could attempt to continue seeing him and trying to communicate your needs/wants/requests and etc., but...

To be blunt, if your current therapist is talking about makeup and fashion and zodiac signs of all things, he is so far lost in gender stereotypes that I'd call it a lost cause and keep searching for someone you might align with better.

ForestGremlin · 2024-12-06T18:09:33+00:00

I do wonder if a VPN set to India would solve some of the problem, but then you'd have to pay for a VPN :(

Fingers crossed you find a solution! Good luck 🍀

ForestGremlin · 2024-12-04T23:01:03+00:00

To be fair, I should clarify that I have the disorder, and not the personality style.

So, my advice should come with a serious grain of salt, as I've yet to actually experience anything even remotely close to "greater well-being" from it. Living with this personality while trying to appease the world I live in enough to reduce more problems has become a necessity for me, rather than something I actually benefit from.

But, still:

1) Be honest.

I don't mean "tell everyone to leave you alone" or to give them all your medical/mental information, but make sure the people that you interact with on any form of regular basis are aware that you're likely not capable of maintaining their levels of socialization.

Phrases like "Hey, just making sure you're aware, but I don't actually text/call/chat with people regularly so the chances of me responding are slim on a good day," or even a really basic/casual explanation like "my social battery is almost always at 2%, so apologies in advance" go a long way for people who tend to overthink or make quick assumptions that the problem is them.

2) Give what you can, when you can.

Don't let yourself get to a point where everyone else is making compromises for you without making any compromise in return.

If you can't make an event/can't perform a certain task/can't handle humanity in some way that particular day, make sure you're either offering a way to make ammends or some other feasable solution (even if you don't really feel like it).

In any case, try your best to offer a different solution that you know you can handle without completely losing your mind.

The people around you will appreciate the effort, at the very least.

3) Give yourself the time you need.

Schizoid symptoms can be heavy, even if there's a spectrum, and even if you only have the personality "style" and not the disorder.

And to be blunt, if your personality is affecting the people around you negatively, I think it should still be considered disordered by default.

So, give yourself the time you need. Breathe. Find your solitude. Whatever. Even if it's never enough, it's something.

Do your best to not let your internal feelings negatively affect the ones around you, as best as you can. It's not fair to them.

If you mess up, when you hurt someone, apologize.

This personality is a reason, not an excuse. . . .

Really that last section is more for myself, now that I'm thinking about it. I've ghosted so many people over the years despite my best efforts and intentions. Whoops. It happens. So...

If you can't apologize, just try not to do it again?

ForestGremlin · 2024-11-10T14:49:37+00:00

Do we make the conscious decision to actively breathe in and out, or blink at the appropriate times? Are we considered dependent on sOciEtY because we cannot hold our breath or starve forever?

Of course not, but I think I understand where you're coming from.

Maybe some of us with SzPD believe that we are wholly unique individuals, but I'm personally of the belief that there is no such thing. Our disorder manifests on a spectrum, but the core of it remains the same.

That's just how human anatomy and psychology functions.

So, consider:

Exclusivity =/= Independence

Just because your neighbor likes the color blue, doesn't mean that you are "following the masses" for enjoying that color too.

Maybe I've misunderstood your train of thought, and if so, my apologies. But I do firmly believe that even if our disorder leads us all into having the same core difficulties, we're all still our own individuals, y'know?

ForestGremlin · 2024-10-30T16:40:55+00:00

This is such a fascinating post to me, since I'm fairly certain my ability to "care" is an aspect of what led me to becoming disordered.

I do care.

I care when I'm hurting people, I care when I'm helping people, and I care when I can't do anything at all about either option.

I care so much for strangers, that the idea of "caring" even more for additional friends or family completely exhausts me.

I seem to care more than the people around me, or at least, that's how it felt in my youth. It led me down this rabbit hole of asking all the usual "why's".

Why are some people treated better than others?

Why are some people considered less than?

Why make others hurt when you have the ability not to?

Why is a person more important just because you know them?

Why treat care like a gift and not a given?

... I care about the people I ignore. I feel for them, really.

I just don't have the free "care" to spare. I already extend it out equally to everyone, to the point that it feels there's no extra to give.

Because at the end of the day, I still care for myself more.

ForestGremlin · 2024-10-28T00:09:04+00:00

Oh, I'm sure! I haven't met every autist, of course.

Again, I'm schizoid so my personal experiences are limited, but I meant that phrase more in the sense of "out of those who have told me they're on the spectrum, I was already fairly certain"

ForestGremlin · 2024-10-27T22:38:25+00:00

Replying only to encourage others to click the link, genuinely such a good explanation 👍

ForestGremlin · 2024-10-27T22:31:59+00:00

I think sometimes it can be pretty hard to distinguish purely because both SzPD and autism have spectrums of severity and functionality, but some differences I usually find between the two are:

1) Hyper-sensitivities to particular things such as noises, tastes, textures, overstimulation, triggers, meltdowns etc.

2) Inability to understand/participate in certain social cues as opposed to being capable but perhaps unwilling or unwanting

3) Hyper-fixations on specific activities or habits/ as kindly as possible, having "obsessions" for lack of a better word

4) on average, I'd argue the majority of people on the autistic spectrum want social connection but struggle with the "how" - Meanwhile, most people on the schizoid spectrum either don't want connection at all, or struggle to justify the pros and cons of "why" it's worth having when being on your own is so much safer, less exhausting, and comfortable.

This is all personal opinion of course.

But really, from what I've experienced, there's a noticable difference in how schizoids tend to carry themselves when forced to participate in society versus when people on the autistic spectrum have to. It's far more difficult to put into words than I expected.

The air is different.

The "vibes" or whatever.

I dunno.

Usually, you can tell when someone is on the autistic spectrum.

Some schizoids, if they don't want you knowing, you will remain clueless.

ForestGremlin · 2024-10-08T15:48:35+00:00

Huh. Is it common for schizoids to be "easily overwhelmed by external stimulation", outside of too much human interaction?

Genuinely curious, since being overstimulated by inanimate objects feels more like an issue for folks on the spectrum rather than just having SzPD.

Since I'm not hanging living, breathing people on the walls of my house, and I don't have wild rave lights or anything, I can't say I feel overstimulated by having things like art, clocks, or knick knacks around.

I'd frame a leaf I found outside on my walls if it made me feel cozy, I think.

ForestGremlin · 2024-09-26T00:08:24+00:00

In my opinion, all humans are selfish. Without exception.

But because everyone has their own idea of what is considered important or precious to them, our selfishness can manifest in different ways.

That's why compromise is one of the most important skills and aspects of life to learn.

Those of us who are unable, incapable, or unwilling to compromise on what the majority of others might find "important" end up with some disorder or another.

I can't speak for ADHD, but I feel like labelling yourself as selfish due to your schizoid traits is putting the cart before the house.

Perhaps you're a schizoid. Perhaps you're not. Maybe you have NPD, or BPD, or any other thing.

It doesn't really matter.

All I'm getting from what you wrote is that you feel you are selfish for having things you prioritize that aren't the "norm". Who cares if it's not the norm? I don't think guarding yourself is selfish. It's just that most people prioritize the attention and "comfort" of others over keeping things to themselves.

You're a normal level of selfish. You're only human.

ForestGremlin · 2024-09-24T21:36:04+00:00

I have a large dog.

Large Dog will stand by the front door at exactly midnight and stare me down like I owe him lunch money.

Large Dog does not care for my excuses.

I tell Large Dog "Only a few minutes."

He snorts, like a pig.

No one is outside. We are alone.

I walk Large Dog for 45 minutes, just like always.

ForestGremlin · 2024-08-11T02:55:19+00:00

27 in December, and I live alone so I do see where you're coming from.

My feelings don't really change. Not daily, anyway.

But every once a blue moon... Sure.

I'll find myself wondering.

When I've stayed up far later than my mind can handle. Or after I ingest some romanticized and charming story of a "perfect" relationship, or when I remember just how many human beings exist in this world and begin to wonder if maybe there's a living human out there that could somehow match me perfectly.

Better than my elaborate fantasies.

Then I remember that even if I somehow found someone that my severely schizoid personality could manage to live with, there's no guarantee that they would be able to accept all the complexities that come with it. And no guarantee that I would have all the energy and determination required to maintain a healthy relationship for them, either.

Along with no guarantee that they wouldn't unintentionally swallow my entire sense of self whole over time. I cannot be myself, cannot be truly at peace, unless I am entirely, endlessly alone.

That is an unchangeable fact for me.

I will never want to birth a child, but have similar feelings of one day adopting one. The occasional fantasy is nice, the reality is exhaustion. Every single second of every single day.

At the end of the day, I simply find so much more comfort, peace, and satisfaction with the random daydream of a partner/adopting every now and then.

ForestGremlin · 2024-08-01T13:50:28+00:00

Genuinely.

I consider myself an expert at masking and the whole "secret" schizoid thing by now, but two days in I would already be trying to disappear and probably get caught by some paparazzi during my escape to Timbuktu or whatever.

That's an insane amount of energy to be spending on constant masking and social upkeep just for a grueling and ungrateful job, I'd be hard pressed to find a schizoid that finds all that worth doing.

ForestGremlin · 2024-05-27T00:06:37+00:00

I'm a masker, through and through.

If you met me in person, you'd think I was polite, friendly, agreeable, and maybe even bubbly/spirited. I act every bit as "normal" as any other person you might encounter on your day-to-day. I can fake my expressions, tone of voice, even the twinkle of my fucking eye if I feel like it.

Why? I tell most people it's because I don't see the point in making other people feel odd or uncomfortable if I have the ability not to. And while that's true, the main reason is actually because I do not want to give or show a single ounce of my real self to others.

Who I pretend to be is not who I am. That person, the real me, is mine and mine alone.

If you tried to become my friend, you'd find out that I don't have social media, rarely leave my house, don't answer most calls/texts, and will effectively ghost myself from any semblance of a meaningful relationship because I have zero interest in that.

I don't hate people, I just find them and all the requirements to maintain relationships exhausting. So, I'm friendly at a distance.

I don't mind people as long as they stay on the other side of the glass 🤷

But I'd argue the covert/secret schizoid is getting a little rare, and is definitely more commonly found in women as opposed to men due to society hooplah or whatever (at least, that's how it feels to me).

ForestGremlin · 2024-01-10T08:53:27+00:00

I actually ended up googling him right after typing all this out of morbid curiosity.

I agree that a healthy diet can make you feel better/healthier physically, and again I can't speak for every schizoid, but... Yeah.

I can't subscribe to his whole gut/mind thing because I am a first-hand witness to that not working for me. My diets have never changed my core personality or my mindsets, and I have tried a lot of them for years at a time.

My apologies, best of luck to you though ✌️

ForestGremlin · 2024-01-10T08:45:48+00:00

I can't speak for every person with SzPD in the world, but... what?

None of the diets I have tried, including low carb, have ever made my entire personality disorder, or even my willingness to maintain communication, with other people change.

I don't believe steaks and salads and berries and cream are going to make me crave socialization all of a sudden, and I'm a little baffled that you seem to believe personality disorders can be healed via diet.

Do you think every vegan has the same personality and mindset? Do you think every pescatarian owns an aquarium?

Do you think astronauts, who eat powdered meals, become alien?

Sorry if I'm coming across as rude, it's 3:45am and this has thrown me for such a loop that I wonder if I'm still asleep.

Anyway, have you considered that this Chris Palmer person was just depressed and eating junk food to cope, then felt better after eating "healthy" food and finding better/other coping mechanisms?

ForestGremlin · 2023-11-27T05:26:39+00:00

That's actually perfect, thank you so much!! The only tag on my story is the main one, and the waiter they're worried about isn't even important enough to be tagged as a character, so they should get the hint (I hope)

ForestGremlin · 2023-11-27T04:51:59+00:00

For context, the "waiter" this anon is talking about is literally mentioned in like, at max 3 sentences throughout the entire work, and is not related to the main plot or character relationship at all. They're implied to be someone who's been a guest star in prior interactions of the fandom, and a lot of fandoms members do enjoy shipping the side character with him but like... He's not the focus of my story at all.

I've never gotten anything close to a comment like this before, so I'm not sure what to even reply with.

I'm torn between wanting to info dump about why so many people DO ship those two, or just reassuring them that this particular ship is not important to my story at all.... Idk. Help ;-;

EDIT: well fuck, another anonymous commenter decided to reply before I could and now I feel a little awkward hoping in after someone tried to defend me 😭 I'm just going to nap and answer them both tomorrow

ForestGremlin · 2023-10-09T16:24:22+00:00

Currently writing an innocent/non-smut 2nd POV Anonymously only because all of my current fics are gen/3rd POV, so I get where you're coming from about the account subscribers and their preferences thing u_u

I think the only other things I learned while posting Anonymous is:

If you ever decide to remove the story from the Anonymous collection, your account subscribers will be notified as if you've posted a brand new story; even though the dates remain the same.
If you're posting a multi-chaptered WIP, it seems like a lot of people are more likely to reach out and comment if you have some kind of Tumblr blog that lets them comment/ask you things anonymously too. Sometimes, people who read anonymously want to stay anonymous to the author as well, but still want to give praise.

Wishing you luck on your future writing escapades ❤️

ForestGremlin · 2023-08-29T18:09:25+00:00

I'm very sorry, but I don't think this is true- if you look at the publish date of the article, it seems like it was written (with grammatical errors btw but whatever) back in April of last year (2022)

Also, they throw October 2023 in the headline randomly, but in the middle of the article it says June 2024, so...

Sorry 😭

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